I ran as fast as my legs could take me, only pausing when I believed I was far enough from Drew. I didn’t want him to follow me, I needed to be alone. I stopped in front of a run-down pub. The paint was peeling and flaking away, the sign has missing letters and a few windows seemed to have been replaced poorly but it served purpose. They seemed to be getting customers anyway.
I walked in self-consciously, realising that I was still in my full stage makeup and clothing. I walked through the pub and followed the signs to where the toilets were. Once inside the safety of the vacant toilets I proceeded to clean myself up a little. Still panting heavily I grabbed toilet paper and proceeded to wipe off as much makeup as I could, wetting it under the taps hoping it would help slightly. Once I was content with the amount of make-up I managed to remove I proceeded to make myself look slightly more presentable and ‘normal’. Pulling my goggles down from its place on my head to around my neck I flattened down my hair more, stroking my fingers through it to remove any knots that had formed during the gig. I removed my striped tie, shoving it in my pocket, removed my waistcoat and undone a few shirt buttons to make myself look more casual. I pulled my shirt up and out of its previous place tucked under my jeans and breathed heavily. I looked at myself in the mirror, and nodded. I think that’s casual enough for me not to get beaten up. I left the toilets and nodded to the bartender who eyed me suspiciously. Leaving the pub I checked my phone to check the time. It was getting late; the guys had probably left the venue by now.
I made my way back home slowly, taking my time to think through today’s events. I wished I handled it differently, I knew I shouldn’t have spoken back to Jay, but I know I shouldn’t have just took it. I wasn’t going to let him use me anymore; I had to show him that I was stronger now. I knew I shouldn’t have shouted at Drew, it wasn’t his fault that Jay hit me, it was mine. All I thought about when I was walking home was the look on Drew’s face as I shouted at him. His widened eyes and his mouth agape with confusion. I had to make it up to him; I couldn’t even think about how terrible it would be if he was angry with me. I’d hate the thought of us arguing.
I opened our flat door quietly, noticing instantly how quiet the flat was.
“Guys?” I voiced through the silent flat, receiving nothing but silence in reply. I sighed slightly, slumping my shoulders and walked through the flat, switching on light switches as I walked, hating the darkness. I walked silently into the living room and sat on the edge of the sofa, looking around the empty flat. I’ve always hated being alone, I guess I deserved it after running away from the guys. I wonder if they realised I wasn’t with them. Probably not.
I couldn’t handle the silence any longer so I pulled out my mobile phone and dialled Drew’s number. I knew it by heart. Holding it to my ear I counted the rings, after about 6 it cut off suddenly. I lowered the phone and stared at it in confusion. Did Drew just cut me off? Drew rejected my call? I stood shakily and began to pace around the room. Is Drew that mad at me? Would he forgive me? Does he hate me?
Suddenly my phone vibrated in my pocket. Pulling it out from my back pocket I unlocked it.
1 new message: Jay
I grumbled as I read who it was from. I wanted it to be Drew.
I had a nice time tonight. I missed your forced kisses and the fear in your eyes. We should do it again sometime. X
The first few times I read it I was shaking in fear at the thought of having to see him again. After rereading it a few times I noticed the threat for how empty it actually was. I didn’t have to see him again; I didn’t have to do anything he said anymore. I stood with the confidence for a while, happy with the freedom I had until I looked around the flat. I was alone now. No one to hold me when I was scared, no one to kiss me; tell me that they love me. I had no one to love. I was truly alone now. I needed Jay; I needed his demands and his threats. They’re all I have and all I deserve. Maybe if I did as he said he’d begin to love me this time? Noticing what I was saying to myself I began to get angry. How could I sink this low? He hurt me, he didn’t want me! Why would I even consider going back there?! Am I insane?
I threw my phone away from me, hearing it hit against the wall, filling the silence as it dropped to the ground. I pulled at my hair, at war with my mind.
I don’t need him. I do need him. I don’t need him. I do need him.
In a burst of newly found frustration I felt myself bring my hand across a shelf we had above the fireplace, sending all the ornaments we had collected over the years smashing to the ground. I couldn’t stand the silence any longer. I needed noise. Choking back a sob and I fell to my knees. I was pathetic. No wonder Jay didn’t love me. Who would? No wonder he beat me. Who wouldn’t? I sank lower to the ground, lying on my side and curled up into a ball. I didn’t care if I lay on any of the broken pottery, I just wanted to sleep. If I sleep, maybe I’ll forget.
“What the fuck happened in here?!”
I was loudly awoken to the sound of Laurence’s voice. Turning to lie on my back I opened my eyes to be met with Drew, Kier, Luke, and Laurence staring down at me. Some with wide, confused eyes, others with Scowling, intimidating eyes. Those eyes frightened me, and belonged to the bodies of Laurence Beveridge and Kier Kemp. I felt my breath turn rapid at the sight of them being angry with me and shot up into a standing position.
“I-I’m sorry, I’ll clean it up immediately!” I squeaked out running out the room and into the kitchen to grab a dustpan and brush before returning into the room and falling to my knees.
“Dude, it’s okay. We were just wondering, that’s all.” I heard Kier say, amusement clear in his voice. I didn’t respond, l just began to frantically sweep up the smashed pottery. I saw Luke crouch down slowly beside me, and attempted to grab the brush from me.
“No!” I shouted, making him jump back. “I’ll do it.” I mumbled quieter.
Luke raised his arms in surrender and stood up. I could almost feel their raised eyebrows and amused expressions from behind me.
“I’m sorry, I-it won’t happen again.” I said, speaking clear and loud for them to hear. Jay always hated it when I mumbled. I couldn’t make that mistake again, if I had any hope of anyone loving me.
I felt Drew’s presence next to me and wasn’t surprised when I saw him kneel beside me. I felt an arm on my shoulder and my automatic response was to flinch away from his touch. I regretted it almost instantly. Why was I acting so jumpy again?
I heard a quiet sigh from beside me, and I closed my eyes, letting out a small whimper. I had disappointed him, I failed him. He tried so hard to help me.
“Shane, sweetie. It’s okay, we aren’t angry.” He said, in a gentle tone. I put on a brave face and didn’t react to the sound of my name. I wasn’t going to upset him anymore.
“W-What?” I mumbled, bewildered. Why weren’t they angry? I made a mess, I broke their possessions. They should hate me. I released my grip on the dustpan and brush and allowed them to fall in front of me.
“Oh, Shane! You’re bleeding!” I heard Drew squeal. Looking down slowly I noticed a fairly large cut on the side of my left hand, from my pinky finger curving round to the back of my hand. I held in a gasp as he grabbed my hand, inspecting the cut. I flinched back, not wanting him to touch it and wriggled backwards to the corner of the room. Tucking my legs into myself, I tried to hide away in the corner of the room. It must have looked to the other guys as a foetal position but I was being strong. I wanted to protect myself. I knew what happens when I bleed, I have to look after myself, no one else would.
FLASHBACK
“Shane, Where the fuck are you?!” A booming voice followed throughout the flat.
I was hiding in our bedroom, on the floor away from the door as much as possible. I kept as silent as possible until a saw a shadow on the floor, coming out of the bottom of the door. I whimpered as the door flew open.
“There you are, Shaney.” Jay drunkenly slurred. He went out this evening, around 7PM and didn’t return until a few minutes ago. Later than he usually returned, it was almost 4AM now. He usually returns at around Midnight. Not that he cared, only I kept track of the times he came back. His loud boots hit the floor forcefully as he stomped over to me. He roughly grabbed me by the hair, pulling me up into a standing position. I held in a hiss as I stood, Jay hated reactions.
“Why were you hiding, Shaney?” He asked breath hot on my face. It was revolting, he stunk of stale alcohol, and it made me sick. “Are you scared of me, Shaney?”
I shook my head as best as I could in the position I was in to give myself the least amount of pain.
“But you’re shaking, Darling.”
“I-I’m cold.” I lied, my voice failing me.
He chuckled cruelly. “You know, you hurt me today, Shaney.” He said, walking towards the bed, my hair still firmly in his grasp. Throwing me forcefully to the bed he smirked down at me. “I didn’t like how you left me all day to be with that Blond Midget.” He spat.
“L-Left you?” I asked.
“Yes, Shane. Are you deaf?” He screamed.
I flinched. “B-But J-Jay we s-spend time together all the time. D-Drew w-wanted to hang out with me today.”
“What, so you do what he wants? What about me, what about what I want?!” He shouted at me, swinging the back of his hand up high in the air and brought it down across my cheek. I hitched in a breath at the impact and brought a hand cautiously to my cheek.
“W-What do you m-mean Jay?” I whimpered. Why was I testing him like this? Did I want him to hurt me?
He snarled at me. “You’re always with that Midget! Are you cheating on me? Is that it? Do you hate me, Shane; do you want to hurt me?”
I shook my head, fear in my eyes as he swung his fist towards my face.
“Is it payback for all the times I hurt you?” He screamed out as his fist connected with my face, again and again. “Is it?!”
“No!” I screamed back, shielding my face from any more harm, but that didn’t stop him. It never did. I don’t remember him ever being this angry though, he had never hit me this much in one sitting before. I must have really angered him today, or he must have drunk too much.
He stepped back after a few more hits to my back, realising my hidden face.
He took a deep breath. “I don’t like being second best, Shane.” He told me, emotionless.
I unwrapped my arms from around my face and stared at him, eyes teary. Feeling wetness on my hands I looked down at them, eyes widening at the sight of red. I looked him in the eyes, only to be met with a smirk. Reaching up to my face I felt the familiar feeling around my upper lip, just below me nose. I moved my hand down slowly at recognition of what it was.
“Y-You made me bleed.” I whispered, fear etched in my voice as I looked him dead in the eyes. He had never made me bleed before; it had never hurt me that much before.
“I suppose I did.” He replied drunkenly, walking out the room.
END OF FLASHBACK
“Shane? Shane?!” I shook my head to leave my thoughts and return to reality. I looked at Drew who was sat in front of me, eyes filled with worry. “Shane sweetie, are you okay?”
I only shook my head in response. Ignoring the sound of my own name I spoke carefully.
“Why aren’t you hitting me?” I whispered, looking around the room. My response was only shocked faces on each of the remaining people. Luke and Laurence must have left while I was reminiscing the past.
“Why would we do that, Cy?” Kier asked, disgusted at the question I asked.
“B-Because I made a mess.” I replied simply.
“Shane, we would never hurt you. We love you, and care about you. We would never, never even think about hitting you.” Drew said, placing a comforting hand on my lower arm. Looking up at Kier standing over me, who was nodding along with Drew. I looked away, processing what Drew just said. So, they didn’t want to hurt me, then why did Jay? What did I do to make him hate me so much?
“Come on, let’s go clean you up.” Drew said patting my arm then standing up. I looked up at him in confusion. “Your hand.” He replied, to my expression and I nodded, standing up slowly.
I allowed Drew to drag me into the bathroom. He made me sit on the closed lid of the toilet seat while he messed around in the cupboards. Pulling out a First Aid kit he knelt in front of me. He went to grab my hand but I held it close to me.
“Shane, I need to disinfect the wound before it gets worse.” He said, looking straight into my eyes.
I sighed and cautiously held it out to him; he smiled at me gracefully and held my hand in his.
“Okay, now if I put this cream on, it might sting, okay?” I nodded, preparing myself for the worst. As he rubbed the cream onto my hand I held in a yelp, remembering how I can’t react to pain. Drew must have noticed this as he said;
“It’s okay to respond to pain, you know? If it hurts you can tell me.” He whispered, looking up at me.
I looked at him with wide eyes. Why is he everything Jay isn’t? Everything Jay taught me that wasn’t right, why is it okay with Drew?
I let out a yelp as he continued to rub cream into my hand. I placed my free hand over my mouth, shocked at what I just did.
“It’s okay.” He reassured me. “It’s completely normal to react when something hurts.” I nodded as he spoke and removed my hand that was palmed over my mouth. We fell into silence, me only hissing occasionally if he applied too much pressure to my cut.
“There we go.” He said once the cream was completely rubbed in. “Now, let’s put a plaster on this cut and you’ll be good to go.” He grinned up at me, I smiled back. His happiness was infectious.
He gently placed a skin coloured plaster over my hand and stood up.
“All done.” He confirmed as he returned the first aid box to its original home.
“T-Thank you.” I murmured as he turned to face me. He nodded and walked back over to me.
“Are you okay now?” He asked kneeling back down to me.
“I-I think so.” I replied, nodding. “I’m sorry for earlier. I didn’t mean to shout at you.”
He nodded, signalising that my apology was accepted. “What happened out there?”
“J-Jay was at the pub. H-He saw me play and followed me outside. H-He forced himself on me.” Drew looked at me with wide eyes. “I-I didn’t like it, Drew. I-I pushed him away but he hit me again. I didn’t know what to do.”
Drew pulled me to the floor with him and placed his arms around me comfortingly, hugging me.
“Did I do the right thing?” I whispered into his neck. Wrapping my arms around his waist, I returned the affection.
Drew nodded. “Yes, Shane. You did.”
“It doesn’t feel like it.” I mumbled in reply.
Drew pulled away and looked me in the eyes. “It was, Shane. You stood up for yourself, I’m so proud of you.” He said kissing me lightly on my cheek. I blushed and smiled slightly.
“I don’t feel like I did anything good.” I replied.
“You wouldn’t, not yet. You’re just beginning recovery, Sweetie.” He informed me, hugging me again. “I’m so proud of what you’ve done so far, you are coming out of your shell more around us and allowing us to call you Shane again. That’s amazing progress.”
I nodded slightly against his shoulder, smiling. Pulling away he kissed the top of my head, making me blush again.
“Thank you, Drew. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” I whispered.
Drew grinned.
Drew’s POV
After I cleaned Shane’s wound I sent him to bed. I thought he’d need all the sleep he could get after today’s adventures. He’d been through enough. After I said goodnight I walked into the kitchen, quickly making myself a cup of tea and treaded through into the living room where Laurence was cleaning up the pottery Shane had broken earlier.
“Want a hand?” I offered placing my mug onto the coffee table, in front of the sofa. Laurence shook his head, smiling across at me.
“I got it.” He said, and I nodded, settling into the sofa. He finished collecting all the pieces he could and left the room, presumably to dispose of the broken pottery safely. Soon after he returned with his own mug in hand and sat in the armchair opposite me.
“How’s Shane?” He asked, blowing on his hot drink.
“Okay, Tired, but okay.” I said smiling at him slightly.
Laurence nodded. “That’s good.”
Around fifteen minutes later I finished my tea and decided it was time for bed. I bid Laurence goodnight and retreated to my bedroom, falling asleep instantly as soon as my head hit the pillow.
The next morning I was woken by Kier’s grinning face, centimetres from my own.
“The fuck, Kier?!” I squeaked out, jumping away from his face.
“Band Meeting.” He said simply, running out the room, presumably to wake the others.
I sighed loudly and dragged myself out of bed, checking the time on my digital clock on my bedside table.
“Why the fuck are we having a band meeting at 7am the morning after a gig?!” I grumbled, pulling on a clean t shirt over my pyjama bottoms and ruffling my hair as I left my bedroom. I walked into the living room sleepily and fell onto the sofa, soon followed by a zombified Luke.
“What is going on?” He groaned, yawning loudly.
“No idea.” I replied in the same tone.
Kier and Laurence walked in soon after, passing me and Luke a coffee as Kier sat next to me and Laurence took the chair opposite.
“Where’s Shane?” I asked looking around, noticing the missing presence of the taller blond.
“We’re having this meeting without him.” Laurence replied.
“Why?!” I asked, louder than before. “This is a band meeting, he’s in the band, and therefore he should be here!” I don’t know why that annoyed me so much, I guess I’m just being protective. They shouldn’t leave him out though; they know how sensitive he is at the moment. If he found out we held a meeting without him who knows what he’d do.
“Wooly, shut up.” Kier said simply. I angrily folded my arms, sulking.
“This is a meeting about him, Drew.” Laurence said, answering my question. “I’m worried about him.”
I unfolded my arms as he spoke.
“We all are.” Luke spoke, keeping in yet another yawn as he drunk his coffee.
“What happened last night?” Laurence asked me. “Why did he leave without telling us?”
“H-He just needed time alone.” I replied. I didn’t know what to tell them, I couldn’t tell them anything without telling them about Jay’s abuse, and that is something that isn’t for me to tell.
“He getting better though, you have to admit that, Laur.” Kier piped up.
“Did you see him last night? That doesn’t seem like getting better to me.” Luke replied.
Laurence nodded with him. “I-I’ve been thinking and I think it would be best if Shane had some time off.” He said cautiously, not taking his eyes off me. My mouth dropped open at what he was saying.
“Y-You’re kicking him out?” I asked.
“What the fuck, Laurence?!” I heard Luke say beside me.
“No! No! Of course not, I wouldn’t do that. I just meant that if he doesn’t play any shows for a while, just until he’s over this Jay guy.” He replied shaking his head, as shocked about the thought of Shane leaving the band as we were.
“That sounds fair.” Kier agreed.
“What about us? If you haven’t noticed Laurence, you kind of need a lead guitarist if you want a band.” I snapped, hating the idea of Shane not playing with us.
“I’m sure me and Laurence could share it out. I mean how hard can it be to play lead and sing at the same time?” Kier replied and Laurence nodded along.
“Try extremely hard, especially to Shane’s level.” I retorted, like I said, I was protective of my timid.
“Okay so, they won’t be as good as Shane, but it’s worth a shot though, right?” Luke said, looking across at me.
I sighed and shook my head knowingly. “Shane won’t agree to this.”
“Shane won’t have a say in this.” Laurence said, downing the last of his drink and placing the empty mug on the coffee table. “It’s either take a break for a while, or forever.”
I looked at his mouth agape. “You wouldn’t kick him out would you?”
Laurence shrugged.
“He’s your best friend!”
“You think I want to? You’re not the only one worried about him, Drew! It’s for his own health!”
“Laurence is right, Drew. Shane isn’t mentally stable enough to play.” Luke muttered.
“He’s not fucking insane.” I snapped.
“Maybe not but he’s not exactly the poster boy for sanity, is he?” Laurence replied, standing up.
I slumped back into the sofa, admitting defeat.
“We’ll see how he is today, if he seems better than he was last night, maybe we won’t have to do anything.” He said and left the room.
“I didn’t sign up for all this drama when I joined the band.” Luke murmured before following Laurence out the door.
I turned to Kier.
“You don’t agree with all this, do you?” I asked the red fringed boy, hopefully he would agree with me.
Kier shook his head. “I don’t know what to think, Drew.”
I nodded in understanding, then began stare out in front of me. “If Laurence kicks Shane out then I’m going with him. I don’t want to be in a band without him.”
“Don’t merge your Career and your Crush together, Wooly. It’s not worth it.” Kier warned me.
“I don’t care. I don’t want this if I don’t have Shane to share it with.”
Kier nodded and smiled across at me. “I feel the same with Laurence.”
We sat in silence for a few minutes until Kier spoke.
“Shane has to tell them.” He whispered to me.
“Why?” I replied, he could when he wanted.
“If Laurence knew why he was acting like this he wouldn’t have acted like he did just then.”
I nodded slowly. “But, Shane is getting better. He doesn’t have to tell them if he doesn’t want to.”
Kier sighed. “I know you’re helping him and I am starting to see a difference in him but, what if he isn’t better today? Making Shane have time off is just going to send him spiralling back into himself.”
I nodded along. I knew he was right, but how will Shane take the news that he has to tell another two people about the abuse he suffered for two years of his life when all he wants to do is forget?
I thought about it for a minute, I can’t do this without Shane, what’s the point in living my dream if I don’t have Shane to share it with? He does so much for this band. ‘Fearless Vampire Killers’ is his baby; they can’t take that away from him, it would crush him.
I sighed. “Fine, I’ll talk to him.”
Kier grinned at me.
“No promises that he’ll do it though.” I warned him.
Kier nodded. “I know, but no harm in trying.”
“I guess.” I muttered and drank the last of my now cold coffee.