HARRY'S POV:
I woke up in the middle of the night. I was surprised for only a second when I reached over and Janel wasn't next to me. It had only taken a second to remember that my nightmare was in fact still real. It wasn't a dream like I'd hoped and prayed.
And realizing this, the tears came on strong again, for a few minutes.
How a person could cry this much was beyond me, but a person could.
Sure, I'd cried a lot like this when I lost my first love.
But this....this was sooo much worse.
After my tears stopped coming out, I picked up my phone and went through all the missed calls and texts I'd ignored the past day. Most of them were from Stanley. He was concerned. I'd forgotten I was supposed to keep him posted. I'm sure he understood why I didn't.
I was pretty sure it was morning in England, so I texted him back.
"She's ok. Not sure if she's still in the hospital or not, but she's probably out or getting out this morning. They never found any medicine in her as of the last time I heard. She won't let me explain. She won't let me near her. I had to sneak into her room just to see her. And she kicked me out. I want to die." is what I texted Stan.
Then I hit send, and dropped my phone on the bed, and layed there, not knowing what to do.
I fell back asleep eventually, and woke in the morning.
Stanley had texted back that he was getting the first flight he could, and he'd be here today.
That was hours ago, so he was probably in the air already.
I was glad I'd have someone with me. Because my first thought when I'd woken up was that I should just give up. I didn't decide anything past "give up". I just wanted to....give up. Whatever that meant.
Give up trying to convince Janel? Give up on life? I didn't know.
I didn't have the strength to know.
Stanley called me just then. Could he be here already?
I answered in a horrible, groggy, hoarse voice.
"Mate, ya sound terrible. Listen, I couldn't find an available flight today. But I can get one tomorrow. I just wanted to check in and make sure ya wanted me to come. Or did ya think you'd maybe get Janel back by then?" Stanley said on the phone.
"Dammit. I thought maybe you were here or in the air already. I was glad you were coming, because I'm not good, Stan. I'm not good at all..." I started tearing up. You know how when you're sad, and you actually start talking to someone, it makes you cry automatically? Like, "ahhh....finally someone to cry to." Well, that's what happened. Even though I had Bonnie to cry to. And she was on my side....I didn't know her like I knew my own friends. My manager, even. He was my best friend the past 5 years. You don't spend nearly 24/7 with someone for all that time, and NOT become bff's.
Even though he's in his 40's....we were tight mates.
Stan didn't say anything. He knew me, and he'd seen me in ultimate heartbreak before. He knew there was nothing he could say to make me feel better, so he knew to just listen to me.
I didn't feel like giving him a big speech, though.
The only thing that wanted to come out was "I love her, man. I fvcking love her more than anything in my life. I love her more than my life. I can't do this. I can't...." I cried into the phone, to poor Stanley who had to listen to all of this crap again. I suck at love. Love sucks. Fvck love. I'm done.
I'm staying away from women from now on. If I get horn.y and one of them wants to fvck, then great.
But other than that...I'm not going on a date, or anything. I'm so fvcking done. I can't take this again. And it's soooo much worse than last time.....
"I'm sorry lad" Stanley said softly. "You know I wish there was something I could do for ya."
I wanted to say "I know", but all that came out was a sobby sniffle.
"How could she give up on me this easily? I mean....I know. I know. I know. I did it to her. That party. I know. I get it. When the evidence is right there in your face, there's no questioning it. I get it. I get it." I babbled on and on, sounding scattered and confused.
"Do you want me to call her? I can try and talk some sense into her." Stanley offered.
"You can try. But you're not gonna get anywhere. No one can. Bonnie tried. I tried.......WHY is someone doing this to me? I just don't get it." I responded.
"I dunno mate. People are fvcked up. Evil. Jealous. They don't see the repercussions of their actions. They only see what they want, and that's it. I'll try talking to Janel, laddy. If she calls you, it worked. If not....." Stan said.
"Thanks mate." I said, and I dropped the phone next to my ear, knowing it would turn off when he hung up.
And I laid there for hours. Having to pee really badly. But not caring enough to get up. I even considered just peeing as I layed there. Who would care? Certainly not ME, that's for sure.
But I figured I'd spare the hotel and NOT pee their bed.
Without thinking I got up and got my wallet and phone, and called a taxi and went to the airport.
I got on a flight home, and got a taxi to my parent's house.
By that evening, just after dinner time, I was home. And as much as it felt better to be there, it didn't make me feel any better. But I needed my mum and dad. I needed to be home.
They were shocked when I walked in. They were watching tv in the living room.
They were excited when they first saw me, but then they noticed the look on my face as I stood wearily in the doorway, and they got quiet. My mum rushed over to me and hugged me and gave me a kiss on the cheek, and pulled me over to the couch and sat me down and sat down next to me.
"My baby boy....tell me everything. Let it out baby. I'm here. We're here, Harry."
And that was all I needed. That was what I came a thousand miles for. For exactly what she just said and did.
And I cried on my mum's shoulder. I cried and cried and cried.
Even my dad got up and came over and sat behind me and patted my back, and kept his hand there on my back through all my sobs and heaves and "I love her's", just to let me know he was there.
Finally after what seemed forever, my dad went and got me a drink of water, and my mum just stayed there on the couch waiting for whatever I'd do or say next.
So I started talking.
I told her about the calls, the texts, the nasty pictures, the envelope of pictures, the pictures I hadn't seen yet. I told her about Janel fainting. And the hospital. And me sneaking in to see her, and her kicking me out. I told her that Janel was hurting horribly, I could tell, but she just wouldn't let me take away her pain.
My mum was mamma bear pissed that someone would do that to us. To her son, let alone. But to me and Janel. The perfect couple. The one woman that she liked best for me, of all my other girlfriends.
She comforted me and asked questions, trying to get the story straight in her head, and trying to see if there could be anything I was missing, to convince Janel I was innocent. She wracked her brain. My dad also tried to wrack his brain.
All they could come up with is that if Janel truly knew and trusted how much I loved her, she'd figure it out, without any evidence, and I just had to give her some time.
I wasn't happy with that conclusion.
Time HURT. Every second without Janel HURT me. It was physically painful. My arms ached to have her in them. My lips ached for her kiss. My nose even begged for her scent. And Mini me...I think he died. I hadn't even woken up with a fvcking piss hard on this morning. I'd forgotten I'd had a di.ck.
"I have to tell you guys about Janel. I haven't told you yet, because I wanted you guys to love her like I love her, and without any prejudgements getting in your way." I finally said.
"Uh oh...don't tell me she's an addict or criminal or something" my mum said.
"No. Nothing like that. She's fine. Don't worry. It's not bad. It's just....different." I told them quickly, not wanting them to think anything less of her...even though they'd probably never see her again, ever. Which gave a painful shudder through my spine and into my body when I thought of that fact.
My mum actually reached over for a throw blanket for me, I shuddered so hard.
So wrapped under the throw blanket, with my mum and dad surrounding me on the couch, I told the entire story of Janel. From the second I saw her in the street, until yesterday.
I told them everything about her. I was going to anyway, at some point. But now was just the first perfect opportunity. And reliving her and our story, just talking about her at all, felt good.
They were shocked at some of the stories I told them, that Janel had told me. They teared up about her long lost dog friend, who most likely kept her alive through that winter alone in the woods and cabin. Well, my dad teared up. My mum cried. That's just a sad as.s story, that one. I remembered how it got me, back when she told me about it. When my mum recovered, I went on with more intricate stories all about Janel's life before and after me and all of the things we'd done together since I met her.
I even told them about our second trip to England, which they knew all about, because we stayed here, but they didn't know the story of our wonderful day and night at my own house.
My mum was shocked. She didn't understand why I'd spend the night there, when she'd thought there was no bed there, and she'd figured we'd probably "get busy" as she put it, in my room that night if we'd have come home. So now, she understood why we stayed at the empty house. Ahhhhh. "My boy's a true romantic!" she beamed with pride to my dad, who smiled and lifted his eyebrows with pride. "We've taught him well, we have!" he told my mum. "A thoughtful young lad. Always thinkin', he is."
Oh, and my mum had teary eyes when I told her how wonderful the day had been at my house, and how we watched the sun set from the barn loft, and the Italian food we ordered, and ate by candle light on the floor, and "the actual business we got down to was the best experience of my entire life".
My dad joked that I was near possibly the height of my career, and I purposely gave up se.x for an entire year....I MUST be in love!"
I laughed, but then I had to stop and bite my lip and try to hold back tears that suddenly came to the surface of my eyes.
"Sorry son...carry on....you can do it." my dad encouraged, to stop my tears.
I told them everything else I could think of from the past year and a half.
And how someone, fvcked everything up. They fvcked the rest of my entire life up. They fvcked up Janel's entire life. And if they ever got a call from jail, it will be because I found out who the person is that did this to us.
They understood. They weren't happy about it, and told me they'd better NOT get a call from jail, because they'll be sad, but Janel will be alone then, and this person would have truly won in the end, by keeping us both apart.
Good point.
Only my parents could make me realize that one. Hmmm. I hoped I'd be able to control myself if I ever did find the person. Sh.it. I had a long, slow torture death all planned out in my head. Sick, I know. But they were causing ME a long, slow torture death, so? Fvck 'em.
My mum got up to make me a dinner from the week's leftovers. And my dad tried to give me some fatherly advice. He told me to remember last time this happened to me, and he remembers it well, how devastated I was, and even though this time is much deeper and more meaningful and he can tell how much more I love Janel than my first love, and part of that is because I've grown up since then....but everything WILL be ok in the end. With, OR without Janel. He reminded me that several times. Not to give up. Because even at my darkest hour, which I felt was right about NOW, things WOULD get better sooner, or even later. But they WOULD get better in the end. So not to do anything stupid, and just keep on going, till I get through it. No matter what the outcome.
And he concluded with a long, strong hug, and an "I love you son."
And then I went in and started picking at the dinner my mum heated up. I didn't have an appetite, but as I picked, my body took over, and decided "FOOOOOOD!!!!!! It's been TWO DAYS!!!!" and I ended up devouring the entire plate she made. That was the ONLY thing that had felt a SLIGHT bit GOOD, in the entire past two lonnnnnng days from hell. That plate of food.
But even that couldn't make my pain go away. Not even take the edge off.
It was almost as if that food gave me more energy to be more sad!
Not good.
My mum came in to check on me, and I was standing at the sink garbage disposal, with my plate in hand, trying to scrape the scraps in, only I ended up bent down, leaning over the sink, balanced on the front of the sink edge by my elbows, plate hanging from my hand, half in the running water, head tilted down, crying again.
I couldn't fvcking do this! I couldn't take this pain! And longing! Longing for Janel to be with me. And it had hit me just a second ago, just how far away I was at this very second, from Janel. And how the fvck did I get here? What if she realized I didn't cheat on her, and tried to find me? And I'm in fvcking ENGLAND, and she's in America!?
My mum came and stood behind me, and rubbed my back as I sobbed and yelped more. What a pathetic sight I must have been. I had everything in the world anyone could possibly want. I had a loving family. Great friends. More money than I could have ever imagined. Musical ability that important musical people respected and gravitated towards. I had fvcking FAME. Fortune. Family. Friends. The four fvcking "F's", for God's sakes!
But all I wanted, was that ONE "L".
Love.
And I just wanted love with Janel.