Natsumi inhaled the scent of her hometown, glad to finally be off that godforsaken train. Normally she'd have walked back, since Hargeon was so close to Magnolia, however, she was too excited to be home. After a week away from her family, she wanted to see Lucy and Erza and even that damned stripper.
It also helped that she felt lighter than she had. Being away helped ease the unfamiliar anxiety she carried about Laxus, and though she'd been haunted by the memory of him both while sleeping and while conscious, she couldn't avoid the problem forever. It wasn't in her nature to stand idly by while the world spun on around her.
She'd come to a decision: she was still loathe to talk to Laxus, and she didn't intend to until he came to his senses, but she wouldn't avoid her family for his sake. They were more important than her desire to be away from him, and their support was far greater than her problems.
Happy fluttered around her, tucking on her scarf in the direction of the guild. Smiling, she followed the airborne feline through the flower-lined streets, taking in the storefronts and the passersby that she'd missed while away.
"It's good to be back," she sighed out, bringing her hands behind her head as she ambled along the road.
"I hope Carla missed me as much as I missed her," Happy purred out. He let go of Natsumi's scarf so he could spin around in circles, his mind wandering to Wendy's Exceed companion. Natsumi laughed, hoping for his sake that Carla decided to finally acknowledge him.
"Let's hope so, buddy," she said, knowing that the white cat was just going to turn up her nose at Happy's next fish offering regardless. She hoped Happy would bounce back as quickly as he usually did, as it seemed like he was as unlucky in love as she was.
Natsumi stopped in her tracks, eyes widening at the direction her thoughts had turned.
In love?
She slapped both hands to her cheeks to scramble those forbidden thoughts. She was talking crazy. Well, thinking crazy, at least. Natsumi couldn't possibly be in love with that idiot, and it was so stupid that she felt angry for letting her brain slip up like that.
She was past this. It wasn't worth the energy of thinking about, since she couldn't accept someone that didn't respect her enough to see her for who she was, and not some worthless doll. Natsumi could never allow herself to love someone that thought that was okay.
With that single errant thought, her mood plummeted. As she grew closer to the guild, Happy noticed her souring demeanor and stopped his love-struck babbling.
Angry at her shattered resolve, Natsumi pushed onward, trying to swallow the sinking feeling in her gut. Laxus would be at the guild, waiting for her. Would he try to talk to her? Her fist clenched at the thought. Like hell she'd just let that fucker try to butter her up again with fake platitudes.
"Are you okay?" Happy flew to Natsumi, eclipsing her vision with his closeness.
Natsumi tried to smile, but it came out as a grimace. Reaching forward, she wrapped her arms around the Exceed in a fierce hug.
"I'm not sure, but I'm trying to be," she said into the hug. "But I won't know until we go back."
Pulling away, Happy smiled up at his best friend. "Don't worry! I'll be with you the whole time! And so will Lucy."
Natsumi's smile was successful this time. "Thanks, buddy."
Pushing down the panicky feeling that made her hands shake, she released her hold on the cat and resumed her journey to the guild hall with renewed purpose. Her determination stayed with her as she pushed open the heavy wooden doors of the guild hall. Heads turned at the commotion, shocked by the way Natsumi entered the guild as if prepared to face an army of attackers. The girl's eyes darted back and forth as she advanced, making no greetings.
Mira and Lucy, whose conversation at the bar was interrupted by the commotion, watched with concern as Natsumi made her way toward them, trailed by an uncharacteristically silent Happy. They shot each other a look, wondering if the dragon slayer hadn't calmed down from her mission as they'd anticipated.
The celestial mage silently regarded the smaller pink-haired girl as she hopped onto a barstool next to her. The tension in Natsumi's shoulders worried her friend.
She tentatively reached out a hand to touch the dragon slayer's shoulder in greeting. Slowly, Natsumi faced her. The girl didn't relax her focused expression, but nodded a greeting to Lucy and Mira. Without speaking, she turned in her seat, once again scanning the guild with eagle eyes.
"Don't worry. Your boyfriend hasn't been here for days," Gray quipped from his seat at the end of the bar.
Natsumi's posture immediately slackened with relief before her eyes lit up with anger as she processed the rest of Gray's words.
She wheeled on him, a harsh glare on her face. "He is NOT my boyfriend! If I hear you talking like that again, Popsicle, I'm going to melt you!" For good measure, she ignited a fist and waved it in the ice mage's direction.
Before he could bite out a snarky retort, a meaningful look from Mira shut Gray up. Suppressing a shiver threatening to make its way down his bare spine, he turned back to his drink. It was one thing to pick a fight with Natsumi, but an entirely different thing to awaken the Demon of Fairy Tail.
"So," Lucy began, trying to be diplomatic in distracting Natsumi from Gray's antagonism. "How was the job? You took your sweet time. Please tell me you didn't take out half the city again."
The dragon slayer drooped at her friend's lack of faith in her. "We didn't destroy anything this time," she pouted. "Well, I kind of lit part of the pier on fire. There was an oil spill and it just sort of happened-but no one said anything! We got the full reward!" She held up her hands when she saw Lucy's glare at the words 'pier' and 'on fire.'
"Yeah! Natsumi got a whole den full of bad guys! It was so cool!" Happy cheered, sitting on the bar counter between the two girls.
The celestial wizard relaxed, accepting their news as the truth. "Good. We still need to make rent and you're still under punishment from the Master. When the penalties come out of your reward, where does it leave you?"
Natsumi scratched her head, shrugging. "Who knows? Math makes my brain fuzzy."
Rolling her eyes, Lucy held out her hand. The older girl took the hint and handed over the stack of Jewels from her pocket. The blonde counted it out quickly, doing the mental math for the forty percent deduction the Master was taking as punishment for her friend attacking Laxus.
"Good news is that, even with the penalty, you'll definitely be able to make your rent for this month," she smiled and handed the money back. Natsumi pocketed it with an answering smile and turned to Mira to order an entrée in celebration.
"I forgot how lucrative jobs could be when you don't lose most of the reward in repair costs," Lucy said as the barmaid disappeared into the kitchen. "Why can't you manage it when the whole team goes on a job?"
"Probably because Natsumi was too distracted to blow up any buildings," Happy teased. He ignored the dirty look the dragon slayer threw him, smirking up at Lucy.
The blonde raised an eyebrow, her suspicions confirmed. She bit back the sly comment about what her friend's distraction could possibly stem from, opting for a more subtle approach.
Undeterred, the cat continued. "She just kept beating up random groups of bandits for days. It took her days to realize she never found out where they were hiding," he giggled. "She was too busy thinking about who she liiiiikes."
"I was not!" Natsumi growled. "And I got the job done, didn't I? All you did was fly around and make fun of them while I kicked their asses."
"I'm sure he only did that because you had it under control," Lucy placated with an awkward laugh. It seemed Natsumi was still feeling sensitive about her conflict with Laxus, and she didn't want the dragon slayer to accidentally take it out on Happy, even if he was teasing her. She decided to leave the other girl be for the time being. Maybe later she'd be more willing to talk about her feelings, since it didn't seem like she was ready to acknowledge that it was still bothering her right now. For now, she'd try to get Natsumi out of her own head.
"Hey, Happy. Don't you think Carla looks hungry?" True to form, Happy's eyes lit up at the mention of the female Exceed. Lucy opened her mouth in mock surprise, her hand flying to her mouth. "Don't tell me you haven't said hello to her yet? I'm sure she missed you."
The cat was gone before she finished her statement, flying at full speed to the table where Carla sat with Wendy and Levy.
"Damn, I'm good," she smirked to herself as she looked back to her friend, who was now busy digging into an enormous hamburger, courtesy of a newly returned Mira. Even after all the shared meals, both in the guild, at home, or gathered around the fireplace, Lucy was always amazed at the girl's ability to put away food at such speed. Within minutes, the plate in front of her was clean, leaving nothing but crumbs behind.
Natsumi, now with a full stomach, was feeling much calmer, especially since finding out that Laxus was gone. She wouldn't admit it, but she was grateful for the Ice Bastard for giving her a heads up about where he'd gone. Maybe she'd get a few days to finish convincing her stupid brain that Laxus and his shit didn't matter.
Feeling a tug on her arm, she found Lucy smiling over at her.
"Come on," her friend said, standing up and motioning Natsumi to follow. "Let's head home. I got some cookie dough from the store yesterday that has our names on it as long as you promise to save some long enough to make actual cookies out of it."
Not needing to be told twice, Natsumi shot up to the second floor to drop off her penalty money with the Master, never losing the excited smile on her face.
Lucy rolled her eyes at her antics. She'd let Natsumi have a reprieve, but her friend was dead wrong if she thought she'd let her run from her feelings, especially when they were so obvious. As her best friend, it was Lucy's duty to make sure her friend got past whatever she was going through, and that included boy troubles-even if the thought of Natsumi having boy troubles was still a weird thought to entertain.
When the dragon slayer returned from her errand, it was Lucy's turn to be dragged out of the guild.
"Come on, Luce! You promised me cookies. You coming, Happy?" The dragon slayer didn't stop to acknowledge the dejected 'Aye, sir' that the cat uttered in response, having just been rejected by Carla once again.
The next days were the most normal Natsumi had felt since returning from the Grand Magic Games. With brawls at the guild, Lucy spoiling her with chicken wings, and running from Erza's wrath, the dragon slayer was enjoying how clear her mind was. With the way things were, it was easy to put aside her worries and her anger in favor of having fun.
She should have known Lucy would never let her forget it for long.
As she lay sprawled out on their living room couch one evening, shoveling potato chips into her mouth, Lucy came in from the kitchen, taking a dainty seat across from her. Judging by the serious expression on her face, she knew what Lucy had to tell her couldn't be good. She gulped, her hand frozen in the chip bag on her chest.
Clearing her throat, the blonde began.
"I know it's been a few days since you've been back, and I really hoped you'd come to me before I had to resort to this, but I was wrong." The blonde crossed her hands over her chest and shifted in her chair. "I don't know when Laxus will be back, but you have to confront your feelings. Stop pretending like everything's fine."
The dragon slayer averted her eyes. "Everything is fine, Luce."
"Don't lie to me," Lucy glared. "You don't get over something like that in a few days, and we both know that you have no idea what to do once Laxus comes back."
"That's not true."
The scowl on Lucy's face didn't let up. Sighing, Natsumi sat up to face her properly, pushing the potato chip bag away. "I'm fine," she insisted, looking her friend in the eye. "I just want to forget that this ever happened so things can go back to normal."
"Are you sure you want that? It's not good to let things go unresolved like that. You were so angry. Can you just let go of that so easily?" The celestial mage spoke in an even voice, her face relaxing. She'd hear her friend out, but she wasn't the least bit convinced that her friend was as fine as she let on.
"I'm not good at feelings. Everyone knows that. I don't even really want to be. Everything so far has been so much trouble," she grumbled. She pulled at her scarf, unwinding it from her neck only to immediately redo it.
Lucy pursed her lips. "But what about Laxus? Despite what you said before, I really do think he was genuine. Aren't you being a little unfair? Maybe he had a good reason for the way he's acted." Trying to reason with her friend was like trying to reason with a brick wall, the blonde decided. She noticed the immediate stiffening of her friend's posture and suppressed the urge to rip out her own hair. As worried as she was about how Natsumi was handling the situation-that is, not handling it at all-she was frustrated with how deliberately oblivious she was being, not just about Laxus, but herself as well.
Natsumi narrowed her eyes at the blonde's questioning. "Even if this never happened, I don't get why Laxus would decide he was in love with me, especially since he thinks I'm some fragile person." As she talked, the pink-haired girl felt the frustration that she'd worked so hard to let go of over the past few days resurface. She dug her fingers into the fabric of the sofa cushions. "That'll never be me. He'd be much better off with someone that would like that sort of thing. I did a lot of thinking while I was away, even if it doesn't seem like it, and I guess I can believe he cares about me like that, but I'm not sure why he would when I'm nothing like how he sees me. So it doesn't matter if he thinks I'm pretty or any stuff like that. Thinking about anything else is too much trouble," she finished, taking in a breath.
Lucy blinked at her friend. After several moments, she relaxed in the chair and leaned back, a look of surprise painted on her beautiful face.
"Wow, Nat. I didn't expect you to actually have given that serious thought-"
"Hey! You're acting like I don't have anything between my ears, Luce!"
The blonde raised an eyebrow. "If you took the time to actually think that much about this, then I'm pretty sure that's more than enough evidence to say that you care about him, even if you won't admit it out loud." The subsequent smirk told Natsumi that Lucy thought she'd just won, but it only annoyed the dragon slayer.
"How does that mean I like him?! I just told you it wasn't going to happen!" She clenched her fists, wishing she'd stayed later at the guild so she could've avoided this.
Lucy allowed herself a small smile. Natsumi wasn't fooling anyone, least of all herself.
"If you didn't like him, you'd have dismissed him outright and not thought about it anymore, like you do with everything that you don't care about. It wouldn't matter how angry his refusals to spare made you. But you actually thought about it. You like him, like I've been saying this entire time."
"I don't! He doesn't respect me, like I've said this entire time! Why aren't you listening to me?!" Natsumi threw her hands up. She was getting so tired of Lucy's lectures, even if the other girl was just trying to look out for her. It hurt to have it thrown in her face when she was just starting to feel better.
"If this is all about fighting for you, what would you do if he agreed to it? Hmm? What happens when you have no more excuses to run away from stuff that scares you?"
Natsumi scoffed. "He never agreed to before except for Harvest Festival, and he was half crazy then anyway. That'd never happen." Petulantly, she crossed her arm over her chest.
"Stop avoiding the question or I'll call Virgo!"
"I already said I-"
"Open, gate of the-"
"I don't know, okay?!" Natsumi shot up off the couch, startling the blonde, who clutched Virgo's key to her chest in surprise. "What's the point?! He's never going to change and he's never going to see me as anything but an amateur that he has to take care of! It doesn't matter how I feel!" Her chest rose and fell rapidly as her face bloomed red in anger.
"So you do care about him!"
"It doesn't matter, okay?! Leave me alone!" Natsumi boomed, the temperature in the room rising enough to make Lucy break out into a sweat. A small part of her brain wondered if she should call out a spirit just in case she really had pushed her friend too far, but she quickly and shamefully squashed it, knowing Natsumi would never hurt her, even at her angriest.
Despite this, she let the dragon slayer storm past her without further protest. A few seconds later, the sound of Natsumi's door slamming reverberated throughout the apartment, and Lucy sighed and hung her head.
While she didn't regret trying to get her friend to admit her feelings, she wished she'd handled it differently. She didn't mean to make Natsumi upset, but she didn't want her friend to go through life shutting down her emotions when things got difficult. Even worse, she didn't want her to give up the opportunity of loving someone that legitimately loved her in return and wanted to make her happy.
But now, it looked like it really and truly was out of Lucy's hands. No matter what she did, the dragon slayer insisted on doing everything her way.
Lucy just wished Natsumi would treat this like a mission and go barreling in headfirst instead of running away.
With a heavy heart, Lucy got up from her seat and began tidying the living room, picking up the forgotten potato chip bag and righting the sofa pillows. It was a pointless endeavor. By the time she finished her chores and nightly ablutions, she was just as upset as ever, and her heart ached for her friend as much as her head cursed her stupidity. Crawling into her bed, she settled in for a sleepless night.
Natsumi's vision was blurry by the time she slammed her door. She couldn't decide who she was angrier at: Lucy for pushing her, Laxus for starting all this, or herself for caring about any of it. The small girl scrubbed at her face, not wanting to deal with more tears, even when she was by herself.
She felt so tired. Having everything dredged back up like that brought back all her old concerns and fears, and it was exhausting. With a sigh, she threw off her clothes, and climbed into her hammock, intent on sleeping away the awful evening, when a squeak alerted her to a presence already in bed.
Jumping back, she came face to face with a sheepish Happy. Instantly, she knew he'd heard everything and braced herself for more torture, or worse, teasing. To her surprise, however, the cat patted the spot next to him without a word. Natsumi smiled and climbed in, glad that Happy knew that she couldn't take any more tonight.
She cuddled the cat close to her chest, inhaling his damp, slightly fishy smell. While not exactly pleasant, it was comforting. She could always trust Happy to be there when no one else was. They laid there in silence for what felt like an eternity, but as the time passed, Natsumi felt no closer to sleep, despite her emotional exhaustion. No matter what she did, though, she couldn't stop Lucy's words from rattling around in her head, or Laxus's face as he told her he wouldn't fight her, or how he looked like she'd slapped him when she yelled at him in the infirmary.
It wasn't fair. She didn't necessarily want to hurt him or any of her comrades. She'd screwed up when she'd attacked him, but she hadn't gone into it wanting to do it. Neither did she want to cause him pain by rejecting him, if he'd been serious like he and Lucy said. It'd just...happened, and she couldn't see any other way.
This whole thing just sucked, and, not for the first time, she wished she could go back and never challenge Laxus when they got back home from the Grand Magic Games. Better yet, she wished he'd just sparred her so they could have never had this problem in the first place and maybe she'd have known what to do when he told her loved her. Maybe then she'd-.
She flinched as she stopped her train of thought. No. She promised herself back in Hargeon that she wouldn't think about pointless stuff. Hell, she'd just told Lucy the same thing hours ago. Scrunching her eyes together, she took several deep breaths, willing herself to clear her head and go to sleep.
To keep herself grounded, she opened her eyes to the fluff ball curled against her. She watched Happy's back rise and fall with his even breathing, admiring how the cat could fall asleep anywhere and through anything, no matter what.
She reached out to allow herself a soft scratch behind his ears when he surprised her by speaking.
"Hey Natsumi?" he asked, making her flinch. He didn't turn to face her, however, and she smiled softly at his laziness.
"Yeah, little buddy?" she answered him in a whisper, not wanting to wake Lucy in the next room by talking too loudly.
"Lucy didn't mean to make you feel sad. She just want to make you happy. So do I."
"I know. It's alright." There wasn't much to be said about it. If she was honest, she wasn't really mad at Lucy. She really had only been trying to help. Lucy couldn't have known that Natsumi had already made up her mind about everything.
After a long silence, Natsumi thought the tiny Exceed had actually drifted off. Just as she began another attempt to sleep, Happy's small, yawning voice spoke again through the darkness. "Natsumi?"
"Yeah?" she answered, clutching the cat closer to her chest, and burying her face into the plush fur on the scruff of his neck.
"I love you." She smiled against him, "I love you, too, Happy."
"And Lucy loves you. And Gray and Erza and Wendy and Levy and Mira and Cana and probably even Gajeel, even if he does smell." She couldn't contain her laughter, then.
"And I love them back. But what's that got to do with anything?"
"Well, Laxus doesn't have any of those people. He's got Freed and Bickslow and Evergreen, but sometimes they act more like servants than friends. He's only got Master."
"So?"
"Well maybe he doesn't know how show people that he loves them. Maybe he's even dumber than you are."
"Hey! You just said you loved me and now you're calling me stupid!" She huffed, yanking his tail and ignoring the subsequent yelp.
"I'm just saying that Laxus was never close to people, even before I hatched, right? Maybe he doesn't know that you're supposed to fight with the people you love, that you have to get stronger together so everyone can be happy!"
"But he fought with everyone in the Games. He won together with all of us. He took revenge for Lucy and helped us fight off the dragons. Not to mention Tenrou."
"As comrades. Maybe he doesn't realize that loving someone in the kissing way is the same. Maybe if you told him, he'd listen." Natsumi sighed heavily, letting Happy go and rolling to face the ceiling. She let what the cat had said sink in as she aimlessly traced the minute cracks in the ceiling. She was so tired of thinking.
"I don't know, Happy. My head hurts and I'm tired." This time, it was her friend's turn to sigh, knowing no additional progress was going to be made that night.
"Just keep thinking about it, alright? I don't think Laxus ever meant to make you sad." Natsumi offered him a halfhearted smile in the darkness, knowing the Exceed would be able to see it.
"I know, buddy. I will. But now it's bedtime," she said, noticing another yawn from the cat.
"Goodnight, Natsumi."
"Night." As the Exceed's breathing evened out a few minutes later, she repeated his words once more. Maybe he's even dumber than you are. Maybe he doesn't know how to show people he loves them. Hours later, her last thoughts were of how her life had suddenly become so much more complicated, and how a talking blue cat had suddenly become so wise.
The next morning, Natsumi woke before Happy and Lucy. Stealthily sliding from the hammock to prevent jostling the cat, she tiptoed across the apartment to the bathroom, change of clothes in hand, eyes glued to Lucy's door for signs of movement. Though she normally didn't care about how much noise she made or who she woke up in the morning-or any time, really- she wanted time to herself. It'd been so long since she sought time completely alone, without even Happy's company, but she found herself relishing it just this once. Opening the door to the bathroom slowly, wincing as the hinges creaked, she slipped inside, quickly stripping and hopping into the shower.
Though she heeded Happy's advice, after twenty minutes and exhausting all shower-related activities, her thoughts were just as jumbled as they had been before falling asleep the night before. As she messily combed her fingers through her long hair, she had to admit the truth of both Lucy and Happy's words, at least in part.
Since the infirmary, she'd been trying so hard to not let her thoughts go to the lightning mage. Despite his constant presence in her thoughts over the time she'd been in Hargeon, she'd managed to harness them so she couldn't think about 'what if's. It'd been too scary, too painful, too new. But now, as she stared at herself in the mirror, bare and utterly alone for the first time in recent memory, she couldn't bring herself to stamp out the rogue thoughts.
She couldn't deny it anymore. She did care about Laxus's opinion more than most peoples'. Probably more than anyone since Igneel left. His refusal to fight her bothered her more than it would coming from someone else, because for as long as she could remember, all she'd ever wanted other than to find her father was for Laxus to look at her in admiration. Her stomach twisted. Leaning against the half foggy mirror, she wrapped her arms around herself. It hurt and nothing made it better. It washed over her like a wave, threatening to knock her off her feet.
She'd been stupid and immature, but she knew she was right. No matter how much Lucy's words made sense, no matter how much she wanted to see Laxus smile and laugh again, no matter how she much admired his power and skill and beauty, it didn't change anything. She blinked back tears, still too sick of them to let them fall. It hurt even more, she decided, knowing that she cared about him, respected him, loved him, but couldn't accept him.
She tried to steady her breathing, having long since given up on her pink tangles in favor of slipping on her clothes, taking the extra care with her chest bindings and the ties on the bottom of her pants. The whole situation was more painful than she'd ever anticipated, or hadn't ever dared anticipate. She cared about Laxus and that made it so much worse, knowing that he cared about her, too-loved her, even-but that it wasn't enough. She knew that she couldn't compromise on what she wanted or deserved, but that seemed like such a hollow consolation. She wouldn't be happy with someone that wouldn't take her seriously, but she wasn't happy now, either. To the contrary, she was miserable, especially now that she'd finally let herself think about what she wanted from Laxus if he understood her.
Natsumi sighed. Igneel always taught her that it wasn't good to dwell on things you couldn't change. He'd said to always fight for things you believed in until your last breath, but to not go chasing lost causes. Up until now, she'd lived by that advice every day of her life, but now that the floodgates were open, she couldn't stop herself from the strange feelings of grief welling up in her.
It felt like a loss. Losing out on the chance to be loved like she wanted stung, and soon she felt anger return to the pit of her stomach, anger at Laxus for not understanding how she felt.
"Curse that walking power outlet. This is his fault," she grumbled halfheartedly, walking out of the bathroom and out of the apartment, not feeling up to saying goodbye. Remembering the words of her father, she swallowed down the sadness and did her best to let it go. It failed, but she felt steadier, like she could perhaps fix the cracks in herself that she'd just noticed were there all along. For now, she'd try to put it out of her mind.
Taking a deep breath and putting on her bravest face, she marched down the street with renewed purpose. She had an appointment at the guild with a disgustingly large stack of pancakes, and she'd be damned if she let her stupid feelings or a stupid fake lightning dragon slayer get in the way of her appetite.