When our world stopped...
JANUARY - 2013
I couldn't function for a day. I, along with the rest of my family, had jet lag like no other. I didn't even recognize the many presents in the living room when we walked through the door. What I did was go straight to bed without changing or anything.
Later that day, I woke up and went downstairs to realize there were about eight presents lying around the room. I stopped for a moment, taking in the different appearance of the living room. I awkwardly took the final step down from the stairs.
"Mom?" I asked.
It was four in the evening and I knew I was going to have a really jacked up sleeping system for a bit.
I walked into the kitchen to see Gwen and my father sitting at the island. I smiled at the sight of my girlfriend, taking a seat next to her and my dad.
"What are you doing here?"
"Your mom apparently got me gifts." She turned to my mother. "Which is extremely not necessary."
My mom turned and set down some meatball sandwiches in front of us. She gave Gwen a simple grin. "Don't feel guilty!"
"After New York? I need to be!"
"We accept you as part of the family now, Gwen."
Gwen blushed beside me. I leant forward and planted a kiss on her cheek and began to eat my sandwich.
After everyone finished, we headed to the living room. Gwen and I sat near the tree. Mom handed us three presents each. I felt bad. I hadn't gotten them anything.
I opened my first gift to find a pair of Osiris shoes. My second was a PSP and my last was a box of acrylic paints. I was actually pretty excited about my gifts.
Gwen got a hard covered spiraled journal, a dress, and a photo album from all the pictures my parents had taken of us from New York. She loved them as well.
But there were still two presents left. One to my Dad and another to my Mom.
Dad's was a couple of Chuck Norris movies. The minute Mom opened her present, I knew who'd gotten my parents the presents. I told Kory to stop giving her those damn snow globes!
"Oh my goodness! An Elf snow globe! Nathan, look how cute this is!" she exclaimed, pointing to the elves and shaking the globe.
Gwen giggled next to me. We agreed on not give each other presents this year because we actually spent a lot of our money in New York for activities she and I decided to do. She looked up at me.
I leant forward and whispered. "Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas."
...
I didn't even have time to open my locker when Ryan questioned me about New York.
"It was good. Gwen and I had a great time."
"Wait," he froze. "You mean nothing bad happened in New York? No drama?"
I shook my head, finally getting the locker combination right. "Yeah."
"Wow. That's a change."
"I know right."
Ryan and I turned to head to our first class. We noticed Noah walking down the hall as well in front of us. He turned to laugh at some guy next to him and met our gazes. He stopped laughing as he noticed us, walking silently.
"I kind of miss Noah." Ryan confessed.
I didn't answer. I missed Noah too. I did, but he changed.
The school day went on as usual. Alice and I partnered to finish a worksheet in the class we had together with Mr. Johnson.
"So, how was that trip you went on?" she asked nervously.
I glanced at her, told her the answer to the question and then spoke about the trip. "It was pretty cool. Have you ever been to New York?"
She nodded. "How about your girlfriend?"
I smirked. "You can call her Gwen, Ali."
She didn't say anything, only stared at me and then muttered the answer to the next question. I hastily wrote it down.
"Um, she's good."
"That's good."
I nodded.
I felt Alice was holding something back. She seemed to be a little apprehensive. I knew she was forcing herself to ask about Gwen. It was evident Alice didn't like the subject of my girlfriend but perhaps she felt she had the need to show me she wasn't jealous.
"K-Kyle?" she stuttered.
I glanced at her. "Yeah?"
"Um, this guy asked me out over break."
I froze, flicking my head toward the girl next to me.
"I said yes."
I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach. It wasn't the fact that I was envious of Alice finding someone else, I just never exactly thought I would witness Alice getting over me. I guess I felt jealous in that sense.
She went on. "I'm not sure I'm really... comfortable being with him alone. I was hoping you and G-Gwen would come with us. L-like a double date."
"What do you two plan on doing?"
"Just go to the movies."
I scrunched my nose. That's not a good choice for a first date. I shoved the thought away and smiled at Alice.
"Let's do it."
...
When I got home, I was walking toward my room but stopped once I passed the living room only to see my dad telling my mom comforting words while she was holding a phone to her ear.
He noticed me at the doorway. The look on his face was one I haven't seen in years, when his father died. He was breathing heavily.
"What's going on?" I asked.
My mom swiftly turned, hearing my voice behind her. When she laid her eyes on me, she let her arms fall.
"Kyle?"
I stood frozen, waiting for what she was about to tell me.
Mom gulped. "Gwen's in the hospital."
As if I were punched in the stomach, I stopped breathing. My bag fell from my shoulder and I stood completely still in the doorway of the living room.
"W-why is she at the hospital?" I questioned. I didn't wait for them to answer. I raced for the door.
"Kyle!" Mom called.
"I have to get there! I have to get there now."
"Kyle, wait!"
I opened the front door again and rushed out, not bothering to close it. My parents followed me.
"Your father will drive. Get in the car."
"No! I-"
"The roads are covered in ice, Kyle! Get in the car!"
"I was fine driving to school a-"
"Now!"
I complied, rushing toward the back seat. The car was started and everyone buckled quickly. The ride to the hospital was dreadful. It seemed as though I was losing time with Gwen slowly and painfully. My hands grew sweaty, making me constantly wipe them against my pants. I was breathing heavily, looking out the window again and again.
"She'll be okay, Kyle," Mom assured.
"Why is she even there?!" I asked, not entirely to my parents but just in general. "We saw her just a day ago and she was fine."
My parents didn't answer. I noticed my dad glance at me from the rear view mirror.
"She's fine, Kyle. I'm sure she's fine."
I began biting my nails. Suddenly, I noticed we were at the hospital. Dad stopped the car near the entrance and told my mom he'd park the car and that we should see Gwen as soon as possible.
I didn't listen to him. I rushed out before my mom. Bursting through the doors, I stopped at the front desk, meeting gazes with Pam.
"What room is she?" I was nearly hyperventilating at the moment, desperate to see my girlfriend.
Pam quickly searched through the computer. "What's her last name, Kyle?"
"Conrad. Pam, hurry."
"Hold on Ky- room five-oh-seven."
I didn't tell her thank you. I didn't ever look back to see if my mother was behind me or not, I just hurried. At some point, I was in the three hundreds, squeezing passed doctors and nurses and patients. I received some rude comments about my urgency but I paid no attention.
I found room 507 and burst through the door.
The sight before me was able to make me release the tears in my eyes. Denise sat in the chair, her head buried in her palms. George's face was bright red as he stared at his daughter.
Gwen wasn't awake. She had the sheet covering her body up to her chest, her arms above the sheet and lying limp as she slept. She was completely pale. She didn't look anything like herself.
Denise and George finally noticed my presence once the door closed. I just stared at them as they did the same to me until my parents both came through the door as well.
"What happened?" I mumbled, almost incoherent to the ears around me.
Denise stood up; tear streaks evident along her cheek bones. "We were just about to eat a snack and suddenly, there was sick all over the floor. I don't know what happened, I-"
George interjected his wife. "Dr. Harris came in about an hour ago," he said, "things aren't going well."
"What do you mean?" I inquired, taking a step forward and glancing at my girlfriend.
"They're taking tests."
I took in his words; wanting to fall to the floor and pray to God that nothing bad would happen to her, beg to him that she would be okay. I turned, walking toward her hospital bed and placing a hand on the sheet near her feet.
I took in her appearance a little longer this time. Her face wasn't as full and it seemed as though she was as pale as a ghost. Her arms seemed thinner and her lips were slightly agape. Small quiet breaths left her mouth ever so softly. If it weren't for the constant beep of the heart monitor, I would easily be fooled that she'd be dead considering it took such a long time before she inhaled and exhaled. It sounded as though after she exhaled, she'd stop breathing.
Suddenly, I heard the door close. I turned, realizing they'd all left. I cautiously took a chair and placed it next to Gwen's bed. I gently took her hand.
"Gwen?" I whispered.
She stirred, slowly waking up. She turned her head, her eyes opening the slightest bit. I let a tear fall, a small smile breaking through as she woke up. She was going to be okay.
"Why are you crying?" she croaked.
She glanced at our hands, noticing her hospital bracelet. Her face contorted into complete confusion, and then she sat up slightly, taking in her surroundings.
"W-why am I..."
My lips quivered.
She let her head fall against the pillow again. She stared at a certain spot at the wall in front of her.
"I... I don't remember..."
The door opened. Dr. Harris strolled in along with our parents. He held a clipboard in his left hand, his face solemn.
"Gwen," he greeted, "it's good to have you awake, sweetheart."
"I-I'm not sure why I'm here."
"What do you mean?"
She squinted her eyes, glancing at a few spots on the bed, her head bowed. "I don't remember coming in or..."
It seemed as though she was having trouble with finishing her sentences. I wanted so badly to encourage her to go on.
"Gwen, I think there's something you and your family need to know," Dr. Harris said, placing a hand on her shoulder.
She stopped searching for her words and stared at his face and slowly nodded. Dr. Harris gestured for us all to take a seat. He walked toward the end of Gwen's bed and leant against it. Taking a deep breath, he started.
"It seems," he began, his head tilting as he thought of what exactly to say, "as though Gwen's chronic myelogenous leukemia... has relapsed."
Denise gasped, covering her mouth. I wiped my forehead and began to cry myself. My mom went towards Denise, crying, and rubbed her back with George. My dad shook his head with his eyes closed.
"The cancer has spread to numerous places and there's an immense increase in her blast cells," he added. "I'm sorry."
The room was filled with quiet cries. I buried my face in my palms, the tears endlessly slipping from my eyes. How could this have happened? It wasn't that long ago when we came back and the test results were great. Why was this happening?
"Dr. Harris?" Gwen croaked.
I lifted my head, noticing Gwen hadn't begun to cry yet. I could tell she was holding them in as best as she could and she was doing a pretty damn good job.
"It won't be long, will it?"
The words left her mouth so easily; I wanted to punch the wall. I wanted so badly to yell at her for asking such a question.
"Gwen, I-"
"Please tell me." she interjected.
He smiled slightly. "I'm not sure yet," he lied.
Gwen didn't ask any more questions though. I think she was still processing the fact, along with all of us, that she was going to die.
...
The next two weeks have gone by so slowly, nothing occurred to me. I'd missed a few days from school here and there. I visited Gwen as much as possible in the hospital as I could. I tried to maintain my homework as well and because of that, I've lost a crazy amount of sleep lately and I'm pretty sure that's messed up my grades.
The bell rang for lunch and before I could leave the classroom, the teacher stopped me.
"Kyle, come here please."
I complied, walking straight to him with my binder under my arm.
"Kyle," he started, going through several papers in his hand. "I've noticed you've been missing a few classes lately. You're work is gradually decreasing in neatness and effort. Is there something going on with you?"
I didn't hesitate in telling him about Gwen. I didn't hesitate in letting him know about my personal life. I didn't want him thinking I was a slacker. I wanted him to know that I'm kind of going through a bad time right now. In a way, I wanted some comfort.
"Yes, there is." I answered.
"Would you like to talk about it?" he asked, leaning back against his desk.
Suddenly, my guard came up.
"You know, Mr. Calloway, usually I wouldn't."
"Then I can assume you're skipping class and not paying attention, yes?"
I grit my teeth. "Look, I just found out my girlfriend's cancer is back and it's not a cancer where she can get treatment anymore." I stated rudely. "I'm not a slacker anymore, Mr. Calloway. She's dying and I can't do anything about it!" I shouted, pointing a finger at him.
I could tell he was taken aback. His face was full of shock as he registered what I was saying.
"Kyle, I'm so-"
I didn't let him finish. I walked towards the door and opened it, but stopped once I noticed Alice with her friends walking passed the door. They froze, taking in my appearance. I could feel tears springing in my eyes.
"Kyle, are you okay?" Alice asked, stepping toward me. She's noticed my sudden difference in behavior and this is the only time she's addressed it. I assumed she was scared I'd get mad at her for asking.
"N-no, I-"
I didn't even finish what I was saying. I raced passed Alice and went to my locker. After dropping my stuff off, I went to the bathroom and wiped my face. I can't cry right now. Not at school. Not right now.
After a few minutes, I went to the cafeteria to have lunch. Everyone was sitting at our usual table. The guys noticed my facial expression and stopped talking.
"Hey, man, you alright?" Dave questioned.
I didn't answer him, but only sat and began eating. They all gave me weird looks and tried including me in the conversations again, although they didn't try as much as they have the last several days. They've started to get used to my attitude. I could feel Noah glance at me from time to time.
When the day nearly ended, I opened my locker and smiled as I saw the picture of Gwen on the side. I couldn't wait to see her. I'd hoped her appearance hadn't gotten any worse for her sake.
"Dude, you gotta tell me what's going on." I heard someone say.
I closed my locker to find Ryan standing against my neighbor's. I lifted my bag to my shoulder and ignored him, walking away from him.
"What, you're just gonna ignore me?" he shouted. I could hear his footsteps stalking behind me. "You've done that enough for the past week, Kyle." He pushed my shoulder, causing me to turn to him and stop. "What's going on, man?"
I thought about what to say. A good excuse, but nothing came up. In fact, it seemed as though I wanted to tell him about Gwen. I wasn't sure how he'd react though.
"Gwen's cancer is back."
His face changed from concern to worry. I looked away, not bearing to see another one of those looks. I got those enough from my parents and my brother. Kory would actually be catching a plane soon to see Gwen. He wasn't sure yet, but he did want to see her before she...
"I-is she going to be okay?"
I hesitated before shaking my head slowly.
Ryan looked at his shoes. "Dude, I had no idea, I-"
"I know."
"No, man, I just-"
"It's okay, Ryan."
We were silent for a moment. He asked another question. Standing up awkwardly, he looked me in the eye.
"How you holdin' up?"
I scratched the top of my head. "I can't stand to be here when she's in the hospital dying. I feel like she needs me, like I need to be there for her."
"Kyle, you're amazing to her."
"It's probably because of New York," I said, staring at a certain spot on the tile floor. "It's because she went to New York, she got sick. It was too much for her."
"Don't, man, don't. You know that's not why."
I didn't say anything.
"A-are you going to see her now?"
I nodded.
"Can I come?"
I jerked my head up to him. Ryan and Gwen hadn't seen each other in a fairly long time. I wasn't sure how she'd react to seeing him.
"S-sure."
...
When Ryan and I walked into the room, Denise and George were sitting in the corner, talking quietly to their daughter.
"Kyle, you're here... and this is..." Denise trailed off.
"Mr. and Mrs. Conrad, this is my friend Ryan. Gwen's met him before," I explained.
"Ryan?" Gwen gasped.
He turned around, catching the sight of Gwen. He slowly walked toward her bed, gulping. I don't think he ever thought he'd see her this way.
"Hi." he breathed.
"Hi."
He slowly bent down to gently hug her. Lately, Gwen's gotten more and more weak. It was scaring the hell out of me like crazy. I felt like I should do something to help her.
"How've you been?" he asked out of habit. "Gah, damn it, I didn't-"
"I've been better," Gwen smiled.
A small smirk flitted across his face.
It was my turn. I stepped toward Gwen and kissed her. Putting a hand against her cheek, I pushed a little harder against her lips, trying to save this moment whether her parents and my friend was in the room or not. Slowly, I pulled away, noticing there was a new bruise forming just above her ear.
"Are you feeling good today?" I whispered.
Gwen nodded. It was so undeniably obvious she was lying, but I enjoyed the fact that she was desperate to keep me happy, to keep me from knowing the pain she was feeling. However, I didn't want her to hide it from me.
I let Ryan talk to Gwen for the time being he hadn't seen her in so long. I sat with George and Denise. Today was the day they'd find out how much time Gwen really has.
"What's the news?" I hesitantly asked George.
He sighed quietly. "Harris said..." he started, "that she has five months left."
I began to rub the back of my neck, attempting to relax.
"Five months at least?" I begged.
He swallowed before answering. "Five months... tops."
I sniffed, the tears already blurring my vision.
"Kyle, we know this is hard for you. It's hard on us too." Denise insisted.
I gulped down the sobs. "I c-can't... live without her, Denise."
It was the first time I'd called her by her first name, yet she didn't really take much notice. Maybe it was because of the condition I was in at the moment.
"She's everything to me." I didn't really care how unmanly I sounded. I didn't care that I was crying in front of Gwen's parents. Everything was falling apart.
"We just have to use the time we have with her wisely."
I inhaled, staying silent. I didn't want Gwen seeing me like this. I wiped my eyes. George put a hand on my shoulder comfortingly.
"You know she loves you, son. She doesn't want you to feel like this."
"She doesn't want you to feel like this either, but look at yourself." I snapped.
He was taken aback for a moment. My eyes softened as I took in his facial expression.
"I'm sorry," I apologized.
"It's all right, Kyle. You're right."
I fiddled with my fingers and decided to not talk anymore. For the rest of the day, George, Denise and I listened to Ryan and Gwen's conversation. Ryan seemed to be having the time of his life with my girlfriend, their conversation never ending. It made me smile to see her the way she was.
When we realized it was getting late, I gave Gwen a kiss goodbye and told her I loved her and that I would be there tomorrow. She nodded. I drove Ryan home and told him I'd pick him up in the morning. I didn't think he should be driving considering the roads were icy like no other.
When I got home, dinner was at the table set and ready. I apologized for being late, my parents excusing me knowing that I was at the hospital. They didn't bring up anything about it, knowing the subject was getting touchier and touchier.
They didn't ask how she was doing, knowing full well that she was doing terrible. They didn't ask if there was any good news because there wouldn't be any. Even though we'd discussed treatment with Dr. Harris, he insisted that it would only put Gwen in more pain than she's already in. The cancer is too far along this time.
I wanted to know how they didn't see this coming. I wanted to know with all the check-ups Gwen was having at the hospital, how on earth did Dr. Harris not see this in the test results? Because apparently, I like to torture myself, I went to Google and looked up CML. It told me that the cancer can relapse anytime. How it relapsed so quickly is the question, and I didn't find anything on it.
Later that night, Kory called. He was careful on what to ask and what not to ask. He then told me he'd be taking time off college this semester to stay with us and that he'd be in before Gwen's birthday which would be great for her. Not only would Kory be here to see her, but Gwen's grandparents and some cousins would also be flying in. It was a surprise that I'm not meant to tell. They were going to be here by her birthday anyway.
I wondered why they never came before to see her, and came to the assumption that money was a problem. It was understandable. I didn't ask much about it. And I didn't think it was any of my business.
I tried doing some homework at 11 p.m. I fell asleep doing geometry. I got an F when I turned it in. I didn't get a single problem right.
...
It was Saturday. A week before February. I'd finished as much work as I could during the week and decided doing the rest tomorrow. Today, I had the entire intention of spending the day with Gwen. It was sunny, a perfect day to do something and unfortunately, she was forced to be stuck in a hospital room just like two years ago watching other people enjoy their lives.
When I walked through the door, no one was inside except for Gwen who was playing on the iPad her parents had bought. It was a family gift I guess but it was mostly used by her.
"Hey." I greeted, walking toward her and planted a kiss on her lips. "How you doin'?"
"I'm okay." she shrugged, tilting the iPad.
She was playing Temple Run. I'd gotten her obsessed with it one day when we got bored at my house. After failing to slip under the tree stump, she let the device fall to her lap. She turned to me slowly.
"I want to go to the park."
I furrowed my eyebrows. "What?"
"I want to go to the park," she repeated.
"Gwen, I-" I tried to tell her that going to the park really isn't a good idea but she wouldn't budge.
"I asked Dr. Harris. He said I can."
I sighed. "Why do you wanna go to the park?"
She thought for a moment. "Remember when we went that one time and gave bread to the ducks?"
I nodded.
"I wanna do that again."
I laughed. "You wanna feed... ducks? That's why?"
She nodded seriously, causing my smile to falter. Without saying anything, I got up and left the room. I searched the doctors, hoping I'd find Dr. Harris. After ten minutes, I found the front desk and leaned over.
"Hey, do you know where Dr. Harris might be?"
"Right here," I heard his voice say.
I turned to see him standing, his eyebrows raised questioningly. Panic began to show on his face.
"Is something wrong with Gwen?" He stepped forward but I quickly blocked his way.
"No, no, I just... Okay, Gwen said she wanted to go to the park and-"
"Oh, yeah, she and I discussed this."
"Is she okay to or..."
"Yeah, go! I'll get a nurse down there to... Does she want to go now? I thought her parents were going to take her?"
"I don't know where Denise and George are so..."
Dr. Harris bit his lip. "Phone her parents to let them know."
I took out my phone and called Denise. She answered in two rings.
"Kyle? Are you at the hospital?"
"Yeah, where are you?"
"George and I are working right now."
"Oh," I glanced at Dr. Harris, his eyes waiting expectantly. "Look, Gwen wants to go the park I guess and Dr. Harris said she's fine to go."
Denise sucked in a quick breath. "Are you... are you taking her?"
I shrugged. "I guess... I don't know, she just wants to go and I don't know when you guys will be back or..."
Denise sighed. "I'm not sure that's a good idea."
"Dr. Harris said it was fine. Just for a few hours."
Denise didn't say anything for a moment before exhaling. "Alright. Just for a few hours."
Then we hung up.
"Okay?" Dr. Harris asked, lifting a thumb up.
I nodded. He turned to the front desk lady who had a phone up to her ear. He told the woman, "Let's get a nurse down in 507." She nodded and responded to whomever over the phone.
...
I got out the wheelchair for Gwen, setting it near her side of the car. After putting on the breaks, I opened her door and helped her out. Over the past few weeks, she's gotten frail, almost delicate. She slowly walked toward the wheelchair. I took out a few blankets and piled them on top of her with the bread in her hands.
She wore a pink beanie and a big scarf. She was probably still freezing, yet she continued to smile. After Gwen was comfortable, we strolled along the pavement next to the lake. The sky was beginning to darken, although it was completely sunny earlier in the day. The clouds began to form and I knew that it would rain on us at some point doing our little field trip.
In about ten minutes, Gwen decided to stop. There was a clatter of ducklings along the side of the lake. Gwen took pieces of the bread and threw them. She reminded me of a small innocent child, just randomly deciding to throw old bread to ducks. It brought a warming smile to my face.
When the bread was half gone, she decided to stop until all the pieces of bread were eaten. Ducks and ducks were coming toward the area, being cautious enough to not be too close to us.
"I've accepted I'm going to die, Kyle." she told me, gazing over the ducks.
I stood behind her, leaning against the chair. I closed my eyes and tried taking deep breaths. I can't cry. Not now.
"You have, too," she said, leaning her head back to see me. "Right?"
I let a tear fall from my left eye. It was too hard to look at her and try to hold it in.
"I can't," I admitted honestly. "I love you too much to let you go."
She swallowed and sat back up. "Isn't it funny?"
I waited.
"Isn't it funny how you were this locked up kid three years ago and now you're open like a book." She took a breath. "I want you to stay like that." She leaned her head back again. "For me."
I stared back down at her.
She smiled. "I love you."
I leant down and kissed her for a long moment. It felt like it would be my last really. I didn't want to pull away. I felt that if I did, she'd disappear so I tried my best to keep it going, but eventually I had to breathe.
When I opened my eyes, she was still there, but this time, she was crying. It broke my heart. I hadn't seen Gwen cry in a while. I never wanted to see it again.
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