I sit on the staircase, and open the gallery of my phone – browsing through the pictures of my trip with Niall. Nearly in all the pictures, I find Niall smiling with his eyes crinkling in the process like usual. I rub my thumb on the screen, and smile too. I relive every moment of the trip at the back of my mind, and feel anxiety and pain in a fresh, new way. Niall's shinning, blue eyes accelerates my heartbeats and I realize for the umpteenth time what a beautiful person he is, not to forget how lucky I'm to be his. All those weeks we spent fighting, bashing and literally hating each other feels such a laugh right now. Only if we could add those lost days in our present time, I could get Niall with me for a little more – just a little more.
I bend my head down, burying it within my palms as the realization of Niall's nearing end strikes me. Just then, my phone buzzes into a song and I see my sister's number flashing on the screen. I widen my eyes because she's supposed to be at school at this time. I pick up at the fourth ring regardless.
"Hey," I say, scratching the back of my head.
"Hi, ssup?" she sounds like smiling.
I bite my lower lip. "Nothing, just in office. Where are you?"
"Home."
"Home?" I knit my brows.
"Yeah, it was a rainy day today."
I close my eyes briefly and laugh. "Ohh, I see."
"So, how's life out there?"
I take a deep breath as my mind shoots back to Niall. It's such an irony that after Piyush when I did fall in love with someone so great instead of being happy my heart is breaking into pieces. In normal situation, I would've screamed out and told my sister that I'm in love, so deeply in love. But, all I could do is put my lips in between my teeth and feel a lump inside my throat.
My sister somehow senses my numb tone. "Are you alright?" she asks.
I sniff and shake my head as if urging her to see me from so many miles away, and give me a much needed hug – telling me that Niall will be fine, he'll stay and we'll be just okay.
When I break out of my thoughts, I sniff for the third time. "Yeah," I gasp.
"You don't sound okay," she replies, her voice vibrating concern.
I lick my lips, and rub a hand on my forehead. "I'm fine, baby."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," I nod and gasp. "Enough about me. How's school treating you?"
"School is good. Home is good. My life isn't because I miss you too much."
I laugh. "Aww, my baby. I miss you too."
"When are you coming home?" she asks.
"I...I don't know, honey. Maybe in November," I bite my lower lip, nearly breaking into tears.
"Cool," she screams a bit in elation. "Listen, I gotta go now. I'm going out to Nicco Park with my friends, so I'll talk to you later, alright?"
I smile, and nod my head. "Okay, have fun."
"Bye, love you," she says.
"Love you too, bye," I retort as she quickly hangs up.
When I put the phone away from my ear, and look at the ground I realize a tiny drop of tear rolling down my cheek. I sniff and wipe it off.
"Hey," a very heavy voice addresses me.
I quickly lift my head up and find Steven standing in front of me. He looks deep into my eyes, searching for something like I've always known him to do.
"Hi," I break out my gaze and look down again.
"May I sit beside you?"
I don't utter a word, but only nod. He stands quiet for sometime before taking a place beside me on the stairs. Our bodies are in very close proximity, and it makes me feel immensely uncomfortable. Therefore, scooting over a tad, I glare at the blue sky and the moving clouds. From the corner of my eyes, I catch Steven staring at me with lost eyes.
"Can we not talk now also?" he asks, out of the blue.
I can't help, but meet my gaze with him. My brows pull closer to each other as I lick my lips.
"Why do you think that?" I ask him back.
He shrugs. "Just reasons. Your boyfriend doesn't really like me,"
I laugh, and shake my head. "I don't blame his reasons, Steven." I lock my sight with him again.
He appears stunned as his lips part. The next thing I know is his arms travelling around my shoulders, and his breaths aerating on my ear.
"What do I need to do for your forgiveness, Nadia?" he mutters.
I widen my eyes and shoot daggers at him.
"You cannot touch me," I say and shift more aside. "And, you definitely don't know anything, Steven. Nothing," I plunge my head within my palms, and start sobbing.
"Then tell me," he urges.
I look at him with watery eyes before breaking the gaze. "Niall is sick," I whisper. "He....he has stage 4 lung cancer."
As the last words leave my mouth, I feel my heart simply cut open into multiple pieces. I don't know why on earth I tell Steven the reality of my life when I didn't even tell my sister.
He doesn't utter anything for so long that I stare at him once again. I find him looking down with furrowed eyebrows.
My lips quiver, and chest vibrates inward and outward as I continue, "I got to know only a few weeks before."
"How long has he had cancer?" Steven finally speaks.
"9 months," I bite my lower lip.
He looks at me and stays mum for split seconds. "Hey," he keeps a hand on my shoulder. "Everything will be fine, trust me."
I cry incessantly now. "It's such an easy sentence, isn't it? We can say that if we lose our job or suffer heartbreak. But, how am I supposed to accept that he won't be in this world anymore? I won't be able to see his face anymore, hold....hold him anymore...."
I break down. Steven rubs a hand on my knee now.
I swallow and resume, "He doesn't deserve this, any of these. He is a wonderful person, and I love him so much. I....I don't know if I can make it out without him. I don't....don't know."
"Are you crazy? He'll be fine, Nadia. Just don't lose hope," he pats on my back.
I sniff and lock sight with him. "Every day, I see him crush. One bit at a time. I...I feel like staying awake the whole night, so if he tries to leave me I can hold him close to my heart and....show him....how much I want him, I need him, I love him. I've never been scared of sleep as much as I'm now. I've never hated the night as much as I do now.
You know...every night when he sleeps beside me, I feel like a failure. I despise myself for not being able to do anything, and only waiting for the doctor to say it's over, and just confine to it."
"Sometimes life doesn't really leave many choices for you," Steven replies.
"I want more choices for him because he is only 23. He should live, he should be happy and not in pain," I cry even more, and continue, "Every time I see him, I feel like doing some kind of miracle – just something that will cure him, take away his pains and make him stay. Is that crazy?" I lock my gaze with Steven.
He shakes his head, and wipes away my tears with his thumb. "No, of course not."
I stare down and give myself time to cry while Steven keeps rubbing circles on my back. I rest my elbows on my knees and bury my head in my hands as my wet cheeks wet my palms too.
"What are the doctors saying?" he asks after sometime.
I lift my head up and meet my eyes with him. My vision feels extremely blurry, but I open my mouth to answer him anyway.
"There's this new drug from Germany that Niall took the first doze off. The test results haven't yet come, so we don't know whether it'll work or not, but if it does he has to take 5 more dozes," I retort.
"What's the success rate of this drug?"
I take a long breath and look at Steven, possibly with lost and numb eyes. "20%"
He looks deep into my eyes before staring down; his hands still rest on my shoulders.
"What about the UK and US?" he asks.
I shake my head. "The doctors have tried everything," I swallow and continue, "The cancer has spread everywhere in his body."
Steven tilts his head and runs his hand on my arm now. "You know you've got to be strong, right?" he meets our gaze again.
I put my lips in between my teeth, and nod with a forced smile. "Yeah."
"For him."
I smile wider as a tear rolls down my face. "Yes."
Steven nods and pats on my arm before both of us rise on our feet. I wipe all the tears away from my face, and we walk inside the office again. Although I have 2 more stories to write to reach the daily criterion of at least 5 stories my mind only goes back to Niall. I think instead of being at office I should be with him, and spend every moment with him. I know, I must've gone crazy but I don't really care.
Fighting my tensed mind and broken heart, I somehow pen down 4 stories for the day and find myself walking towards home at around 7.00 Pm. The cold winds slap my face, and mess with my hair. I speed up my pace and soon reach my building.
When I pass by Liam and Niall's apartment, I notice it's locked from inside. It's strange because neither of them returns home this early. My heart rates quicken and I ring the doorbell. I've no idea who is going to open it and what picture is awaiting me.
While I wait for the door to open I check my phone to see if either Liam or Niall or even Sophia texted or called me earlier. Finding nothing, my hands ring the doorbell for the second time.
"Hey," I land a knock on the door as well, my voice sounds shaky.
"Wait up," a faint voice answers me, and I can tell that it's Niall.
Soon, he opens the door and stands before me. The first thing that I see is his sapphire blue eyes turned absolutely cold and grey. There are dark circles encompassing his eyes, somewhat telling that he is very tired and in extreme pain. His hair is all messy and rough. He holds the edge of the door and stands by bending down a tad, breathing heavily.
I furrow my brows and grab him by his arms.
"What's wrong, baby?" I ask, leaning in.
He smiles, and wraps an arm around my waist. "I'm fine, Noddy. I'm okay," he nods his head and slowly glimpses at me.
I lock my sight with him and can literally see him coveting his pain for me. He smiles, but I know it's a forced one. Pain splits through his features and my heart aches so immensely that I feel like fainting any moment.
I help him turn around and walk up to the couch, so he can sit down.
"How come you're home so early?" I ask as Niall leans back and closes his eyes, breathing rapidly.
He doesn't utter a word for a few minutes, only licking his lips.
"Ahhmm," he straightens up and looks at me. "You must be exhausted. Why don't you go and change, we can talk afterwards, huh?"
I know from his looks, from his tone that he's hiding something –but somehow I don't pester anymore. Maybe his eyes have won my trust and I know he'll tell me eventually, hence I decide to wait until he feels okay.
"Okay," I nod and stand up. "I'll be back in a few minutes. Can you please promise me that you'll be okay until then?"
He smiles and sniffs before holding my hands. "Sure, darling," he plants a kiss on my hands.
I close my eyes briefly, feeling the wet touch of his lips on my skin. "Okay," I nod, and sigh.
Not wasting any further time, I quickly grab my bag and barge out of the apartment. Once I stand outside of my apartment, I hurriedly unlock the door and get inside – literally galloping towards the switchboard. I pant badly as I turn on the lights and enter my room. Fetching blue spaghetti top and black shorts, I rush inside the bathroom to take a shower.
Evidently, owing to my mind staying behind with Niall I spent minimal time on the shower and just run out. Once I grab my mobile and keys, I turn the apartment dark again and exit it. I don't know why, but my legs pick up a faster pace as if Niall is in some kind of danger.
I throw myself inside his apartment and shut the door behind me, finding my boyfriend coiled up on the couch. My eyes narrow and I cover my face with my hands. I walk up to him and see that he is browsing through his phone.
"Oh thank God," I sigh and kneel down in front of him.
"Hi, baby," he smiles and slowly sits up.
"Are....are you okay?" I ask, panting.
He smiles before breaking into coughs. "Yes, honey. I'm perfectly fine."
He grabs my hand and makes me sit beside him, arms crawling to rest around my shoulders.
"I missed you today," he smiles; somehow his eyes manage to dazzle even now.
I smile back. "I miss you all the time."
He furrows his brows. "That's impossible. Even now?"
I bite my lower lip and hug him tight. "Not anymore," and close my eyes. The warmth of his body gets soaked into mine.
He holds me back and kisses on my hair. "I feel a lot better this way."
I smile broadly and keep my ear on his chest, feeling his heart beating inside my eardrums. With every passing second, his heartbeats get heavier and louder. I pray to God to keep them beating and make him stay with me.
"I've to tell you something," Niall whispers, out of the blue.
I flutter open my eyes and remember that he is yet to tell me why he is home so early. I pull away and straighten up.
"Yes," I nod and lock my gaze with him, certain that my eyes reflect fear and anxiety.
He takes a deep and long breath before holding my hands tight. He looks down on our entwined hands and then locks gaze with me again. "I've instructed the doctors to stop my treatment."
As he finishes his sentence, I feel my world stop right at the moment.
He travels his hands to rest on the sides of my shoulders. "I need you to understand why I did this," he swallows and continues, "The report of my drug test is back and it didn't work. Doctor Singh said he wants to try again, but I know it won't work the second time either. I don't want to hassle for survival and miss my last few days in the process."
"You cannot decide that on your own," I grit my teeth, glaring down as warm tears make their out of my eyes.
"It's a fatal process, Noddy. I know. I can feel it.....I can see it."
My lips quiver as I squint my eyes and cry now. "Will you stop talking like this already? I don't want to hear."
"You've to listen to me, alright?" he raises his voice an octave as he cups my face within his palms. "I want to live, and I want to live through you. I want to spend the last few days I have with you. I want to make memories and give them to you because....that way we can be with each other forever."
Even in this dark moment, he manages to make me smile.
"I cannot begin to describe how lucky I'm to have met you. You.... I cannot believe I'm saying this" he laughs and resumes, "You made this journey less painful and easy."
I bend my head down and cry even more. I don't want to hear his words; they're plucking out my heart and stamping on it.
"So, are you asking me to just see you die?" I ask in between tears.
He laughs and licks his lips. "No, I'm not."
"Don't even think about it."
"No, I won't because I'm not. I'm not even asking you to say goodbye to me or write me a fucking eulogy like those cheesy books you're such a big fan of."
I laugh and bite my lower lip as my boyfriend does the same. "All I want is you. I want to be here with you for as long as possible."
I put my lips in between my teeth and embrace him in my arms. I cry incessantly at the crook of his neck as he rubs circles on my back.
"Are you in pain?" I ask, sniffing once I pull away.
Niall smiles, his eyes crinkling. "No, not even a bit."
I smile back. "I love you."
"I love you too, Noddy."
He leans in and merges our lips together. My teardrops enter our mouths as the kiss tastes quite salty, but we really don't care. I love feeling him so close to me, every part of him and his existence.
"Listen," Niall touches our foreheads together once we pull away. "I...ahh....I feel a bit sleepy, so I'm gonna go to bed, okay?"
I nod my head, sniffing. "Okay."
"You want me to order some food for you?"
I laugh, shaking my head. "I'm not that hungry. What about you?"
"I'm not that hungry either. I just want to sleep, feeling very exhausted."
I grab his hands, and rub a thumb on his skin. "You don't need to worry about me. You can go to bed now."
He smiles and softly pecks on my lips again. "Don't be late to bed."
"Okay," I smile back and help him rise on his feet.
I also help him walk till his room and climb up the bed. Once he goes inside the covers, I turn off the lights and kiss him goodnight.
Closing the door of his room shut, I stroll towards the couch and surrender myself on it. A glance at my mobile informs that it's 9.00 Pm. I dial Liam's number and put the phone on my ear, but strangely he disconnects the call at the third ring.
"Hi," I hear a voice from the back and I quickly turn around.
Liam stands before me, wearing a smile.
"Hi, I just called you," I reply.
"Yeah," he nods and turns around to shut the door. "I was just coming up."
He moves towards me and takes a place beside me on the couch.
"Where's Niall?" he asks, looking around.
"He went to bed. He was feeling sleepy," I answer.
Liam gasps, and locks sight with me. His eyes strangely carry the same countenance as that of his cousin.
"You know, right?" he asks.
And, I immediately know the reason why.
I nod.
He places his hands on mine and squeezes them. "You....you've got to be strong, okay?" his voice breaks, and his eyes become watery.
I put my lips in between my teeth and hug Liam, burying my face in the crook of his neck.
"It's just so damn hard," I start crying again.
He rubs a hand on my head. "I know, babe. I know. But, of all people you've to be strong and smile. That's his lifeline right now, you know that."
I can't retort to that, so only resort to crying.
Liam pulls away and tucks my unruly hair behind my ears.
"You know, Aunt Maura is so happy and grateful for you," he smiles.
I knit my brows and sniff. "Who?"
"Niall's mum, babe," he smiles from ear to ear.
I don't believe my ears. I haven't even ever talked to her. How is this even possible?
"I don't understand," I shake my head.
Liam scratches the back of his head. "I guess, there's a lot of nutshell to crack in here, isn't it?"
"I guess," I tilt my head.
"Our family, Nadia. My family and Niall's....we all....I mean they all live here in Bangalore. They've been here ever since Niall has been diagnosed. He told them about you, he told them that he loves you and if he at all has a chance he'd do that for you."
My eyes widen and I cover my mouth with my hands. Liam laughs at my expression and sniffs, wiping off his watery eyes.
"Why didn't he tell me?" I ask.
"He never believed you'd love him back. You were always this far-fetched dream for him who he silently and secretly loved."
I close my eyes briefly and then lock my gaze with Liam again.
"I want to meet your....both of yours family," I demand, pointing my index finger at him.
"Sure, anytime you want."
I bite my lower lip and smile, feeling immensely special at the moment.