HARRY'S POV:
I called the airport in the taxi on the way and booked a flight. I wasn't sure I'd even make it there on time for the flight, but the sooner the better, so I didn't care. I told the taxi driver to drive as fast as possible, and I'd pay for any fines. He laughed, but then he looked in the mirror at my face, and saw I was serious.
I told him I'm a celebrity who needs to go rescue his love.
I Googled myself again, and held the phone up around his head to show him.
He looked at me a few times, then said "ok!" and sped up. He didn't go crazy or anything....besides fines, there would be loss of license and job and stuff if he fvcked up.....
But the way I felt right now, I'd pay his fvcking salary for the rest of his life if needed. I didn't care.
I needed the first damn flight possible to Nashville.
My mum was stunned by my sudden leaving. She threw a bunch of leftovers sloppily into a shopping bag for me, and kissed me and wished me luck.
I ate them as the taxi driver sped down the road.
The traffic in London was gonna be the death of me. But I refused to look at the time on my phone. The driver knew what to do, and there was nothing I could do to change anything.
I pulled out two hundred pounds from my wallet, and dropped it on the front seat next to him.
I said if I make this flight, at 9:14am, there will be 300 more.
He looked at me in the mirror and nodded, and sped up a little more, and looked at his clock on the dashboard.
Ahhhh.....my mum packed me two water bottles.
I chugged both of them down. God, I needed that. I was still horribly hungover.
I love my parents.
I was sad I didn't get to see my dad before I left. He was already at work. I'd call him later and thank him for last night. And let them know if my plan worked or not.
I had no confidence in my plan. It wasn't really a plan, anyway. It was just....I'm going to get to Janel. And I'm going to hold her gently, if I possibly can. If she'll possibly let me. I'm gonna tell her how much SHE loves ME. And how much I love HER. And I'm gonna tell her that even if she hates my guts, and I know that she doesn't, but even if she doesn't want me as her boyfriend, I will still be here with her to take care of her and hold her when it hurts, and that I'll be her shoulder to cry on, and I'll be there as long as she needs me to be, until she either decides to take me back, or tells me she doesn't need me anymore, because she's over me. And I'll tell her that I'll walk away and never turn back if that's what she truly wants. But if she ever changes her mind....I'll come running back that very second. I don't care if it's the year 2070 when she realizes I was faithful. I'll come running back to her.
Anyway, that's my "plan".
I just hope it goes well. And I hope she doesn't just use me to cry on, until she doesn't want me anymore.
I felt so nervous, I could barely eat my mum's food. But I did. I knew I'd need energy once I got to the airport, to run through like a crazy in love guy like in the movies.
I texted Stanley and told him thanks for putting up with him last night, and that I was rushing back to America to win back my girl. Look at me....all optimistic and stuff.
I was sure it would all crash in my face eventually and everything would go wrong.
But I had to try. I couldn't not try anymore. Sitting back and waiting for for wasn't working. I'd regret it the rest of my life if I didn't get proactive NOW.
We made it to the airport. And even though I was late after going through security, they let me on the flight. They actually held it for me a few minutes. The taxi driver was THRILLED when I tossed the rest of the money down on his front seat. When I got on, everyone clapped. But then some people recognized me, and clapped harder, stood, and smiled, and broke out their phones.
"Hey, good night ya had last night, I hear?" someone who had obviously seen my drunken videos.
I nodded and smiled as I found my seat.
I felt weird with no luggage. Whatever I had in my wallet, was all I had. My passport was so crinkled and bent, I'm surprised they accepted it at this point.
The flight was long and boring. And luckily, I had a "I don't know who this is, or why everyone clapped for him" person next to me, who slept most of the flight. I slept a little too. Got rid of my hangover.
Finally, we were landing. I quickly signed some autographs as I stood in line getting off the plane. Managed the fakest, most pathetic smiles ever too, for some selfies. I'd see those pics on the internet someday and remember just how heartbroken and sad I was at that moment. Hopefully by then though, I'll be happy again. With Janel.
A taxi took me to Janel's apartment.
I just hoped she was there.
I didn't have my key on me. I hadn't been there since....I had held her in my arms until the ambulance took her out. Wow. I missed that place. That place was US. It was all us.
And I was heading towards it now.
The driver pulled into the apartment parking lot, and I paid and got out, and stood there.
It was getting dark here. It was after 5pm or something.
I had to collect myself and breathe, and get up the nerve to go in. I stood up against the wall of the building, so she wouldn't see me from her window and escape or something.
And then, I started up the stairs.
JANEL'S POV:
I woke up on the floor in the living room. This seemed to be a recurring thing, waking up on my floor. I was so stiff and so cold. I layed there and shivered, not even feeling the urge to get up to get a blanket off the couch. Or just lay on the couch a little under the blanket. I didn't have much urge to do anything, anymore.
I knew I'd need to eat. Drink. Go to the bathroom. Brush my teeth. Get a shower, perhaps...
But other than all that stuff....there was nothing else to do. Nothing else I wanted to do.
I finally got myself up to do all that stuff.
The pictures scattered all over the floor almost doomed me from my big plans, but I kept going. I put them all face down in a pile under the coffee table. Since I was down on the floor collecting them, that's the first place I thought to put them.
And then I got up.
I got a drink, actually a lot of drink. I drank water out of the faucet for a while, (I was good at that, from being a kid. Luckily, I was too obsessed with missing Harry and being hurt, to even have a flashback. And I guess drinking from a faucet isn't something terrible anyway.) And then I got some orange juice. And a shitty as.s microwave breakfast sandwich that I picked at. I had to eat in little crumbs, or I'd just throw it all right back up.
I left most of it.
I brushed my teeth, and then I meant to get in the shower. I really did. But after I got undressed, I got tired. I got sad. And I lost my will.
So I decided to go lay on the couch, and put the tv on, so I'd have voices in my apartment. And something to stare at, but not see.
I layed down naked, and wrapped myself up in the puffy, warm, soft blanket. It actually felt good against my sad body. It was just a little tiny speck of joy in my world of doom.
And I stared at the tv. I switched the stations a little bit, and landed on The Notebook.
Perfect.
Something to cry to, if I happened to actually SEE what was going on on the screen, instead of seeing whatever heartbreaking crap was going through my mind.
Suddenly I remembered last night, and that Harry had texted me a few times.
I looked at the texts.
Yep. He did. It wasn't a dream.
He said he'd be there for me to help me through this.
But he was all the way in God damned England.
He probably drunk texted me anyway. He was probably lying beside one or all six of those girls when he texted.
I cried profusely through the notebook. I had seen it a few times before. But now, watching love story movies had an entirely new meaning for me. I could picture me and Harry growing old together, dying in bed next to each other. The part where they broke up especially killed me. He found another woman. She almost got married to someone else....It was horrible now, that I knew what love was.
I wished I didn't know what love was. I wished I could still watch the movies, and IMAGINE what the characters felt like. This wasn't fun, KNOWING what they felt in these sad scenes.
But then...they got back together. And they spent the rest of their lives together.
And that's the part that caused me to sob myself to sleep.
I slept for a few hours. It was probably 3pm or so. I didn't know. Didn't care. Time didn't matter in my life. I had nothing. No job. No friends. No....Harry. I had nothing. I simply existed.
Just like before.
But this one year and a half of LIVING, that I'd had.....it was a whirlwind of greatness.
I was glad I'd had that time. But I was also not glad. Because now I KNEW what I was missing. Now I knew how horrible just existing felt. And I honestly didn't know how long I could exist again. Definitely not as long as before. Not nearly. Maybe not past this day. I just didn't know.
But I didn't have any urge to kill myself or anything. As long as my brain kept me scrounging for food, and not giving up when I was gonna die of low blood sugar...as long as it made me crawl on the floor towards orange juice that will keep it functioning, I guess I had some will left to go on. For now, anyway.
Another romantical movie came on, and my mind must not have been able to take anymore torture, so I watched the TV, but didn't see it.
I got to thinking about Harry more. Memories of us. Memories of him. If he really cheated on me or not.
I hadn't gotten anymore strange texts or mail. So, in my mind, the only reason that would stop is because Harry was WITH her now. She didn't need to torture me if she HAD him there. Made sense. Right? Just another reason to believe he actually did it......sigh.
I dozed a little bit, on and off. My day was a blur of tears and going in and out of sleep. That was pretty much my existence. I still hadn't gotten off the couch to get showered or dressed or anything.
Later, my brain told me that to keep existing, I needed more food. A few crumbs, twice a day ain't bad, right? It's enough to keep a person going, I'd found out. Although I felt quite a bit skinnier, and my clothes yesterday felt loose. Could a person lose weight that fast? I didn't know. I didn't know how much I weighed to begin with, so I'd never know. Unless I finally started to look like a stick person.
I drank some water, and got a can of soup. I didn't even heat it. I didn't care. I wasn't eating for the taste of it. I was eating to stay alive. And for what, I didn't fvcking know.
I ate about half the chicken and noodles, and threw the rest away. Drank all the water, though.
Yum. :-/
I was still dozing in and out of sleep a few hours later, when I heard a faint knock at the door. At first, I thought it was someone knocking on the neighbor's door, it was so faint.
But then it knocked again. It was opened. They could come in if they wanted. Harry didn't live here anymore, so it's not like paparazzi or crazy fans would come bursting in. That's the only reason we kept it locked every single second. But now...who cared?
I wasn't in the mood to see Bonnie. And it probably wouldn't be Martin, so really, I didn't care to answer it. I tucked myself in tighter, cause I was too lazy to get up to turn the heat up a little as the night grew colder, and I continued my blurry world of dozing.
And then I heard the door slowly open. Still no one said anything. So I didn't either. I didn't even look up. I knew it was Bonnie. I put down the cover off of my face and waited for her to say something.
She didn't.
"Bonnie, I'm not in the mood for company. Sorry. I'd like to exist alone today, please. Just....pleeeease." I finally whined.
Then a person walked further into the room, where I could see them out of the corner of my eye.
And the first thing I noticed out of that corner eyesight, was lots of hair.
Lots of dark hair. It flashed through my mind that maybe Bonnie had a big hood or hat on.
I looked over, and Harry was standing there in my living room. Looking at me.
He stood awkwardly, with a deer in headlights look on his face. As if he was shocked to see me here. Where the hell else would I be? Bonnie ruined my "I'm not sitting home being pathetic" plan last night, by telling Harry why I went out. So....here I was. Not a shocker.
I stared at him in disbelief for several seconds. My mouth fell open. My eyes widened. And my body sat up on the couch, all by itself. It did remember to keep itself covered, though. I was naked, remember.
"Janel", Harry breathed out, and he rushed over to the couch and knealt at my feet between the coffee table and couch. He bumped against the coffee table with his back, on the way down. I could hear it scrape up his spine as he lowered himself. I cringed, because I bet it hurt. But he didn't even flinch. He didn't take his eyes off of me.
He grabbed my hands, and my throw blanket threatened to fall down below my chest. But it didn't...yet. I had it secured under my arm pits. He held my hands for a few seconds, and looked at them. Felt them all over, and then put them to his face. He held my palms against the side of his cheeks, and closed his eyes and breathed deep and slowly in and out once. I wondered if he was feeling what I was feeling right then. Pure bliss. Electric sparks. Happiness at feeling his touch that I had yearned for, for who even knows how many days.
He opened his eyes, and the tears that were held back by his eyelids being closed, fell loose now.
He whispered "baby", he let our hands fall to my lap, followed by his head on top of them.
He was face down in my lap for a few seconds before I heard the first nasal sob.
I didn't move. I figured I was having a dream. I really, and truly did. I was in and out of sleep so many times today, I didn't even KNOW if I was awake or not at this point. And Harry was in England. And I didn't think he'd just walk in like that, so this was definitely a dream. And as long as it was, I could safely feel him. Love him. Accept him into my arms. Show him all the love I wished I could give him in real life. Because soon I'd wake up, and he'd be gone. I'd be alone. It will have all been a dream. And in reality, he still would have cheated, so I wouldn't want to be near him anyway. But right now.....in my dreams......it was alright.
So I went with it. I didn't speak though. I didn't want to mess up my dream by hearing my own voice.
I only wanted to concentrate on Harry, who was crying into my lap, holding my hands tightly in his.
God, it felt so real. It felt so perfect. So wonderful. It was so realistic. I decided I'd sleep as much as possible from now on, hoping I could dream of Harry all the time. I could be with him, in my dreams, at least.
I stared at his messed up curls, changing colors with the only light in the room, the TV.
I smelled him. I could smell him. His Harry scent. It was sweet and heavenly. A little manly sweaty-ish tinted now, but still pure Harry.
And his hands. Exactly the way I remembered them. Strong, secure, tender and warm.
And still wearing the same clothes I saw him in last. Yep. Definitely a dream.
He lifted his head slowly, and looked up at me, still not letting go of my hands. I looked down at him and a slight smile lifted the edges of my lips. "Best dream ever", I whispered as I looked into his dark green eyes. His eyes looked so dark right now, facing away from the tv. And yet, I could see the sadness in them. They seemed darker than they should have. They seemed sunken in. Outlined below by dark rings. He looked like a Gelfling from the movie "The Dark Crystal", after the Skeksis drained the Gelfling's essence from their body. In my dreams, Harry looked sick with sadness at being away from me. I wish he was in real life.
He looked like sh.it, really.
Some dream! Can't I have my usual, perfect Harry at least? Or was my subconscious trying to tell me how much he was suffering? I don't know. But it broke my heart. He looked so broken.
"Dream?" Harry asked.
I shook my head yes. "Don't talk. I just want to look at you, before you go away." I told him softly.
"I'm not going anywhere, Janel", he said.
"I'll wake up any minute, though. Probably if you kiss me. I always wake up at the good parts." I told him.
He swallowed.
"May I kiss you, Janel? I promise I'll still be here after." he asked.
Oh God.....yes. I could KISS Harry in my dream! Yes Yes YESSS!!!!!!!!!
"Yes, please" I whispered.
Joy instantly spread over his entire face. He knealt up further, and let go of my hands. He put his hands on the sides of my face, and pulled me closer as his head came closer.
My heart sped up. I got goosebumps at the anticipation of Harry's lips touching mine.
I couldn't wait. Even in my dream. I couldn't wait. I lunged my face forward and our lips touched.
And for a moment, everything was perfect in the world.
THIS was gonna hurt when I woke up. I was gonna be a mess when this dream ended.
His soft lips had hardened a little from what I was used to. His lips were chapped and dry. But they still felt like his lips. Still tasted like his lips. He was tender and slow at first. After a minute, we got frantic. We couldn't get enough of each other. Breathing heavily out of our noses, an occasional deep moan from in his throat, and a sigh from mine....we kissed so passionately, our arms wrapped around each other so tightly, it was like either of us would fall of a cliff if we didn't hold tight enough to the other. We were absolutely clinging to one another. He slowly got up from his knees and climbed onto the couch with me, slowly pushing be down against the arm, him sliding on top of me.
His body weight pulled my blanket down from my chest. A few quick breath breaks later during our kiss, his eyes looked down, and back up to mine, then he did a double take. His entire head darted downwards and glanced at my bare chest. He sighed and instantly sounded out of breath. His lips jammed back into mine, with a whole new level of hunger and need. His arms wrapped around my back and he pulled me closer against him.
His hips ground into mine. And mine pushed up into his.
The more he ground his hips into me, the more the blanket slid off of me slowly. It was mostly hanging off the couch now. When it fell totally off of me, I shivered. Wherever Harry wasn't touching me, was cold.
Instinctively, I grabbed his shirt and pulled it over his head and dropped it onto the floor next to us. Ahhhh, his body heat against me. His people heat. His Harry heat.......I lived for it. I lived FROM it.
Sm.ut warning! It's been a few chapters, eh? Starts here...
I reached down and pulled his button and fly apart, not even caring if the button flew off or not. It was just a dream anyway. I pulled so hard and fast, that his zipper unzipped like it was nothing.
I reached over his hips and pulled at his jeans. I got them half way down off his waist, and Harry reached down and pulled them further down, to just below his as.s.
I felt the familiar heated bulge pressing into my stomach.
His hips lowered down as our lips were wrestling, locked together.
His pen.is fell down into the gap between my thighs which were spread just enough. And the head pushed down between my legs, against my entrance.
We were both breathing like we'd run a race. In one solid thrust, he was inside of me causing me to cry out at the sudden, yet blissful invasion.
The muscles of my va.gina held onto him tightly, not wanting him to go anywhere. They clenched against him, for extra security.
He stayed totally still, but pressing as hard as he could into me. There was a sharp pain in the back, but it was good. It meant that we were as tightly as one as we could be.
I gasped and whispered "I miss you so badly, Harry. I love you so much.... Waking up from this is going to kill me." I was talking to myself. I almost didn't expect him to answer back.
But he did. "You ARE awake, baby. I told you I'd still be here if we kissed", he whispered back.
He started moving inside me. The pleasure sensation and sparks of electricity that it caused, made me forget what I was gonna say back.
He barely pulled back. Just enough to be off of the back wall deep inside of me. And then he thrust into the wall again quickly. He kept thrusting quickly and sharply, like little grunting jerks. Barely moving back on the outward thrust, and crashing hard into me on the inward thrust. He continued like this, barely moving his hips up and down, but yet, moving them so focused and hard, the little bit he did move.
He got faster and faster, and started grunting with each sharp quick thrust.
My body began to stiffen up underneath him. I closed my legs almost all the way. This made him feel even tighter inside me. And it rubbed up a little more on the inside top of me.
I pulled his chest into me from his back, and pressed my lips into his neck. He was thrusting faster now, and still as hard. My thighs tightened together between his legs.
He started holding me tighter and stiffer now. His thrusts started to get frantic and off rhythm, too. And his grunts got breathier and louder.
I clenched around him inside of me, tighter and curled my toes, and listened to Harry's sounds. Felt his entire body covering mine. Tasted his mouth as it tasted mine. It was all so hot, I was well on my way to org.asm. And so was he.
As I felt my build up quickly, my mouth bit into Harry's shoulder. Hard.
"Agghhhhh" he blurted out loud. That set off even harder thrusting. And the harder thrusting brought my org.asm to its peak, instantly.
I didn't yell out this time. This time, little throaty but almost silent shouts were forced out of mouth. My groin squeezed around him so tightly, I could actually feel his co.ck start to pulsate inside of me. The pulsations were so fast and explosive, it was like we were both giving each.other a massage at one time. Our genitals feeding off of each.other. His voice was muffled into the pillow behind my head. Deep throaty growling groans, almost like a monster sound blurted into the pillow as he shot his come far into my depths. God, he was pressed so hard into me. "Ilove.......Iloveyou......my God Ilove you. ...don'tever leave...me...again....pleeeease.....I'lldie...without you Janel. Ineededyou...Ineedyou....."
I bit and bit into several different spots across his shoulder, as if I was in pain and biting into a towel to keep from screaming. Maybe I was trying to keep from screaming. Because this org.asm felt so intense and so satisfying, everyone in the apartment would have heard us if we didn't struggle to keep it quiet.
Both of us were wrapped tightly in each other's arms. I could barely breathe he squeezed me so tight into his chest.
End sm.ut scene. Basically. You need to read from here on, so....they're done though, so it's all good.
As my pleasureful throbs grew less intense and further apart, I started hearing what Harry was saying more clearly in my brain now. As I caught my breath, I started thinking that this was too realistic. Too intense. Too factual, to be a dream.
But how would he get here so quickly?
"Mmmmphhhhuuhhh", my thoughts were interrupted by another strong aftershock from deep inside of me.
Could this be real? I barely had any food inside me for days. I barely drank a glass or two of water a day. So my brain wasn't working right, let alone the mental stress I had, missing Harry and having a torn apart heart.
I felt clarity hit me all of a sudden.
As Harry caught his breath against the side of my head, I started to feel weird. I started to panic.
I let go of his back. And my hands pushed around his neck and into my chest, to push him up off of me. It was too real. Too real......no. It can't be.
I pushed him up, and he looked back and forth into both of my eyes, wondering what I was doing.
He looked worried.
I felt worried.
I did NOT just have se.x with Harry. No. Tell me this IS a dream. No. No. NO NONONONO!
"Yes, baby. You did. Why? What's wrong?" Harry said, looking shocked.
I said that outloud? God, I'm losing my fvcking mind.
"No, Janel. You're not. You're just hurting badly. So am I. But I'm here. I told you I'd be here for you. I rushed here to help you...."
I said THAT out loud too?
"Am I dreaming? Or what?" I said, exasperated and sooo confuckingfused. So confused....my brain was totally tricking me. Messing with me. It needed food, I think. I felt almost dizzy now.
"No, Janel. You're NOT dreaming. I promise. I'm HERE. I'm with you" he said sternly, as he held himself up with his arms, over top of me. My hands were both still flat on his chest, keeping him from getting any closer.
I started to breathe heavy and my chin started to shiver. The shivering panic feeling spread down my shoulders, into my arms, and my hands started to shake. My chest tightened and quivered.
Harry got up further now. He pulled his pants back up and zipped up. He pulled my arms up so I was sitting up. I scootched backwards against the arm of the couch and the pillow. Away from him as far as I could go. Realizing my nudity, I found the blanket next to me, and pulled it over my body and curled up into it, bringing my knees into my chest.
I stared at Harry. GOD, I loved this man so intensely. But I couldn't let that get in the way of the fact that he hurt me. He was unfaithful to me. He took my virginity and lied that I was his only one. How stupid was I to think that he could actually go without se.x for a year? My God, I was so foolish.
Harry put his arms out towards me. "Baby...what is wrong? What happened all of a sudden?" he asked in the weakest, saddest voice I could imagine.
"This wasn't supposed to happen. I really thought I was dreaming! I didn't mean for it to happen!" I babbled out in confusion.
"How come you could make love to me in your dreams, but not in real life? I don't understand", he asked.
"Because....it's ok in a dream. I can say what I feel. Do what I want so badly to do....but I can't be hurt. It's not real. It's just what I WISH would happen.....you didn't lie to me in my dreams....." I said, hardly knowing how to explain it.
"So if you WANT it to happen, and it's how you really feel, then.....why not do it in real life?" he asked me sadly.
"Because I can't be with you in real life! Only in my dreams! I don't know, Harry! I can't explain it! You MUST know what I mean!" I said with desperation.
"I DO know what you mean babe! I DO. But I'm trying to get you to realize you should just go with what you FEEL inside! Why fight it? If you love me.....then LOVE ME! Whether you're asleep OR awake!" he said, making a pretty damn good point. Fvck!
"But I DID love you! And you gave your love to someone else, and not only to me!" I stated.
"Babe....why are you the ONLY one who can't see the truth?" Harry asked.
"I can't do this, Harry. I can't. I made a terrible mistake. I'm sorry. I would't have let you even kiss me...." I shuddered, thinking of his kiss when he first knealt down next to me. "I.....what was I saying? Oh. I wouldn't have let you come in if I hadn't been starving and dehydrated and half in sleep and half in a daze of pain. Please leave, Harry. I don't know how you got here so quick, but please go. Don't do this. To yourself, or to me. Now it's going to be even harder, because of what just happened. Now I'll have something fresh to think about...to try and forget....to have to stop from feeling and remembering....now I'm gonna have to go through withdrawal all over again. Do you have any idea how fvcking hard that was to try and get over you and your touch?" I said, stupidly. Of course he knew. I'd heard everything he said on the phone, when he thought he was talking to Bonnie. Crying to Bonnie. Even though it was his own mistake, he still hurt himself too.
"Of COURSE I know how fvcking hard it was....is.....Janel, it's literally KILLING me! It's taking years off of my life, every torturous second! I'm surprised I'm literally not gray haired by now!" he told me.
"Well, then leave, and don't come back. You'll be fine. You WERE fine. I saw it on the internet...." I said, until he started talking over me. "I couldn't sit and wallow in my pain anymore, Janel. I needed to try SOMETHING to take away the pain. So I thought I'd go out. And part of me thought, if I'm doing hard time for this, then why DON'T I do the actual CRIME? And I WISHED I could cheat on you. But every woman I saw at the pub was.....UGLY! They disgusted me! I drank really fast, and some fans called me over to sit at their table. I tried to be nice, but I sucked at it. They took selfies with me, and one asked me to dance because there was a slow song on. I felt bad, not wanting to be mean to my fans. So I said yes. And then one after another, they cut in, so each one had a minute or two of a dance. They must have told someone who knew paparazzi, because when I left, all I saw were blinking lights...and I was soo drunk......Stanley took me back to my parents, and he and my dad carried me upstairs and into bed.
And I woke up to Bonnie's horrible text video. I puked my guts out because of that. It was SOOO hurtful. And now I know exactly what you felt like when YOU saw those fake pictures. It's SOOO painful, Janel. I KNOW!!! I know what you're feeling. What you're thinking. But you HAVE. TO. REALIZE......not a SINGLE SPECK OF IT IS TRUE!" Harry said everything quickly, obviously needing to get it all out to me. I listened. I thought about it. But I still couldn't do this. Every time I'd start to believe him, I'd picture the pictures. The texts. The fact that everything stopped ever since he wasn't with me the past few days.....and I'd snap out of his tricky lines.
"Please leave, Harry. Go to Bonnies. Or a hotel. Just go. I just can't right now. I can't." I told him, starting to cry now.
"I am NOT leaving, Janel. I paid a taxi driver in England 500 pounds to get me to the airport on time, by speeding and driving dangerously, so I could get to you an hour faster. I practically ran out of my parent's house this morning, to come to you. Because I told you last night in a text, that I'd be here for you. I'd take care of you. And even if you DON'T want me, I'd still be here to help you get through the pain. I promise, if you get over me, and feel better, and still don't want me, you can tell me to leave and never come back. But for now, until you either decide to take me back and believe my truth, or you decide you can't be with me anymore....I will be here to help you get through whatever decision you make. And I won't kiss you if you don't want me to. I promise. I hadn't planned on kissing you tonight. I had only planned on holding you. Letting you cry on me. WITH me. About me. Hell...letting you punch me in the face repeatedly for as many times as you wanted to! I'd let you slice me open anywhere on my body, if it meant you would feel better. Because I can't stand to see you suffer. I can't stand to know you're hurting like this. I heard you on the phone last night, when you were first of all, drunk, and drunk people don't lie about their feelings. And second of all, you didn't know I was listening. So you said what you felt. And you said you loved me. So much it hurts. And that you need me. You WANT me. You missed MY lips.....You LOVE me, Janel. You know it, and I know it.
So if you don't want to give in to love, then at least let me give you love. Just until you're better."
"I'll NEVER be better", I mumbled.
Harry continued, "All the more reason to just listen to your heart and love me. By the way, your face is sunken in. You look terrible. Your body is thinner than when I saw you last....you're gonna die if you keep on like this. And I'd have no choice but to follow you into the next world, because I can't live without you. And that would KILL my entire family. It would devastate them for the rest of their lives. And I don't want that for them. Especially all because of NOTHING, Janel! NOTHING!!!" Harry got more impatient at the end of his big speech.
"Well you're not sleeping in my bed." I told him.
And I wrapped the blanket around me tighter, and got off the couch, got a drink of water, and a quick snack, went to the bathroom, and then to bed.
I was pissed off. I can't BELIEVE I did that! I felt like he'd tricked me into sleeping with him. But...he didn't. It was all my mind. My mind tricked me into it! Did I just want him sooo badly, my mind made me an excuse so I'd go through with it? Is that it? Either way.....I wouldn't have done that.....
But GOD, it felt soooo good! I was in heaven. I was soooo happy in his arms again. Kissing his lips again. Even if they were dry and chapped. He probably wasn't eating or drinking any more than me.
He DID look pretty bad, come to think of it. I remembered how sunken in and dark his eyes looked at first tonight.....and now I realized he had a pretty prominent five o'clock shadow going on all around his face. He never not shaves. He was totally unkempt. He smelled of body odor, and he felt lighter on top of me, too. He's just as bad off as me.
And if he says I'm gonna die from this, then...he might, too.
I suddenly realized that I had just downed two glasses of water, and eaten two full granola bars! I didn't eat them crumb by crumb, either. I ate them bite by bite. And I didn't feel like vomiting all over when I was done. AND, I ate the entire things! Having Harry here WAS helping. And if it helped me like this....it would help him too, right? Maybe it was a good idea he had. Just until I heal. I did feel sooo much better having him here.
That was my last thought before I was totally out for the night. Alone. In my actual BED, for the first time in days and days.
HARRY'S POV:
"Well you're not sleeping in my bed", Janel said sternly. I guess she realized it was later at night, and I really didn't have anywhere else to go. She was broken, but she still had a little bit of a heart left. And I'd take whatever tiny shards I could get of it. Hopefully, I'd glue them together with my love, and give them back to her. Slowly, until she had an entire complete, repaired heart. I'm silly, I know. A hopeless romantic, sometimes. Otherwise known as, a pu.ssy.
I sat there quietly crushed to pieces by her chilly demeanor as she stormed out of the room in her blanket. I still can't believe she was naked when I got here tonight...? THAT was surprising. And a turn on. I couldn't believe my jackpot of luck, that I actually got to make love to her tonight! Never in a zillion years, had I even imagined THAT would happen! Even if she regretted every second of it afterwards. Yet, I know she didn't REALLY regret it. Inside. She was just as happy and satisfied as me.
I made love to Janel tonight. I just couldn't wrap my mind around it. I was in her arms. She was in mine. I held her. I kissed her. I tasted her lips. Her mouth. Her love. She loved me. For that little bit of time, she loved me. Out loud. It wasn't a secret. There was no fake hate. No tough exterior and cold attitude. She just simply loved me. And she let me love her. It was more than I could even handle. I was so happy to be that close to her, that I could't let myself slide out of her too far. I just wanted to be connected to her as close as possible. I didn't want to thrust in and out. I just wanted to thrust in more and more and never leave inside of her. But...feelings take over, and you can't help but move to stimulate yourself, and well....yeah. But I found a way to do it AND still stay as far inside of her as possible. And THAT......was an interesting feeling. Holy FVCK. Even SHE org.asmed differently than usual that time. A tear escaped my eye and dropped onto the couch after running down the side of my face. God, I love her so much. And I stood my ground. I didn't give up on her. No matter what she said to me. And I still won't. I can't. I need her, to live. To breathe. To eat. I need her to love.
I layed down on the couch, and turned off the TV and tossed the remote on the floor. I was cold. But that felt 100,000 times better than being in another country, far away from Janel. So I could suffer being cold. That was only physical. That wasn't SHIT compared to what I'd lived through the past...however many days. I lost track. They were all a giant blur of HELL.
I layed there on the cold couch, just thinking. Planning. Scheming. Could I somehow trick her into freely loving me again? Taking my love back? Taking ME back? BELIEVING ME???
I'd go see if the police had anything to say tomorrow. It would be hard though. I'd have to leave her here to go there. Unless she came with me, but she didn't wanna be near me, so....
What if she ran from me? And I couldn't find her? I felt this horrible need to keep her in my sight at all times, now, imagining her trying to escape me.....Not that I wouldn't let her go....I'm not like a creepy kidnapper, trying to own her, or anything. I just......I don't want to be away from her again. It's too painful.
I started to doze off. My entire body felt so much more....settled, now that I was just maybe 15 feet away from Janel. And if that's the closest I could get to her.....it was better than before. I'd take it.
"Please no. Don't leave me. Don't Harry. No. No! Come back. Please......Harry, please.....stay..."
I heard mumbling, but translated it into those words. My eyes blinked open fast. I sat up and listened carefully. Was Janel calling my name? Or was that a dream I just woke up from?
"I love you Harry. Please stay. Please. I need you. I miss you......NOOO!!!!!!" she suddenly screamed that last word. A chill went down my spine after that desperate scream made me jump.
"HARRY!! NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! NO!!!!! PLEEEEEASE!!!!!! Please help me Harry! I can't....!" Janel screamed at the top of her voice from her bedroom. I was already up and running to her.
I burst in the door, and she was holding her pillow in a fist, and pounding the bed with her other fist, while she lunged side to side while a terrible struggle played out in her head. Poor Janel. Did she do this every night since I was gone? Because she rarely ever talked in her sleep or had bad dreams like this. Which had always amazed me, actually, considering her past.
I ran to her bed and sat next to her. I put my hands on her shoulders, and gently shook her to wake her up from the horror that was happening in her head. She struggled in my hands and grabbed them and rolled back and forth fighting the demons inside of her. She screamed my name some more. And told me not to leave her. As if I would, ever again. Stupid dream!
I called her name and gently shook her, and she finally stopped screaming. She was out of breath, and she sat bolt upright and looked around until she found my shadow sitting in front of her, arms still on her shoulders. I hoped I didn't scare her.
I didn't have to worry about that for another second. When I saw the glimmer of her eyes face mine, she lunged at me and pulled me into a hug. She held me like her life depended on it, and cried, leaning her head on my chest. I held her and stroked my fingers through her hair, and kissed her head over and over, telling her I was here, and I wouldn't leave her. I'd stay with her, no matter what. I promised. Eventually her body jerking sobs went away, and after some more quiet minutes, her breathing was exactly like someone sleeping would breathe.
She was still sitting against me, so I gently layed her down onto her pillow. And I climbed into the covers next to her, and ever so gently slid over against her. She rolled over, and I thought for sure, she'd kick me out of the bed. Out of the room. But she didn't. She rolled over right back into my chest.
I slid closer to her, and her head was tucked into my chest, and her knees were pulled up, and mine were spooned down below where her legs were curled up. She was basically curled into a ball. A fetal position. And I wrapped as much as my body around the outside of the ball of Janel as I could. She let out a comforted sounding sigh in her sleep, and I drifted off after her.
It was the BEST night of sleep I'd had in what seemed like forever.
And did I mention...she was still naked? I'd have taken my clothes off too, but I didn't want to piss her off like I apparently did when I made love to her earlier. Sigh.