"Indra!" I screamed. A fire was still cracking slightly ten feet or so away from me, giving me a small amount of light.
It was barely enough to see the chains as I pulled on my shackles as hard as I could, the metal rattling against the walls of the cave and the cuffs digging into my wrists.
My wrists felt raw and everything was numb. I'd been at this for awhile now. I couldn't tell how how much time had gone by but it was long enough.
Indra was long gone by now but I was hoping that she was only outside, that she was waiting for Octavia, or that wherever she was, she could still hear my screams.
But I knew that all of that was a hopeless thought. Just as hopeless as my thinking that Clarke would stay for me after Mt. Weather or that I could've saved her from Roan, that I could've brought her back from Polis with me, that I keep her in Arkadia when she finally came back.
All of those were just as hopeless as I was now. It was pointless.
Stupid.
Idiotic.
A waste of my time, and yet I still did it anyways. I still tried to do what was best for people, what I thought was best.
And the one time I did what I thought was best for me, a way to get Clarke back and keep her safe, keep the people safe that we risked everything for, I sentenced so many people to death.
I could feel tears coming to my eyes as my knees finally gave out from under me and I turned, collapsing against the wall and slowly I let myself slide down against the cold, hard and uneven rocks that satisfied as a floor.
I remembered what Clarke said to me when I last saw her, "this isn't who you are."
But she was wrong. She was so wrong.
Since she left I tried to keep telling myself that what she said was true, that I wasn't a monster, I was just a person making bad decisions, but that wasn't true.
I was more broken then when she convinced me of that fact the first time. I was more damaged, more tarnished by the life that we all lead down here.
There were some things that we did to survive, but there was some that we did that all I wished for a way to change them. The killings in mount weather was the big one, I wish we had enough time to come up with a batter solution. Jasper would still have Maya and he wouldn't be in the place that he was in now. And Clarke wouldn't have left.
But I wished to change the grounder massacres. They didn't have to be killed, most in cold blood. Monroe didn't need to die for an idiotic cause that Pike drew up, neither did Gina or anyone else who was in there with her, and neither did anyone who was being locked up in Arkadia right now.
I was a monster.
I hurt anyone who was near me.
Angrily I sat up, leaning away from the wall as I began tugging on my chains again, the cuffs on my wrists cut the final bit into my skin. I gritted my teeth as blood started to drip down my arms.
My arms fell and weakly landed back in front of me as I let myself fall back against the wall. I closed my eyes as my breath came in gasps.
A few stray tears rolled down my face, with all its cuts and bruises and all the pain I carried.
I was there for awhile, wallowing in pity, when I heard the sound of horse hooves.
Grounders.
My eyes flashed open as I tugged on the chains again, but the cuffs only continued to dig into my skin. I screamed in agony, more blood dripped down my arms and than onto the rocky floor of the cave.
The sound of hooves stopped close by. I gritted my teeth and moved my head, wiping my face off on my shoulders.
I couldn't look weak to them. If I did then they'd try to break me even more, or even kill me on the spot.
Two pairs of feet came towards me and I looked around the corner of the cave and my eyes widened.
"Clarke." My voice cracked as I looked at her.
Her eyes widened. "Bell." she whispered, her small voice echoed slightly and she ran towards me. My heart began to pound as I shakily pushed myself back onto my feet. I went to run towards her but the chains were too short. I groaned, gritting my teeth to stop another scream as the cuffs tugged onto my wrists once again, my arms going numb.
She ran up to me and wrapped her arms around me.
I closed my eyes and placed my face into the crook of her neck. She held onto me tightly, even more tightly than when she ran towards me when I came back, and then was strong.
She placed her lips up against my collarbone just like she always did. It was a familiar warmth, and happiness spread through me, tingling down my spine and to my numb fingertips.
I missed the warmth of her. The feel of her next to me. I just wish I could hold her.
I went to try to move my arms again but I hissed in pain the numbness receding momentarily, just enough to feel the jolt. Clarke pulled back and I saw her look down at my wrists. "Bellamy what happened?" She asked as she gently pushed the cuffs down against my hands.
I went to answer but before I could she turned to someone behind her. "I need something to stop the bleeding."
I looked to see who she could be talking to and my eyes widened. "Murphy?" I whispered.
He smiled and nodded, stepping forward he slid the cloak he had on off and carefully ripped off a shred. "This good to start?" She nodded as she took it from him.
"Thank you John." She said quietly as she turned and placed it against my wrists.
John?
"You look to be in rough shape." Murphy joked.
Clarke turned, giving him a look. "Later." She replied as she turned back to my wrists, pressing down and stopping the bleeding on the left one. It hurt but not as much as the cuffs ever did.
Her touch was gentle, just like it had been when I was sick back on the drop ship, or she used to check on my cuts and scrapes.
She looked up to meet my eyes and she wiped a stray tear from my cheek. "What happened? How did you get here?"
"O." I whispered as I looked down at her hands. "Lincoln, Kane and Sinclaire were all sentenced to death at dawn." I squeezed my eyes shut. "And it was all my fault."
She pressed her hand to my cheek and I felt tears return to my eyes. Some spilled back onto my cheeks, running onto her hands. She moved her thumb and she wiped them away. "Clarke don't leave me again. I can't help people without you." I croaked as I pressed my cheek into her palm.
"It's alright Bellamy." I opened my eyes to see a smile small on her face, a comforting one. Her eyes just the same as she was when she first told me she needed me. "I won't, I promise."
She smiled a little wider and I just looked at her. Just watched as she removed her hand from my face and looked down at my wrist and finished cleaning the first one. "Murphy?"
The feeling of happiness didn't disappear, it didn't dwindle, it only became stronger.
"Got it." He tore another shred and handed it to her, and immediately she got to work on stopping and cleaning my right wrist.
"So the rulers are back together at long last." I smiled as I looked up at him.
"Shut up Murphy." I replied.
He smiled back at me. "Now how do we get the cuffs off?" Murphy asked as he walked over and looked down at the chains around my wrists.
"I'm not sure." Clarke replied. "If we were to shoot in here the bullet could ricochet and kill all three of us."
"Indra." I whispered. Maybe she left the key behind for Octavia. Clarke looked at me confused as I looked to Murphy "Check by the fire. Indra was keeping watch on me from there when O left. Maybe she left the key." He nodded and jogged over the fire.
He began to turn over rocks and check anywhere he could see that was on the opposite side of the cave.
I looked back at Clarke to see her finishing up on wiping away the blood on my wrists. Red was wiped across my skin to add a pink tint to it but as long as it was wasn't bleeding and there wasn't a lot I didn't mind.
On top of it, she was doing a great job with just a strip of cloth and no water or materials.
"You did a good job Princess." She smiled as she looked up at me.
"I'll be right back. I need to get cloth to tie around those." She shook her head as she walked over to the cloak. "You did a good job on those." She commented.
"Yeah well, happens when the only way to escape is to lose your hands." She turned to face me, her eyes narrowed at my joke.
"Noes not the time Bellamy." She scolded as she bent down to retrieve the cloak from the floor.
"Find anything Murph?" I yelled, trying to avoid anymore of the awkward conversation about realizing I wasn't a monster that may start to occur.
He shook his head. "I'm still going through, I don't think she'd leave without leaving it for her somewhere." He replied as he continued to check.
Clarke ripped a some long strands of frantic from the cloak and walked back to me. She pushed the cuffs back down against my hands and carefully tied the cloth around my wrists. "You really should be careful. These cuffs are old." She was right, the cuffs were rusted and tarnished, who knows what they'd been through. "These could get infected you know." She told me as she made sure the bandage strips were secure and wouldn't slide around.
"I know but I was hoping they would give way. And if I was left here I thought it would be worth it." She looked at me sadly.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there Bell." She replied. "If I was there, maybe this wouldn't have happened."
"I'm sorry too. For handcuffing you." She smiled not big but it was a start, it was like the ones that I remember seeing all the time before when we were at the drop ship. It always started off small and soon it would grow so big that she couldn't contain it.
"We both did stupid things." She replied.
I smiled back down at her. Her smile finally reached her eyes, making them light up just how I remembered it. "I know."
"I know you're having a moment and all but I found the key." Murphy smirked as stood there watching the two of us.
I said nothing and only narrowed my eyes.
He laughed as he walked around the fire. "Come on John, let's get him out of here." Clarke took a few steps toward him and he quickly handed her the key.
The second the metal touched her fingertips she was back at my side and unlocking the chains.
The instant my wrists were freed I did the one thing I wanted since she walked through that entrance. I pulled her into my arms and pulled her as close to me as I could.
I didn't care if we didn't have a lot of time. I had to hold her.
This could be my last chance.
I squeezed my eyes shut as she placed her lips against my collarbone once again.
More warmth spread through me. I was so happy that I was surprised that I didn't spontaneously catch on fire or explode.
"Bell." She whispered.
"I know." I whispered back. "Just another second." I squeezed her a little tighter.
I loved holding her, keeping her safe. She made me better and I made her better. We were a team, partners in crime if you will.
She was the best thing for me. And even if this only lasted for mere moments, and we left and I didn't make it, I would always have these last seconds with her and that would make all the difference.