GWEN'S POV:
As soon as I got the words out, Louis's lips crashed into mine. Immediately, a tingling chill went up my spine, and through the front of me, in certain places, and up into my cheeks, where it heated them.
His lips were hungry. He let go of my hand and left it on his chest, bringing both of his hands up to my face to hold. That gave him even more leverage, and his lips pushed onto me harder. It took me a few seconds to stop thinking, and just.....live in the moment. The moment that Harry let us have, which I'll NEVER fully understand. I melted into his lips as they pushed mine around, practically devouring them. He was a little bit excited about this. And I was getting there. Quickly.
I turned in towards Louis more. We were still on the edge of the bed. He had already been sitting facing me, hopeful from the start. As we kissed and got used to each other's style and movements, his hands roamed around my body. Down my shoulders and under my arms where he gripped my sides and pulled me in closer. My hands strayed from his neck, without thinking. Because for once, I wasn't thinking. They slid down his arms, and to his sides, moving down further to the end of his shirt. I felt a thin strip of skin where his shirt came up from his pants a little, and my hands slithered right up under the shirt, and up his sides. He groaned into me, and the vibrations of his voice on my lips made me shudder. He must have decided that if I could do it, then he could do it, because his hands wandered down and under my shirt.
Shit?
I didn't stop him. I decided to see where he'd take this. Hopefully not very far. Harry didn't give us permission to mess around, after all. Unless that's what "do whatever you need to do" meant??
I admit...I was still thinking a little, good thing!
Lou gently pushed me with his hands on my bare on my skin and with his mouth, until I was laying back, across the bed, and he rolled semi on top of me. Not all the way. His hands felt the skin under my shirt everywhere they could reach...except my breasts. I didn't have a bra on today. I usually didn't wear bras most of the time if I was home, because why bother?
I felt Louis notice I didn't have a bra on. He was exploring up and around further with his hands, thinking he'd get stopped by a metal wire and fabric, but it never happened, so he found his one hand on my breast, until he realized, and quickly slid it back down.
His tongue flicked across my lips, so I opened them and invited him in. His tongue invaded my mouth and things got even more frantic.
My own hands rubbed his chest, and again, not really thinking, found his nipples. I didn't realize I was rubbing them because I was distracted by him noticing my bra-less-ness. He groaned again, and his hips thrust against the side of mine. I could feel his excitement on my hip.
I played with his nipples some more, and Lou started grinding on the side of me. He was half on top of me, so it was more like grinding on the front of my left thigh.
No matter where it was, it was doing things to me. I had a need to squeeze my muscles down there, as they were desperate for touch now. But that wasn't allowed, obviously....right? At this moment in time, I wished it was.
His kisses went through cycles of fast and furious, and slow and passionate. When he'd lift off of mine so we could catch our breath, he'd look at me so closely...so intensely, that I believe I could feel everything he'd felt for me the past year. After several breath catch opportunities, he looked at me searching for any signs of "no" as he pulled himself the rest of the way on top of me. I gave him none.
He adjusted himself on me, and his hands went to my face and hair as he still stared into my eyes.
"I love you Gwen. So much", he whispered into my ear before sliding his nose across my cheek and landing his lips back on mine. I didn't think it would help the situation at all by saying anything back, so I didn't.
The kissing got heated again, and even though he'd been a gentleman in this suggestive position, I couldn't stand it, and my hips started moving involuntarily up against him, earning another moan from deep inside his throat, which turned me on even more, causing me to thrust once.
His lips slid off of mine and he said in a breathless whisper, "I want you so bad."
"We don't...", his lips fell back onto mine for mini kisses as I talked between them. "...have permission for..........*kiss*....that", I panted.
"God, if only...." he whispered and kissed me harder now.
I tried to stop my hips. I really did. But the sensation in my area needed something. Anything to press on. Each electric shock that sped down the front of my chest and into my core made me squeeze my thighs together and press against him in a focused, purposeful thrust. Sometimes I'd need to do a thrust and rub. Thrust up into him and rub side to side. I was getting pretty desperate. He felt better than I'd imagined. (Or remembered.) Not that I ever really sat around imagining or even remembering it.....but whatever. He felt good.
His hands were under my shirt again, and my whole body shuddered and a sharp moan came out of me when his one hand came up onto my breast, his thumb rubbing across my nipple. The bottom part of my body was going crazy now. Why? Why was I getting so taken away by this? By him? Why was I letting this happen to me? I needed to start thinking again. But.....I didn't fvcking want to, dammit. Fvck thinking!
I think touching my boobs did it for Lou, because he panted out "Gahh, fvck it", and his hips began grinding over me. It wasn't just pressing down on me though like before. It was downright dry humping, actually.
I pulled my lips off of his for a moment, and moved my face out of our little bubble world, so I could look down at our bodies. I saw what I was looking for.
The movement of his hips.
Oh fvck yes. Oh fvck no!
I was torn between pleasure and guilt.
His hips curled in and rolled against me then circled back up and curled in again. Basically as if he was fvcking me. And it. Looked. HOT.
I took one look and sighed, rolled my eyes, and breathed out "Oh God", then brought my face back into our little bubble world, between his hair and his neck, with my face close to his. Back to where I could taste him just from the smell of his breath on me.
He smirked at me, knowing exactly what I'd seen, and how much I'd liked it.
"We ARE pretty hot together, you have to agree", he whispered in a sexy tone.
"We ARE....going WAY WAY too far out of the permission zone, you have to agree" I responded.
"I'll stop if you want. Do you want me to?" He stopped moving his hips and looked down at me, waiting. I didn't keep him waiting long at all. About 1 second, actually, before I whined at the loss of contact on the front of the warmest spot on my entire body right now.
My pelvis thrusted up, and he laughed, as he pressed down to meet my urgent need.
"Damn you Lou!" I scolded him in a whisper.
He smashed his lips back onto mine, and his previously still hand that rested on my side under my shirt, moved right back up to my t.it, taking my ni.pple between his thumb and forefinger and tugging it just a little. Shocks went from my ni.pple, straight down in between my thighs. I moaned and pushed against Lou harder. His kisses got firmer and faster. Hungrier. More needy as he pushed himself against me, every thrust taking me further and further away from reality.
The rock hard bulge in his jeans hit a certain spot on me that lit total fire in my groin, making me moan out loud. My hands under his shirt wrapped around his lower back and pulled him in closer. He realized what I needed and pushed in a more focused, concentrated way for me, trying to hit right where he felt me respond just now. He found it. The spot. Over and over again, he pressed down, as I began to breath heavy now, and my arms guided his speed and force as he rubbed me with his hard co.ck through both of our jeans. I wanted to stop. I was starting to feel the same guilt I'd felt once before with him. I didn't want it to happen. But yet...it felt so damn good.
I felt the pressure building in my stomach, and my heavy breathing turned into to pants as it rose up and up.
"Yes, Gwen. Come for me. Fvck yes, I love you" Lou whispered in my ear as he nibbled nearby on my neck and under my jaw. His hand worked on my nipple, tugging and rubbing and pinching it which was making my pressure even more deep inside of me. Yet, the rubbing was all on the outside of me.
I was close now. I grabbed Lou's ass and pushed him down as hard as I could, and he followed exactly where I led him as I groaned through my throat and nose, letting little specks of voice come out with bursts of air, while I closed my mouth tight and buried my face into his neck. When I'd pull back from his neck for air, I'd moan his name mostly in a whisper, but some voice slipping through. "Louis, ohGod, Lou....I'm....it's.....oh Lou!"
The feeling crashed over me like a wave, and I held Lou's hips still and just pressed him to me, as I squirmed around underneath him, pushing my cli.it against his di.ck, side to side and up and down. My legs shook him and my arms flew up and pulled his chest tightly to me as I lost control under him, as wave after wave of pleasure pulsed inside of me, each time sending me into a short spasm, until it finally started to subside and my arms gradually loosened from his back. I realized then, how tightly and stiff they'd been holding him. I hope I didn't hurt him.
"I love you. I love you Gwen. My God I love you. You're so beautiful. That was so beautiful" Louis went on as I came down from my high.
"Baby, I have to move now. I have to. I can't.....I can't stand it any longer", he whispered frantically as he started dry fvcking me again, harder and faster now. "God I wish I was inside of you. What I would give...." he was close now, I could tell. He was getting flustered. He went from kissing me to losing his concentration in mid kiss, to hiding his face into the crook of my neck, to nibbling my ear, sometimes accidentally biting a little bit.
"Fvck.....I'm gonna come. Sh.it. Gwen", Lou panted, his breath hitching over and over again. I slid my arms to his front, and up to hold his face so that he was looking directly down at me. He struggled to keep his eyes open. They'd flinch shut, then open wide as he started thrusting hard, jamming his hardness into the crease between my thigh and my area, under his pants.
"Louis...I love you. I always will", I told him, though I didn't know why. I didn't know where that came from. I mean, the heart, obviously, but...I hadn't wanted to say it that...meaningfully.
His eyes widened, and grunts rumbled through his throat as he tried to keep quiet. His face contorted and scrunched up and I could feel the new warmth through both of our jeans as he released into his.
"I love you Gwen. Thank you. Oh God thank you. God, I never want to let you go. Ever......" his words came out in the form of breath and moans. "Why? Why do I have to let you go? It's not fair....fvck. I love you....." his voice kept spewing more mush, then his body stilled on top of me, and he trembled everywhere. His arms were shaking holding him up. His legs had hold of mine, trapping them tight as his body tensed tight through the rest of his org.asm.
When he was done, he swallowed hard, and looked at me while he took a huge cleansing breath. His bottom lip started to tremble, and his mouth closed tightly and he collapsed on top of me, his hands coming out of my shirt, and wrapping tightly around me, over top of my arms and all. He held on to me for dear life. Like he did in the train.
I felt his chest shake with strangled sobs, that broke my soul. The familiar stinging sensation started in my cheeks, and my eyes burned for a few seconds, while my own tears started. I laid there under him, unable to hug him, because he had his body wrapped around mine like I was a mummy. But it felt secure. He mumbled into my neck, "It really is no fair. I love you so much Gwen. I hope you know, I'll love you forever. Even when I find someone....I'll still love you. I don't know if you'll be able to tell or not, but I will. I promise you I will. Even if I look happy with her....I'll still be wishing she was you. I just want you to know that. I don't know why. I don't know what you'd do with that information, but...I just want you to know it. I'm doomed, and I accept that now. I'm doomed to someday settle for someone who's as good as I can get, but is just not you. Just like you said, if Harry left you...you'd never find someone who completes you like he does. Well I'm doomed to exactly that for the rest of my life. And I feel bad for whoever she is, already. Because she'll think I love her most in the world. But I won't. I'll love YOU most in the world. And that fvcking depresses the living HELL out of me, ya know?
But I got to spend this moment with you. This time that Harry gave me with you. He's amazing. How can he share someone so wonderful? How can he let me steal these moments with you when he loves you so strongly? I don't understand it. But I'm so thankful for it. I could never share you like this. I could never let someone else be with you like this. He's so strong. And so crazy.
I'll tell you. If I ever get over you, God's honest truth...I'll proudly tell you. But if I never tell you, that's how you'll know you're still it for me.
So no matter how well I hide it when I come back....just know it's all an act. I don't want to burden you with that, but....it's the only thing that makes me feel like I can do it. Like I can get through it. You knowing. You knowing I still love you, makes me feel better. I'm rambling. Because I have to let you go really soon, and it's fvcking killing me. It's hurting me. My chest hurts. My stomach is is knots....." Lou babbled on. But it wasn't babble to me. It was someone whose heart was beginning to shatter. Someone who was holding the person they love, for the last time, probably ever. Someone who just wanted to say everything he possibly could say, to last a lifetime without me. Someone who wanted to cover every possible scenario, just so I wouldn't forget 10 years down the road, that when he came over with his wife and maybe kids, that he might look fine. He might look happy. He might seem like I was just a crush from the distant past....but that inside, he'll still be loving me just as he is right now.
And THAT is what he wanted me to know. He wanted there to be SOME sort of knowledge...some acknowledgement of his feelings, beyond his own mind. He wanted someone else to know it. He needed his love to go somewhere. Have SOMEWHERE for it to go besides just inside of his own tortured mind and soul. God, I felt for him.
Maybe he wanted me to look at him when no one was around someday years down the road, and blink at him, letting him know I still held his secret. I still knew. Even if no one else did. We would always have at least THAT between us, if that's all he could possibly get.
The more I thought of what he was going through right now, the more upset I got.
And the more I thought of what we'd just done, the more upset I got also. I had two different upsets going on, plus a little bit of "I love Louis...I'll miss him" going on, too.
"Lou...I just thought of everything you're going through right now. And I'm telling you now, that I won't forget what you told me. I'll ALWAYS know. Unless you physically tell me otherwise someday that you're over me....I'll always know. No matter how happy or content you look...I'll know.
We'll always have at least THAT between us, alright? I'll keep that a secret with you. I promise.
How about I blink at you? When no one's looking....if I blink at you....it means I acknowledge your love for me. It means your love HAS landed in its intended spot and hasn't gone unrecognized. And it means I love you too. Because I know I'll always love you. Ok Lou? How about that? Does that make you feel any better? At all?" I asked him how that plan sounded. I just...needed to give him SOMETHING. As little as it was...he needed something to be able to get through life until he hopefully got over me.
"It does, Gwen......", he broke down while smiling at me, "it DOES. Thank you so much. Please don't forget, ok? Don't forget to blink sometimes, ok? I feel hope already now, thanks to you. I'll blink too sometimes, if you don't mind. I'll need to silently say "I still love you". Please don't forget it. Don't forget what it means. Ever, alright?"
"I won't. Don't worry Lou. How could I forget? I won't let you down. I promise", I assured him.
"Will you ever tell Harry about it? Even 20 years from now?" Lou asked.
"No. I'll never tell anyone. Ever. It's ours only. We'll have that together. I just want you to know your love isn't gone into the wind. I want you to know that it finds its way to me, even 50 years from now, Lou. But Jesus, Lou, I hope to God you've been long over me by then!" I laughed a little bit.
"My God, Gwen. THIS is why I love you. This is the kind of person you are. You're so amazing, do you know that? Downright AMAZING. I love you", Lou whispered at the end.
"I love you too Lou. But I do hope you can tell me not to blink anymore someday."
"I hope so too. I really do. God, I hope I can", Louis said with so much hope in his voice.
We smiled at each other through our tears, and he held me tight, with my arms free to hold him. We stayed like that until we heard the flat door open. Harry was home.
Louis and I were now over. I hoped I'd given him at least something from me to hold on to forever if that's how long he stayed in love with me. It's the best I could do. I had thought of giving him like...one hour every year, to just talk with me and tell me how he felt...maybe kiss me a few times to hold him over till the next year. But I couldn't do that. I couldn't cheat on Harry. That would be straight up cheating. But if Harry ever came up with that idea, I'd do it. For Lou.
Because even though I loved him, and he was sexy and he'd made me...feel good just now....my love for him, even if it was the proper kind of love, was still different from his. His was more...need. Mine was more.....care. I had Harry, so it didn't affect me much. Lou had no one, so it was everything to him.
When the flat door shut, Lou sat up and helped me up. We both wiped our eyes, and straightened out our clothes. I checked his groin for signs of his...mess. His jeans did have a dark spot still. My pants didn't, luckily. I'd have to tell Harry what happened, though. I couldn't keep this from him. Maybe he expected it. I don't know. But I'd crossed the line, by FAR, and the only thing keeping me together right now, was that I didn't want to ruin the last few minutes of Lou's time here before he left temporarily.
"Lou..." I called to him after he stood up. I stood up and got close to him. "I DO want to kiss you first."
I leaned in and touched my lips to his, and he sighed into my lips, and held his arms around me one more time, while our lips touched for the last time. I did it. I kissed him. I initiated it. I felt him smile into our kiss. I was happy that I could make him happy.
We pulled away at the same time, and he looked me in the eyes and kissed my cheek. Then my forehead. "I love you Gwen", he whispered.
"I love you Lou", I said back, and he took my hand and led me out of the bedroom.
We got to the living room and Harry walked out of the kitchen with a beer, that he took huge sips out of and looked at us. We stopped at the end of the hall and just stood there together. I watched him look at me up and down, and up and down again. And then at Louis, same thing. My heart swelled with the sight of him. But yet...my heart sunk heavy in my chest at what I had to tell him soon.
"Well? All done? All kissed goodbye and stuff?" Harry finally spoke through the thick silence.
We both nodded. I looked down, and moved my eyes to check Lou's crotch spot. It was covered by his shirt. Whew. I didn't want Harry to actually SEE the evidence of what we'd done. And I didn't want him to know until AFTER Louis left. I felt nauseous looking at Harry, knowing I'd just....had an intense snog/dry hump session, complete with matching org.asms, with another man. Harry's best friend, no less. I'd lost control. Big time. And I didn't even know if Harry would forgive me for it. I could be out on the streets tonight, just like Louis.
"Tommo, I was thinking....if you can get your feelings under control tonight, and start new in the morning, you can stay here. But I really, REALLY don't want to notice it anymore. I don't want you to avoid Gwen and be moody and mean, trying to get over her, either. She's been a tortured wreck the past few weeks, complaining to me every day about you. Missing you. Her friend. So if you think you can do it that quick, you're welcome to stay. I don't feel right about putting you out when you have nowhere to go", Harry offered.
That was really nice of him. This was an even better sign that he'd forgive him soon. But wait...I'd have to tell him what we'd done, while Louis was here. He'd toss Lou out anyway. And maybe me along with him. Fvck.
I looked over at Lou next to me. Sh.it! He was still holding my hand! I noticed this, because Harry looked down in that direction, closed his eyes for an abnormally long few second blink, then looked away and took another huge sip of his beer. I thought I saw an extreme watering of his eyes before he closed them for his sip. Oh God....this just wasn't going good.
"Thanks mate....I appreciate it. But I think I'm gonna take off for a little while anyway. I don't know how fast I can reign my sh.it in, but I'm gonna go for now anyway. If your feelings change", he looked at me now. "Text me. I'll stay away if you want me to." He knew that I'd be telling Harry everything that had just happened between us, and Harry might take back the offer to stay here, after hearing it all.
"Suit yourself then. Unless you hear otherwise, feel free to come back when you want", Harry told him.
Louis let go of my hand and glanced at me as he headed towards his bedroom. I was left with Harry, which I was happy about, but yet....scared shitless about.
I walked over and stood in front of him.
My face reddened and heated up. I suddenly felt a flashback. I felt...scared. I felt like I did something bad, and I'd get beaten for it.
I started to have a panic attack, from the flashback. And probably from the awful, horrible secret I held right now. I was breathing louder, and my chest was crushing me. Pains were shooting down my stomach, but I had to control it...at least until Louis left.
It wasn't long until Lou came out of his room, with a backpack and a small duffle bag. His eyes found mine right away, and he kept them on me until he got past Harry and I.
He turned around and said goodbye to us both. "Later mates", he said, and he smiled at me, then went through and shut the door.
He was gone.
I turned to Harry, who was just taking the last sip of his beer. That was the quickest beer I'd ever seen him drink. But I didn't blame him.
I was still holding in my panic, very effectively, I realized. Wow.
Now was the time for truth. And now was the moment I could lose Harry forever. Sure, I loved Louis, but not NEARLY enough to lose Harry over. Now I was cursing myself for losing control. Letting things go too far like they did. I simply got caught up in the moment, and let Lou's feelings affect mine too much.
.....And he felt nice to touch. And kiss.
"Harry....come sit with me please? I want to talk to you", I said shyly, picking at my fingers with nervousness.
"What, did you change your mind after all then?" he asked, with a slight grin.
"What? No! God, no!" I said. "I just need to talk to you."
We sat down next to each other on the sofa. "So I guess I need to tell you about...while you were gone", I said, barely getting it out.
He looked me over for what seemed like a long time. Could he TELL we'd done something wrong?
"You had your goodbyes, right? Goodbyes concerning love I mean, right? There'll be no more of it anymore? I mean, I know you'll love him. And he'll love you....but it won't be out in the open anymore, right? What more do you need to tell me?" Harry said.
"I just figure you'd want to know what happened between us. You know I always tell you everything..." Harry cut me off.
"Did you talk?"
"Yes."
"Did you kiss?"
I swallowed hard. The kind that you can hear in your throat. "Yes".
"Did you fvck?"
"No!"
"Did you make love?"
"No!"
"Did he touch your vagina?"
Did he? Did that count as touching? I don't THINK so? "Technically, no", was my answer, and it made Harry pause a few extra seconds and think.
"Did you touch his penis?"
"Technically, no"
Harry stared at me again for a few moments. He was thinking. I could tell. He was thinking hard. I felt like he...knew things. But how could he?
"His penis or hand or tongue did NOT touch your vagina? Skin on skin."
"No"
"Your hand, mouth or tongue or vagina did NOT touch his penis? Skin on skin."
"No"
"Well then there's nothing to tell me. There's nothing I need to hear", Harry decided and seemed a little bit relaxed at that statement.
"No, none of that happened, but..." he stopped me again.
"I don't need to hear anything else, Gwen."
"But Harry, I...."
"Gwen. I do NOT need to hear anything. I really don't WANT to know."
"Please Harry....just listen to....."
"Gwen! It was not an easy thing to do, walking out of this flat, leaving you two ON OUR BED, in OUR bedroom, with permission to....get out all you both needed to get out. In case you didn't realize it....it was the hardest thing I've ever fvcking done, I think. But when I was young, I loved someone who didn't love me, and it w..." I cut HIM off this time.
"Louis told me. I asked him why you would do this for him. Let him kiss me goodbye like that. And he told me your story. And I realized just how bad it must hurt for Lou. And I wished I could go back in time and kiss your pain and make it better from a time machine to the past."
"Now THAT would have been nice. I sure needed it. So yeah...I'd have given everything just for a few moments alone with her, and a kiss goodbye. Louis had my back the whole time I suffered. He let me cry on his shoulder, many times. He listened to me cry myself to sleep most nights, for months. Sometimes, he even climbed into bed with me, and hugged me as I cried myself to sleep. So you can see why I did this for him. Only I gave him a LOT more time than a few moments today, and I know you did a LOT more than a kiss goodbye.
I gasped. "How do you.....know?"
I saw the flushing in your chest and neck.
And the spot on Lou's jeans......................just saying."
OH. MY GOD.
There it was. I knew it. The way he was looking at me. The way he looked us up and down when we came out of the bedroom. The way he looked at....I thought it was our hands together...it must have been...the dark spot he was looking at.....fvck!
He DID know! He fvcking KNEW!
Holy SH.IT.
He'd mentioned to me before, that every time I come, my chest and neck and face get really flush, and it stays like that for a while.
FVCK! He could tell!
He knows EXACTLY what we did, just by the questions he asked me a minute ago! He figured it all out by himself!
I was totally dying inside.
I couldn't look at Harry. I couldn't.
I looked at the floor, picking my fingers, waiting. Just waiting for him to explode and kick me out forever. I was shaking. All over. My eyes began to sting, and that meant....yep. Here came the tears.
"Gwen...I love you. I'm not mad. Don't you think if I was mad, I would have freaked out when I saw the condition of you both when you walked out of the room?"
"I........don't know?.........Everything's just so.......messed up right now........I feel awful! I let it get..."
"Gwen. I told you. I do NOT want to hear it. So stop. Just stop right there. Please. Don't talk about it. Ever. Ok? For me. End of story, please."
"Can I.....hug you?" I sobbed, afraid to just take the liberty, in case he didn't want me near him.
"Of course you can, babe. Why would you ask me that?"
"I don't know....in case you....didn't want me touching you or......something?"
"C'mere babe", Harry reached out his arms, and I fell into them fully. Melting into him before I was even against him. THIS is where I truly belonged. Truly felt at home. "Can I cry for a little?" I asked him.
"Babe....I don't know who you think I've turned in to suddenly, but I'm still Harry. Your boyfriend. You're still my girlfriend. I still love you more than life. And I know you still love me more than life. You know I'd never tell you to bottle up your feelings. Actions....maybe. This once. But feelings? No. Cry all you need. I'll hold you. Vent all you need. I'll listen to every word. You know that. I LOVE you, Gwen", he said. I felt immediately better. About him. But I still felt terrible about the things I'd done. And I needed to cry. Badly.
"Promise you still love me?" I asked weakly, still needing reassurance.
"Cross my heart", Harry whispered.
I cuddled into him, and he pulled the blanket over, and wrapped me in it. He knew, just as I did, this cry could take a while...........