The next morning she awoke to Jack moving around the room as he dressed for the day, and for just a second it was as it used to be, but the second didn't last as the previous night's details flooded her memory. Jack had held her for a long time after she had finished crying before he had picked her up, as he would a child, and carried her up to bed tucking her in and sitting with her until she fell asleep.
Now in broad daylight she should be embarrassed, it was the exact situation that she had fought being in for over seven years, but she wasn't. She actually felt lighter than she had in a long time.
Jack looked over at her noting that she was awake. "I didn't mean to wake you."
He stood in front of the mirror hanging on the closet door, buttoning his shirt and cuffs.
"Where did you sleep last night?" she asked, sitting up and yawning.
"Right next to you. You were out cold and didn't move when I finally came to bed." He reached for a tie.
"Did you all get something to eat last night?"
Jack smiled. "We managed."
Rachel watched as he continued to dress, questions about Nancy chasing through her head. Had Nancy ever watched him dress, had he ever comforted Nancy or carried Nancy to bed? Jack must have been watching her expressions because he stopped and moved to sit in the chair next to the bed. "What's up Ray?"
"Please don't sit there." She insisted quickly her mind going back quickly to the last time they had been right where they were now. He must have understood because a pained expression crossed his face before he rose and sat at the end of the bed.
"Talk to me Ray."
"Ava says you're a dumbass." She leaned back against the headboard watching him as he laughed and the dimple appeared. His easy smile, dress shirt, and tie made him seem very much like the Jack she used to know.
"That I am, but I doubt that's the reason for the pained expression that keeps crossing your face." He watched her as she deliberated how much she should say. "Please Ray, just be direct and honest, we're not going to end up any worse off than we already are that's for damn sure." He reached for her hand and squeezed it.
Nodding, she took a deep breath. "Nancy arrived a few days ago and she was under the impression that she would be staying here. It was evident that you hadn't told her about us, and when I tried to tell her Ava stopped me then dragged Nancy off to stay at her place."
"Then she called me a dumbass."
"Yes, but..."
"But?"
Rachel started to chew on her bottom lip. To say the rest would reveal that she was jealous and upset, and she was so used to guarding those emotions that she didn't know how not to.
"But? Rachel," Jack reached up and pulled her lip out of her teeth.
"Before she left she informed me that I was in your room, and that I would have to move my stuff before you returned." She swallowed hard. "How does she know which room is yours, and why does she feel comfortable enough to be in here when no one else is around?"
Jack sighed, looking weary as he rand his hand down his face. "I told you there was nothing between Nancy and I, why are you having such a hard time believing it?"
"Nothing between you, doesn't mean you haven't slept together. She knows which room is yours, that and the fact that she recognized my stuff as being foreign means that she has been in here long enough to get a good look. Excuse me if that puts doubts in my head."
Jack turned towards her, his expression suddenly fierce as he took her face in his hands. "I have not made love, slept with, or had sex with any woman but you since the day we married. Is that clear enough Rachel?"
Rachel's eyes grew wide, and then relief suddenly filled her heart as the jealously lifted. "Neither have I." She smiled through happy tears as Jack took a deep breath and rested his forehead against hers.
"But why Jack? You can't tell me there haven't been opportunities for you to do so." She sat back and looked at him, searching his face for an answer.
"I took my vows seriously Rachel," he paused and looked down at their intertwined hands where they rested on the bed before he looked back up at her. "If I'm totally honest, I've not wanted any other woman but you since your father's 65th birthday party."
"But Jack that was when I got home from school, you never hinted, you never said a word, you didn't even ask me out?"
"How could I Rachel? You were your father's daughter. I loved and respected your father, he was my mentor, my confidant, he knew just how..." he stopped looking at the window as his thoughts raced elsewhere, "my third tour was hard, your father knew all of my sins, all of my failings, he is who I would go to when life got hard and he would listen and pull me back from the edge. When he assured me everything would be alright I believed him."
Jack was silent for a long time as he gazed vacantly out the window, "I am not someone I would want for my daughter. My demons are sometimes too strong. I couldn't believe for an instant that your father would want someone like me as your suitor, I'm 13 years older, damaged by war, and so far gone from what I once was, and I couldn't believe that you, who are so beautiful, kind, funny and innocent would want someone like me either."
"When I walked into that party my eyes immediately went to you, but I had to hide it. I had to keep your father from seeing the truth for fear he would no longer accept me in your family circle. You were so lovely, I thought just a kiss, just a small taste." He reached up and ran his thumb across her lip.
Rachel closed her eyes at the gentle touch. "I have always been in love with you Jack you are all I've ever wanted. I thought that four years at school would make my feelings less strong, maybe I would meet someone and they would help me get over the fact that I loved you and you didn't love me, but no one ever came close."
He nodded suddenly smiling. "You were a cute kid, but I didn't see you as a woman until the Christmas just before you came home for good. I had been given leave and was eager to be home and to see your father. He was throwing a Christmas party, I remember all of the lights coming from the house and thinking how good it was to be home. Then I looked up and saw you standing by the Christmas tree, laughing at something some young guy was saying, and it was like a punch in the gut. You weren't a girl anymore, and the way that young guy kept looking at you made me want to hit him."
Rachel tried her best to remember the party and the guy but she couldn't. The idea that Jack had been standing outside watching her gave her a little thrill. "I don't remember the Christmas party, but I do remember father's birthday party, and I remember that kiss, the first kiss you ever gave me. It must have just lasted a few seconds but it felt like eternity, and I felt my whole world change. When Dad called me a week later to tell me that you were going to take me to Ava's party I was excited and nauseous all at the same time. I had so wanted to make a dramatic entrance and have you see me as a woman and not a child, but those darn bunny slippers..."
Jack laughed as he pulled her to him and she rested her head on his shoulder listening to her heart beat. "Thank God for those bunny slippers. I was worried about how I was going to stay sane being so close to you all night, but when I finally pulled you close I didn't want to let go so I didn't."
They were silent both lost in their own memories.
But his words weren't the ones she wanted to hear. He had said he wanted her but not that he had loved her. "Jack." She whispered her voice trembling with fear as she sat up and looked at him. Her heart was rushing and he stomach was somersaulting. "You've said you wanted me but do you love me?" her voice broke on the last word.
"Oh, Rachel, you have no idea how much. When I look at you I see all my hopes and dreams, without you they don't exist." He held her close kissing her hard, but she pulled away. If he started that they wouldn't finish their conversation and they were so close having it all.
She rose on trembling legs and walked to the chair he had tried to sit in earlier, sinking onto it she took a deep breath. "Then why did you leave Jack? Why did you go and not contact me for five years? Why did you arrange for me to come to Africa? Why these games?"
He ran his hand through his hair. "Because I'm a dumbass."
Rachel gave a ghost of a smile, but it wasn't what she wanted to hear.
"Your father knew I loved you, he made me admit it to him after he told me he was dying."
Rachel couldn't help the little cry that escaped. "He made me admit the same thing too."
Jack closed his eyes. "To bad he didn't have us together when he wrung our admissions from us, that would have made things easier."
"Dad always knew I was in love with you. I would catch him smiling at me as I watched you sometimes." She blushed when Jack looked at her with a raised eyebrow.
"You'll have to tell me more about that later. I don't doubt that he knew even before I did that I was in love with you, knowing the old man he probably arranged the whole thing by sheer will." Jack smiled at the thought of her father's tenacity.
"Like our marriage," Rachel agreed sadly.
"I told your father that there was no way you would ever agree, but he just smiled and said 'ask her'. When you showed up at my office and the time came, I decide that if I made it about your father and not about me or you that you would say yes. All I had to do after that was hope and wait that in time you could learn to love me, but when you cried I had my doubts that you ever would. I concluded that since I had your agreement I had to at least try."
"Jack, I cried because my dreams of you going down on one knee with a ring, words of love, and swoon worthy kisses was never going to happen. Instead I got a 'let's do it for your father,' I also believed that my father had used guilt to convince you to marry me, and I didn't want you to hate me for that."
Jack took a deep breath "If you believed that I didn't really want the marriage, why did you make it a real marriage? Why did you make love to me?"
"Because I loved you, and when I kissed you I could be honest in the way I felt. I never had to hide my love from you when we made love."
"Neither did I." He looked at her and the shared memories of their kisses and when they had been honest with each other was heavy between them. Now those times meant so much more and they both knew that they would mean so much more in in the years to come.
"Why did you leave Jack?"
"I, like you, had convinced myself that you had married me out of guilt, and that if I truly loved you I should let you go. You deserved to find love and some happiness after everything you went through with your father. You seemed to be sad, but not distraught, so I thought, for my heart's sake, a quick break would be best. I chose Africa because I wanted to go as far away as I could so that I wouldn't be tempted to knock on your door again" He moved to kneel down in front of her. "But I kept track of you Ray, I knew where you were and what you were doing, and after five years when you were still single and hadn't asked for a divorce, I thought I could convince you to come back to me. When I saw you sitting in that classroom and you broke that pencil I lost my nerve. You didn't seem pleased to see me at all."
"It was my worst nightmare and my best dream all in one," Rachel said softly, remembering how it had felt to see him again after five years.
"I can never apologize enough for what I did to you. I was selfish, and you didn't seem like you needed me, so I left. I never thought of you being alone, of having no one." His voice cracked on the last word. As he rested his forehead on her hands which were folded in her lap. "I wish that I could do it all again. Can you forgive me?"
"I love you Jack, I always have and I always will, so of course I forgive you."
He released a shaky sigh, as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.
Just then there was a knock at the door.
"Come in." Rachel looked at Jack and smiled. They would figure the rest out eventually, the important thing was that he loved her and she was secure in that knowledge for the first time. "I don't promise not to give you a hard time though," She said as Ava walked into the room.
"Gracious child, why are you still wearing yesterday's clothes?" she asked, taking in Jack's form as he knelt before her.
Jack rose and went back to the closet to get his suit jacket.
"Jack was just about to tell me how Nancy knows which room is his," Rachel said, watching Jack pause as he reached for his suit jacket, he shook his head then looked over at her with a smile.
"I offered to let Nancy stay here when she came back to visit. My guess is, like most women, she did some snooping and figured out by way of reasonable deduction that this was my room." He put the jacket on and looked over at Ava. "I don't know which room she stayed in, I never thought to ask."
"How did she not notice Rachel's clothes in the closet? Or the photos on the mantle downstairs?" Ava asked accusingly.
"I put the photos away when Ray left, but I had Sue take them out when I knew she was coming home. They hurt too much to look at when I was here on my own."
Rachel cleared her throat understanding completely, "I keep my clothes in another room. Jack's wardrobe was too large to share a closet."
"Haha," Jack said as he move to the dresser and put on his watch. Rachel's heart stopped as she noticed he reached for his ring and slid that onto his finger as well. He looked up and his gaze caught hers in the mirror and for the first time neither one of them tried to hide their love. Rachel's heart filled to the point that she thought it was going to burst.
Half an hour later Rachel was dressed and on her way downstairs. She paused outside the dining room as she heard Jack's laugh fill the house. It was so good to hear his laugh again. With a smile she entered the room and went over to the side board, where Sue had laid out breakfast, poured herself a cup of coffee, and made a plate of food while letting the easy conversation float around her.
"Where's Nancy." Rachel asked when she sat at the table next to Addie.
"She said something about a few meetings and left early this morning," Ava said as she sipped her coffee. "Jack the woman is crazy, and you have to get her out of my house."
Jack smiled at Ava's diagnosis. "I'll take care of it Ava."
"And will you tell her you're married at the same time?"
"Yes, Ava, I will," Jack said as he lifted his mug of coffee to his lips. She watched his hand as it held the mug, it was the hand that wore her ring and she loved seeing that little sliver of gold on his finger that staked her claim on him.
She looked up at his eyes which were watching her, he knew what she was thinking and she suddenly remembered how he had reacted to seeing her wear his rings that night in Africa, and how upset he had been when she tried to give them back to her.
Sensing a tense moment Ava spoke up. "I had a visit from your father in a dream last night."
Rachel smiled at the thought of her father. A true smile. "And what did Dad have to say?" she asked leaning back into her chair.
"That there will be a baby shortly and that you will name it Ava." She rose from the table after her great announcement.
"I don't know what you mean by shortly, but unless there was an immaculate conception there's not going to be a baby anytime soon," Jack said straight faced.
"Damnit Jack! Now I owe Ava fifty bucks!" Addie said, looking put out. "I told her that there was no way she could find out if you two had really made up last night or not. Don't you keep your personal life personal?"
Jack smiled, "I tried but with so many nosy woman around what's a man to do? Are you ready Ava?" He sat his mug down and moved to join Ava at the door.
"You have your list Rachel?" Ava asked checking her phone.
"Yes, Aunt Ava."
"Good, I'm spending the morning with Jack. I'll introduce him to a few new people in town, and we'll catch up with you later." Ava was already out the door before she finished her sentence.
"Hey, Jack." Addie looked over her shoulder. "Can I be there when you tell Nancy you're married?"
Rachel bit back a laugh as she looked at Jack. "We'll see, Addie," he said, and just as he used to do, he dropped a quick kiss on Rachel's lips.
"Oh that was nice," Addie said leaning back in her chair and eyeing Rachel. "Did you two figure it out finally?"
"Yes." Rachel smiled. She didn't want to talk about it just yet. It was to new, the idea of Jack loving her and wanting her. It hadn't sunk in yet. "Are you with Paul today or are you with me?"
Addie, the best friend ever, sensed her wish not to talk about it and gulped her last bit of coffee. "I'm with you."