Suicide Memories ~A Ruki Story~ HIATUS

Chapter 1

Chapter 1:

I must have stared at that blank piece of paper for at least an hour. What am I meant to say to the woman who has been raising my child? She wants to see me and if I say no, then I'll never see Kumo. Then I guess my choice has already been made, but can I do it?

"I would like to see Kumo." That was all I had written. What else do I say?
"Thank you." And that was all I wrote, I literally spend the whole day thinking of what to say and that is all that came to me. I sealed the letter and dropped it in the mail box. All to do now was to wait. This was the worst part. What will Kumo think of me? What does she look like? Will she like me? What if she hates me...
"Ruki!" I see a hand waved in front of my face.
I shake my head slightly then look over at Reita who is waving at me.
"Your seriously going to think this thing to death. She's a three year old girl. I'm sure she can't possibly hate anyone ok? She's gonna love you."
"I wish I could believe you..." I say.
I waited everyday for a handwritten letter. It was a week before I finally saw it. I sat at my dinner table and opened it reading carefully.
"This is great news! I'm sure she will be thrilled to see you! However, I understand your situation and that you probably want to take things slowly. So, if you want we can set up sometimes for you meet her. You can reach me here at this number..."
I suddenly got really nervous. What will happen when I see Kumo? I don't know if I can do it... I mean she's only 3, i'm not really worried about her liking me now, i'm more worried about what will happen to me. If I take this child on, it's bye bye band life... But she is my kid... I can't just leave here...
I sat there at my table alone with my head in my hands. I'm finally going to see my own child after 3 years... I hope she likes me and doesn't think i'm some monster for leaving her behind... But can I really see her?
The next day I walked slowly to the counseling center, where my own daughter that I haven't seen in 3 years is waiting for me. I was getting super nervous all of a sudden. My body was shaking, I felt my self move slower and slower the closer I got to the center. I quickly pulled out a cigarette and and lite it hoping the soothing smoke would ease my nerves. After I extinguished it I took a deep breath and opened the door. I walked into the room seeing the face of my councilor and then I sat in my usual spot. Shortly after I sat down, I rushed. I looked down and saw a small black haired girl. She was hugging my abdomen for a few second then she looked up at me a smiled.
... I froze. My daughter, Kumo, was hugging me after not seeing me for the first three years of her life. When her eyes met mine... I say the face of her mother. She was the spitting image of her. My breathing quicken and a women quickly came and pulled Kumo away from me.
"Kumo! You shouldn't surprise people like that." I slammed my eyes shut. I thought if I shut my eyes that the visions wouldn't return. Kumo's face unlocked all the memories I tried so hard to keep out. My eyes filled with tears and I quickly held on to one of my wrists. I broke down crying right there, in front of my daughter. My breathing quickly became staggered and It wasn't longer before I couldn't breath and passed out. The darkness once again took me over. There was no way this was going to work. Kumo can't be with someone as mentally unstable as me...

When I came to I was sitting in his office still.
"Are you ok Mr. Matsumoto?"
I looked down expecting to see retrains but there was nothing. I looked up at my councilor and he was still waiting for my answer.
"I don't know how-"
"Don't worry, Adjusting to Kumo will take some time." He says reassuringly.
"It's not just going to take time! It's impossible!" I say.
"It's not impossible, you just need time to adjust-"
"She look exactly like her mother! I'll never be able to look at her and not have happen what just did!"
"You need to calm down." He says.
I was fired up. It's not that I didn't want Kumo in my life, although things would be much more convenient if she wasn't, but seeing her face would set me off every time. There is no fixing that. It's stuck in my mind forever. The last image of Kumo's mom.
"Do you want to try to see your daughter again? Maybe in a few weeks?" He asks.
"I don't know that I can..."
"We will work with you. We will get you to the point where you can see her normally ok?" He looks at me positively.
I wasn't confident at all that I would ever be able to be anything but a disappointment to Kumo. Was it even worth trying? I'm sorry Kumo that you have such a fucking dumb man for a father...
I sat there holding my hands together thinking. She has been through nothing but hardship. If I get better maybe then she can hope to have a somewhat normal life...
And so my decision was made. I owe Kumo at least that...