"Are you going to tell me why you were so weird with Kail the other day?" Haley asks, taking a seat on the couch. "I wasn't being weird," I shrug innocently. She sends me a knowing look. "I wasn't," I insist.
"Penelope," her voice stern and serious like a mother's. "Don't full name me," I narrow my eyes at her. "Don't lie to me," she hums back, taking a sip of the warm coffee in her hand.
I roll my eyes. "Who says I'm lying to you?" "Ellie, please. Give me some credit here," she deadpans.
"Does it have something to do with that band?" Haley asks and I know she can see my body go rigid. Way to give it away. I sigh. "It's nothing."
It's far from nothing. I was talking to one of the boys on the cover of that magazine. I was talking to someone who had actual sold out shows with thousands of people attending each one. I may have not been talking to a 50 year old man but I sure as hell was not talking to a normal 19 year old boy either.
"Why have you been so secretive? I swear ever since you've started speaking to that creep you're suddenly hiding things," she frowns. "And not just from me. Sean's noticed it too."
Oh god. Of course she had to bring Luke up. That's all I hear from both of them. I get it. They're curious and worried and want to know why the hell I'm up all hours of the night on the phone.
To be honest, I'd like to know myself.
"I'm not being secretive. I just know how you guys feel about him and I didn't think you wanted to know," I quickly b.s. my way through this conversation. "Well we want to know," she states. "Okay," I nod.
For me, this was the end of the conversation. We were done talking about it at least until Sean was home. This was apparently not the case. She sits quietly, raising her brows pointedly, clearly waiting for me to say something.
"What?" I groan. "Are you going to tell me about him?" She huffs. "What do you want to know?" I all but whine. This was the last thing I wanted to talk about. This road only leads one way.
Which is the reason why I was being so weird with Kail. This path of conversation is the path ending with all my cards on the table. A path I wasn't sure I was ready to even be taking. It was a lot to take in and here we are days later and it still hasn't sunken in properly.
"You can start with his name," she coaxes. I think about lying. Coming up with any random name I can think of. But I realize eventually things were bound to come out and I might as well just bite the bullet now.
"He's the naked boy on the magazine cover." The words just sort of blurt out of me with a breath I hadn't even realized I was holding.
I gasp, my hand coming up to my mouth. I hadn't even meant to say that. I was torn between Luke and Adam - why Adam I have no idea. But that doesn't matter now because my mouth had different plans.
"What?" I watch her eyebrows pull together with the confused shake of her head. It begins to be too much. Her eyes on me while my minds a swirling mess of thoughts. I stand up, running a hand through my messy hair and start pacing.
"Ellie? What are you talking about?" Haley's eyes are boring into me looking for answers. I take a deep breath. "Kail's band," I grit out as if it physically pains me. "Kail's band? El, I'm going to need sentences here babe. What are you on about?" She sets her coffee down on the coffee table.
"Okay. Okay." I close my eyes in an attempt to calm myself. "You know the band Kail likes? The one she was telling us about?" I ask and Haley nods intently. "Okay, I think - well I'm pretty sure - I'm maybe sort of talking to one of them." It sounds ridiculous. I know. So I completely understand her reaction.
She starts with a small breathy laugh that moves into a more obvious one and then she stops with wide eyes.
"Oh my god, you're serious." She mutters. I nod. "Ellie, do you know how ridiculous that sounds?" My mind does something that I can only describe as a million exclamation points. If only she could see in my brain. See everything I've been thinking since our coffee with Kail. She has no idea.
"I know that! Why do you think I'm freaking out?" I rush. "There's no way Penelope. You're messing with me surely." She stands now too.
"I wish I was! But listen, just- listen," I put a hand out to still her. She drops her hands to her sides motioning me to continue. "The boy I'm talking, his names Luke-" "There's lots of Lukes in the world El, not all of them are rockstars," she cuts in.
"Okay but not all Luke's tell you they're in a band with three of their friends named Michael, Calum, and Ashton," I counter. That catches her attention. I nod.
"Yeah. And he's from Australia and I swear the more I hear his voice in interviews and songs the more I'm certain that it's him." She looks around the room, her eyes swarming with thoughts I'm sure are very similar to my own. She bites her lip and shakes her head. "Of course you'd get into a thing with someone famous."
"It's not a thing. We're friends," I correct her. "Whatever you are what does he think about all this?" Haley asks still a little distracted with this new information.
I gnaw on my bottom lip, looking down at my bare feet. "El," she says firmly. I scratch the back of my head nervously, looking to the other side of the room. "He doesn't know," I mumble. "He what?" She turns her ear to my voice. "He doesn't know I know."
"Penelope!" She gapes. "I'm gonna tell him! I just, I need time to process. It's a lot okay!" I defend. "It's been two days! I just processed it in a matter of minutes," she retorts. "I don't know what to say to him!" I cry out, dropping back down on the couch.
Haley sighs, sitting back down as well. She grabs a pillow and places it on her lap, patting it to signal me over. I rest my aching head on the pillow as her fingers begin soothing through my hair.
"What if he gets mad? What if he doesn't want to talk to me anymore?" I utter quiet and solemn. It was, if not the entire reason, then a major part of the reason that I've been keeping my distance a bit. I know we've never actually met before but I've grown quite fond of him and okay maybe also slightly attached.
I can barely remember the days I didn't wake to a call from him or went to send him a message whenever something - good, bad, or funny, happened in my life. It's just...it's not a fun thing to think about.
"Oh Ellie, he's not going to be angry and I doubt he'll stop talking to you, he only calls any chance he gets," Haley says lightly through a sympathetic smile. "You two are as attached at the hip as two people away from each other can be." It gets a small chuckle from me. It was sort of true.
"Attached at the phone," I breathe, thinking about how Luke would probably find the saying funny. "Exactly," Haley hums.
"Just think about it okay?" She says hushed. I agree with a hum. Sean comes home then and I dread having to go through it all again. He gasps. "Lap pillow is out. What's wrong?" Haley shushes him. "Just come cuddle."
Annoying as they are, it was times like this that reminded me why I kept them around.
-
I fall asleep at some point during Sean's catch up on things. They both assumed I was asleep before Haley started but I got the first bit of it. When I wake my head doesn't hurt anymore and my chest feels lighter but not fully. I know why there's still the small heaviness and I know what I have to do.
I was terrified, absolutely shitting myself while I sneak out of our apartment with my phone in hand. I hit dial once the front doors shut quietly behind me as not to wake Haley and Sean who were currently passed out on the couch.
It doesn't ring for long before there's an answer.
"I see you've finally stopped ignoring me," Luke answers in a light tone.
"I wasn't ignoring you," I deadpan, walking down the hall.
"Then why didn't you answer my call this morning?" He challenges.
"I was busy," I shrug, pushing for the elevator.
"And all day yesterday?"
"I texted you back."
"L.O.L. doesn't count," he hums.
"Um, that's a response isn't it?" I sing-song.
"Not really," he mutters.
"Well I'm calling you now aren't I?" I point out smartly.
"You obviously want something."
I stay quiet, unsure how to start this.
"P? You okay?" He asks in a much more serious tone when I don't say a word.
"Yeah I just- wait, are you busy?" Right. Good start Penelope. Make sure you're not cutting into his job. Which is making music and being a rockstar.
He takes a second, the quiet noise of a door shutting fills the silent line.
"No, not all. What's up?" There's a tone in his voice that holds something of concern and I can't help but notice it. My heart going warm in my chest.
"Good. I wanted to talk," I reply smoothly, sitting out on the front steps of my apartment complex. He lets out a small breath.
"Good. I've been wanting to talk for two days now."
"Let it go rockstar," I reply in mock-annoyance.
"Speaking of which, how's writing? Make any number one hits yet?"
"Maybe. But you'd never know would you?" He says with a taunting undertone.
"Why don't you want me to know about your band?" I ask, pulling my lip between my teeth.
He sighs. "I don't know. I guess I kinda like being normal."
"Normal? You are far from normal with your laughing at your own terrible jokes and watching your penguin documentaries at three in the morning," I tease.
"Don't act like you don't like my documentaries!" He shoots back playfully.
He was right. I did find them interesting. Maybe it was just because it was so late and I was usually in that weird everything-is-amusing state of mind. Or maybe it was the fact that I had him in my ear talking me through everything.
"I will neither confirm or deny that accusation," I hum. He chuckles.
"See. I like this. I like that we can talk about anything and that you tell me to shut up and call me an idiot. Most people I talk to freak because they know it's me and the people I always think are my friends end up just being something that comes with the spotlight."
Dammit. I should have just came out and said it. Now I'm feeling slightly guilty and definitely feel myself starting to back down on this quest. I clear my throat.
"Yeah but I mean, I wouldn't treat you any different. You know that right?"
"I'd like to think so, yeah," he agrees. "But I also don't have the best judgement according to everyone around me."
"So, you don't trust me then?" I hate how small the words come out. How small they make me feel.
"N-no. That's not- that's not what I'm saying. I just, I don't know," he groans.
"I get it. You have to keep your guard up."
"Exactly."
"So do you ever plan on telling me about your band?" I go on.
"Eventually," he replies with a sigh.
"What if I found out before then?" My hands start to get clammy.
"I don't know," he says honestly.
"Well can I tell you a secret?" I take a deep breath feeling every wary nerve in my body.
"Go on then," he encourages.
"Promise you wont get mad?" I hesitate.
"P," he chuckles softly. "What is it?"
"Just promise me you wont get mad," I repeat.
"Okay, I promise."
It's all set up now. All I have to do is say it. Just...tell him I know. Tell him I figured it out. Tell him he doesn't have to hide anything from me anymore.
Just. Say. It.
"Well?" He presses.
My mind is just a scrambled soup of fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck and it's kind of like a rollercoaster that way. Internally, I was screaming while the ride was taking off and the words were starting to flow.
"I think I know who you are. My friend really likes you guys and she's always posting pictures and really this is your own fault because you told me your name and the other three boys in your band and that I told you about the naked picture and I'm sorry I didn't mention it but I was processing and I was worried and I just- I promise I'm not going to treat you any different but if you want to stop talking of course I'll understand-"
"P," Luke cuts my rambling off.
Thank god for it because I swear my mouth was never going to stop on its own.
"Are you mad?" I ask unsure of myself.
"What? No. And I don't want to stop talking," he assures.
That's a relief. But I'm also waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like there's a but or downside to all this.
"You're not? You don't?" I chew on the inside of my cheek.
"No. You're right. I did kind of give myself away didn't I?" I can't read his tone. He sounds like he's going for his usual playfulness but it's not quite there. Like maybe he's forcing it.
"A little." Because I don't know what else to say.
I'm afraid if I open my mouth long enough all the thoughts going through my head will come flying out since apparently that's all my mouths been doing today.
It's quiet for a while nothing but soft breathing on both sides. I can feel it. The shift in the atmosphere. Whether he wants to say it or not he's definitely not okay, we're definitely not okay.
"Did you want some time on your own?" I offer through the tightness in my chest. Theres some rustling of movement.
"No." His voice is distant, spacey. Like he's more lost in thought than actually listening to me.
"...Do you want to talk some more about it?"
"No."
"Do you have any questions?"
"Mm mm."
"Luke," I sigh because I honestly didn't get it. He said he wasn't mad but something was different. He said he doesn't want me to hang up but he doesn't want to talk. My head was starting to ache again. I shiver with a sudden swish of wind.
"Did you just shiver?" He questions in confusion.
"Yeah, it's cold out here."
"You're outside? Why are you outside? It's almost one in the morning, do you want to die?" He says like a worried mother.
"Alright mom, I'll go inside." For a second it's almost like everything is okay. It's almost like before I told him about knowing and I climb back into bed with my phone pressed to my ear.
"There. I'm warm and safe in bed. Are we going to talk now?" Silence. Almost. I let out a dramatic sigh.
"I get if you're processing, it took me two days. I'm just not sure what you need me on the line for." Still nothing.
"Lu? Will you at least let me know you're still on the line?"
"Tell me something," he says suddenly.
"What?"
"Tell me something." He repeats.
"Like what?" My face scrunching up.
"Anything."
I'm assuming he doesn't want to talk about things yet so I opt for what me and Sean usually do. Which is top each other's bad days as a sort of way to get the other to say what's wrong.
"I broke my favorite mug today," I frown.
"The one with the fox on it?" His voice sounds a little lighter.
"Yes!"
"Maybe that isn't such a bad thing."
"Excuse you, that mug was hilarious!" I pout. It was a cheesy mug with a terrible pun on it. The top read FOR the middle had a picture of a cartoon fox on it and the bottom read SAKE.
"For fox sake! How is that not funny?! It's my greatest purchase to date."
Luke laughs over the line and it settles any nerves I had lingering.
"But I checked and I can't find them anywhere. It's like someone decided to band them all or something. Was there a law passed? Did I miss that?"
Luke's quiet again as I ramble on about my poor mug and how devastated I was about it. And maybe there's a rant that goes along with it because why must I drop everything that's in my hand for longer than a second and I don't get it Lu why can't a find a new one. Even though he's not speaking I know he's listening because every now and again I'll get an amused giggle that sends butterflies to my stomach.
I don't know what this means for us or how long he was going to take to process everything but if this was what he needed to cope, then I was happy to ramble.
--
Two updates in two days? Look at me go. (':
Comments & votes are always appreciated! <3 If you like me updating quick like this then drop me a lil comment letting me know or tell me how you're feeling about the story so far!