❝
Dear Liam,
I thought when we started drifting apart that it was because I was burdening you and Danielle. Funny enough, she actually knew about my feelings for you before I completely accepted them. Well you're never going to see this so I can say whatever I want right? Liam James Payne, I like you, a lot, like in "that" way. As if you couldn't see that coming. I would say I love you, but those words still kind of scare me. If I say I love you, it might make me fall harder, and my feelings for you are already painful enough as it is. You see, I thought it was normal to care about your best mate more than anyone or anything else in the world. I thought it was normal to feel like you would jump in front of a train for your best mate and do it a hundred times over if that's what it took. It's only after we stopped talking that I realized what you were to me. I felt like everything in my life lost meaning and for the longest time I refused it had anything to do with you. It was only when Danielle approached me after school that I stopped denying my feelings for you. Beautiful girl, Danielle. I'm thankful that if a girl had to come between us it was her. She was so kind to me, you wouldn't expect that from the person who was dating the one you're in love with. We talked about you a lot, only good things. I promise. One day I got really carried away and ended up telling her everything, like word vomit.
She started crying, and I didn't understand why until exactly two weeks later. I'm sorry, Liam. I'm sorry.
❞
After school Liam invited me to go with Danielle and him to the Soda Parlor. The "Soda Parlor" is a shop that sells amazing ice cream floats and shirts and stuff. It was opened by a man called Olan who was a friend of Liam's sister. He was really eccentric and funny when he took our orders. We all laughed and for the first time I wondered if maybe you dating Danielle wasn't the worst thing in the world. The feeling only lasted for a second before your fuzzy jacket brushed my hand and goosebumps shot down my arms. I don't like the effect you have on me Liam, it's too much.
Ever since that night at your house you've been very conscious about me and making sure that I wasn't left out. You kept turning to me or saying things like, "That reminds me of when Z and I..." or "Zaynie, you were there right?"
I kept catching Danielle looking at me, and it was one of those stares where I felt like she knew something. Something I hardly even knew. My heart beat just a bit harder, and I swore she could hear it as Liam came back from his car. He insisted on paying so I obliged. When we left the shop, I made my way towards the backseat of Liam's car, but Danielle said that I should take the front. I said okay, and we played good music all the way to my house, Liam was dropping me off first because I was closest. I thanked them for letting me hang around and Liam said of course-- of course. Walking into my house I began to wonder about those two and why they were acting so weird around me. I found out the answer soon enough.
~~
As the school year peddled along, final exams approached. You were so stressed, trying to get all your A Levels, which was ridiculous because you're the smartest person I've ever met.
They came and went, Liam passed with flying colors, probably the best in our class. Needless to say I got to say "I told you so". His grades didn't come without a price; he got really sick once the stress caught up with him. The next few days at school I hung out with Dani at lunch. I missed Liam a lot, so I just kind of went through the motions. Dani had tests coming up, and she asked me one day after school if I could study with her. I told her it wasn't a problem, I wasn't training with Marshall until four o'clock. Nobody bullied me after the incident the year before, but I began to like boxing, and I had seen all the Rocky Balboa movies a thousand times.
Back to the story.
We were sitting under the big Sycamore tree in the park. Dani was doing really well in all subjects except for advanced chemistry.
"Uh, I'll never get this in time!"
"You'll do alright, just work on the sig figs."
Her phone buzzed in her backpack, she pulled it out and smiled before tapping away on her phone.
"Sorry," She said, looking at me like she forgot I was here for a second. "Liam says he's feeling better. Maybe he'll be at school tomorrow."
I smiled before closing up her chemistry textbook and passing it over to her.
"How long have you and Liam known each other?" She asked unexpectantly.
"Forever, pretty much," I said, easily recalling that day in class when he complimented my drawing. "He was the only person who was nice to me in grade two. We used to draw together all the time and look at comic books. And his family is amazing too, they've always been very accepting of me."
"I'm not surprised, that sounds very Liam."
"Yeah," I said, enjoying the topic of conversation. "And did you know that when I answered a question wrong in class in grade five and everyone laughed at me, he said that my answer was right when he knew it wasn't, and all the kids stopped because they believed him."
"Wow, you remember that?" She asked, pushing a stray piece of hair behind her ears.
"The best was when Liam made this kid who was awful to me carry my books for the day or else they couldn't be friends anymore. Liam has always been like that," I said, the words escaping my mouth before I could edit them. "He loves everyone so everyone loves him. And he liked me because I was different instead of hating me for it."
"You really love him, don't you?" She asked quietly.
"More than anything," I said without hesitation. I wanted to take the words back immediately after I said them, because she could tell how much I meant it.
"I think I should go," She said, grabbing her backpack and throwing it over her shoulder.
"No, wait. I-I didn't mean it like that."
"Like what? You know I always had a suspicion but I didn't want to believe it was true."
"But it's really not like that?"
"You said that already," She looked really upset, and I didn't understand. Why should she care what I think about him? He doesn't think about me like that. In my eyes he couldn't be more in love with her.
"I need to go home, thanks for helping me study. You're really very smart," And with that she left. The wind tossed her hair in every direction as she pressed the button on her keys that unlocked the door.
And then I went to the gym. Marshall tried to push me as hard as he could but my mind kept going back to the conversation in the park. Is she disgusted with me? Is she uncomfortable? Will she tell everybody? Will she tell Liam?
Oh God, will she tell Liam?
I was working on the speed bag when Marshall stopped me.
"Okay, what is going on man? You almost missed the bag more than you hit it?"
"Sorry, coach," I said, regaining my breath.
"Is it a girl?"
Well, in this case yes. So I answered-
"Sure."
"Remember, women weaken legs. Now hit the showers, I'll see you tomorrow," He clapped me on the back and now even when I was exhausted I was strong enough to take it without stumbling forward.
When I saw myself in the gym showers, I wasn't as scrawny and thin as I used to be. I definitely wasn't Liam, but I didn't look at myself with disgust anymore. I was going to pull out my phone to see if Liam had texted me, but Marshall walked in.
"Hey, kid. You ready to go? I gotta lock up."
"Yeah, be right there."
Despite my drivers license, I took the bus to and from school and Marshall's every day. My parents took their cars to work and I didn't really mind the trains and buses. I saw a lot of different people on those journeys and I liked to create stories for them sometimes.
There is this old woman who I see every day carrying the biggest purse you've ever seen with her. I call her Martha in my head, but I give my seat to her if there are none left. She gives me a warm, jack-o-lantern smile and I smile back. I think we could be friends.
There's another man, tall and middle-aged with graying hair and a lintless suit. He looks like a Harvey to me, and he usually just keeps his eyes on his newspaper.
Today I saw these two kids, probably siblings. The boy had Danielle's curly hair and the girl had Liam's brown eye. They were fighting for their mother's attention who was trying to shush them and continue reading her book. The boy looked sad, and I remembered how upset Danielle was earlier. So I sent you a text, the text said "read" immediately but you didn't write anything, almost like you were just about to text me. I told myself to not be ridiculous, because I never saw those three dots showing you were typing. It had been two weeks since Danielle had found out about my feelings for him, and I was terrified that he knew somehow. I stared at the screen, trying to telepathically communicate with him. But he must not have heard. I guess the line was busy. It was the night that Danielle drove to his house and ended things formally. I guess it was really hard for both of them. And while I hated to see him so miserable, I know this was my chance to fix things with Liam. To finally get back to how we were before.