Can you still hear me? Why did you do that?
Remember when you lost yourself? Remember that horrible night when you realized there was no point anymore?
I hate that I have to remind you of this.
He slowly whistled those haunting notes, playfully messing with your head as he paced back and forth. Your body shook each time his heavy boots met with the loose gravel. Puffs of white hung in the air in front of your face, the cold breeze biting at the tip of your nose. Shards of rocks and dirt dug into the tough skin on your jean clad knees, your hands were folded behind your back, your head was tilted upward.
The black night sky was all you could dare to look at, not at the horrible man who had the the dark wood comfortably slung over his shoulder making him look eerily calm, not at the terrified faces of the people you thought couldn't be broken, and especially not at the hardened expression of the boy you loved as he tried to remain collected. You saw it, though, you saw that he was tearing at the seams.
You squinted your eyes and hoped that the bright lights around you would fade so you could catch a glimpse of the stars. The stars were always able to calm you down, to remind you that the world was bigger than you thought and that there was something more than just surviving through life.
There was a weird feeling in your stomach, and you dreaded the end of something. It wasn't the usual fear you felt when you were thrown into a near death experience, it was different, you just knew something was off about that night. You prayed that you would wake up in your bed at Alexandria, safe and sound, away from the eyes of all those Saviors.
"Well..." The man they called Negan had a haunting grin on his face that rattled your bones.
You knew someone was going to die that night, and he was talking his damn sweet time picking out one of the people you loved dearly.
"I simply cannot decide."
You held your breath, closing your eyes and bowing your head, just wanting it all to be over. Negan was not only to kill one of your own that night, but he was prepared to steal your very way of life, to sweep it right out from under you like a rug. You just wanted it to be over.
"I got an idea." He said while smiling at Rick.
Rick.
It was so hard to watch him submit to Negan. Rick was shaking like a leaf as he got on his knees, and it broke your heart as well as all your courage. Seeing someone as strong as Rick so scared and lost made you more terrified than you had ever been.
"Eeny." Negan stuck his barbed wire wrapped baseball bat in Rick's face, taunting him with a cheeky grin.
"Meeny." He pointed his weapon at Sasha.
"Miney." Then Carl.
The blue eyed boy glared up at him, and your heart went out to him for trying to be brave.
"Moe." Then, you.
You didn't dare look at him. Instead, you held your breath and feared the worst during the long pause after he spoke. You could feel his eyes on you and this was confirmed when he cleared his throat. When you slowly lifted your eyes to meet his, he flashed you a smile and mouthed a thank you before moving on. You watched him walk away, and in doing that you met Carl's gaze.
"Catch a tiger by his toe."
You wanted to look away, but you feared you might never see his stare again. Those eyes you fell so hard for were looking at you and you looked in return. One eye was already gone, and you weren't going to lose sight of the other. While his composition said he was still calm in the face of death, his eyes said it all. You just knew he was scared.
"If he hollers, let him go. My mother told me to pick the very best one." With each word, he pointed his weapon at someone else's face, scaring you each time he got closer and closer to the end of the nursery rhyme.
"And you."
Looking past Carl, you saw the people who meant the most to you, all lined up and under the control of this mad man. Someone was to die that night, you knew that.
"Are."
Carl looked away from you, breaking eye contact, reminded that no matter what, he wasn't coming back. He left you and you could not have felt more empty. You wanted to reach out and wrap him up in your arms, but it still hurt so much to even look at him. Then you remembered. You remembered that you had nothing left to live for anymore.
As Negan pointed his bat at the unlucky person who was to go head to head with Lucille, no one noticed you rise to your feet.
"It."
"Me." You said simultaneously.
Instantly, two hulky men were are your side, dragging you back down to the ground. Negan's head whipped to the side, amusement taking over his features.
"What?" He said, looking around.
"It's jus' this little bitch pretendin' to be brave." The grey haired man on your right spat. Negan chuckled and slung his weapon over his shoulder again.
"Let her talk." He said with a hand wave. The men around you grunted and backed off. You took a deep breath and got to your feet again.
"What did you say? And make it quick, I don't have all night." Negan said.
"I said me." You spoke in a much too small voice.
"What was that?" Negan mockingly put his hand behind his ear.
"Me." You said louder, tears welling up as your voice cracked. Negan laughed, and through your fear, you got a bit angry at him for laughing at your pain.
"You said it yourself, you want us to work for you. They can help you more than I ever could." You said, desperately trying to control the tears, "You want blood?" You held your hands out and gestured to yourself, "Take it from me. Make it easy for yourself."
During your little speech, Negan had slowly walked toward you.
"No, please, she is just a child." Rick tried to say, but Negan cut him off.
"Shut him up." He then turned to you and smiled, "Come on, sit back down kid. Just enjoy the show."
"Is there any reason it shouldn't be me?" Your voice shook. Negan laughed again and took a step back to look you up and down.
"You sure you want to do this, kid?"
Instead of answering, you slowly sunk back to your knees in front of him. He chuckled deeply and once he regained his composure he wiped his nose and said, "Alright. Anyone moves, anybody says anything, cut the boy's other eye out and feed it to his father and then we'll start."
Your face fell at the mention of Carl. You could feel his eyes on you, well, everyone's eyes were on you, but you didn't dare look back at him.
"You can breathe, you can blink, you can cry, hell, you're all gonna be doing that." And with that he raised his bat and brought it down right on the top of your head.
Thud.
The initial impact was numbing and you felt woozy, but after a few seconds, the pain hit you full force. It was the second most painful thing you had ever experienced. Blood clouded your vision as you gathered your strength and looked back up at him.
"Woah look at that. Takin' it like a champ!" Negan's voice rang through the numerous screams.
You opened your mouth and raised your hands as he brought the weapon over his head again, mercilessly bashing you on the back of your head.
Thud.
Despite the intense agony, you again got back onto your knees. You wanted to scream, but it was muffled from the metallic tasting liquid in your mouth. Blood ran down from your nose, mouth, and even your ears. Negan laughed again, saying, "Would you look at this kid!" Before viciously swatting at your left cheek.
Thud.
You fell from your knees to the ground, your bloody facial features facing toward your group. Through your narrowed eyes, you saw the paled face of Carl. He was on his stomach only a few feet away. His arms were reached out toward you, digging through the course gravel, but he could not get closer to you from under the weight of a Savior.
Thud.
He screamed your name, tears sprung from his eye, he tried to get the Savior that was pinning him to ground off of him, but nothing was working. You tried to reach your hand out to touch his finger tips that were outstretched only a few inches away, but your arm wouldn't respond. You couldn't even blink, couldn't even focus on anything except for the splitting pain that consumed you.
Thud.
Thud.
Thud.
Then there was nothing. The pounding stopped, there were no more screams, no more laughter, no more pain. There was nothing but darkness and the thought of a boy.