Chapter Eighteen - I Didn't Want This To Happen
"You did what?" I hear Cynthia shriek at the top of her lungs, shooting me out of my slumber.
I groaned loudly, wiping my hands over my sleepy eyes. Memories of visiting my mother last night flashed in my mind and I knew I had to get up before it became overbearing. I slid out of my bed, still hearing Cynthia growling about something, at least it wasn't me this time.
After I pulled a long sleeve over my head and a pair of sweat pants, I thumped down the stairs to try and make sense of this racket going on. Actually, I think it just excited me to have someone else in this house get yelled at besides me.
I came down to the end of the stair case and the first thing I hear was my borther's voice. He stood in front of Cynthia as her jaw was flung open, and my father standing next to her as usual with his arms crossed over his chest, just listening in.
At least it's not hard to tell where Matty gets the whole, listen-in-and-watch-an-awful-scene-onfold-before-you're-eyes-and-barely-say-a-word thing.
"Cindy." Matty growled. "It was reasonable okay, she's my mother and I had the right to go see her." He argued.
Okay, now I wasn't so excited anymore. I was just about to turn and run back up the stairs, but I had been spotted.
"Jessalyn." Cynthia called me over and I cringed at her voice. I didn't want to deal with this right now, especially not this early.
"I can't believe you were so irresponsible, Matty." Our father blurted out, his eyes firm on Matty and full of concern for him. "Don't you realize what you could have gotten yourself into?"
"What? What's the worst that could happen she is in jail because she is a suspect for murder, and was loaded with drugs at the scene? It's not like she's getting out, I just wanted to see her, to know her before she rots in a jail cell."
"Murder?" Cynthia shot out loudly, clearly not aware of how dangerous Linda really is. "Oh god.
My father faced me, "Did you know about this?" His eyes narrowed. "About going to see her?"
I glanced briefly around the room before looking at him and I shrugged nonchalantly.
"Did you?" She pushed.
"He asked me to go, so I did. No big deal, were not going back, right Matty?"
My father's arms actually released themselves from his chest. "Why would you go there, you both finally got free from her. I loved her once but you two, especially you Jessalyn, should know that she is up to no good."
"I tried to tell him." I mumbled under my breath, not even loud enough for anyone to hear me.
Ergo, John kept talking. "I thought that you were trying to get away from all this, Jessalyn. Look at the bad influence she had on you before.."
Somehow that made me snap. "You think I wanted to go there? Seeing my mother was the last thing on this earth I wanted to do! I know how awful she is, okay, I did it for Matty. Don't even act like you care about the influence she had on me!" I yelled, causing everyone's eyes to grow wide and glare over at me.
"I'm sorry, Jessie." Matty turned to me apologizing with sincerity in his eyes as he touched my shoulder, making me flinch. I gave him a assuring nod that he was forgiven and looked back to John.
"I-" My father started.
"No. You don't have the right to do this to me. You aren't allowed to act like you're worried about me, that you care what happened to me when I was with Mom. You knew she was trouble and you didn't come looking for me, you didn't try to contact me. You were ashamed of me because of my behaviour, because other adults would give you dirty looks on the street or at the grocery store. So don't act like you were happy when I went off with Mom, you took that opportunity to bring back your reputation of a perfect family back. You didn't care what happened to me, so why would I believe that you do now?"
Everyone's jaws were ajar, staring at me as I blew up. My father bowed his head slightly, looking down at the ground. He knew it was true and that's what hurt the most. All that pain that I had pushed aside before had finally come out. I knew that they didn't care much about me and that killed me inside, like a knife through the core, slashing each organ on the way.
"Jessalyn, honey, it's not like that.." He trailed off, stumped on what to say. "We did care.."
"Then why are there no pictures of me around the house, huh?"
"After everything that happened, it was hard to look at them. Not because we were ashamed of you, but because it hurt to know the direction you chose and there was nothing we could do to stop it. I missed my little girl who used to get excited over ice cream and playgrounds rather than drugs and alcohol. I took them down to try and relieve some pain that reminded me that I failed as a parent." He tried to explain.
Part of me wanted to believe him, considering the sadness clouding his vision, but then the other part of me thought he was lying. How could I trust someone who had practically disowned and abandoned me before. I didn't care anymore that he was hurt because I was hurting for years.
"How do you know I chose that direction? You don't because you never bothered to ask, instead you just accused." I shot angrily.
I watched confusion wash over their eyes. John, Matty and Cynthia too.
"Jessalyn.." Cynthia started, taking a step towards me but I took a step back.
"No." I spat. "Just don't, okay? Don't you have somewhere to be?"
My father nodded slowly and I turned to stomp back up the stairs to my room. Matty was the first to dash out the door, he mumbled something about studying at the campus library today when we got home last night.
When I was almost out of view, I glanced behind me for a second, My father was checking is watch and then pulled in Cynthia for a hug. It seemed to last awhile but when they were finally pulling away, Dad was reaching for his keys.
I made it to my room and just as I was about to slam my door shut and scream, I was stopped by the sound of a voice.
"Jessalyn! Carson is here." John yelled up before shutting the front door behind him. It was as if nothing had just happened.
Of course, now Carson was here which made things a lot worse because I knew there was hurt in my eyes. My hands were shaking and tears were close to spilling from my eyes and I had just realized now. That was something that Carson would hold against me and try to force me to tell him.
I slumped down into my bed and wiped at my face with my hands, attempting to wash away the vulnerability in my appearance. I'm sure it wasn't working.
"Jessalyn, what's wrong?" Were the first words that had escaped Carson's mouth when he welcomed himself into my room, staring down at me.
When I glanced up, he was kneeling down at the end of the bed in front of me. He rested a hand on my leg. His eyes were full of that concern that I really wasn't digging at the moment. I still couldn't process why he cared so much about what happened to me.
"Don't worry about it." I snapped, shoving his hand away and standing up and pacing around the room.
"I am worrying."
"Well don't!"
"Why not?" He yelled, the fury in his voice reaching his eyes. I stared at him for a second. I was in a daze over his perfectly messy dark hair and the way he stood tall and muscular. I trying to remember the reason I was about to give him.
When I finally snapped out of it, the words were spilling out of my mouth. "Because I don't have much time left, okay? I'm leaving and it'll only make things harder."
"Jessalyn, you have lots of time. Graduation isn't until another two months." His eyebrows knit together, giving him a confused expression.
"You don't understand." I shot.
He sighed, "Then why can't you help me understand." He pleaded.
"Look, I had a little visit from a friend of my Mom's the other day. It's hard to say when I'm going to have to pull the pin on this town."
"You don't have to leave you know." He suggested completely ignoring the part where I said he didn't understand. That I wasn't in control of when I left.
I sighed because I wish it were that simple. "Yes. I do."
He groaned, running a hand through his hair messing it up even more. "Just tell me what is going on with you, please. Is it because of your Mom yesterday? Because I know that she's a bad person okay? I don't believe anything she says about you."
"You should."
"Why? You're not a bad person Jessalyn." He took a step closer to me, bringing us close.
"Yes I am." I fired back, trying desperately to push him away when all I wanted to do was pull him closer. That scared the hell out of me.
"Tell me, Jessalyn." He demanded, his voice firm and firey. I took a sharp intake of breath and gulped down. All I could do was shake my head 'no' because we were so close that my mind wasn't even functioning properly.
"Why do you even keep trying, you know I'm not going to tell you anything." I finally managed to cough up, my voice hoarse and coarse. "I'm trouble, okay? You don't want to hear about the horrible things I've done."
He groaned and I was just about to do the classic fold of his arms across his chest but stopped himself to keep my cornered. "You're not!" He shouted before he looked away, letting his voice soften. "I'm trying because I care, is that so hard to believe?"
"Yes! Okay? God, I'm not someone worth caring about. Look at us? You're mom was the only real family you had and you lost her, yet you're still a great guy and you make great grades. Most importantly you have the potential to me great. Me, on the other hand, I've been through some rough times but I still had the opportunity to take the high road, do the right thing but I never did. I'm a bad person okay. I never done the right thing because the right thing was just never me. I did drugs and I've even sold them, I got drunk out of my mind every night and slept around just like everyone always says. Why cant you for once just listen to everyone else and stay away from me. "
"And yet you're still here!" He hissed raising his voice again. "You can't tell me that you didn't want to change your life around."
"N-"
"Don't try to lie to me Lyn." He shot his expression showed that he was hurting and his eyes looking glum. "Don't try to tell me that you're not a good person, that you don't belong here or that everyone is right about you."
I sighed, "Cars-"
"Stop. I know you Jessalyn, better than anyone whether you want to admit it or not. I know that you still love your father, Cynthia, you still care about Jada after she's treated you like shit, hell even your mother after everything she's done. I've tutored you in every subject and I hugged you when you got that A yesterday you were so proud of. I was there when you were in trouble, I always stood up for you. I know than there's so much more to you than what everyone else sees. You have dreams and ambition. There is nothing you can do to convince me that I'm wrong about you."
"And there is nothing you can do to convince me to stay here, so why don't we just call it even." I remarked with the roll of my eyes.
"Nothing?" He asked through a clenched jaw as he quirked an eyebrow my way.
"Nothing."
"What about this?"
Then his soft lips were on mine faster than I could process. My face was being cupped by his two large warm hands and he closed the small space between us, pressing our bodies hard against each other. Every thought that was running wild in my brain vanished because every inch of my body was now feeling this sensation.
After the initial shock, I felt my lips slowly moving in sync with his. I felt the air cloud with passion and desire as my hands went up around his neck, toying with strands of his dark messy hair and his tongue darted into my mouth. The whole concept was driving me wild and I never knew that it could feel this pleasing. Each time I felt his lips press harder into mine it was like electricity was running through my veins and my breath quickened.
His hands travelled down my neck and through my hair, eventually trailing down my sides and my skin was pulsing with hunger and craze. It was like the whole world had faded away and it was just the two of us here together. My hands travelled up his back, feeling every muscle that covered it, loving the soft groan that escaped from the back of his throat.
He took that moment to slip his hand gently up the hem of my shirt, and when his fingers caressed the naked skin of my waist I couldn't help but break away from our lip lock to gasp. He didn't stop, his lips now drifted across my jaw and down my neck, all the way to my damaged shoulders. He kissed gently over each scar and my skin flushed with affection.
"Carson." I whispered softly into his ear and his lips came crashing back to mine, moving against mine in perfect time. There was a smile on his lips because it next to my own.
A growl rose up softly in my throat and I was pulling harder at his shirt, wanting to expose more of him, all of him. My fingers grazed lightly over each abdominal muscle. I couldn't even think, or realize what was happening between us because I was so caught up on his soft lips and his fingers running along my skin, they traced over my ribs and all over my back.
Finally I broke away to tug at his shirt while he helped me pull it over his head and toss it across the room. Immediately our lips were back together, burning with the sensation of lust. I could feel the way my heart pounded in my chest and I was trying to keep myself from running out of breath while our tongues danced together. Before I knew it we were stumbling over and my back was landing on the bed while he hovered over me.
We broke away once again and his deep emerald green eyes gazed perfectly into mine while his hands pushed up at the bottom of my shirt, hinting that it had to go. So, next thing I was pulling my shirt over my head and tossing it with his.
Not only was our lips together now but our bodies. My exposed stomach was pressed against his and I could feel the heat radiating off of it. My whole body was tingling with those fireworks and electricity.
"More." I moaned a between light kisses and he groaned again softly. His hands roamed over my bare sides and up just along the line of my bra, they brushed softly and my back arched father into him. I needed more.
With that being said, I was never sure of anything. But there was one thing I was one hundred percent positive of now, it only took my years to realize. Behind all our bickering, our hatred for each other and me constantly shutting him out, the fact was that Carson and I both wanted this more than anything for longer than we'd want to admit. Here we were making out and all I could think of was the amazing chemistry we shared at this moment, the way our lips moved together and the perfect feeling of our tongue's dancing in sync. I guess I hadn't realized how tempting this was until it had already started.
I moved my hands from his back and over to his stomach again, reaching for the top button of his pants. I wanted them gone too. While I fiddled with the hem of his jeans, his fingers hesitated over the clasp on the back of my bra and my breath was quickening again. The touch of his skin was so exhilarating. My fingers managed to undo his first button and the zipper almost pulled itself down. I smiled in satisfactory.
"Wait."
Then suddenly, he was gone. His body jolted from mine and he was off of me. Though the tingles where he'd touched didn't disappear, I felt the coldness hit me like a fright train. He stood up at the end of the bed and ran his fingers through his hair aggressively.
This was a mistake.
It never could have happened, after everything I'm even more convinced that my time here is limited and that kiss would scar me deeper than any of the marks on my back. I knew immediately that it was a mistake, but I really didn't want to admit it to myself.
"Shit." He grumbled to himself as his fingers brushed his own lips.
"What?" I asked, sitting up and staring at him with confusion.
"Jessalyn, I-" He groaned again and looked around as if he was trying not to make eye contact with me. "I didn't want this to happen.."
Okay, that hurt, even if I knew it shouldn't of happened. It was like a sword through my chest to know that he thought it was as big of a mistake as I did. I did my best to look unbothered and shrugged, "I'm sorry it happened then."
"Lyn, I-I didn't me-"
I faked a smirk as I stood up and reached for my shirt off the floor, pulling it back over my head. "Don't sweat it, nothing I've never done before right? It's not like it meant anything." I scoffed, lying. It definitely meant something, I had never felt like that before.
"What?" His firey eyes burned into mine as he crossed those muscular arms over his chest.
I smirked. "Cars, you're Matty's best friend. I mean, we're basically family."
"No." He shot immediately, looking let down. His eyes were weary and the most adorable, yet despondent frown took over his face. Then he almost looked mad. "Family doesn't just do that with each other Jessalyn."
"I know." I spat with more intensity than I had originally planned and then I sighed. "I know, and I said that I'm sorry it happened."
He nodded slowly with a growl from the back of his throat and reached for his own shirt. "Fine" He sighed, "Me too."
I hid the clenching in my stomach with a wide smirk across my face. "Looks like I'd do just about anything to put off Chemistry lessons." I snickered to myself at the irony because I had learned more about Chemistry in the last five minutes than I ever had in my life.
His eyes narrowed in on me, he was clearly furious. "I should go."
My expression went blank and any humour in my voice was lost as I pulled my eyes away from his. "Yeah." I whispered under my breath. Before I could even look back up at him, he was gone.
"I guess we can study some other time." He grumbled and walked out of my room, pulling his shirt back over his chest and slamming the door on his way out.
How was in possible to be so close to someone one minute and then so far the next? Whatever this feeling was that I was experiencing right now, well, I hated it. The second I heard my front door slam shut I felt a pang in my stomach.
Carson was gone. I brushed my fingers over my lips, still feeling those little sparks of electricity that he gave me.
There was a sickness in my stomach that was hard to explain, something that a fucking gravol would never cure. This was officially one of the worst ways I could have started off this day. I was completely losing my mind with confusion and emptiness.
Soon I started to notice the tears fall down the side of my face. They started off lightly and I could barely notice them. The quicker they started coming the more intense it got and before I knew it I was practically bawling my eyes out.
I have broke down and let some tears slip, but I haven't truly cried like this for ages. Or maybe ever.
It seemed like every detail of my life was suddenly swarming in my brain, making me feel overwhelmed. I thought about my Mom, the day we had gotten arrested. I thought a lot about Kyle and Richard. There were memories of the creation of my scars, the physical ones all over my back along with the emotion scars that I will probably carry longer.
Most of all, I was thinking about Carson.
Carson was what I was trying immensely not to think about. I mean, I was so baffled on what I truly thought of him. All I know is that he is there for me when no one else is and just minutes ago what we were doing almost felt right. It made the mental images of my fast vanish and I was completely lost in him.
I hate the way he makes me feel, but most of all the way that he can make feel. He can get an emotion effect on me like nothing ever has. I hate him for it.
Soon, I was curling up into a ball in my bed with my face in my pillow. I continued to cry as I gasped for air and let out the wracking sobs that came along with completely breaking down.