********WARNING:********
Just warning you again, that there is:
Ma.ture
S.ex
Ra.pe
Vio.lence
G.un
Sm.ut
in this story. So read on if you're ok with that!!
If you are ok with it, then let's begin!
Chapter 1:
A/N: I start out in third person POV, then switch to characters' points of view, until the end chapter, where I switch back to third person again.
Janel took walks a lot. There was nothing else for her to do, really. She was allowed to leave the group home she lived in, unlike most of the other residents there. She wasn't mentally challenged like them. She was a normal person. Except she grew up in abnormal circumstances. So in some ways, she seemed like one of them. Which was why she was placed here. Day in and day out....month in, and year out....she went through life. Not knowing what to do next. She had been left behind in a system that didn't know what to do with her. So when she wasn't listening to music, she walked around town, and sat on benches, walls, and at grassy parks, and people watched. Her goal was to learn how to be like everyone else. She was doing pretty well, actually. But at age 22, she felt like something was missing. Something she couldn't understand, but wanted to.
She was missing human touch. Human interaction. Friendship. Love.
As she'd sit for hours and watch people go by, she'd see them all the time. Couples. Two people, walking hand in hand. Sometimes hugging. Sometimes kissing. Sometimes even doing strange things together, that they looked like they were trying to hide.
She saw all these things on movies too. It made her all tingly sometimes. How she wanted just to try holding someone's hand. Let alone, having a hug. She couldn't recall EVER having been hugged in her life. She really couldn't recall ever being touched in any good way, ever. Only hit. And left alone. That's all she could remember about her life before this home. Not that she liked to remember her life before this home, anyway. It was something she didn't think about. She only thought of her life NOW, and how she could be like all these people walking around. They all looked like they had a purpose in life. A mission. They looked busy. They looked important. She wanted to be important. And busy. And.....touched.
Sometimes, she would get so desperate for a human touch, that when someone touched a street pole, or store door handle, or park bench, she'd touch it when they left. Just to feel the "people heat" as she called it. She'd feel the warmth their body left behind, and sometimes, she'd touch her heated hand to her cheek, just to feel what it felt like to be touched by someone else.
Even though, she didn't LIKE being touched. She shied away from it at all times. Every employee in the group home knew NOT to ever touch her. For Janel, human touch only meant one thing: PAIN.
The only times she was touched by humans in her life, was when she was being beat. Or poked. Or pushed. Or pinched. Or slapped.......
It took her months of people watching to realize that these people holding hands or hugging....were NOT giving each other pain, but giving each other something....good, it seemed. At first she couldn't understand why everyone did it. Why they would like being hurt by each other like that. But then she slowly realized, the touch was good. People smiled when they touched. Except a few times, she did see people cry when they touched. And this made Janel nervous and anxious and most of all, confused. So she didn't let anyone touch her, ever.
But she was mesmerized by it, and wanted it, yet at the same time. She was torn.
Janel was very unsure of herself and of other people, especially those from outside the group home. She was socially awkward. No one taught her how to socialize correctly. Spending years being mostly neglected, she had never learned how to act around people.
The employees in her home taught her plenty, and the rest she learned by watching the world. Watching movies. Watching people. Even by listening to music.
If people talked to her, which was rare in the outside world, she was scared and awkward. She answered slowly. She was so unsure of herself, wondering if she was saying or doing the right thing, that she thought about every word she said, over and over in her head, before she actually said it. Most people assumed she was "slow", and they'd move on. And that would hurt Janel. She LIKED when people would talk to her. Even though it scared her, too.
She wanted people to talk to her. She wanted people to like her. She wanted to walk with someone and talk, just like most of the people in her city.
Speaking so slowly, and putting her hands on poles, door handles, benches, etc, while closing her eyes, and feeling the human heat, made most of the people recognize her as "that weird girl".
But she knew she wasn't weird. If someone would just talk to her for longer than a few seconds....
Janel was a pretty girl, too. Not strikingly beautiful, but pretty. Girl next door pretty. She had full, pouty lips, long brown hair with a slight wave to it, hazel eyes, and a healthy, but slim body.
Sometimes men would come up to her and start talking. And she loved that. But when she spoke, they'd get a strange look in their eyes, and end up walking away for one reason or another, just as quickly as they appeared. And that made her heart ache. If only she could be NORMAL. If only someone would give her a chance.
One afternoon in November, she was out walking around, observing people as she went. And as usual, she watched as a guy leaned on a lamp pole, talking on his phone, then walked off. She went to the lamp pole, and touched it where he had leaned. She could feel the heat his body left behind in the cool autumn day. She touched the pole, and closed her eyes, and touched her own face. Concentrating on the feeling of another human's body heat. This was how she could "touch" humans and not be hurt by it. She looked like a person basking in the sun. Only she was basking at a pole on a street. And, as usual, people walked past her with strange looks.
But on this day, one person who was sitting on a stone wall across the street from her, noticed her. He had been walking from the corner store, back to his hotel with the candy bars he bought, when his phone rang, so he sat on the wall and enjoyed a candy bar while talking. All the while, watching this girl who he happened to notice, who seemed lost as she watched everyone going by, with a look of wonder on her face. After he hung up, and finished his candy bar, he continued sitting there, watching her. She was really pretty. And really plain. And really.....strange? WHAT was she DOING???
He was intrigued. He had to ask. So he crossed the busy street towards the strange woman. He couldn't think of anything good to say, so he decided to just say what was on his mind.
"What are you doing?", he asked her softly with a silly grin on his face. He figured he'd go with the humorous approach, and waited for a humorous answer of embarrassment from her.
But to his dismay, all she did was startle at the sound of his voice, and turn to look at him. And look. And....look. She looked up at him with wide, wondering eyes, mouth gaping open like she was ready to talk, but mostly just suprised.
This was awkward. "Are you...alright?", he asked awkwardly, with a nervous smile and a tilted head.
She moved her mouth as if to speak, and took a breath.....but nothing came out as she looked up at him. Finally after a really weird, silent few seconds, she answered with a tiny "Yes...."
He responded with "Are you sure? Do you need directions? Do you need to get somewhere? Are you lost? Are you feeling alright?" She stared at him again, luckily not for as long as last time. "No. I'm not.....lost. I'm just touching......" and her weak voice trailed off.
"Touching? That pole?", he asked, confused.
She immediately looked down at the ground, like she was ashamed, as she answered with a soft "yes".
"Ok.....why?" he asked her.
"To feel the people heat." she freely admitted in a shy, slow voice as she stared at the ground.
"People....heat?" he repeated inquizitively. What the HELL was she talking about?
Realizing she was being viewed as weird, she quickly blurted out a soft "I'm sorry", as she walked past him and started down the street.
He didn't know WHAT made him go after her, but that's what he found himself doing. Questioning himself the whole way. There was just.....something about her. He didn't know what. He didn't know why. But there was something. And he wanted to make sure she was alright. And he was also curious what in the hell "people heat" meant, and he HAD to find out.
Finally he caught up with her, and followed her pace next to her as she walked. "Hey...I didn't mean to upset you.....I just wanted to make sure you were alright."
"I'm ok. I'm just going home", she told him.
"I'm Harry", he told her, and held out his hand for a shake.
With that, she stopped suddenly, staring at his hand like it was a Cobra snake hissing and aiming at her to strike. He thought he heard her make a small gasp.
After staring at his hand for way too long, she finally said "I'm Janel." Only she didn't hold out her own hand to his. She awkwardly shoved her hands into her hoodie pockets and looked up at Harry.
"Hi Harry" she said, not knowing what else TO say. And she gave him a small, shy smile. As best as she could do, anyway. She wasn't used to smiling. But she tried.
He saw her awkward smile, and saw the flicker in her eyes, and his heart skipped a beat. He didn't know why. And he surely didn't expect that. But it had happened.
"Can you tell me what 'people heat' means?" Harry asked, getting right to the point.
She gave a slight, short breathy sigh, and began to explain it to him, in her slow, unsure voice.
He listened intently, and hadn't walked away yet, which she thought was strange. He'll walk away soon......she knew this.
As she slowly spoke, she looked up at this man. He was handsome. She liked how he looked. And she loved the way his shiny brown curls glistened in the sunlight. And she liked the sound of his talking. It was different than anyone she'd ever talked to before. She was pretty sure it was a "British accent", as she'd heard an employee in her home say as they watched a tv show in the lounge with her once.
The employee, Marci, said she LOVED guys with British accents. This guy's accent sounded the same. She liked it also. And she liked the guy's smile. He looked like he was a nice man. And for some reason, he was STILL there, talking to her. Listening to her. This was odd!
When she got done explaining her people heat routine, the look on his face had changed. He looked sad or something. This made her uncomfortable and she stared back to the ground again.
After a short silence, he asked her where she lived.
"Down the street, over there." she pointed to a long flat brick building with a small parking lot on the side.
"Would you like if I walked you home?" he asked her kindly.
Janel was shocked and confused, but she was enjoying talking with this man so much, she said "sure, I'd like it." And they started down the street.
They walked silently at first, but he kept looking over at her. Then he noticed an earbud poking out of her hoodie pocket. Perfect. This should make conversation easier, since she seems so awkward, he thought.
"So what music do you listen to?" he asked her.
"A lot of different kinds" she responded slowly and unsurely.
Crap. That didn't go as planned, he thought to himself.
"Well, name some bands you like...what music do you have on your playlist there?" he pointed to her hoodie pocket.
"I have a bunch of different music" she said, as she took out her mp3 player. It was a cheap device she'd gotten at the drug store on the corner a few months ago. She had made a list of all the songs she'd heard on the radio and tv over the past year or so, and wanted to have for herself. And with her government money that she barely ever used, she'd bought the player, and loads of music cd's, which the home's employees loaded in to her mp3 player for her. It took a week, a few hours a day, but now she could listen to her favorite music wherever she went if she wanted to. This was her prize possession.
She turned it on and handed it to Harry. "See...."
Harry looked through the list of music. He shook his head "yes" a lot. Tightened his lips into a smile many times, too. Raised his eyebrows quickly a few times too. And once, he stopped, gave a huge smile, studied a bunch of the songs closely as he flicked through, then gave it back to her with a content smile on his face.
"That's an awesome playlist. Very extensive, too. You have great taste in music, Janel" he complimented her. "You should buy an iPod. It'd be much easier to access your songs on there. Or do you have an iphone?"
Janel looked up at him a few seconds. "I don't have a phone. I don't need one. I have no one to call."
Harry looked sad and crinkled his eyebrows at her, as they got to the entrance of the group home.
LifeCare is what the sign said. "So you work a lot?" Harry asked, thinking that's what she meant when she pointed to this place as her home.
Janel looked confused. "No?? I don't work. Why?"
"Because you said you 'live' here. So I figured that means you work a lot" Harry explained.
"I DO live here. But I don't work" Janel explained again.
Harry wasn't understanding. "So you actually LIVE here. Like...this is your HOME?"
"Yes", Janel answered.
"But this place is for........you're not like....." Harry's voice faded off, not knowing how to finish that sentence without saying un-politically correct phrases.
"Why do you live HERE?" Harry finally asked as he took a seat on a bench next to the entrance.
Janel didn't know how to answer that. Where to start? So she just stared at him a little too long.
"Because when they found me, this is where they took me because I didn't know very much. So I live here still" she managed to explain.
"They found you? WHO found you? Where?? Won't you come sit if you want...or do you have to go in?" Harry asked.
Janel looked at the bench. Mentally, she had been waiting for him to get up, so she could sit next to where he sat, and touch where his back was. Where his hand rested, grabbing the edge of the seat, and touch his leftover warmth to her face. She didn't know she was supposed to sit with him.
So she sat. "In the woods. A man found me. I was 13. I lived in the woods for a while, because the people who kept me in my room died, and I couldn't get out. I was so hungry. And I ate all the food. So I had to break the door and get out. And I had nowhere to go. So I stayed in the woods....." Janel stopped explaining when she saw Harry's mouth gaping open in horror. She knew all these looks on people's faces from watching movies. Lots and lots of movies over the years.
"You lived in the woods.....what did you eat? What people died? How did they die? I....I'm sorry....I keep asking you all these questions.....you probably don't want to answer them. I'll leave you alone..."
"No!" Janel suddenly burst out over his voice. Harry looked up quickly, startled.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. It's just.....I don't....WANT you to leave me alone. I don't want you to....go. I don't mind answering your questions. No one outside has ever asked them before. Well, except for one person. I..........like talking to you" she slunk in her seat and stared at her feet, fingers awkwardly wringing each other out, embarrassed at having said all that to Harry.
Harry looked at her for a few seconds. Then at the sign above the door. Then in the clear automatic doors, at the reception area. It looked like a small hospital, almost. Past the reception area, there was a long hallway, with lots of doors on each side. WHY does she LIVE here?? This is surely for mentally challenged or mentally ill or people who can't take care of themselves.....SHE seems fine? She talks very slowly, but she seems more....just awkward, than slow. How did I end up here? Is she gonna have a tantrum when I say I have to go? I do have a radio appearance in a half hour.....
Harry finally told her, "I like talking to you too, Janel. I don't want to leave either. I do have a few minutes till I have to go. If you want to tell me your story, I'd love to hear it".
Janel smiled and looked over at Harry next to her on the bench. She still couldn't believe he was still here! She got lost in how kind his eyes looked for a second. But she remembered to be normal like everyone else, and blinked it away.
"Thank you. But you can go if you want to. People don't usually talk to me this long. I won't be mad at you. It's ok" she told Harry sadly, then looked back at her feet.
"No! I really DO enjoy talking to you" Harry reassured her. "Why don't people talk to you long?"
"They think I'm slow", Janel told Harry and gave a sad sigh. "They think I'm weird".
"I'm sorry Janel. I don't think you're slow. Or weird. I think you're probably just socially awkward. But lots of people are. Some more than others. Even I am. But with practice, anyone can overcome it", Harry told her. He knew being socially awkward pretty well. Even though he'd gotten so much better in the past few years....he still had his awkward moments. But on stage was where he felt the most comfortable. In crowds, he was fine too. But one on one, he was just....awkward. Getting way better than he used to be, sure....but sometimes it would come back and make him anxious. Nothing he couldn't control, though. This was probably what kept him here with Janel. Her awkwardness. He was intrigued by her. She was so pretty. So sweet and innocent. So shy. And yet, from the little she'd said already, he felt horribly bad for her. She must have had a horrible life so far. And she obviously needed a friend. So he decided he wanted to be a friend to her. Even as busy as he was as a musician, he thought if he could brighten this girl's world just a little bit, they'd both make out well. She'd have a friend. He'd have a friend and he'd get to be around her sweet innocence. There was just 'something' about her, deeper though, that he couldn't place in his head. He was....drawn to her for some reason.
"You're awkward sometimes too?" Janel interrupted his thoughts.
"I am. Look at me! Don't I look awkward to you?" Harry put his arms out to his side and pointed in at himself.
"No? You don't look awkward. You don't seem awkward, either. You seem....handsome. And nice", she gave a small smile up at him, which made him feel immediately warm inside, and a genuinely happy smile spread across his lips as he looked back at her.
"Hey Janel, girrrrrrl!"
Both Janel and Harry turned to the other side of the building where Tammi, an employee at the home was coming up the sidewalk to start her work shift. "Who's THIS, Janel?" she asked seeming very surprised, as she looked Harry up and down repeatedly, seeming to approve of what she saw.
Janel didn't like the way Tammi was looking at him. It seemed like she was eyeing up a cupcake that she wanted to steal off of Janel's plate, or something. Tammi was nice, but she didn't seem like a "real person" to Janel. She seemed like she faked caring about everyone. Janel might be awkward, but all the years of people watching had taught her to see things about people that 'normal' people probably didn't even see all the time. Tammi seemed to Janel like the type of person who would steal that cupcake from her, and more, at any second. Janel always had to do her "fake smiles" when Tammi would talk to her. She hated that.
Harry stood up and held out his hand to Tammi and introduced himself. "I'm Harry. I'm a friend of Janel's."
"Harry! I love that name. I'm Tammi" she said, and held out her hand like a princess, almost expecting Harry to kiss it. Thankfully, Harry did not kiss her hand like in the princess movies. He said nice to meet you Tammi" and sat back down next to Janel and looked over at her for a long glance. It almost seemed like he knew Janel didn't like Tammi much. Or maybe he didn't like her either. Janel hoped he didn't.
"So a friend, eh Janel? You'll have to tell me all about him later! I gotta clock in. Hope to see you around, Harry!" and she disappeared inside the double automatic doors into the lobby.
Once she was gone, Janel gave a long sigh. She didn't even realize she did it, until Harry said "she's a piece of work, isn't she? You don't like her, do you?"
"Yes. She is. A...a piece of work. She acts nice, but I can tell she's probably actually thinking mean things about people when she talks to them. I don't like her much. The other staff I like, though", she told Harry.
He laughed, "Yeah. She looked at me like I was a yummy dinner or something."
Janel gave a small chuckle and corrected Harry. "I was thinking a desert. Like a cupcake."
Harry laughed more now.
HARRY'S POV:
Janel and I were quiet for a minute or two. Sort of an awkward silence, only it didn't feel as awkward as it should have been. It felt like two people enjoying the nice day on a bench. Just looking around, happy to be together. That's what it felt like for me, anyway. I wondered what she was thinking.
I wanted to ask her, but I realized it's probably time to go soon. I checked my phone.
Sh.it! Yes it IS time to go. The radio station is probably 6 blocks from my hotel, and my hotel is about 2 blocks from here, and I have 15 minutes. I don't wanna be out of breath on air.
My manager is busy today on personal business, so I'm on my own. I'm so used to him telling me where to be and when. Dammit.
"I have an appointment, like I told you earlier, so I guess I have to leave now, Janel."
She turned to me fast, with a hurt look on her face. "Oh, ok. That's too bad. I was having the best day ever. Thank you for talking to me. No one has ever talked to me for so long in such a long time" she told me and ended it with a slight smile. Her smile.....the twinkle in her eye.....the sweetness that eminated from her...my heart felt warm when she looked at me and smiled like that.
And at the same time, I felt horrible for having to leave. If I could have cancelled my radio appearance at that very second, I would have, just to take away the hurt that I could tell she was feeling. I mean, her "best day ever"?? All we did was walk 2 blocks and sit on a bench. And this was the best thing ever? My heart ached for her, in addition to the warmth it felt for her.
"How about I come back later? Would you like me to?" I offered her, hoping she would feel better, but also hoping I could see her again.
She looked extremely happy for a split second, but then it faded away into another sadness. "Sure, I'd love for you to come back. But I know you won't. And that's ok. I'm happy for the time you gave me already" she said.
"Why would you think I won't come back?" I asked, confused.
"Because people say that just to say it. They don't actually mean it, though. I'm happy you were nice to me. I don't want to be a bother to you" she said, staring at her feet again. She did that a lot. Very low self esteem. Another thing I can recognize easily, as I've been there myself. And it's a horrible place.
"Well Janel, I PROMISE I'll be back. How about that? If I don't get time to come back later on, I WILL come see you tomorrow. I absolutely promise. I'm usually pretty busy, so it's hard to make an exact time." I reassured her.
"Ok, if you come back to see me, that'll be great. I'd like that a lot. If you don't, then thank you for today" she told me.
I stood up and put my phone away, held out my arms and asked her if I could have a hug.
She looked at me frozen in place, eyes wide, mouth open like she saw a ghost, and seemed to breathe a little faster suddenly.
I do get that a lot, but it didn't seem like the usual "starstruck" reaction. This seemed like....she was scared.
"It's ok. Maybe next time" I quickly told her, hoping to get her out of her shock.
"I......it's......I don't.......I can't hug...I.......ok...maybe next time....yes. Sorry", she managed to spit out very uncomfortably. She can't hug? What does that mean?
"That's alright, no problem! See you later Janel, ok?" I said once more as I turned to go.
"Ok Harry. Thank you", she said. "Bye."
And I began the rushed walk to the radio station.
A/N:
As in my other story, Cross My Heart, I wrote this a while back, and wrote it with a general name for the main character, as it didn't start out as a fanfic. But then I decided it'd be great as Harry, so as I post chapters, I'm editing all the "bad words", by putting periods in the middle of them, to try and keep this as a non ma.ture rating, so readers can actually find and discover my story.
I'm also going through and changing the name of the main character from "Ian", to "Harry".
So if you notice that I missed an "Ian" anywhere in any chapters, please let me know, so I can fix it!!
And if you haven't, feel free to check out my other completed story, called "Cross My Heart".
Thanks for reading!
:)