Sm.ut Warning? Well, not really sm.ut....but graphic s.ex education, anyway for this entire chapter:
JANEL'S POV:
Touched myself? I thought for a moment. Images of a certain resident or two in my group home came to mind. There were a few who always got in trouble for "touching themselves" as the employees called it. Is that what Harry means? Sometimes I'd purposely go and try to see what exactly they were doing when they got reprimanded in the halls or cafeteria or somewhere. I just didn't know what they were doing. I'd see their arm moving very fast from behind. And once I saw the one resident's pen.is hanging out, sticking straight out, and his hand was around it, shaking it. I just didn't understand what they were doing. I was curious. But I never found out.
"I don't have a pen.is, Harry. I can't touch myself." I finally decided to correct him.
He looked at me funny for a few seconds.
"What do you.....women touch themselves too, you know....not just men", he responded to me, sort of laughing a little.
"They can? I don't know. I don't even know what you mean, really. Sometimes some of the residents would get yelled at and told to go in their room or stop touching themselves, but I never knew what it meant." I confessed to Harry.
Harry laughed again a little bit.
I was beginning to feel uncomfortable. Why was this funny? I hated stuff I didn't know. I feel dumb when I don't know things I'm supposed to know.
"I'm sorry Janel. I shouldn't be laughing" he told me, as if he read my mind. "Men and women touch themselves sometimes, when they get the urge to have s.ex, and there's no one to have s.ex with. So what I'm trying to tell you is, that's what people do when they can't have s.ex. That's how they make that urge go away. Touching yourself is actually called mast.urbation. Or mas.turbating. People mast.urbate. Anyway, sometimes you can't touch yourself, so you just gotta be patient until the urge goes away. It's......it's called being horn.y. Did you ever hear that word?" Harry asked me.
"Yes. I've heard before. And I asked a group home staff member what it meant, and they said I'd learn it someday, but not today, and not from them. So how do you touch yourself then?" I asked, eager to learn stuff.
Harry's face got redder than it already had gotten when he asked me if I touched myself. He swallowed loudly. He kept sighing, too. He looked...odd. Frustrated or something.
"I can't.....I can't really SHOW YOU how to touch yourself, Janel. That would be......pretty much having s.ex in a way. Maybe you can watch a video or read how to do it?" Harry suggested, stuttering the whole time.
"Why can't you just show me how you do it? Then I'll try it...." I suggested back, naively.
Harry laughed a strange, strangled laugh and said "oh ho ho ho boy....."
"You're gonna be the death of me, Janel" he finally said, but with a smile on his face.
Harry put his head down and ran his hands through his messy hair. He sighed. He thought. He sighed again. And thought some more. Ran his hands through his hair again. Back and forth, back and forth. Down to the back of his neck, and back up to his forehead. He looked stressed out. Maybe I was bothering him.
"I'm sorry Harry. I don't mean to make you stressed out. I'll stop bothering you. I'm....sorry." I told him, as I got up off the couch and walked to the bedroom really fast. I felt stupid. I felt like an idiot. I felt bad for making him feel bad. I could feel my face getting red hot and tingly. Like it always felt when I felt stupid and didn't know what people were talking about. Next would be the tears.
And they came. Right on cue.
I fell onto the bed, and grabbed my pillow to hug and cry into.
I didn't have time to cry, though. I heard Harry come into the room right after me.
"Janel. Please....don't be sad. You're not stressing me out, Janel. I promise you're not! Please, PLEASE....don't be upset. It's just a very awkward, and complicated discussion we're having, and I'm not quite sure how to answer your questions. But I'm trying, Janel. I'm trying hard. Because I WANT to answer your questions. I'm your boyfriend. I love you. You can always ask me anything. Ever. I will never get mad or stressed. I promise. Please, don't cry", he tried to reassure me as he sat on the bed next to me and tried to unattach my face from the pillow. He couldn't do it. I wouldn't let him. I simply felt stupid. And embarrassed for being stupid. Why did I think I could ever be like a normal person? I should just go back to the group home and give up the stupid dream of being a normal person. Harry will eventually hate answering my dumb questions, and he'll wonder why he wastes his time on me, and he'll leave.
He'll leave someday.
I had forgotten that everyone eventually leaves me. I had gotten so secure with Harry, that I forgot that any day now, could be the last time I ever see him.
"Janel, please. Let me hug you. Let me look into your sad eyes. Let me touch your face. Let me tell you it's ok. Because it IS ok, Janel. I love you. More than you know. More than I can say. And there's no way you could know about the stuff we were just talking about, but I'm honestly happy that I can be the one to teach you. I just don't want to take anything too far, Janel. I want you to wait a while, before you do anything...huge. Please roll over and let me hold you. Please?" Harry kept insisting.
I was used to just crying into my pillow. That's how I got through things that made me sad.
But Harry was here now. So many things were different. I could touch him. He could hug me. It always felt better right away, when he'd put his arms around me. So I should let him. Right?
I lifted my soggy face, and rolled over, to see him looking down at me. Right away, his hands went to my face. One hand cupped the side, and the other hand wiped away the wetness under my eyes. Then his hands switched.
He took my hand and pulled me to sit up. And he put his arms around me tightly and snuggled his face into my neck. It was such a tickly feeling, but I felt so secure. I almost forgot about being sad.
"I love you Janel. I love you so much. I want to teach you everything. And I will, in time. You just have to be patient, and trust me. Believe me that I'm trying to do what I think is best for you. I don't ever want you to feel stupid or anything, just because you don't know things they didn't teach you in a group home. Before you know it, you'll know everything there is to know. You're smart, and you catch on so fast, Janel. And believe me....you don't know how lucky you are that you don't know about s.ex. It could have been the opposite for you. You could have known too much, and too early. Like your friend...Marcus, is it? You really got lucky, Janel. And someday, you'll realize how lucky you are.
Just believe me. Trust me. Ok?" He said all that in the crook of my neck. I understood all he said to me. I did. I know Marcus knew too much. In my head, I'd put together some of the stories he told me and realized they were about s.ex. And he was sad all the time about it. So I guess Harry is right, trying to make me be patient.
"Ok. I'll trust you. I believe you. I hope I understand soon, though, because I truly do feel stupid. And you talking in my neck is making me....have that urge again. It's tingling my neck, and spreading from there..." He lifted his head up right away. "Oh, sorry!" He laughed. "You are a ho.rny one, aren't you? I guess so, being 23 and never...........right. Ok. Yeah." He stopped talking and looked directly at me.
"What do you feel right now?" He asked seriously.
I knew what I felt, but I didn't know the words to describe it.
"Um.......I feel all tingly. All over. And I feel butterflies in my stomach. And I feel like I want to hug you really close, really tight. But most of all, my...private area feels like there's a separate heartbeat in it." I told him as best as I could.
"Ok", he started. "That is what it feels like to feel hor.ny. Got it?"
I shook my head.
"When you feel hor.ny, it means your body wants to have s.ex. But WE are not gonna have .sex right now, so you can either distract yourself with something else, so the horny feeling goes away in a couple minutes, or you can.....touch yourself. It's sort of like having s.ex, with yourself. Touching yourself means, that you touch your privates. You touch them in whatever way feels really good. And you keep touching them, until you feel an even BETTER feeling starting to spread through your body.
And if you keep on touching, that feeling will build up stronger and stronger, better and better, until you feel a sudden jolt of....the best feeling you can feel in life. It rocks through your body sort of like a wave. It feels wonderful all over. It starts from your privates, then spreads down through your legs, and up into your stomach.....it makes you lose control for a minute, until the feeling slowly gets lesser and lesser, until it goes completely away. You'll be out of breath, but you'll be relaxed. You might even want to sleep, you'll feel so relaxed and satisfied and....relieved.
And then you won't be hor.ny anymore....until later on.
That feeling I just described, is called an org.asm. Have you ever heard THAT word?"
"I don't really remember that one. No." I told him, mesmerized by his story.
Harry explained further, "So basically, when you get hor.ny, your body wants to have an org.asm. You can have an org.asm by having s.ex with a person, or just touching your privates. You can touch your privates with someone, or by yourself. Or someone can touch them for you. And you can touch someone else's, to give them an org.asm. There's lots of ways to do it."
He rubbed his hand through his hair again, several times.
"Do you think maybe you've ever felt that feeling I described?" He asked, with his hand still in his hair.
I thought for a moment. And I started to remember something. A few times through the years, I would get a really strange, but great feeling in my dreams. It sort of sounded like Harry just described.
I told him about it.
"....But that can't be the same thing, because I didn't touch my privates. No one did." I added at the end.
He gave a breathy chuckle.
"Actually, that probably WAS an org.asm, Janel. I forgot to tell you that people can have them in their sleep, and they don't have to touch anything. They just get it from dreaming. And the reason they have an org.asm in their sleep, is because they haven't had one while they were awake in a while, and their body needs one." He scratched his head, and went on telling me more.
He told me that an org.asm mostly happens in a person's brain. But the brain makes it feel good in their body. It was all confusing and strange. Almost like....magic. But there's no such thing as magic, so it was hard to place it all in my head.
I thought and thought and tried to remember that strange feeling I'd felt in my sleep a few times. It had woken me up a time or two. And a few times, I felt like it was about to happen, but then it didn't. And when I woke up, my va.gina was throbbing so much, it felt like it was moving.
I also started to realize why sometimes in the shower, when I washed myself down there, sometimes it would feel really good. Like I wanted to wash it for a longer time than usual. A couple times, I did wash it longer. But I started to feel a weird feeling all over, so I stopped........ohhhhhhh!!!!!! That feeling! The one Harry described! He said it starts to feel good, then it gets better and stronger....that must have been it! Because I was touching down there.....
Harry must have seen the surprise on my face, so he asked me what I was thinking about.
I told him about when the feeling started in my dreams, but didn't keep going. I told him about what I'd felt in the shower sometimes.
He got a relieved look on his face and smiled with his mouth wide open.
"Yes! That's it, Janel! See? You've had the feeling before, in your sleep. And you've almost had it in the shower. If you would have kept touching there when you were washing, soon your legs would probably start to shake, and your knees would probably feel week, and the feeling would wash over your entire body for a few seconds, and you might even accidentally yell out. Because it feels SOOO good. I'm glad you have a little idea of what I'm talking about!! That makes it so much easier for me to explain it all." He came closer and gave me a quick kiss on the nose.
I felt better, knowing I was understanding it now.
I asked him about the other residents who used to touch themselves, and he said men and women touch themselves differently, because they ARE different down there, obviously. And he said people are not supposed to do it in public. Only in private. In private with their boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife, or in private by themselves. So that's why they kept getting yelled at. Because they weren't all mentally there, they didn't know any better to do it in an appropriate place. Made sense to me.
I suddenly remembered our kissing earlier. It almost felt like it happened a long time ago, even though it was only maybe an hour ago. I got up and told Harry I was going back out to the couch. He followed me and we sat close, and continued our talk.
"So....do YOU feel....horn...y...when we kiss?" I asked him shyly.
"YES. I sure do. Like you can't believe. Men are naturally WAY WAY more hor.ny than women. I told you. Men want s.ex all the time.
Remember the first time you touched my hand? Under the bridge in the park?" Harry asked.
"Yes. I remember. Why?"
"The gentle way you were touching my hand, made me very hor.ny." he admitted.
"Really? Well, what did you do to make it go away? You were with me all the rest of the day. Did you just distract yourself to make it go away?" I asked him.
"Yes. Sort of. You kept touching my hand, so every time I'd make it go away, it would come back. And then you started touching my arms.....and running your fingers over my tattoos, and giving me goosebumps, and it was making me horn.ier and horn.ier, Janel. It was torture. But I was so happy about your being brave, that I sort of made it mostly go away, in my head. And I.......when I went home that night.......I touched myself, to be relieved." Harry said, with his face to the floor. But I could still see his cheeks flood with sudden redness.
"Are you embarrassed, Harry? I keep seeing your cheeks get red. That means people are embarrassed. Or mad, sometimes." I told him.
"All of this s.ex talk....it's all sort of embarrassing. People usually don't talk about it so much like this, I guess. I don't know. It's just.....embarrassing to talk about most of the time. Because s.ex is a very private thing. You're not supposed to talk about it with just anyone, really. Unless you're joking at a party or something....you'll learn. Don't worry. But yes. people don't usually admit that they touch themselves. It's usually a secret they keep. Even though everyone KNOWS that everyone does it, in private." he explained perfectly so I could fully understand him.
Wow. This was a lot of information. It was sort of exhausting! So much new stuff to learn. So many feelings I'd never felt before. Who knew they are all so complicated!? I was glad I'd never felt them before. I don't know WHO I would have asked!
There was still a lot I didn't quite understand. But I was getting a much clearer picture now.
"But wait..." I added one more question for Harry. "If it feels sooo good, then how come everyone in the movies look like they're in pain from having s.ex?"
"Ahh...right. Well, the feeling....the org.asm feels sooo good, that people's faces sort of scrunch up the same way as if they were in pain. But they're NOT in pain. You'll understand if you have one. I can't really explain it. It's NOT painful. That's the important part. It's the best feeling your body can possibly have, actually.
BUT...sometimes people LIKE painful s.ex, I have to tell you also. Sometimes they like to have s.ex....hard. Fast. Rough. And they like it when it feels a little bit painful. But again, you'll understand all that later on. Whew. I'm starving. How about you? Want breakfast yet?" Harry finished.
I guess that's all he wanted to teach me for now. It was probably enough for me to learn for now. So crazy, all this stuff! But when I remembered how kissing Harry felt, and how his lips talked in my neck and made me all tingly......I couldn't wait to feel it all again. It was a strange, wonderful, exciting new feeling. I loved it.
I followed him into the kitchen, and watched him make breakfast. He said he didn't cook much, so he wanted to practice. It was yummy.