The next day, Jasper couldn't make himself go to any of his classes. Immediately after stepping off the bus, he found places to be other than a classroom. He spent his morning in a bathroom ducking away from teachers, or wandering the halls. When lunch slots began, and the doors for seniors were opened up, he snuck back out, but to a different spot. He didn't want to run into any of those kids again, or anybody.
Midway through lunch, he felt someone approaching him from behind. He'd decided to camp on a picnic table near the football field. He turned to see Dahlia, and when their eyes met, she looked as surprised as he felt.
"What are you doing out here? This isn't even your lunch," Dahlia said.
Jasper shrugged, "What're you doing? You're not a senior."
Dahlia stood, "I.. I come here to smoke."
"Gross fucking habit," Jasper muttered.
Dahlia took one out of a pack and lit it, holding the cigarette in her mouth and using one hand to block the flame from the wind. When it was lit, she stuck the lighter back into her purse and took a drag. "It is. Never start smoking."
Jasper huffed and angled himself away from her. He'd come out here specifically not to be bothered.
Dahlia sat down on the other side of the picnic table, facing him, "I see you're not in any better a mood than the other day."
"I wanna cancel the tutoring today." Jasper rested his head on the table.
"I do have a schedule. We've got to have a session today or else you'll be all backed up on work, especially considering you're missing whatever class you're supposed to be in right now."
"I can cancel if I want."
"'Fraid it's up your parents, as they were the ones to start this up." Dahlia dragged from her cigarette again. "What's got you so down, anyway?"
"None of your fucking business."
Dahlia sighed, "You never know, maybe I could help you if it's a problem you're having. It is my job."
Jasper didn't respond. He kept his head on the table. At least this way he was avoiding the smoke.
Dahlia didn't say anything, either. She had her cigarettes in peace, flicking them to the grass one by one when she was done and stamping them out until she had a nice little row. She pulled a water bottle from her purse and took a sip.
"It's dating bullshit," Jasper said when he couldn't stand it any longer.
"Mhmm?" Dahlia said.
"There's this.. this guy," it occurred to Jasper that he'd never even told anyone he was dating a guy. Nobody but David and a few close friends were aware of the relationship.
"Yeah?" Nothing in Dahlia's voice betrayed a reaction. Jasper glanced up. She was just looking at him with her usual, slightly interested and ready to work expression.
"And I don't want to.. do anything. At all. And he thought it meant I just didn't like him. But that isn't true. But maybe it is? How can you like someone and feel wrong doing anything with them? And we broke up. And that's it."
"Hmm.." was all Dahlia responded with. When she didn't say anything immediately, Jasper groaned.
"This was stupid. I don't even know why I said anything. We aren't friends," He said and lifted his head up from the table. She'd stopped smoking, and just rested her head on her hands with her elbows propped on the picnic table.
"Is this something you think you can fix? Did you break up with this guy, or vice versa?"
"Vice versa.."
"And you're not sure you even like him?"
"I.. No. I don't know. I do."
"Not romantically though?"
"No. Wait, yes. I like him like that."
"But you aren't ready to be intimate?"
Jasper felt the tips of his ears to the apples of his cheek getting red hot, "No. I just.. I don't think I ever want that. With anyone."
"I see," she nodded
"See what?"
She shrugged, "That it's a tough situation. Did you explain this all to him?"
"Yes."
"Then, I don't think there's anything you can do. If the two of you aren't on the same page things can't work out."
Jasper frowned. She seemed right. She was usually right. But that was academics. She wasn't allowed to be right about everything.
"But I.. I don't know. I don't what to do now. Should I just quit dating? And what about coming out to my parents? I was going to but now what do I say? 'Hey mom and dad, I'm a fucking mystery'?"
"That's a bit of a different problem altogether, I suppose. Are you planning to come out to them?"
"I don't know. I don't know how. I was going to introduce them but that's all gone to shit."
"Well. If you do, you can still say that you're interested in men, can't you?"
"I guess. I don't know." Jasper shook his head. "I can't come out now."
Dahlia frowned. "Okay. Do you know if they'd be supportive or not?"
"They'll fuckin' hate it."
"Oh," she said, "Then that makes it all the more tricky, doesn't it?"
"Why are you talking like that? Stop acting like we're working through a math problem or some shit."
"We're working through a problem of sorts. What do you think the biggest issue in this is? The guy or your parents?"
"My parents, I guess."
"What do you think they'll do if you do tell them?"
"There's not even anything to tell them! They'd probably be glad I'm going to be fucking celibate!"
"Is that what you'd say?"
"No. I'd tell them I'm gay."
"What do you think they'd say?"
"How the fuck should I know?"
Dahlia sighed and looked down at the table, "I'm only trying to help, here. Do you want me to?"
"Yeah," Jasper covered his face with his hands. His face felt so hot. He was going to combust.
"So, with your best judgement, what do you think they would say?"
"I don't know. That's the problem, I don't know. They hate it."
"Do you still want to tell them?"
"No. No, I won't."
"Okay," Dahlia nodded. The bell rang and she stood up. "Are you going to come inside?"
"It's my lunch, now."
She nodded again, "All right. I'll see you for tutoring."
Jasper groaned and put his head back down. At least instead of being sad, he just felt embarrassed. Coming out was still an issue. His parents were going to set him up with his cousin if he didn't have a date for his junior prom. He was planning to go with David, so that was the original reason he was even going to come out, but now there was the drive to do it minus the reason. No motivation. Fear had taken him.
When the next bell rang, he did return inside and walked into his next class. He continued the day at a bare minimum, and at his study hall, he was stuck thinking of what to do, if anything at all. In his thought, though, he again didn't realize when the bell rang. He missed the bus. There was no way home besides walking. He went back to the student lot to see if anyone at all was still leaving. There were ten or so cars in the lot in all.
He waited by the door as people filtered out. Two seniors he didn't know walked out before she did. Dahlia. A savior in a pink dress.
"Hello," she said kindly, as if they hadn't had another conversation earlier.
"Hey. Um. I missed the bus."
"Oh no," she frowned.
"Can I get a ride home, since you're going to show up to tutor me, anyway?"
She thought for a moment, then said, "I have two appointments before you.With the first one, I wouldn't have time to drop you off first."
"That's fine. I could just wait in the car or something."
Dahlia frowned, "I'm sure you could come in. I just need to warn you that it would be a long wait."
"That's fine. That's fine, I just need a way home."
"Okay," she shrugged. She led him to her car, an old beat up beige economy car. They got in and didn't say much as she drove to her first session. When they made it to the first house, she had Jasper follow her in like it was nothing, and he sat by while she tutored a freshman girl.
The same routine followed while she tutored another freshman. Was he the only upperclassman she tutored? Maybe it was best not to ask.
Finally they drove back to Jasper's home. They went in and Dahlia started to get things going. Jasper had no work to do. He'd skipped over everything for two days.
"There's nothing you can grab online?"
"No."
Dahlia sighed, "Well this is a wasted session. We can review old tests you've done."
"Fine," Jasper pulled all his test papers out of his bag and handed them to her to look through.
They got back into the swing of things and continued with review of his old materials. Some tests he needed to retake, anyway.
Partway through one of the last failed tests, Jasper said, "I think I'm going to tell them."
"Oh. I hope it goes well then," Dahlia nodded, then went back to the work.
"Do you think I should go through with it, for real?"
"If you think that it's the right thing to do, then yes. But right now there is work to do."
They continued the work until the session ended. Jasper began putting all of his stuff back in its place, and Dahlia gathered her own things to leave.
"What if they really do hate me?" Jasper asked.
"Do you truly think they will?"
"They might. What if they do?"
"I don't know, Jasper. I hope it all goes well for you. I'm sure that it will. I need to get to my next session, but I'm rooting for you."
Jasper nodded. Dahlia left, and he was left to wait for his parents. As a child, he had learned that this was wrong, and that anyone who practiced this form of love was wrong. But he wasn't exactly in love, and he hadn't exactly practiced anything so far. His parents had always been supportive of him, so even with their shaky past on the subject, Jasper remained hopeful.