It was a few seconds before the blindingly hypnotizing light finally faded away, and the seven intruders and diabolical fish had regained their sight. Mack Salmon stared in eagerness at his old foes, and the four and a half gems, to see if his creation's hypnotizing light had some sort of effect on them.
"Well?" Mack finally asked. "How do you feel?"
The air stood still with tension as he awaited the response of his hopeful new thralls. However, he was met with his response as the seven of them drew their weapons -and Peridot drew her stick- and glared down the Salmon Prince of Crime.
"Now I'm gettin' hungry for fish sticks!" Amethyst licked her lips hungrily as she prepared her whip.
"I take my fish tenderized and hollering like a sick wildebeest for mercy... Like my men," Max grinned.
Mack's jaw dropped. "What?! That's impossible!! No one can resist the enthralling power of McGuffinite!!" He glared at the gems. "You Crystal Gems must be immune to its power!" His glare turned towards a certain dog and rabbity-thing. "And you two... Well science can't explain what it is with YOU two!"
"So says the talking fish in the mechanical suit," Pearl added with a smirk.
Finally, Mack turned to Steven. "But what about HIM? He IS human, afterall!"
"NOT correct!" Steven exclaimed. "I'm only HALF human! The rest of me is half gem, and AAAALLLLL Steven! And this little Steven-y package isn't gonna let some meanie-butt fish take his friends away!" Steven puffed his chest out again, holding tightly to his shield.
"Oooooh! Shut down by the Ste-squad!" Amethyst cheered.
But rather than grimace in defeat, Mack only smirked. "Half human, eh? Very well then... Steven, slap yourself!"
"Wait, what?" Steven looked puzzled. "Why would I slap myself? I'm not gonna slap my-"
THWACK!!!
Before he could finish his protest, Steven found himself slapping himself in the face! "Ow! I slapped myself in the face!"
"Steven! Why did you do that," Pearl asked, concerned.
"I... I don't know. It's like the minute he ordered me to do that, my hand just acted on its own!" Steven was starting to get scared.
"And that's only the beginning," Mack's smirk grew larger. "Steven, attack yourself!"
Before Steven could protest, his hands started to move on their own again. They slapped his face, they pulled his hair, they even punched him in his own stomach. The gems, Sam, and Max watched in horror as their Steven faced off against his assailant... His own two hands!
"Steven! Stop hurting yourself!" Garnet pleaded. She HATED watching her cutie pie harm himself.
"I can't!" Steven wailed. "I can't stop myself! Why am I doing this to me?! After all we've been through! I thought me and I had a special bond! OW!"
"What did you do to him?!" Pearl shouted at the smirking fish.
"What you're witnessing is the effect of my McGuffinite's hypnotic trance." Mack gloated. "While it would appear that gems -and those two bumbling incompetents- are immune to its enthralling glow-"
Peridot gasped. "But Steven's a human/gem hybrid! So... That means his brain is still functional, but he's-"
"Trapped in his own body by some aquatic purloiner of the people's free will," Sam finished. "Terrifying. Poetic... In a Scalzi science-fictiony kind of way."
"You just like saying 'purloiner,' don't you?" Max asked.
"...Yeah, so?"
"And that's not all I can do," the malicious grin on Mack's lips grew wider. "Steven!" Steven suddenly stopped his assault on himself, much to his -and the gem's- relief. But Mack wasn't finished, "All the cops in the donut shop say-"
"Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh," Steven suddenly blurted out. He covered his mouth, not having any idea where that came from, while Mack just cackled evilly.
"THAT'S IT!" Max growled angrily, "Nobody forces kids to quote 'Walk Like an Egyptian' in front of ME and lives!!" He and Sam pulled out their guns and pointed them at Mack Salmon's bowl, the gems held their ground with their own weapons.
"Leave our Steven alone!" Pearl demanded. "If you hurt him, I swear I'll-"
"You're in no position to be making demands to me, madame!" Mack hissed. "If either one of you try to bring any harm to me... I'll force Steven to turn his shield on his neighbors!!"
"You'll make me say wha-?!" Steven asked nervously, already feeling his arm raise his shield like a Greek throwing disc.
"Uh... W-wait! You can't make him do that," Amethyst hastily protested. "You make him waste them, then who's gonna build your stupid robots?"
"Hmm, excellent point," Mack considered... Then smirked again. "However, nothing says I can't make the lad turn his shield on HIMSELF!!!"
The gems gasped in horror.
"Holy cripes on burnt toast soaked in kerosene! A loophole!" Sam exclaimed in alarm.
Steven started to sweat. "Uh... Can I have a say in this?"
"No. Now raise your shield to your throat!" Mack commanded.
Steven had no choice but to do so as he said... And raised the shield near his throat. The almost-metallic magical shield was mere inches away from Steven's soft, vulnerable throat... And nobody dared to breathe.
"P-please, Mr. Fish... Salmon creature," Pearl pleaded, shaking in fright. "Don't do anything hasty."
"I won't if you won't," Mack sneered. "If any of you try to harm me... Well, I hope young Steven wasn't too attached to his head!"
"But I like this head," Steven whined.
"Oh what delicious irony!" Mack Salmon cackled again. "He's an assassin, AND a hostage rolled into one slightly portly package!"
"Portly?!" Steven pouted. "Wait, what does 'portly' mean?"
Max scowled at Mack. "So, not only is he a B-list villain with a Hannibal Lecter personae, but he's a bully, too!"
"Well that just tears it!" Sam growled. "We Freelance Police really draw the line at bad eggs toying with our nation's youth!"
"And our minerals! ... And our half mineral/half youths, or... Something!" Max added.
"Will you two blithering nitwits just SHUT UP!?" Mack groaned. "Oooh, why can you not just perish already!? You'd be better off fading off into obscurity where you belong! The world would be better off without Sam & Max!!!"
Sam's ears fell flat against his head in sadness as a pained expression painted his face.
"Gee, and here I thought our monthly runarounds were meaningful."
Max looked unusually pained as well. "Wow... I didn't think I still had any feelings, but there they are."
Steven's jaw dropped in shock at what he had heard.
"Better off without Sam & Max!?"
That was the straw that broke the camel's back; it was one thing to threaten him... But NOBODY insulted his family OR his friends! He grunted as he turned his head towards Mack.
"Now you listen here, Fish...face-"
"Uh-uh-uh," Mack warned. "I'd choose my next words carefully if I were-"
"Just SHUT UP and let me say something!" Steven yelled... Everyone, including Mack, was taken aback by Steven raising his voice like that. Nevertheless, Mack complied and let Steven continue.
"Look, it was really, REALLY weird that Sam & Max showed up today! We never met anyone like them-"
Amethyst pondered, "Wait, what about that one weird old guy who-" Pearl elbowed Amethyst to keep her quiet while Steven continued.
"-But that doesn't mean we're better off without them! We need more guys like Sam & Max. We need more tall chubby dog guys and short rabbity-things that aren't afraid to have fun and act crazy when on a mission. Sure they're really weird, but I bet out there, in that 'multiverse' they told us about, there's a bunch of guys who think WE'RE weird too!"
"Us weird?" Amethyst scoffed.. "Pssh. Yeah right! Can you imagine?" Garnet and Pearl just looked at each other awkwardly.
"Wow," A perplexed Peridot said. "Steven must really care for those two."
"Steven cares about A LOT of people... That's why he's so great." Garnet added, a tiny smile appearing on her lips.
"Gee, Sam," Max sniffled. "I think I've got something in my eye."
"Well don't pick at it, Max." Sam warned, "It's too hard to get back in the socket."
Steven smiled proudly that the gems and the Freelance Police were listening to him... But he glanced over at Mack and saw that the devious fish was getting bored. Steven had to think fast; one false move, and Mack Salmon would force him to turn his shield on his own neck! He looked around the control room to try and find something that could give him an idea; he looked at the line of zombie workers, he looked at the McGuffinite monster, he looked at the fish droids, and finally he glanced between the gems and Sam and Max.
Then, inspiration struck! He shifted his gaze between Garnet, Sam, and Max; the wheels turned in his head slowly. Finally, a big dopey smile graced Steven's face as an idea popped into his head. He turned to Mack.
"Say, Mack... I've got a deal for you!"
"What kind of a deal?" Mack asked, suspicious yet intrigued.
"What if I volunteer to be one of your robot-making zombie guys on my own?" Steven offered, with a smirk.
"Steven!!" Pearl gasped. "You cannot be serious!!"
"Hmmm... Submit to my will voluntarily?" Mack pondered. "Not as deliciously ironic, but still refreshing. But what do you desire in exchange?"
"In exchange for.... Me getting to dance with Sam or Max?"
"Ah, it would appear that inside Steven lies a beaconing light of a dancer to... wait, wha?" Sam double-checked on what Steven had just said.
"Dancing? You wish to dance with those two incompetent ignoramuses?! You're about to join a lifetime of servitude to Mack Salmon, and your last request is to dance with-"
"STEVEN DANCE WITH POLICE!!!" Steven demanded loudly.
"Fine!" Mack groaned. "If you wish... Release your shield and... Dance with Sam or Max."
At Mack's command, Steven finally regained control of his arms and lowered his shield away from his throat. Everyone let out a huge sigh of relief.
"Thank goodness!" Pearl exclaimed.
"Very deceptive work, Steven." Peridot commended. "So, what is the catch of this 'dancing' trick?"
Steven raised an eyebrow in confusion. "What catch? I said I wanted to dance with Sam or Max, and I'm gonna!"
"You were serious?" Pearl asked, turning to Garnet. "Garnet, can you believe that he'd-"
"Shhh." Garnet shushed Pearl. "I say... Let Steven dance." Underneath her shades, she shot Steven a knowing wink, which Steven returned with a smile.
"Should I get the car started since the gems must've cracked or something?" Max asked Sam.
"Hold that thought, Max." Sam said. "Obviously Steven and the gems know something about this dancing gobbledygook that we don't."
"Will there be wanton destruction involved?" Max asked hopefully.
"We can only hope, little buddy. But which of us will give disregard to our self-respect and join Steven in shaking our body lines?"
"I've seen your body line shake, Sam..." Max shivered. "I think Steven's too young to have his tortured eyes scooped out with a spork."
"Okay, fair enough," Sam shrugged. "Max will dance with you, Steven!"
"YAY!" Steven cheered. He got into an awkward dancer pose and held out his hand. "How about it, Max? Will you join me with a dance?"
"Oh alright," Max rolled his eyes. "But keep your hands where I can see them, and don't touch my adorable fuzzy butt!"
"Double swearsies on no butt-touching!" Steven promised.
Max smirked. "You ever dance with a lagomorph in the pale cavern light?"
"Uh... No?"
"Then let's pray!" Max clapped his paws together, preparing to make the first move.
Suddenly, as though the music was playing from nowhere, a fast paced spanish rhythm bounced its way into Steven and Max's systems. It was slow at first, Steven bouncing at his legs and Max shaking his cottontail'd booty; but it started to pick up. Steven's dance moves were clumsy, but he kept in rhythm as he gyrated and shook his body fiercely to the tune only he and Max could hear. Max's legs wildly kicked and waved about, moving as unpredictably as his personality... At one point, just to show off, he started moonwalking on his ears -Sam covered Amethyst's eyes at this.
Finally, Max and Steven's hands conjoined and they pulled each other close, looking outwards as an intense look painted both of their faces as they stepped forward, matching each other step for step. As they separated, Steven spun around Max multiple times until Max tossed Steven into the air. Steven spun in the air multiple times while Max yawned and checked his watch... Where he was keeping that watch is none of the others' business; finally, Max held his arms out as Steven plummeted back towards the ground, landing safely in the lagomorph's arms.
What happened next, no one could still believe... Except for a certain perma-fusion. The minute Steven was caught by Max, the two of them were enveloped in a piercing white glow. The two white glowing blobs were brought closer together into one giant glowing shape... The shape grew taller and taller until it was only a hair taller than Garnet.
"You fools... what have you done!?" Mack Salmon screamed, alarmed.