HARRY'S POV:
I was home today. Ahhhh. Gwen and I spent the morning having s.ex, as usual. We tried to be quieter this time, since Gwen heard first hand how loud it can be. It was hard to keep so quiet, and it took a lot of the fun out of it, but we tried our best. I'm sure you could still hear it, though. I need a carpeted apartment. Not just area rugs. I suppose that would help with the echos and the carrying of voices.
I fiddled around on the guitar for a while, waiting for Gwen to get done school in the kitchen.
Lou came out and joined me, and we talked and laughed about whatever, and just hung out. I wanted to ask him what he was mad at Gwen about, but I figured I'd give it another day...maybe he was just in a bad mood. Sad that he couldn't have her. I don't even know. I just didn't wanna say anything yet. We'd see how today went.
It didn't go very well, just an hour later. When the tutor left, and Gwen put her books away, she came to join us in the living room. She sat quietly on the sofa. I smiled at her, and kept listening to Lou's story he was telling me. He finished up his story, then said he was going out. He said it nicely, so that was good, but I couldn't help but notice he decided to leave just as Gwen came to join us.
Hmmmmm........
Was he mad at her for something? Or was he trying his hardest to stay away from her and talk himself out of loving her? I tended to believe the latter. I knew him too well.
After he left, I told her my guess as to why he was acting the way he was acting. Not that it makes it right if he was being nasty to her, though. He can try and fall out of love and still be nice. But I didn't really see his attitude much with her yet, so I'd have to see it for myself. I was NOT making THAT mistake again!! I needed to see him do something wrong before I got on his case this time. Heh!
In the meantime....
It was time to go somewhere. Anywhere. Time for our weekly trip for Gwen to gain experiences and discover the world around her. We'd done so many things in the past year, it was sometimes hard to find new things. But....I had a good idea, since she had mentioned that she'd never been on a train before. Well, on a train the CORRECT, and LEGAL way, that is. I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of that before, being as the train station was just a mile away from our flat.
So that was my plan for today. She agreed it was a good plan.
I could see her excitement as we bought tickets at the outdoor booth. She kept looking at a cargo train, and I figured it was either that one, or one just like it, that she and Lou had hopped the other night. I didn't say anything. I just let it go.
We took the train to as close as we could to where I grew up. To where my parents lived. And from there, they picked us up, and we spent the day with them. It was a pleasant day, filled with laughter and love. Corny, yes. But we all just.....got along well, and the day went smoothly. My mum's dinner always made me just plain happy in general, too. My parents loved meeting Gwen again, and they still didn't seem bothered by her back story. I hadn't seen them since I'd left the hospital, so I missed them a lot. Gina wasn't there, which was a bummer. Maybe next time.
The train ride on the way back was pretty. Watching the lights of different places go by, holding hands as we looked out the window, Gwen leaning on the window, and me leaning on her. When the people sitting across from us got off at their stop, we had the chance to snog a bit. I loved these sort of days. Just calm, peaceful, and spending it with the people I loved.
And then we got back to the flat.
Louis was drunk.
And half naked in the kitchen.
And Ellen was here. AND Tori. His other fvck friend.
Both at once? Wow. Go Lou....I suppose!
Gwen's face was funny to see. But what she was seeing wasn't making her laugh. She looked plain disgusted.
Ellen was drunk too, and all over Gwen. Being her squeaky friendly self, trying to be best friends....and who knows...maybe she wanted Gwen to join their little....threesome, if that's what was going on, which I was pretty sure.
Gwen was friendly, but stern, and I called her out to the living room to watch tv with me, so she wouldn't have to squirm anymore, trying to wiggle out of Ellen's grasp.
Tori was drunk too, and less dressed than Ellen. Tori was the same kind of chick as Ellen for the most part. Only shorter with a little more meat on her. Not fat, though. Ellen was blonde, tall and skinny. Tori was short, built healthy, and brunette. I used to tease Lou all the time, about having the best of both worlds. "Hmmm....do I want blonde or brunette tonight? Decisions, decisions....", I'd say.
I was kinda shocked that they'd both come over and share him at once, though. Go mate!
Gwen and I turned on the tv and cuddled under a blanket, and searched for movies on Netflix, while the drunken sex team slurred around the kitchen, doing whatever it was they were doing in there.
Lots of dropping plastic cups, and giggles.
When I looked over at one point, Lou was standing against the wall, and Ellen was....kneeling in front of him. Tori was standing next to him, kissing his chest. He looked.....content.
I scoffed at the scene, and Gwen heard me, and looked to see what I was looking at.
She turned back to me with her mouth open in disgust and amusement at the same time.
"Really?" she whispered.
"Apparently, yes. Really", I whispered back, and she shook her head.
"Mate....wouldn't the bedroom be a better spot for that? And dude.....condoms condoms condoms!!" I yelled in to him. I didn't know how far they'd keep going in there, but it was my flat, and I didn't feel like seeing it. And Gwen didn't seem to be amused by it either.
They all laughed and grabbed their drinks and food, and walked in a line to his bedroom. I'm pretty sure Tori was pulling Lou by his hard on through his boxers as she walked. I had to chuckle in my head.
"I have some if you run out", I said before he closed the door.
"Thanks man", he yelled back.
"You have.....oh! You do have condoms, don't you! I remember finding them when I first came here. Wow. We never used them!" Gwen said.
"Well, the pill is WAY better, isn't it?" I asked her.
"Well, yeah. I just....forgot they were here. Maybe you should give them to Louis. He'll probably need them ALL tonight", she said in a sarcastic tone of voice.
"Jealous?" I teased her.
"Ew. No! Pissed? Yes. He was giving me weird looks while that blonde Ellen girl was trying to get me to take my clothes off or whatever she was trying to do with me."
"What kind of weird looks?" I asked Gwen.
"I don't even know. Just....smirks, I suppose. I didn't like it. I felt uncomfortable.
I don't know WHAT happened a few days ago, but he's not the Lou I know. Except when he's with you only. I heard you guys in the living room. He was normal Louis. Until he left as SOON as I got in there", she frowned and looked at the floor.
"Babe, I think he's just trying to live his own life. And get you out of his mind. Try and...unlove you.
I haven't actually seen him be nasty to you yet, though, so when I do, I'll say something to him."
"So you don't believe me that he's being nasty?" Gwen accused.
"No, it's not that. I believe he might be...in YOUR eyes. Like, maybe you're used to him being...as nice as me. As loving as me. Ya know? So now he might be trying to be normal, and to you it seems mean, because it's different than he usually is", I sighed. "I can't explain it well, but believe me....I believe you, and I'll watch for it. I don't want to go accusing him yet....we don't need another train adventure."
"True....I'll have to pay more attention...see if he's actually MEAN to me or not. It sure feels like that, though", she decided.
When the movie was over, we went into the bedroom, and closed the door, but that still didn't cover the sounds of sex coming from Louis's room. So we started our own sex. But we kept it lower again.
Not that it mattered. There were so many moans in so many different voices coming from Louis's room, I wondered if there were other people in there that we hadn't seen.
When we were done our love making, we ended up putting our pillows over our heads and facing each other in our own little pillow fortress, trying to block out the endless moans and groans and and giggles and the bed hitting the wall. I don't even know how we fell asleep, but we managed.
GWEN'S POV:
The next few days went the same as the last few, for Louis. He'd be all responsible during the day, either working or not, depending on his schedule. Avoiding me at all costs, giving me looks that meant I have no clue what. Sometimes they looked sad. Like he missed me. And sometimes he looked like he saw me as an evil temptress. Either way, I was missing my friend Lou.
If he'd lived somewhere else, and I didn't see him for days, it'd be fine. But the way he was ignoring me, was making me miss him. Making me sad. Like we'd never be as good of friends as we once were. Like this Lou guy that I was very close to, was gone, and I'd never see him again.
I mean, I know he was probably trying to unlove me, but it almost wasn't fair, because I wasn't choosing to unlove him. So I was the one being heartbroken here, it felt like. I didn't want to be left being like Lou. Loving him, and him not loving me back. I could tell it was NOT fun.
But if that was what it took for him to get control of his feelings, then I'd have to deal with it.
And I did. For days. Weeks, even.
He was never mean in front of Harry, which pissed me off.
I ended up getting into a "little" argument with him about it, actually.
Ok, it wasn't little. It was bad. Really bad.
I'd made lunch, and made a sandwich for him. Harry was out for a bit, and my tutor had just left.
I made him a nice plate, with crisps on the side, and even poured him something to drink. I just wanted him to see I was still his friend and I still cared.
I brought it to his room and knocked on the door.
He opened it, looked at me, and at first glance, he looked happy to see me. But then the "dark Louis" as I'd started calling him, came out. His entire face changed, and he just sort of....zoned out. Like he was looking at me, but saw right through me at whatever was behind me. Like he was emotionless.
"I was making lunch so I made you some", I told him and held out the plate and glass with a smile.
He looked at it, and I saw the glance of the real Lou for another split second, but Dark Lou took over again. He took the food and drink and said "Thanks", with a flash of a fake smile, and turned and closed the door, pretty much in my face.
After it closed, I yelled, "You're WELCOME!"
I was hurt.
I stomped away, feeling my cheeks heat up and the anger stir in my chest.
But soon I stomped right back to his room and opened the door. I didn't even knock. I was too mad for that. Plus, I knew he was dressed, because he was a minute ago.
He was sitting at his small desk, his elbows on the desk, and his head down in his hands. The dish and glass were next to his elbow.
He jumped and lifted his head when I barged in and he looked at me shocked.
His hand quickly flew up to his eye and wiped what I could have sworn was a tear, from what I could have sworn was a wet face. But I was too pissed off to even acknowledge it.
"Ya know....we used to be really good friends. And it hurts like hell to be treated like this by you. So whatever you're trying to do, you could be NICE about it, at least. I'm NOT your enemy, you know!" I yelled at him, and stood there, hands on my hips, waiting for his response.
He stood up and faced me. "Well if you know what I'm trying to do, then why don't you get the hint and avoid me!" he said, sounding rude as usual.
"Because I DON'T know what you're trying to do! You haven't TOLD ME! I'm just here GUESSING! I woke up one day, and the Louis I knew and loved was GONE! Replaced by AS.SHOLE Louis!" I spewed the truth at his face.
He looked at me and sighed.
"Just go, Gwen", he said, in a more controlled tone, but still not pleasant.
"Oh, sorry....are your SL.UTS coming? Am I in their way?" I shot back, not even arguing fair now. I was just hurt, and I wanted to hurt him, to save myself from being the only stupid, foolish, hurt one.
"Really? Sl.uts? Oh, like YOU'RE one to ta......" he stopped right there and his mouth shook for a second and I heard a small gasp leave his lips. His eyes widened for a split second, too. Then his mouth dropped open.
But the damage was done. I knew EXACTLY what he had been going to say. And the tears came like a tsunami. Instantly. I think my face was wet before I even got the chance to gasp and drop my jaw. I'm not sure. I just remember those things happening.
I don't even remember going to my bedroom. I was just...suddenly there.
I don't remember ducking into the closet, over the shoes on the floor, and under all the shirts and hoodies that hung on the rack. I was just....suddenly there.
And I was crying. HARD.
This felt pretty much just as bad as the time I tried to get myself killed. Because of what Harry had almost said. Almost calling me a who.re. I understood later what he meant, and I realized I'd overreacted. But what Louis had just said?
No.
There was NO getting around that. There was no "I didn't mean it." He knew exactly what he was saying, and he knew exactly how to hurt me. And boy did he.
But WHY did he feel the need to hurt me? That was the part I didn't understand. And that was the thing that hurt me most. Besides what he said.
I had to try and cry as silently as possible, because I felt like a fool. Being nice to him, making him lunch, trying so hard to keep our friendship...or what was left of it. I'd have settled for a tiny thread of what it was, at this point. But he brought out the big guns. He said something he KNEW was sure to destroy me inside. And it worked. To think that I actually had love for this man?
I couldn't keep the cries in. When I put my hands over my mouth tight, I'd get farting sounds coming out where the sobs of air tried to push through. Or I'd get loud nasal sobs. When I loosened my hands, I'd get the loud sobs. I couldn't win. I couldn't control it.
So I eventually gave up trying.
I started wondering how Louis could say that to me. I started wondering if he actually saw me as a slut. I started wondering about everyone I knew. Everyone who "loved me", so they said. My mum. My dad. My Aunt Jackie. The kids, they didn't know about me, obviously..... My Aunt Jilly....Uncle Sam, even Harry's parents and sister.
Did everyone think of me as a who.re?
Was everyone just one angry moment away from saying it to my face?
Realizing the possibility that this was true, made me cry even harder in the small dark closet.
I was crying so hard now, I was starting to get woozy, from hyperventilating as I tried to catch breaths between gut wrenching sobs.
As if I didn't have enough to cry about, the longer Lou did NOT come rushing in to find me and console me from his mental punch in my face, the more I realized he must have really meant it. Because even Dark Louis had glimpses of good Louis. Surely he'd realize he fvcked up BIG, and come try to apologize.
But he wasn't coming.
And I'd been crying in this closet for minutes now.
The crying just wouldn't stop. He hurt my feelings SO fvcking bad, I was still shocked that HE could say that to me. After all the times he told me he loved me. All the times he'd admitted that he was helplessly, hopelessly in love with me. That I was his fvcking dream girl. That he could never find someone that would make him happy like I would make him happy......
And all the while, he thought I was a sl.ut? A who.re? A pros.ti.tute.
I just didn't understand men. I thought I did now, but....their inner monster always comes out, I suppose. I guess EVERY man is a monster, after all. Just a few of them can hide it better.
I'd just keep loving Harry as long as possible, until HIS inner monster came out someday.
Maybe I'd just have to....lower my standards. Just accept that every human male has evil in them, and sometimes it slips out. And I'd just have to deal with it, if I wanted to have guys around me at all. Harry. Louis. My dad, etc..
I'd have to start to settle.
But right now, it was all I could do just to breathe.
I still cried so hard that I could barely get a breath between sobs. I was really heading towards fainting any second. I could feel it.
Covering my mouth tight only made it worse. It made me forget to try and take breaths.
I was starting to see gray on the sides of my eyes. Even though there was no light in the closet, except for the slots on the sliding doors....I still saw gray.
My head started to bob. I tried to keep it together, but I was losing.
Just then, light came flooding into the closet. I couldn't think, and the light was quickly faded on the sides of my eyes. Something pushed me. Pushed my head down. It grabbed my body and pushed my knees down flat, and pushed my chest down to my lap, along with my head.
I couldn't move. My arms jerked at my sides and my head was useless. Hanging limp as I was losing my battle to keep consciousness.
Soon I realized my vision started to come back. I could gradually see my lap appearing before my eyes. I started to gain control of my head again. I tried to pull it up, but something....some ONE?...pushed it to stay down.
I heard a voice, but...it was like an echo. Or like off in the distance. My arms...I could control them now. I reached up to whatever was keeping my head down between my legs.
Not until I said a coherent word, did the hands on my back and head loosen up.
"Let go.....of me.....let..."
They let me lift back up to a sitting position now, but very very slowly.
When I sat all the way up, I blinked a few times, and there was Louis.
He was hanging into the closet, reaching far in, his head half hidden by hanging shirts and hoodies.
His eyes were wide and...wet?
When my eyes locked onto his, I saw pure sadness.
He looked down and grabbed my feet now, and pulled.
I slid out of the closet with ease on the wooden floor, along with a bunch of shoes.
He pulled me out and scooped me right up under my upper back and under my knees, and carried me over to Harry and I's bed.
He put me down gently and told me to lay down.
I didn't want to lay down. I wanted to hit Lou. I wanted to hurt him. Because he hurt me. It was all coming back to me....I had almost fainted because of crying so hard because he said something so terrible to me, our friendship was definitely over, now.
And this realization made me burst out in MORE tears and MORE loud sobs.
"Gwen....calm down. Calm down Gwen. You're gonna pass out. You have to calm down", Louis told me. I'd started swinging my hands around now. Just anywhere they'd possibly hit something. I couldn't see through my tears anyway.
"Gwen! Please! Stop hitting me. I'm so sorry Gwen. I am! I'm so sorry I said that.....I didn't mean it....you KNOW I didn't mean it....I was just.....an aaah.....stop trying to hit me, will you please!? I was an asshole! I know I was. And I didn't mean to hurt y......STOP HITTING AT ME! Gwen!!"
I had gotten some good shots in. I knew I had. I didn't know where, but from the way he was struggling, trying to catch my arms, and the times he'd stop talking mid sentence because I got him, meant I was successful in my mission to make him hurt. If I couldn't hurt him like he had been hurting me for the past few weeks....if I couldn't hurt him like he'd just hurt me minutes ago, then I'd hurt him this way.
I didn't even care. No one truly loved me. I'd thought they did, but they don't. If I make them mad, their true feelings will come out. It just so happens that I'm fvcking NICE to everyone, so no one else has told me how they REALLY see me yet. But fvck this. I'll piss EVERYONE off. I'll go down the list. I'll make everyone's feelings come out at me, so I can stop living this sham of a life. It's all a lie. A big fvcking lie. How could I have been so foolish? So blind!? I KNEW no one could love me. I knew I was trash. I knew it all along. But they fooled me. Stupid, foolish me. They all had me fooled into thinking I could be someone like them. That I wasn't a who.re.
But I am. And they all secretly hate me.
All these thoughts and realizations only made me swing harder at Louis. I could tell I got him in the face a few times. I hoped there'd be bruises. I got him in the chest, the arms, shoulders, the stomach....I swung and swung, and every time he'd catch one of my arms to stop me, I'd bite him and he'd flinch away and I'd be free. If he didn't like getting hit, then why was he leaning over top of me anyway? Why didn't he just leave? Leave me to my slutty self.
"Gwen PLEASE! Just calm down so I can talk to you! Why are you doing this? Gwen, I'm SORRY! I'm so sorry! Please....stop it!" Louis begged, the last few words coming out in a sob.
"WHAT....the FVCK is going on? Lou?" I heard from the doorway, a new voice. It was Harry. He was back.
I felt Louis's entire body leave the bed in one second.
And then a new body crawled up next to me, but I was still swinging and kicking and crying. I was out of control.
"Gwen. Baby please.....it's Me. Harry. I'm here baby. Please tell me what's wrong. What happened? Gwen, please.....don't hit me. It's ME, babe. It's ME. Hey! I love you.....please stop....OW! Come on Gwen, stop!" Harry was begging me to stop now. But I couldn't. I was a fool. A stupid fool. A stupid, foolish WHO.RE, and if I kept going like this, Harry would get angry and spew the truth to my face soon, too.
"No Harry! I'm stupid! So fvcking stupid! I'm such a FOOL! Who was I kidding? Why? Why did you all lie to me?? I'll always be trash, Harry! ALWAYS! I'm TRASH! I'm a WHO.RE! Why do you try and make me think I'm not, when you ALL know I am!?!? I'll always.....be......NO ONE!" I scream/cried. I only caught glimpses of Harry's face as I spazzed, but he didn't look happy.
He finally tried really hard this time, using his legs to struggle and straddle me, so I was held down by him, then he finally used both hands to concentrate on ONE of my arms. Whichever one he could grab as it flailed everywhere.
He caught one in both hands, and my other made up for it, doing double time. I got him in the face. I could feel his slight stubble on my knuckles. I might have gotten his nose, too. I wasn't quite sure.
He couldn't grab my other hand, so I started to feel pain in the one he had a grip on.
He was squeezing me. Slowly harder and harder on my hand, so I'd stop.
But I didn't care. I knew pain. It didn't even bother me. I kept going.
"No! Nooo! Get AWAY from me! Just LEAVE! Everyone LEAVE ME!!!! I'm NOTHING! NO!!!!!" I was screaming. I felt out of my mind. I could tell I was. But I couldn't reign myself in. I was a fool all this time. For a year, I'd been a damn fool. Tricked by everyone. And I couldn't stop.
Harry gave up the squeezing, because that wasn't working. It did hurt, though. But he probably couldn't get himself to keep going. Instead, he leaned his entire body down on me. His chest was over my face. I turned my head to the side so I could breathe, and now I couldn't get good shots in. I felt helpless for a few seconds, and he found those few seconds, and took his chance.
He grabbed my other hand. He got my wrist, but gradually moved up to my hand.
He lifted himself back up to sitting on top of me, moving back so I couldn't keep trying to kick him in the back with the top of my knees.
Now that he had me, I was done. I couldn't move.