Where my coping involved a few days to myself, Luke's coping involved the opposite. If we weren't talking on the phone we were texting. It wasn't even anything. No actual conversations. It was mainly just me ranting and talking about my day which was starting to get old.
I was running out of things to tell him. My days are boring and filled with classes and studying and having to type out long essays. It was nothing you could talk about for three hours. Which wasn't even that long for us.
One night we stayed up watching a whale documentary on Travel Channel and Luke didn't even say a single word. I was wearing thin and his lack of communication was starting to worry me some.
Late at night is usually when he gets personal stories out of me. Like the story about how I fell out of a tree once and broke my arm. Or the phase I went through in elementary school of being some boys ice cream sugar mama because I had a crush on him - this story was a personal favorite of his.
One night I even tell him about my mom and dad's divorce and how I hardly remembered much about their happiness. He wasn't a bad dad though, I told him this. He may have not gotten along with my mom much but he was always there for me which was something irreplaceable.
I tell him about the day we found out he'd been in an accident. How all I kept thinking the whole ride home after he'd been pronounced dead and we'd left the hospital was that he was going to miss my dance recital.
Even then I just get a quiet sorry from the blonde boy. I guess there really wasn't much you could say to someone after they tell you something like that. Still, I go on each day, telling him something new.
Today's different though. Today he starts the conversation.
"Your voice." He says simply as if we had been chatting the whole time.
Which wasn't case. In fact, we hadn't even said a single word to each other up until now. Not even a hello. He called, I answered, set my phone down and continued cramming for an exam.
"Hm?" I don't really hear him, far too caught up in the words on the pages I was flipping through.
"You asked me the other day why I call if I don't even say anything," he explains.
It was a sleepy question that was punctuated with a yawn a few nights ago when he had me up especially late.
"I remember," I nod, scribbling down hardly readable notes.
"I like your voice. It's soothing," he says idly.
"Thank you?" I pretend not to notice the warmth of my cheeks.
"Things just make sense when you're talking you know?"
"I mean, I am right 100% of the time." I tease.
"No. Not that. You just...I don't know," he sighs completely missing my lighthearted tone.
"Well this is the most you've spoken all week," I think out loud.
"Yeah, I uh, I guess it is," he replies.
"Does this mean you're ready to talk about it?" I ask offhanded and not completely serious because I've asked multiple times before and it gets me absolutely nowhere.
"...I keep thinking about you at a show."
It takes me a second but when his words finally hit my ears I have to actually pause everything and take a breath.
"Yeah? I thought I wouldn't be allowed at one one of your shows."
"What? Of course you'd be allowed." He sounds slightly offended that I would even think otherwise.
"Well I thought since you didn't want me knowing or listening to your music you wouldn't want me at one of your shows," I reason in a leveled tone like he's a deer I don't want to frighten off.
"It's not that I didn't want you to listen or know me, I was just worried." It was the first explanation - or start to an explanation - that he'd given me in days.
"Worried?" I set my pen down and glance around the coffee shop.
"I just don't want you to get pulled into a light you didn't ask for."
"What are you on about?"
"The minute we meet you'll have people knowing things about you that you didn't even know or remember. I guess I just don't want to scare you off."
My heart flutters.
"Luke," I sigh. "I'm not going anywhere. I promise."
"That's easy to say now but you're a girl, they'll eat you alive. Even if we are just friends."
No there wasn't just a sledgehammer pounded against my chest right now.
"I'm a big girl Lucas. I can handle myself." I cringe at the way my voice comes out so hard.
"What? I know that," he replies clearly catching my tone. "But that doesn't make me worry any less."
"Look. The balls in your court Lu. I'm game if you're game. Simple as that. I can't force you into being my friend and I also can't spend everyday on the phone with you so you make up your mind and get back to me."
"Wait, I'm confused. Did I miss something?" His innocent tone comes through my headphones.
"You say you want to be friends but half the time I'm just sitting on the phone talking to myself. I thought I was helping but maybe I'm not. Maybe you just need time on your own to figure out what you want to do."
As the words come out I realize I'm not just talking out of my ass and it actually kind of makes sense. Still my tone doesn't get any lighter.
"P, I-"
"It's your life Luke. Your fame. Your decision. If you don't want to be friends - for whatever reason that maybe, then just tell me."
"P, that's not what-"
"I have to go Luke. No I'm not going to answer your calls. No I'm not going to answer your texts. Sit down and think about what you want because I for one am running out of things to distract you with."
"Penelope," he sighs, frustrated.
"No. We're not speaking for 24 hours. Use that time to let things process and think about where you want to go from here."
"Just promise you're not mad?" He rushes probably afraid I'll hang up before he can get a word out.
I sigh. "No Luke. I'm not mad. I just wish things could go back to normal already," I frown.
He stays quiet.
"24 hours. If you need more time let me know," I add after a minute.
"What if I decide before then?" He whines.
"24 hours at the least."
"But-"
"You're only pushing the time further, 24 hours doesn't start until you hang up. And if you call or text before then, the time restarts."
"P, that's not fair," he pouts.
"It's totally fair. And it's for your own good."
"Fine. But I'm not gonna like it." He says like an actual toddler.
"Goodbye Luke," I roll my eyes.
"Bye," he grumbles.
-
24 hours feels like weeks. Months. Years even. I don't know why I set this stupid plan up but I was regretting it unbelievably. I guess I hadn't realized how much the calls were helping/becoming apart of my daily routine.
The thing is, I wasn't just missing the calls. I was missing him. I was missing the way his giggle never failed to leave me tingling inside and his annoying accent in my ear telling me about how he'd disappear one day to become the guy that films for documentaries.
I miss the banter that would go along with it all.
"Will you stop moping, you know he's going to call," Sean rolls his eyes. I met him for lunch at the bookstore but my mind was all over the place - and rightfully so I think.
"I'm not moping. And you don't know that." He didn't. No one did. No one but Luke. "P, he-" He cuts himself off with the daggers I send him. "Okay. Not my nickname. Sorry," he holds his hands up in surrender. "Penelope," he makes a show of correcting himself. "He calls you all the time. You guys are weirdly needy of each other."
I cross my arms and sulk. We are not needy of each other. We go days without talking all the time. Okay. Maybe not full days. But hours. Long hours. And it's not like we need to talk to the other. It's just nice to. It's no different than with any of my other friends.
We are not needy.
"Don't give me that look. It hasn't even been 24 hours and you're already ready to implode," Sean points out. "Am not," I sneer at him. "Oh please. You've been ready to burst since you hung up yesterday."
Maybe there was a little tiny truth to this but he was making it sound more dramatic than it was. I was fine. Really. Fine.
"Sorry I'm worried I might lose a friend." Which really was my main concern in all this. "You're so dramatic," he rolls his eyes with a huff.
Dramatic or not, I was terrified my phone was never going to ring again. Yes we talked a lot and okay sure maybe we've grown quite close but that doesn't mean anything. I'm not safe here. Our friendship isn't safe.
"I'm not dramatic. You don't know him. You didn't hear how he sounded when I told him I knew," I frown. "And how did he sound?" Sean humors me. "...Like we might not be friends anymore." "El, you're just worrying. I know this is new to you because you don't have a soul but this is what worrying and caring feels like," Sean muses.
He's teasing but he might actually be onto something. When it comes to these things or anything really, I'm not usually one who dwells on stuff too much.
I was the kid who asked if you wanted to play tag after your dog just died, I was the one who shrugged and genuinely didn't mind when plans were canceled, I was the annoying person in class who didn't have a single worry before a big test.
Once Sean called me during my early classes on the verge of tears because Haley hadn't been home in two days. In hindsight I didn't know what was worst, the fact that I didn't even realize or the fact that I just told Sean to stop being so melodramatic about it.
Hence the extra stress about this ridiculous situation and all the weird feelings it's causing.
"This is so frustrating," I whine. "How do you all live like this?" Sean pats my shoulder sympathetically. "For once in my life I'm actually not questioning whether you're an alien or not."
"Does that mean you think I am or that I'm not?" I tilt my head curiously. "Take it how you want," Sean brushes off before walking away to actually do his job and help some person find a book.
Maybe Sean's right. Maybe I am just overreacting because I'm not used to the uncertainty. But knowing that doesn't settle the annoying feeling deep in my gut.
I just needed these 24 hours to be over already.
-
By the time I'm home it's nearly at the 24 hour mark. Sean still had about an hour left for his shift and Haley was already out searching for a stress reliever.
Neither of them made the 24 hours a big thing, which says a lot about their certainty about the situation because they love to make everything bigger than it needs to be.
My gold fish once died a few days after I'd gotten it and where I wanted to just flush the thing they both put on the biggest funeral a gold fish has ever had I'm sure of it.
Sean performed the ceremony, Haley sang a song and Kail - because we were close once upon a time, dug the biggest grave and stole some flowers from the next door neighbor. It was a ridiculous shit show but probably one of our best memories together. My mom still has the photos to prove it all.
The point is, if they weren't fussing about this then it had to be a lot more serious in my head than it was in real life. So I start to feel more calm about it. They were right. I had nothing to worry about. Luke and I talk all the time and he's not going to let something this minor ruin the friendship we've built. That'd be absurd.
Or would it?
He seemed genuinely upset with not being able to just be 'normal' as he put it. He also seemed wholeheartedly concerned with me becoming linked to him in any way.
I get it. I do. But I'd like to think if it came down to it that it would be my own decision to make. Whether I wanted to put myself out there that way or not. I'd hope that wouldn't be his reason for not continuing our friendship because that isn't his decision to make.
If I thought I could handle it then I should be able to say and do so. Which I did think and it wouldn't be fair of him to make that call without my say in the matter.
By the 24 mark I'm ready to jump out of my skin.
The house is eerily quiet and for some reason I can't stop pacing. I check about 50 times to make sure my volume was on high and make sure to leave my phone laying in the spot with the best reception.
My breathings gone weird and sporadic as I watch the clock tick on the kitchen wall. Obviously he wasn't going to call exactly at 24 hours. I wasn't expecting that at all.
Except maybe a little itty bitty part of me was because when my phone goes off at full volume from its place with the best reception and I realize it's just the timer I set yesterday my heart drops to my stomach.
I shut the timer off. "He's not going to call right at 24 hours. He does have a job Penelope." I mutter to myself under my breath and start my pacing again.
Five minutes pass.
Ten.
Fifteen.
Twenty.
At this point I'm not sure whether to just give up already or keep pacing and soothing myself like a damn crazy person.
Then twenty-five minutes hits and my phone rings. The feeling I get...it's indescribable. The airs back in my lungs, a wave of calm washes through me and my head stops spinning. I lunge for the phone and answer quicker than I ever have in my entire life probably.
"Hello?" I answer eager and breathless.
"Did he call?" Sean's voice comes through the speaker. My stomach drops.
"Not unless you're him," my voice coming so small and miserable.
"It's still early El, I'm sure he's just busy." He doesn't sound the slightest bit worried and that's semi comforting but I knew I wouldn't be okay until it was Luke's voice on the line.
"Yeah I guess," I agree mainly to end the conversation.
"Okay well I just called to check in. I'll be home in a bit. Stop worrying!"
We say our goodbyes and I go back to watching my phone and the clock on the wall.
-
I thought having Sean home would help. He'd be by my side, talking me down and reminding me how much I was overreacting. Except I was completely wrong. Sean does all this. He does this for hours actually.
But by the end of the night it just makes it all that much more embarrassing to have an audience watch me realize there was no call that was going to come through. I can't tell what's worst, the pitying look in his eyes or the way my chest feels tighter than ever.
I don't even bother saying anything. We both realize it at the same time. I know he'll want to talk about it or have us call Haley. But I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to be around either of them or anyone for that matter.
So I do what most people do when they have a breakdown and want to be left alone, I lock myself away in my room. It was a simple solution.
The thing that hurts the most is, I don't really mind it. If this is his decision then this is his decision. I was the one who forced him into taking the time and thinking it through. He did what I told him to do.
And like I said, I get it. It's his life. He gets to choose who to bring into it or not to bring into it.
I was unfortunately the latter. But that's okay. I have friends. I was fine before him, I'll be fine without him. This isn't like those ridiculous love stories. I wasn't madly in love with him or anything, we were friends. And now we weren't. People lose friends all the time.
What did hurt however, was the fact that he couldn't even call to tell me himself. Not even a sorry-ass text.
Nothing.
P: I guess I overestimated the depth of our friendship, be well Luke x
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Ahhhhh
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