HARRY'S POV:
What a great show last night. I felt proud of myself. I usually feel good about how my shows go, but sometimes, I just get a better vibe from them. Maybe the audience was awesome. I don't know. I just didn't want to stop. Didn't want to leave the stage. Usually I'm sort of glad to be done at the end of that last song. But last night...I sang a few extra songs, much to the audience's delight.
Maybe I just needed to keep singing. Keep playing. For "therapy". Since I had started the day reading Janel's life story, and I was angry that she had a sucky life.
And if I had stopped my show with the usual song, I would have had to go back to my hotel room and probably think about Janel and her file. A friend in town asked me to go out after, but I just wasn't in the mood. And I was pretty exhausted from all the extra songs. It's exhausting putting all that energy out for the crowd. People don't know!
I finally arrived at Janel's door. Today was the last day I was in town, and I had to tell her I wouldn't be able to see her for a week or so, until I had a few days with no shows, and I could spend them back here.
But after that.....I'd be done my tour. So I'd have months to do whatever, wherever. I thought I was gonna go back to the UK and see my family and friends, but I sort of decided I'd stay here.....get to know Janel more. Spend more time with her. I think it made her feel good, and I know it made me feel good.
Depending on how today goes, when I tell her I can't see her till possibly next week, that is. Maybe she'll be mad and not want to see me at all.
I had her file in a plastic store bag, to sneak back to Bonnie hopefully without being seen by anyone else. If she wasn't there, I'd have to keep it till next time. Or, maybe Janel could sneak it back to Bonnie. Good idea.
Much to my dismay, Tammi was at the reception desk. So I asked her if I could see Janel, and kept smiling through all of her jealous, dirty looks when her eyes motioned towards Janel's room. I sort of chuckled as I walked away. What a piece of work that lady is.
Janel's door was closed, so I knocked. She didn't answer. I tried again a few times, until I thought I heard the faint sound of music coming from her room. I opened the door a tiny crack, and saw her laying on her bed, with earphones on. The music was blasting, actually, now that the door was opened, I could hear it loud and clear, coming out of the earphones. She was listening to one of my songs.
I opened the door more, and waved to get her attention from her looking out the window.
Her eyes widened and she jumped a little bit, but immediately, a huge smile spread across her face, like a kid who sees her pile of presents under the Christmas tree.
I love her smile. It warms my heart. And this had been the biggest smile I'd seen from her yet.
It was contagious. I couldn't help but smile huge also.
She tore her headphones off, and sat up. My mind expected her to run over to me and grab me into a big hug. But then I remembered, as she sat there looking like she'd jump off the bed any second, but never did....she couldn't hug me.
And later today, when I leave, I won't be able to hug her goodbye.
That thought depressed me. But I kept smiling as I walked towards her and sat on her bed next to her.
"Hey Janel! How are you today?" I asked her excitedly.
"I'm great, now that you came back............how....are you today?" she repeated as if she was still learning how people greeted each other.
'I'm good! I'm good. It's so great to see you. I missed you last night. I had to work all afternoon and night. But hey...I read through your file a little bit.....I'm done with it, but Tammi's at the desk out there, so should I just leave it with you and you can sneak it back to Bonnie whenever she's here next?" I got that over with.
"Uhh.....sure. Did you....read anything........bad?" she asked me nervously.
"No no no.....I mean, well, yeah.....the stuff that happened in your life....was.....horrible. But nothing bad about YOU, Janel. I don't understand why you still live here, actually. You should have your own apartment, and a job, and a life outside of this place by now. Even your doctor says so on your chart..." I stopped, not wanting to say too much about her file. I didn't know how sensitive she might be about it.
"Yes. The doctor always tells me he wants to get me out of here soon, but he has to wait for the paperwork and all. I'm kind of scared, though. I wouldn't know what to do. But he says they'd put me somewhere where I could be coached through everything, until I learned it all and got the hang of it, then I'd be....free. It scares me though, because if I'm free, I'll have NO ONE around." she talked on and on, more than I ever heard her talk before. Telling her about leaving for the week was NOT gonna be easy, I was sure of it. She's in such a good mood today......and I might ruin it all.
She stopped talking and looked at me funny. Crap. She noticed the look on my face as I thought about leaving for the week. I just knew it.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
Yep. I just knew it. I don't have much of a poker face when something's bothering me. I gotta work on that.
"I'm just gonna say this now, and get it out of the way" she looked concerned. "I have to leave for work tonight, and I'll be in other states all week....so I won't be able to come hang out with you for a whole week. I'm sorry, Janel....but I promise, the second I'm done work, I'll come straight back here and we'll hang out a LOT more." I hurried and got it all out, so she wouldn't be left hanging.
I waited for her reaction. She was still looking at me, but I could tell she was taking it in. Finally she looked down and sighed.
"Well, that's a bummer dude", was her response.
I had to laugh. "Bummer dude?? Where did you hear THAT saying?" I had to know.
"From Mtv." she said shyly, as if she had realized she'd said a naughty word.
I cracked up more. "I like it! You're so funny......dude" I laughed at her.
She smiled as if she was silently laughing inside. And then I heard it.
First some gasps escaped her mouth, then finally an actual "ha ha ha" came from her smiling lips.
It even startled her, because she stopped smiling, and looked up at me immediately, shocked.
I stopped laughing and my mouth dropped open.
"Janel! I've finally heard you laugh!"
"I think so?" she said.
And then both of us started laughing together. Seeing her laugh more and more was making me laugh more and more. We laughed for probably a minute or two. She even laughed out a tear in her right eye. God, she was so cute. Every bone in my body wanted to grab her into a big bear hug at that moment. But I knew I couldn't. It was kind of torturous.
After our post laughter sighs, she finally said "I think I know that you'll come back to see me when you can. Right?" she asked, looking up at me expectantly.
"I absolutely PROMISE, Janel. It's gonna be a long, boring week without you."
"Ok. Good. Then I'll wait" she said, smiling to me.
She finally took the file from my hands, and put it under her pillow.
"How much time do you have today?" she asked me.
I told her we had the whole day until 4pm. That seemed to suit her just fine.
She went to her closet and grabbed a pink hoodie and pulled it on. "Would you like to walk around?"
"I'd love to", I said, standing up and following her out of her room.
Passing Tammi, I glanced from the corner of my eye, and sure enough, she was watching us go by. Dirty look and all.
We headed to the park. Janel showed me the spot she used to sit with Greg. She said it was more private and less distracting there. We both sat on the small boulders that were next to each other. She told me Greg moved them there for them to sit and talk. I started wondering about this Greg guy as she told me a little more about him. Why did he suddenly leave her? What would possibly make him just up and leave, and never come back...never tell Janel goodbye....break her heart like that? The only conclusion I could come to is that maybe he thought they'd have s.ex, and it wasn't looking like it'd happen, so he bailed. Or...he's just an as.shole. Either way, I was secretly glad he left her to me.
I was sad that she had to go through another abandonment, but glad she was free for me to spend time with her now.
"Harry?" Janel asked quietly.
"Yeah?" I answered.
"I would like to try something. Would that be ok?" Janel asked.
"Of course. Sure! What would you like to try?", I was intrigued. What could she possibly want to try?
"I wanted to try touching your hand. Unless you don't want to. I just feel comfortable with you, and I would love to feel your people...your Harry heat. And....lots of people in the park touch hands...." she explained warily.
I was shocked. But delighted. She wanted to do her OWN therapy? With me! This was great!
"Of course, Janel! I'd love for you try it with me. Just tell me exactly what you want me to do. I promise, I won't do anything you don't want me to."
"I guess you just have to sit still, and put your hand out. Just stay still. Don't move your hand. No matter what. Don't move at all. Be like a statue. Please? Ok?" she ordered me.
I looked her in the eyes, and nodded, then I put my hand out, took a breath, and froze myself as best as possible. I was nervous! But so excited. Maybe I would be able to reach out and take her hand sometime soon? She was trying. This was awesome. I just hope it went well.
"Remember, it only hurts when bad people touch you. When people care about you, like I care about you Janel, touch feels WONDERFUL. I promise. There will be absolutely NO pain.", I said, before deciding to shut up before I made her think too much about it and wimp out.
"Go ahead. I promise I won't move a muscle."
She looked down at my hand for a while. Studied it. Looked up at me a few times and back down at my hand. She lifted her left hand a few times, but kept hesitating and putting it back down.
I had my palm facing up, thinking that would look more inviting and less threatening to her.
She lifted her hand up again, and got closer to my own this time. The anticipation was killing me!!!!
She put out her pointer finger and moved it towards my hand closer and closer. I noticed her breathing was starting to be heavier and faster. This must be really scary for her. I felt horrible for what people had done to this innocent girl. I just wanted to put my arms around her, and protect her and show her how great physical contact could really be. Her anxiety was making me so sad for her.
Her pointer finger was now a centimeter from my middle finger tip.
She breathed heavy, but steadied her breaths as if someone taught her how to control her anxiety in the past.
She closed her eyes as she breathed, pointy so close to my finger tip.......
She held her breath suddenly, and opened her eyes. Finally, her fingertip met my fingertip.
She held it there and remembered to breathe again.
Her mouth dropped open in surprise and wonder, and a smile came over her face, and she looked up at me in triumph.
I smiled at her and shared her triumph. I nodded yes to her and bit my lip to contain my excitement.
She focused again on our fingertips, and she got serious again. Slowly, her fingertip explored my fingertip, until it dared to move further across my finger. Her sliding her finger across my finger was giving me the tingles, but I didn't dare laugh or move.
Before I knew it, her finger tip was in the palm of my hand. Circling around like an ice skater.
I have to say, she was effing KILLING ME, physically. I had promised her I wouldn't move a muscle, but there was a certain muscle that WAS moving, involuntarily.
And watching her innocence as she felt the first ever GOOD human contact in her life, was making my "muscle" move even more. Aaaaaah. I tried to focus on the situation, but now she had several fingers circling my palm, "skating" around up my fingers and back, so it was hard!! (no pun intended.)
She kept looking up at me, and finally asked if I was ok. I realized I probably had a pained look on my face, which wasn't a good look for her to see, because I just told her how GOOD it was supposed to feel. I tried telling her I was fine. But she asked again. She wasn't buying it. She was a people watcher, after all. She knew people's looks probably better than they did.
So I decided to be honest with her. Mostly.
"Your fingers feel so good moving around my hand, that it's making me feel good.....all over my entire body....and it's hard not to....move around, so I'm trying to concentrate on being still, so I don't scare you. Heh", I laughed, uneasily to her.
"Oh........um, sorry", and she removed her fingers from my palm.
"No!!! No no no, Janel! You can put your fingers back. You were doing soooo well! I can take it. It feels great. Just like I told you it does. How did it feel for you?"
"It felt warm. And tingly. I liked it." she admitted.
"Ok then.....you can do it more. Go ahead! Please!" and I put my hand out closer to her in hopes that she'd continue her experimental touch therapy.
And she did. She put her hand back up and placed her fingertips right back into my palm. She was brave this time. This was good.
She smiled up at me, then let her fingertips fall sideways, until her fingers were laying across my hand. It was like we were holding hands, only with our fingers straight out, and not curled around each other. I couldn't help but let out a small gasp type laugh. She gave one too.
She got even braver, and started to curl her fingers around my hand. I didn't let myself curl around her hand, as much as I wanted to, because she'd told me not to move.
"Put your fingers around my hand?" she whispered.
I looked up at her brave face, and noticed her heavy breathing again, and her biting her lip.
I looked down and ever so slowly let my fingers curl upwards around her hand, until both our hands were wrapped together fully.
She gave a squeeze and a laugh. "I can't believe it! I did it!! It feels....wonderful, just like you said, Harry!"
"I wouldn't lie to you! It DOES feel wonderful. I'm so happy right now, Janel. You were so brave!"
She loosened her grip around my hand, and let her fingers slither up towards my wrist. She was gonna be brave some more. This was so exciting. In many ways, actually....heh hemmm......
But mostly, I was soooo happy that she was doing this. She was determined to be a normal person, and she was conquering her last fear. And the fact that she trusted me to do it, was heartwarming.
Her fingers slid further and further up my forearm. I was glad I had my hoodie sleeve pushed up.
She went all the way to near my elbow, where my sweatshirt sleeve started. While she felt around my arm, she seemed to explore every one of my tattoos. She looked at each one with slight tilts of her head, then onto the next, one by one, she felt each one, traced over some, with sheer curiosity, all the while, biting her lip, which sorta drove me even more crazy, physically. My "muscle" was still at attention, with no signs of boring. As much as I was loving watching her get over her fears, I almost couldn't wait to get back to my hotel to take care of...."things". That's how much her touch was affecting me. I felt horrible also, to think that way, when she was so innocent. But hey...I'm 23. I'm a man. She's 22. She's a woman. It happens.
Much to my surprise, her other hand soon joined the first hand, and together, they flipped over my arm to see the other tattoos. I think she forgot this was about her learning to touch, and got wrapped up in my various tattoos.
I watched her be amazed at them all. And I watched her forget that she was touching "someone' for the first time ever. My smile was beaming. It wouldn't go away. As much experience as I had as a young man, I'd never thought that something so simple could make me feel this good. I'd never experienced anything like it before. These feelings.....mental, physical......I'd never taken things THIS slowly before, I guess. This was amazing.
She looked at the last tattoo, traced over it slightly, and looked up at me. Her hands slid back down my arm and stopped around my hand, palm facing down now.
"Hold them?" she whispered.
"Using one hand? Or two?" I whispered back, not wanting to take any movement for granted.
"...........two."
I slowly raised my other arm, and touched both of her hands. I gently pulled one of her hands off of my hand, to hold it separately in my other hand.
So we were there, in a small tunnel in the park, sitting on small boulders, facing each other, both hands outstretched and connected like a circle between us.
"I don't ever want to let go!" she laughed.
"Neither do I" I told her. "Do you want to walk a little bit? You can keep your hand in mine as we go. Just like some of the people who walk around here."
She looked up at me with an excited smile. "Oh yes! I do!"
So we stood up and I let her one hand go, and held onto her other hand firmly and protectively, as I led her up the small stream bank and back to the walking path.
We walked and walked, holding hands the entire time. Out of the corner of my eye, I kept seeing her look down at our hands. I could see her break out into a huge smile, and then look straight ahead.
A few times, it actually brought tears to my eyes, to realize how good she must feel right now.
I coughed and blinked them away. I didn't want to ruin the moment for her.
I think being her first "handhold"...being her first "I'm a normal person, walking in the park, holding hands" moment, was better than any firsts I'd ever had with another person. Having a first time, or being a first time. This meant so much more than any of those other experiences.
To be the one to give this girl her first taste of REAL, normal life.....it was humbling.
Once, she looked over at me and said "This is sooooo great. Thank you Harry."
"No, thank YOU, Janel. For allowing me to be the one to share this experience with you" I told her.
She surprised me when she pulled my hand to lead me to the left, towards the sidewalk and back towards her home. "Well, aren't you pushy now? All confident with my hands" I laughed at her.
"No, I'm pully!" she responded jokingly.
And again, we shared a laugh. She was so corny. I loved it.
She held my hand tight all the way back to the group home. And she held it tight as we walked in the doors. And she squeezed it, probably without realizing it, when we almost bumped into Tammi, who was leaving for the day. Tammi stopped and her mouth dropped open.
"Janel! Are you......you're......" she stuttered a few seconds, and kept looking over at me, confused.
From the desk came Bonnie's voice, "Janel! You did it sweety!!!!!!! Oh my God!!!!! You did it!!!!!!" and she rushed out of her seat and shuffled over to us. She gave me a quick inquisitive look, which I took to mean "did you read the file". So I responded with a firm "yes" nod back to her.
She nodded back and went back to celebrating and praising Janel for her breakthrough.
At first I was scared that she was gonna grab her and hug her. I found myself squeezing Janel's hand a little tighter, protectively, ready to jump in front of her, in case Bonnie forgot. But she knew not to.
She held out her hands to Janel "Can you hold mine? You don't have to...."
And surprisingly Janel let go of my hand for the first time, and grabbed Bonnie's hands slowly, but confidently. Bonnie squealed and started jumping up and down. I stood by and laughed at the expression on Janel's face. It was a look of pure amusement.
"Oh Harry", Bonnie turned to me, "How did you do it?"
"I didn't do anything. It was all Janel's idea. I simply stood like a statue, and she did the rest" I informed her in a proud voice.
"Janel, you initiated this? I'm so happy, Janel! You're so brave! You must be so proud of yourself! And Harry, you really are a great guy. You must be a great guy, for Janel to want to try something she's put off for years and years! I'm soooo glad she met you!" And she dropped Janel's hands and gave me a big hug.
"I have to tell you though, I won't be around for the next week. I have to leave town for work. But I'll be back as soon as I can next week. So take care of Janel for me. I'll miss her" I said bravely.
Bonnie looked saddened by my being away that long, but she didn't want to show it in front of Janel, I think. She collected herself and when we finished the chit chat, Janel and I went to the cafeteria and I sat with her out on the patio while she ate her lunch.
As soon as she was done eating, she looked at me with a shy look, and I knew exactly what she wanted. She didn't waste a second. I held out my hand, and she immediately took it from across the table. I decided it was too far to stretch, so I moved to the chair next to her to hold hands.
She smiled and smiled at me. And I at her.
Holding my hand with one hand, she let her other hand feel my hand and arm with her other hand.
And suddenly, she brought my hand and arm up to her face. Her eyes looked straight into mine, and she unwrapped my hand and cupped it to her cheek, and closed her eyes tight as she felt the warmth. The "people heat". It was just like the day I noticed her, cupping her cheek with a stranger's heat she'd "collected" from a light pole.
This is all she had wanted. To feel someone's gentle, loving touch. To feel another human's warmth. To connect with someone. For someone to care about her. Someone on this Earth...someone out of all the 7 billion people on this planet to simply be NICE to her. Give her physical contact that did not make her cry in pain.
I couldn't help it this time. My emotions were too sudden and too overwhelming. When my eyes teared up, I couldn't stop the tears from falling over the rims.
They fell down my cheeks freely as I watched her take in the warmth of my hand on her cheek.
She held my hand there for minutes and minutes. Breathing in deeply, pressing it to her face, eyes closed tight so as to focus only on my heat. My touch.
The patio door opened and I turned my face to see Bonnie coming out with a pack of cigarettes. She looked up, stopped short, and stared at Janel for a second. Then looked at my tear soaked face. She covered her mouth with her hand, and ducked back in the door, and let it shut gently and silently and walked away.
I looked back at Janel, who was still triumphantly taking in my warmth.
Suddenly she opened her eyes and looked at me. Her eyes got big and her mouth dropped open and she pulled our hands away from her face. "Harry! What is wrong??? Did I hurt you?"
I finally got to sniff, as I didn't want to disturb her before. I sniffed a few times, blinked away the last of the tears, and laughed at what she said. Her? Hurt ME?
I didn't know quite what to say to her. But she looked worried, so I had to speak soon.
"No Janel. You didn't hurt me. You could never hurt me. As I watched you feel the heat from my hand, I remembered that was the way I first saw you. Remember? I came up and asked what you were doing? I remembered how desperately you were trying to feel the touch and warmth of another human being, without actually being touched. And now....you finally got to feel it, and I'm so happy for you, that it made me cry from happiness. I'm ok. Don't worry. I'm just so happy, Janel."
"I've seen people cry, but be happy and smiling at the same time. I never understood it. But I think I do, now" Janel explained. "I'm sorry for making you happy cry, Harry."
She made me crack up as I was drying my eyes with my hoodie sleeves.
"What am I gonna do with you, Janel? You are the cutest." I said, without thinking.
"You are the cutest, Harry. You are a really cute boy. Man. Cute man" Janel responded with a laugh.
After Janel threw her lunch trash away, we decided to sit in her room until I had to leave.
I stretched out on her bed, while she turned on the tv and brought the remote over.
To my surprise, she joined me, and stretched out next to me. No part of our bodies were touching, but she was very close to me.
She reached over, like a pro, and grabbed my hand and looked at me like "is this ok?"
I gave her a nod and we lay there for another few hours talking a little during commercials, watching the 80's movie that was on. Sometimes our commercial conversations would take us through the movie to the next commercial. But we didn't care. Sometimes she'd ask me questions about what the people in the movie were feeling and why. It was all new to her. Love. Relationships. Holding hands. Human touch.
She was so inquisitive. She wanted to learn everything as fast as she could.
And I wished the hours would go as slow as they could.
Too quickly, it was 4pm, Janel pointed out to me. I had already noticed, but I didn't want to move.
We sat up, still hand in hand. She was looking at me. So I looked at her right in the eyes. I wished I could hug her before I left for a week. "I guess this is it. Until next week. I'm not sure what day I'll be back. It all depends on work, but as soon as I'm done, I'll be here. Right away. I promise." I told her.
"Ok. It's ok. You don't have to rush so much for me. I understand. I'm going to be so bored while you're gone!" she gave a little chuckle, then reached both her hands out to take mine that were hanging at my sides. I realized my fists were clenched, I guess from trying to resist bursting into a huge hug and squeezing her tight.
She held my hands out, and slid hers under them. I unclenched my fists, and put my palms over hers. She wrapped her fingers around my hands, and I wrapped around hers. She looked at our hands and gave a content smile, then looked at me happily.
"Goodbye Janel. I'll see you soon. Oh, hey...I'll try to call you. I'll call the front desk. Will they let you talk to me there?"
"Ummm.....yes, I think so."
"Ok then. I'll call as much as I get time for. But not too much, so they don't get mad at me. Heh heh."
"Ok. Thank you. That would be great." She had a proper way of talking. I guess because she didn't have friends to hang out with and learn slang and lazy words and hip sayings and stuff. But I liked her proper speech. Like whenever she said 'yes'. Most people say 'yeah'. Just little things like that. I wondered if her hanging around me more would loosen her up and she'd start talking more like her age. I mean, she already started saying 'hang out', and 'bummer dude', right?
She brought both of my hands up to her face just then. She put them against her cheeks, and let me do the rest. I slowly cupped around her face and I got brave and let my thumbs explore her skin. I rubbed my right thumb under her eye, then as I took her face in with my eyes, my other thumb gently rubbed over her lips as I stared at them. I sort of 'came to' suddenly and realized what I was doing, and quick looked up at her eyes to see if she looked freaked out. But she didn't. Her eyes were closed in a relaxed look and she was breathing a little deeper. I took this as her liking it. So I let my eyes fall to her lips again, and rubbed my thumb over them as I memorized them. She opened her eyes and smiled under my thumb. When I looked up, I noticed a single tear rolling down the side of her eye.
I slid my left thumb over, and wiped it away. "I'll miss you, Janel. See ya", I told her, trying not to make it as dramatic as it felt.
"Goodbye Harry. I hope to see you soon", she said.
I pulled my hands off of her face, which was hard to do, and I turned and walked out of her room.
I stopped at the desk where there was another receptionist there at the moment. A young man. I asked him if I could call here for her while I was away, and he told me yes. "So glad to see Janel making friends", he said, adding "she deserves it".
"Yep. She does. She's the nicest human being I've ever met, I believe." I told him. Andy, is what his name tag said. I thanked him and left. I wondered what Janel was doing now. Was she crying? Was she fine? Was she sad? Was she stressed that I might never come back? I hoped not. But I had to get back to reality and into work mode. I had concerts to perform. I had planes to catch. I had stuff to deal with. Radio stations to visit. Fans to meet. Business decisions to make. I had to remember who I was, and get back into the swing of it all now for a while. The thought of it sort of made me feel sh.itty. I loved my job. This is what I'd always wanted. There was never a plan B for me. It was being a musician, or live in the streets, pretty much. But being with Janel all day long....I don't know. It was like life slowed down for me. Everything was so.....simple. So easy. So uncomplicated. Yet, there were things about her and about my whole involvement with her that were SOOO complicated. It was confusing. But I still felt relaxed after being with her. I realized I forgot the rest of the world existed when I was with her. I was able to just concentrate on her and I. And that was refreshing.
And then I remembered her lips. They were so soft. So tender.....I really liked Janel. It was pretty official in my head now. I really, REALLY liked her. And I was sure gonna miss her this week. Good thing I'd be plenty busy. I brought my thumb up, the one that had wiped across hers, to my own lips...seems like something she would do, if she wanted to kiss someone, but couldn't. There. In my head, in a strange way, her lips touched mine. I was starting to understand her, out of desperation. And that's why she did the things she did. Out of desperation.
I sighed with sadness for her.