HARRY'S POV:
*Knock knock knock*
Janel and I looked at eachother in shock.
I think we had forgotten there was an outside world. For us, there had been an entire day of just......s.ex.
Not that that's a bad thing.....I just hadn't....been ready for that yet with her.
And now, after coming down from my extraordinarily fucking FANTASTIC org.asm, my guilt was starting to set in.
What had I done?
*Knock knock KNOCK* the sound brought me back into reality again. Janel started to get up off the bathroom floor. So I did too.
I checked my shorts, and they were pretty clean. Oh. Right. Because the mess is right THERE. I looked over at the toilet tank. My come was leaking down, dripping onto the back of the toilet bowl behind the seat. Ew. It's messy being a man.
I wiped my face of sweat, and I got a whiff of Janel on my fingers.
The guilt pang was stronger this time.
I looked around the room and tried to come back into reality, and remember everything we'd done. In the bathroom. In the living room on the couch....I just stood there, looking around, catching whiffs of my fingers, and everything I saw and smelled made me feel more and more guilty.
WHY couldn't I just enjoy s.ex with Janel and not feel this shi.tty after?
She's not a child, for fuck's sake! I'm doing nothing wrong! So, what is my problem??
I felt near tears.
I grabbed some toilet paper and cleaned up my mess. Thank god I didn't come on Janel.
I'd feel even WORSE if I'd have done that.
It's just....too.....demeaning for her. For now, anyway.
Even though she doesn't seem to think so. She's a fucking s.ex fiend, I'm discovering!
One fucking kiss, and we spend the entire day getting each other off in whatever ways we can think of.
I looked out the bathroom door, to the living room window. The sun was fvcking setting already!
Holy day of s.ex, Batman.
Well, we had woken up pretty late from watching movies late the night before. So we'd probably woken up at noon or so. We did that a lot. Night time was our favorite time.
I washed my hands, and I heard Janel answering the door. Hopefully she had changed her shorts. They were still stained from earlier on the couch.
When I shut off the water, I heard Bonnie's voice.
I checked myself in the mirror and got a quick drink from the faucett. Flattened my hair a little, especially in the back, where a certain someone had fisted it into horns, practically, as she nearly pulled it out of my head in the midst of her huge, extended sexual peak. Seriously. It seemed to go on longer than any woman's org.asm I'd ever seen. It must have wiped her OUT. I'm suprised she had the energy to jerk me......ahhh fvck.
Tears welled up in my eyes. Why was I so bothered? Her innocence. Her pure fvcking innocence. THAT'S what bothered me. She was just so damn....innocent. Like a little girl. Only, in a woman's body. THAT is what I can't handle about her. That, and the fact that she's never had a relationship before. So she should take things slow. Get used to them first, before moving right into an adult relationship full of complications. Right?? I mean, her first ever kiss was just a few HOURS ago!
I collected myself, checked the bathroom for evidence, and walked out. I felt guilty even looking Bonnie in the eye. She was the closest thing Janel had to a mom, and I had just had my di.ck in her "daughter's" mouth. My di.ck being the first EVER di.ck in her mouth, to make matters worse.
I absolutely hated myself right now.
I walked into the living room and was relieved that Janel had changed her pajama shorts into real shorts and a thicker tank top. I should have probably put a shirt on before I came out, but I could barely think.
I looked up at Bonnie, and she looked over at me.
"Harry! Hi honey! I was just telling Janel I came to drop off a few groceries. It was a good excuse to come visit. I was bored, and thinking of you guys. The kids are away at friends' houses, and......Harry? Are you ok dear?" she stopped her story. Sh.it. She noticed the guilt on my face. She noticed that I couldn't quite look at her. Or maybe she noticed the tears that were fighting to take over in my eyes.
"Harry?" she walked over to me quickly, putting her purse down on the way.
Janel looked at me, and her mouth dropped open. She took the grocery bags, and rushed into the kitchen silently. Fvck. Fvcking GREAT. Now I scared her. She's probably scared shi.tless right now, wondering what's wrong with me. Thinking I'm pi.ssed off at her for what happened.
But I'm NOT pi.ssed at her. I'm really not.
I'm pi.ssed at myself. I have no fvcking self control. I'm suprised I didn't just fvck her right there up against the bathroom wall. What stopped me? I don't even know. I know I pictured that exact scenario as I rushed in and grabbed her and kissed her. That's exactly what I pictured doing. Even though I knew I wasn't going to.....
"Harry honey....what's wrong? Are you ok? Did you just wake up? You look horrible! Talk to me! I've never seen you like this!" Bonnie begged for me to say SOMETHING. Anything.
But I couldn't. I couldn't open my mouth, because everytime I tried, the tears rushed up into my eyes.
She took my hands. My guilty hands. My hands with fingers that probably still smelled a little like Janel's...private area. I wanted her to let go of them. They were guilty hands. Hands that had been all over Janel's body.....hands that jerked my di.ck, just barely missing Janel's face when I came....
Bonnie looked at me, and must have seen my eyes welling up. I was losing the fight with the tears now, the more guilty images that came flooding back to me. The images were so fvcking wonderful, though! It had been WONDERFUL! The entire day. Every touch. Every kiss. Everything we did. It had never felt so good. So inTENSE before, with anyone.
What the hell is WRONG with me???
Bonnie took a long look at me, and pulled me into a hug.
I hugged her back. It felt good having a hug that didn't turn me on. That didn't give me a raging hard on. Just an innocent, normal, caring HUG.
It seriously felt good.
And I seriously felt like bloody HELL.
Of course, she hugged me in such a motherly way, I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I totally lost it. Right there on her shoulder. The tears came pouring out, and I started sobbing.
"Oh Harry.......Harry........whatever is the matter, honey? I wish you'd tell me. You're scaring me! Whatever it is, I'm sure it'll be ok." she rubbed my back and held me tight. "Harry Harry Harry.....it's ok.....let it out, honey. Let it allllll out."
I sobbed onto her shoulder, and cried like a big baby.
I looked up once, and saw Janel in the kitchen doorway, leaning against the doorframe, sitting on the floor, her face down into her legs, which her arms were hugging.
Great. I'm fvcking her up. I promised never to hurt her, but I'm hurting her. She's come all this way, from practically a mute, severely messed up child, and she's fixed herself and made herself into a strong, smart, brave young woman. And I come along thinking I can give her the world, and I fvck her up.
That thought sent me sobbing harder.
Bonnie finally broke the hug and looked over at Janel.
"Janel honey, I'm gonna take Harry outside and talk to him, ok? And I'll be right in for you after. Ok? Will you be alright? Are YOU ok honey?" Bonnie seemed flustered.
Janel took her face out of her knees. "Yes. I'm ok. It's just Harry who's not ok."
Ouch.
Bonnie took my hand and led me out the door, down the staircase, and on the way out, she noticed an empty apartment, with the door open. She looked around, and said "in here" and drug me in behind her.
We went all the way in, and stood in the empty kitchen.
She put her hands on my shoulders and looked straight into my eyes, which were mostly facing the floor in shame.
"NOW. WHAT is wrong, Harry? I can't take it anymore! You gotta give me something here! You got me worried like crazy! Is Janel pregnant? Dying? Going crazy? Did you guys break up? Are YOU dying? Give me SOMETHING!"
"I'm sorry Bonnie. I was trying to hold it together, but everytime I tried to speak, I......" and the tears started again.
"We're ok. Janel and I. I promise. No one's dying. And she's not pregant. And we're not breaking up or anything. She's not going mental. Everything's fine. She's right, though. It's ME who isn't ok. She's as happy as a pig in mud. But I just.....have so much guilt! I'm soooo mad at myself.....I hate myself....." I faded out as a fresh wave of tears came.
Bonnie sighed. "Well, good. So, if everything's fine, then why do you hate yourself, honey? Guilt for what?"
I sighed too. "I have to sit, ok? I'm physically and mentally exhausted. Do you mind?"
And I squatted down and sat on the floor, leaning against the kitchen cabinets.
Bonnie did the same. And she patiently waited for me to start. Now that we weren't dying or anything.
"Ok. I love Janel. I love her so fvcking much. I've loved her for months and months. I might have loved her from the first day I met her. I love the sh.it out of her. And before I go on, I'll let you off the hook from what you're probably thinking.
NO, I haven't cheated on her or anything. NO, I'm not breaking up with her. And NO I'm not having second thoughts about being with her, or anything like that. She's great, and we're great. It's just ME, who's being a God damned sissy, and I can't understand why."
Bonnie put her hand on my knee. "Thank you for setting me straight. Yes, I was thinking along those lines. Whew! I'd hate to see you guys break up. She loves the sh.it out of you, too, ya know.
She told me months ago. Just...not in those exact words....hahahaha....."
She got me to laugh. I needed that. No matter how small a laugh it was. But I knew my tears hadn't had the best of me yet. I could feel them in there, stinging my eyes....waiting for the right word...the right weak moment, to come flooding out, and soak my face even more. Bast.ard tears.
And so I started my story. I started with reminding her what I'd told her months ago, about taking things slow with Janel, especially se.xually, letting her slowly "grow up" and catch up to her age, because she never got the chance to have an uncomplicated boyfriend, etc, etc.....
And then I told her about Janel kissing me this morning. So much had happened today, I felt like that first kiss was soo long ago!
I told her how our kissing turned into making out, and our hands were wandering, and I stopped us. And Janel had so many questions. And I ended up telling her about the birds and the bees, pretty much. I mean, she knew about how babies were made and all that......but I had to tell her about the nitty gritty details of the birds and bees.
I told her how long I'd been without s.ex now, and for a 23 year old man, it was pretty tough, especially being famous, and having women throw themselves at me from all sides when I'm working. But I loved Janel, and I'd been with NO ONE since a month or so before I met her.
So that alone, was making me mental enough. But I joked to her, that I cheated on Janel almost daily, with my hand. Bonnie slapped my knee and cracked up. She told me I was a very strong, determined man, with wonderful morals.
I told her about making out after telling Janel all about s.ex, and how I accidentally let it go a little too far, and "messes were made...through clothing" I said, sparing her the details. She could get the idea.
I told her how hard I tried to get Janel to stop, but she had found my crazy spot, my earlobe, and I just couldn't stop.
I told her how Janel has never done "anything" before, with or without someone else, so I had to teach her all about that, too. Which was very awkward and strange, but I got through it.
And of course, Janel wanted MORE, after our first little 'mess' felt so great.
I apologized to Bonnie for giving so much detail, but it was needed for my story, for her to understand. She understood.
She cringed at some points, but she understood.
I told Bonnie about how I tried and tried to get Janel to "take care of herself", but how Janel had mumbled about being alone for all of her life, and she didn't want to do things by herself now that she had me. And that's the phrase I kept going over and over in my head, after Janel went into the bathroom, alone.
I felt horribly guilty. I felt like I'd betrayed her somehow. She was right. She HAD been alone for 22 years. And now she has me. And why shouldn't I do this all with her? That's what boyfriends and girlfriends DO!
I told her about how that statement made me feel bad, and I changed my mind and went into the bathroom to be with her. Well, not "be WITH her" in that way....just BE with her. Help her. Teach her what she didn't know, and never had the chance to discover on her own, like everyone else does.
I told her about Janel bringing up the mast.urbating residents in the home, and how she thought it was a bad thing to touch herself, when I brought it up.
Bonnie understood that and shook her head and rolled her eyes.
Bonnie mentioned that she always figured Janel had probably discovered herself, like everyone else and was suprised that she hadn't. She brought up Janel's friendship with Marcus, and thought maybe because he'd always tell her his horror stories of mole.stations she probably never dared to touch herself besides washing in the shower.
Sort of, yes. I nodded to Bonnie, but left Janel's little details out.
I went on about how Janel had me so worked up and s.ex crazed, that I went into the bathroom and decided to give her what she wanted. But NOT s.ex. She wanted to know how to make herself feel good....so I'd show her, by doing it for her.
I laughed at how detailed I was getting, but it was all needed to see my state of mind! Bonnie was cringing, and yet, fanning herself jokingly. "Ahhh, young lust....I miss that!" she had said.
I told Bonnie I showed Janel. But I touched her too many places, that I hadn't wanted to touch yet. And I wandered a little too far, where I hadn't wanted to "enter into" yet, I used airquotes when I said that. I told Bonnie on one hand, it was just a normal new boyfriend and new girlfriend exploring eachother for the first time. But on the other hand....I just felt so guilty! I felt like....almost like I was taking advantage of someone so innocent, almost like a child. And it freaked me out.
Janel was so innocent and pure in my eyes, that I didn't want to be the one spoil her. Yet....I loved being the one who got to give her these feelings for the first time. It was like an angel on one shoulder, and a devil on the other. And it was tearing me apart. Literally.
I LOVED every se.xy second with Janel. She made me crazy. She turned me on like no one else ever has. But at the same time, I was sad for her innocence. Like she just wasn't ready yet.
I told her how after I showed Janel a REALLY good time, Janel wanted to do the same for me.
And the devil said, sure! Go ahead! Why not have your girlfriend give you pleasure? Right?
It had been like 9 months since anyone had touched me like that. I wanted it. I wanted her.
It was all I could do to get actual intercourse out of my head. Because Janel would have said SURE! Let's do it! And I told Bonnie how Janel very quickly learned that she could use her body to get what she wanted from me. Or men in general. And that was no fair. I was defenseless against her "evil powers of seduction"! And I wasn't sure I could have kept up my self control. It was bad enough when she asked me if I was going to make love to her. Images of me carrying her into the bedroom and undressing her and climbing on top of her, gently entering her went CRAZY in my head when she asked me that. (I didn't tell this part to Bonnie. Lol.) I was losing all control, though. That was for sure. Which is why my fingers wandered a big too far in. A bit too far under her shirt and bra. And a bit too far onto her hand on my di.ck.
I told Bonnie how I was trying to keep it as se.xually "light" as I could possibly keep it, but then Janel took it upon herself to try something I didn't even know she even knew about. And seeing her kneeling in front of me like that felt like I was demeaning her. Like I was taking advantage of her. Using her. Overpowering her. When I opened my eyes because I felt strange air on the tip of my di.ck, and looked down and saw her mouth open at it, I freaked inside! That wasn't what I wanted for her yet. She was still too innocent!
But at the same time, she did it anyway, and FVVVVVCK it felt so fvcking GOOOOOD, I didn't pull myself away from her. And every second after that, I felt more and more guilty. The better it felt...the closer I came, the worse I felt. And part of me was like, what's your problem dude? And the other part of me was like don't do this to her. You better not get a drop of come on her pure body. You better not use her like they do in porn videos, you sick fvck. Again, I didn't tell Bonnie quite so many intimate details, but she got the idea.
And I ended by telling Bonnie how I felt so horrible and guilty and low when our pleasure was done and I was back in reality, and I didn't know what to say to her after I was done. And I just wanted to cuddle up to her and hold her, but I could STILL feel the se.xual tension between us, and it made me feel even more desperate!
And then Bonnie had knocked on the door, and acted so motherly, and it all came out.
I told all that to Bonnie. All the while, especially for the last few paragraphs, I was bawling my eyes out. Bonnie had leaned over and hugged me again, while I soaked her other shoulder now.
When I calmed down, she started her advice.
She told me that Janel IS a young woman, and even though she's had no experience, and she's had such a hard life, that she's the strongest young woman she's ever known. She told me that just a few years ago, I wouldn't have been able to believe Janel was so normal now, because she still didn't talk much, if ever, and used to sit in the corner of her room, and sometimes sleep there, on a pile of clothes. Never wanting to come out. She said someone had the bright idea of using animals and therapy dogs to get her to come out and try to be a "person". But even before that, she had always been silently working on herself. When she DID come out, she'd watch people endlessly. And sometimes Bonnie would walk by her room and catch her acting out the scenes she saw from other people that day. Trying to get it right.
Bonnie told me a lot of new things I didn't know about Janel and her struggle to become a normal person. It was unbelieveable, really.
Bonnie said that Janel has missed out on 22 years of life, basically. And she's not getting any younger. And if Janel thinks she's ready for se.xual relations, and all that comes with it, then she's ready. She reminded me that Janel made her own decision that day she had touched my hands, and decided she was ready for human physical contact, and that didn't bother me, right? I had trusted her judgement, and let her touch my hand. And arm. And another day, I let her hug me. I let her take her steps according to what she knew she was ready for.
So why not let her guide me on THIS?
Also, Bonnie said that Janel is an adult. She's very smart. And very strong. And I don't need to treat her like she's so fragile. She's not. She had bad things happen to her in her young life. BUT, she survived them. She SURVIVED them. She lived in the woods with a dog for over a year, at age 12.
She's not fragile. She's not delicate. Sure, she's delicate like a girl. But she's not less than one. She's probably actually MORE than one.
Bonnie said to trust Janel. Because Janel trusts ME.
And she's never trusted anyone in life, like she does me.
Bonnie had some really really good points!
She was making me feel stupid for not seeing it this way, but she was also making me feel better about what happened.
She gave me some other good points, but I was exhausted and tired. They were all very true, though. And I just needed someone else to think of it differently for me, it turns out.
Here I was, beating myself up for being a simple, young man with a pen.is. And she's just a simple young woman with a va.gina. (Only she's so much more. We both are. But for the purpose of straightening my head out, this simplifies it for me.)
My head was in my hands, on my knees and my tears poured out while Bonnie reassured me that what we did was ok. What I did with Janel was ok. And if Janel wants to do it more, to have fun! Pure, adult fun. .....Just be careful. She told me she'd talk to Janel and see if she wants to go birth control pills as soon as possible. She told me to at least wait for intercourse until then...and for 3 months after she starts taking them, because they take a while to start working.
I said that was absolutely no problem. Because I still wanted Janel to wait a while to have actual s.ex. I wanted it to be something special. She deserved that, at least.
"I'm glad I have your blessing. I'm glad you rearranged my brain. Told me another way to think about it all. Because God damn, Janel's hot and it's hard to keep my paws off her!" I told Bonnie as we were walking out of the empty apartment.
I laughed a little, and Bonnie laughed a lot.
And then she punched me in the arm.
"Watch it, Mister!" she threatened.
Bonnie rocked.
As I walked up the steps, I realized Janel was left in the apartment alone, and sad. I probably ruined s.ex for her by making her feel like a who.re, trying to ruin my virtue or something.
Fvck. I had some talking to do. I knew that. I hoped she was ok. I hoped I didn't ruin her.
We got to the door of Janel's apartment and Bonnie told me she'd talk to Janel for me first.
I said I'd go wait in the bedroom. I needed to lie down anyway. Collect my thoughts. Figure out how I was gonna apologize to Janel. She'd given me pure ecstasy pleasure, and tried something new and sexy, even, and when it was done, I hadn't said a word to her. God, if I could take that back.....
I'd have to settle for a re-do soon. That is IF she still wanted me to ever touch her again.
Janel was still sitting in the doorway when we got back in. She hadn't moved. Her head was still in her knees, and her arms were wrapped around her knees with her hands locked together.
Bonnie called her name and she didn't answer. She had fallen asleep! Poor girl. I suck.
I went over to her. I know I was supposed to go in the bedroom, but I just couldn't make myself go yet. I just wanted to see the look in her eyes. See if there was any glimmer of hope inside them for us.
I was really scared. I was shaking a little. Would she forgive me?
I knealt down next to her and put my hand on her shoulder and said her name.
She woke up and looked around, then looked over at me. Her eyes were red. She'd cried a lot, just like me. I'm sure my own eyes were red as well.
"Janel? I'm sorry baby. I'm soooo so sorry. Bonnie explained things to me and she made me feel better about....touching you. About you touching me. I just kind of freaked out, Janel. I don't know why. But hey...I told you, everyone has their freak outs, right? I love you so much.
Forgive me? Please?" I pleaded.
She had looked right into my eyes the whole time I talked. But I couldn't tell what I saw. I couldn't tell if she was gonna tell me to get the hell out, or if she'd hug me and tell me she loved me.
She simply stared at me, silently for what seemed like forever. Directly into my eyes. Her face was neutral, besides the just waking up weariness, and the remnants of crying.
Pleeeeeeease.....say something, Janel. Anything. Please!!! I shouted inside my head. This was torture!
"I know you acted that way because you care about me, Harry. I know you're sorry. And I'm sorry too. I'm sorry I pressured you to do things you didn't want to do with me yet. Whether they were wrong or right...if you didn't want to do them, I should have respected your decision.
It's just that kissing you makes me feel things I've never felt before. And I want to keep feeling them. I lost lots of years of this stuff, and......I love you, Harry. I love you.", and she leaned over and gave me a big, tight hug. Annnnnnd.....this made my tears pour out again. The fact that she could find her OWN guilt in what happened, was so amazing to me. She knew I was wrong, but she still saw her own wrong part she played. And she did have a point. If SHE didn't want to go too far, and I pressured her, I'd be a monster. A typical guy, even. A womanizer. A horrible person. And she shouldn't have done it to me. But that's ok. It was me who was wrong first. She had reason to pressure me.
And I didn't want her to have ANY blame in the subject.
"I see your point, Janel. And I love you for taking part of the blame. I do. But it was me who put you in that situation. It was my fault you felt the need to pressure me. So I don't want you to have any guilty feelings, ok? I'm GLAD we did what we did. I loved every amazing second of everything we've done so far. Touching your body is like a dream come true. It's better than anything I've felt before, because I love you so much. And now that my head is straightened out....I can't wait to do...more.
If you want to, that is.
I'm still making you wait a little bit for intercourse. Just a little bit at least.
Is that alright with you, love?"
"Yes, Harry. Thank you." Janel said in a voice that I could tell she was crying.
And I let a few sobs out too, as we held eachother on the floor in the kitchen doorway.
Bonnie finally gave a "heh hemm", and we realized that we'd forgotten she was there!
We broke apart, and I told Janel Bonnie wanted to talk to her a little bit, and I was going in to wait in the bedroom. Maybe even take a nap.
I gave her a kiss on the lips, and we got up and went to separate rooms.