HARRY'S POV:
It didn't hit her. It didn't hit Gwen. It would have hit her. It would have hit Lou. He was almost there...in front of me.....why was he moving in front of me....
......got to stay here......stay inside of myself......she needs me........she told me to stay......I have to hold on......I'm holding, Gwen.....I'm holding.....it hurts, though.......it's so painful.....I can't breathe......
......Oh, I'm....still here.....I'm here Gwen.....where's Gwen......where........she told me to stay here....where is she.............
.......can't do this anymore......I can't........it hurts.......God it hurts.......she doesn't know......if she knew, she'd tell me I could.....go......let go.......I have to...........I........
LOUIS'S POV:
Gwen was just now realizing where Harry was shot. I'd realized it the second I caught his head as he fell. I had no hope. Not any. The only thing I could hold on to to make me feel better, was that he DID get to say goodbye to her. She got to say goodbye to him. They knew he would die today, and they said their goodbyes. And in the end, they got an extra bonus minute or two. She got to be with him until the end. She got to be there. And I got to hug him goodbye too. I got to tell him I loved him one more time. We shared one more laugh. He cracked one more joke. But most of all, he had her there next to him as he faded away....
I broke down again, harder now. But the NCA guys were lifting us up. They separated Gwen and I, and more medical people came to check us over.
This was over now.
We weren't captives anymore.
This entire who knows how long ordeal was OVER. We would be free.
But not free from hell.
Just entering a different sort of hell. The hell of grieving for Harry.
And this hell....this one WOULD last forever.
Sure, it would get easier. Everyone says it does.
But it would stay with us forever. It would always be there. In every movement we made, it would be there. Missing Harry. Wanting him here with us.
And I had a HUGE fucking job to do now. I had to make sure Gwen didn't kill herself. I had to make sure she lasted long enough to realize she COULD live without him. She COULD go on with her life.
She COULD wake up each day and get through it...somehow.
I didn't know if I'd be there in her life, or not...I didn't care right now.
I didn't want to be there if she couldn't love me, anyway.
I just wanted to be there as a friend. A friend who loved her. A friend who would care for her and keep her as ok as I possibly could. For her, and for Harry. And for me, because I couldn't bear the thought of her suffering alone.
I looked over at Gwen. She was lying on a stretcher, whimpering Harry's name now. She'd gone mostly quiet. She was giving up. She stared straight at the ceiling, saying things to Harry, sounding like a mad woman, if you didn't know what she meant. But I did. She wasn't mad. In a way, yes...temporarily mental. Mad. Yes.
But not truly gone. Not yet. She was just....hurting. More than I could even imagine.
She was being wiped down. The entire front of her was covered in blood. Some of it hers from scraping across this rough cement floor. Probably most of it Harry's.
They draped a blanket over her, and they took her away.
A few more tears I didn't even know it was possible to have at this point, spilled from my eyes for her. I'd see her soon. I hope they knew to keep watch over her. I'd have to tell someone, she needed constant suicide watch until she was released. Then it would be up to me.
I didn't even know how I was going to do this. I'd have to what....lock her in a room? Handcuff her to the bed? I didn't know HOW I'd do this. I'd just take it as it came.
And I'd keep her secure for as long as it took. I had promised Harry.
----
I woke up in a hospital chair. I didn't even know how I got here. How did I not remember? My brain was nothing but fog. Why was I not in a hospital bed? Oh, because I wasn't injured. I went through that entire time of hell, and I wasn't even injured. Yet Gwen was rap.ed over and over, by....I lost count of how many guys, and Harry....was dead.
I felt guilty as shit. Why was I fine? Couldn't we all have shared an equal amount of harm, and all still be here? Three friends that could bond over their few weeks of captivity?
No. We couldn't.
Life was not fair that way, apparently.
I looked around more, and I turned on the light on the wall next to the hospital bed. It was Gwen in the bed. I thought so, but I had to make sure...make sure I didn't sleep wander into someone's room or something. I was dressed in hospital socks, sweats that were too big for me, and a tee shirt.
And she looked cozy. She wasn't hooked into any machines or anything, and I just had this overwhelming need to cuddle to her. There was just something inside me that missed Harry, and being near her was the closest thing to him. It wasn't even about my feelings for her. I just...wanted to be in Harry's "world". The world he'd known. Just to be as close to him as I could be.
I snuck around to the other side of her bed, and climbed in carefully so as not to wake her.
I cuddled against the back of her, but didn't put my arm around her or anything. I'd hate for her to wake up thinking I was Harry...again, but this time, being overcome with grief, thinking it was all a dream or something, and he was actually still alive. I don't know. It was hard already, trying to cover all my bases, to make sure everything I did was was right for Gwen, but at the same time, desperately needing someone to comfort ME too.
I thought about how tough life was going to be now, as I fell asleep listening to Gwen's peaceful breathing. She was at peace right now. I wasn't looking forward to when she woke up.
GWEN'S POV:
My eyes opened, and my first thought was Harry. Of course. It was too traumatic to forget, even coming from a deep sleep. I could feel the loss of him as I slept, so there was no forgetting. There was no quick second of hope in the new day when I became conscious in the morning. There was only sadness. Pushing down on my chest. Making it hard for me to breathe.
Instantly, heavy sobs that were waiting for consciousness to be let out, exploded out of me. I kept them silent, but they rocked through my body, causing my knees to lift up and curl into my chest and my hands come up and grab the sides of my head.
I shook as the pain tried to escape me through every silent sob. I lost myself in the realization of what my life would be like now. From this second on. It would NEVER be better. Never be fixed. My knees that were curled into my chest in the air, started to fall sideways onto the bed as I clenched my stomach tighter, making my body curl further into a heaping ball of pain and mess. I collapsed sideways, hands twisting and tugging at the hair on the sides of my head, when I bumped something with my butt.
I realized a few seconds later, that there was someone breathing behind me.
I turned quickly, and bumped someone's chest.
Lou.
He was asleep in the bed with me.
His hands were tucked between his thighs as if he was still respecting Harry and not touching me.
A shame that now was when Harry actually WANTED him to touch me. To comfort me. To take care of me. Give me the love that Harry can no longer give me.
But that's what Harry wanted. Not me.
I didn't want ANYONE.
I didn't want anyTHING, for that matter.
I wanted to die. Get this life over with.
I'd seen paradise, and it was torn from me. I'd seen all I needed to see. I could be done now.
The pain in my chest. It was pushing down on me relentlessly. All I could think was that there was NO escaping this. There was no "rewind". No "Wait, I changed my mind". This was it. No more Harry. No turning back. I sat up, barely able to see through the puffiness of my eyes. The burning and stinging. The tears clinging to each eyelash.
I looked around the room. Hmmm.....I could do it right now. I could leave this cruel world, if I could just find something useful......but what? Maybe I could get my hands on someone's drug sack hanging from their pole, and inject myself....and hopefully it'd be an overdose.........I turned and noticed a drawer next to me. I opened it and started rifling through it....I wouldn't need to suffer through another second of this horrible pain.........
"Gwen?" Louis spoke softly from behind me.
"Yeah?" I answered him, voice barely working, and scratchy as hell. So much screaming yesterday.....
Damn that squeeky hospital table drawer for waking Louis up.
"What are you doing?" Lou asked cautiously. It's as if he KNEW I was searching for something to assist my suicide. Was HE as good as Harry at reading me? Or was Harry "up there" guiding him?
I chose Harry. Guiding him. Because how could he read me, by staring at the back of my head?
"Please lie back down. Close it." Louis demanded gently.
"I.........fine", I gave in. For NOW, at least.
"You alright?" Lou asked.
"Not really, no. But what can I do about that, right? Nothing. I'll just lay here and suffer for the rest of my life. Because no one will let me fvcking put myself out of my misery." I vented. I didn't mean to. It just...came out.
Lou's arm came up and around me. "Please don't think like that Gwen. You know Harry wouldn't like it."
"Yeah, well....HARRY isn't here, now IS HE? So yeah. I think like that."
"Gwen, please...."
Fvck. Fvcking fvck fvck HE.LL.
"I'm sorry Lou. I'm just.....I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know even know how to breathe. It feels like there's a house sitting on my chest. My arms are heavy, my legs are numb....I'm sorry. I just want to tell you right now, that I know I'll be a bitch again. And again. And maybe all the time. But I want you to know that it's not because of you, ok? It has nothing to do with you. Ok? Understand that, because I don't want you to hate me. But you probably won't like me much soon", my tears started coming as I spoke. I knew they'd show up soon again, already. I knew I'd see them every day. All day. Over and over. Forever. I needed to get used to them. They were going to be a huge part of my life now. That's why I needed to just.....go.
"I do understand. But if you just understand this....you WILL get through this. And I WILL be here for you. With you. And you might not hate me, but you probably won't like ME either after a while, because I'll probably suffocate you with my presence, trying to make sure you get over it safely." Lou told me.
"Well good then. We can dislike each other. Harry will be so happy about that" I said sarcastically. My shrink told me before that sarcasm is actually disguised anger. Yeah, I guess she was right.
"I won't dislike you, Gwen. I know who you are inside" Louis told me, and gave me a kiss on the side of my head. "We'll make it, if we hav...." he was interrupted by my Mum rushing into the room.
"Mum!?" I sat back up fast.
"Gwen! My baby!!" she rushed over, and leaned down to hug me. "Baby, I'm here. Oh my God, they found you.....I'm so relieved...you don't know.....I was freaking out.....you're ok. You're ok, thank goodness!" she cried on my shoulder.
I suddenly realized my own mum was here. For me. When I needed someone. I had a MUM to be here for me!
And then I lost it.
This is what mums were for. To hug you when you were sad. And God knows, I was the saddest person in the world at this very moment.
I cried. Really really hard. And loud. And she simply hugged me and let me soak the shoulder of her shirt.
When I finally calmed down some, she pulled me away and pushed the sticky hairs out of my face and fixed them where they go on my head as best as she could.
"Mum?" I asked, in a most pathetic, weak voice, feeling more tears coming now. "I miss him sooo much. I can't do this." I ran my fingers through my own hair again, grabbing at the sides, pulling and squeezing like I was losing control of everything.
_______________________________________________________
******THIS IS WHERE IT OFFICIALLY CHANGES FROM THE REAL STORY.....in the real story, Gwen's mum comes to visit, and after some initial confusion, Gwen thinking Harry is dead, but he's actually alive, and Gwen's mum takes her to him and her and Louis wait it out in Harry's room for a week, until he wakes up, recovers, and they all go home happy and live out the rest of the story.
Well, this is where that part all changes.
What if.....Harry actually did die......
____________The official Start....___________
"I know, baby. I'm sorry.....I don't know what to say to you.....but you CAN do this. I know you can. You will do this. You're so strong, my baby....you are. You'll get through this. You have me. I'll be here. No matter how long it takes, I'll be here for you Gwen. And Louis....he's here, and I know he'll take care of you....and you need to be strong for him too, Gwen.....you need to be strong for Louis, because he needs your help as well, ok baby? Just remember, you CAN do this, and you WILL", my mum told me.
But I didn't believe a word she said. She was wrong. So very wrong. I could NOT get through this. Not ever. I'd NEVER get over this. I'd NEVER finish mourning Harry. I'd spend the rest of my life mourning him, no matter if I had one day left, or 80 years left. I'll never be better. I'll never get through it. And Louis needs to know this. He needs to realize it, and leave me behind, and go live his life.
That's what needs to happen, and it needs to happen soon.
As for my mum...I'll be so sorry for her. But I'll be dead too, so it won't even matter anymore.
I knew her heart would be broken forever, just like mine would be if I stayed in this miserable reality of life without Harry. But I think she'll be able to get over me, and live her life, so she'll be fine. She only knew me for a few months so far anyway, right? She can get over me, no problem.
She hugged me and I cried more, for a long while, and she told me a bunch of things that she thought were right, but I knew in my heart and soul, were absolutely, positively WRONG.
I didn't blame her for trying, though. She was my mum, and she'd do whatever she could for me. And I appreciated that. I did. I loved my mum. I loved that she was being a mum right now, trying to comfort her devastated daughter, who just lost her everything in life. Her every breath. Her reason to live....
When she went to check me out of the hospital later, because I really didn't have any injuries, and the doctors checked my stomach wounds, bruises, cuts, etc....and did more STD tests before I could go, Lou stayed right by my side. His eyes were blood red, puffy, swollen, and never drying, just like mine.
He felt like I did, and because of that, I thought maybe he'd understand my need to just leave this life as soon as possible, and be out of my misery.
But making him think that was hard so far. I'd keep working on it though. I didn't care. I had NOTHING to lose now. Nothing to gain, either. I had just.....nothing.
Nothing without Harry.
I'd always have nothing.
For as long as I lived.
Which wouldn't be long, hopefully.
My mum got finished with the discharge papers, and came in to take Louis and I home. Back to Harry's flat. THIS was gonna be hard.......