He was distant again.
I sighed as I watch him work inside his four walled office. Hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko para makuha ang atensyon niya. Ayoko nang ganito. Magkasama kami pero dinadaan-daanan niya lang ako. After what happened the other night, akala ko okay na kami, ininsulto man niya ako, ayos lang sa akin, sabi ko nga, lahat ng galing kay Adam, tatanggapin ko dahil mahal ko siya at kahit paano alam kong may nararamdaman siya sa akin – galit nga lang. Hindi ko na iniisip kung paano niya ako mapapatawad. Naniniwala ako that everything will fall into places pero gusto ko pa rin siyang makinig sa akin. I owe him a very long explanation pero hindi naman niya ako gustong pakinggan.
The other night he said that I made him who he is today – kapag naaalala ko iyon ay naiiyak ako. I turned the man I love into a stone. Alam kong kasalanan ko iyon at gusto kong baguhin iyon.
"Adam." I called him. Dahan-dahan akong pumasok sa office niya.
"Get out, I'm working." Malamig na sabi niya. I bit my lower lip.
"Adam, I just... we'll we run out of supplies." Wika ko. He looked at me. His eyes were cold and dark that it brought chill to my bones. I cleared my throat.
"Get dressed, we're going to the grocery." Wika niya sa akin. Tumango na lang ako at saka tumalikod. Nagpalit ako ng t-shirt at pantaloon – nasa bahay lang kasi ako so I was wearing shorts and spaghetti strap. When I got out of our room, I saw him standing near the huge drawer on the side of his living room, natigilan ako nang makita ko ang hawak niya. It was the mask I left him that night when I first saw him. Binalingan niya ako.
"This is yours, right?" He asked me. I nodded, what's the use of denying it. "Trash. Lahat ng galing sa'yo, basura." Mariing wika niya. Hindi ako nagsalita. Tumalikod siya, nanginginig ang tuhod na sumunod ako sa kanya. I really wanted to cry. Gusto ko siyang tanungin kung hanggang kailan niya ba ako sasaktan. Kung hanggang kailan niya ba ako pahihirapan. I-deserve everything he's throwing at me, pero hanggang kailan ko ba kakayanin.
We went to his car, after a while, he's driving alongside of the metro. Wala pa rin siyang kibo. Nakatingin naman ako sa labas ng bintana, I couldn't help but cry. Everything was just so painful right now. Nang huminto kami sa tapat ng isang mall ay saka ko lang pinahid ang mga luha ko, akala ko bumaba na siya. Napasinghot pa ako, when I turned around to take my seatbealt, I saw him looking at me, his forehead was knotted in a way that I know he was wondering what's happening.
"Why are you crying?" He asked. Hindi ko maipaliwanag ang tono ng boses niya, para siyang nag-aalala. Wala ang galit doon, hindi tulad kanina.
"Wala." I cleared my throat. "Na-miss ko lang si Daddy. I was just wondering if he's okay." Pagkasabi noon ay bumaba ako ng sasakyan. Sumunod siya. Hindi ko alam kung gaano ka-mugto ang mga mata ko but that was enough to make him nice to me at nagulat talaga ako. Habang nasa supermarket kami ay kinakausap niya ako, tinatanong kung anong gusto ko, he was actually asking for my opinion and I couldn't believe it.
"Ito, gusto mo?" He was holding up a cereal box. Umiling ako. "Ayaw?" I looked away. Kumuha ako ng coffee, gusto kasi niya iyon, he drinks coffee every morning before going to work. Nilagay ko iyon sa cart. Nagtaka lang ako noong mapansin kong wala si Adam doon. Nagpalinga-linga ako. Nasaan na iyon?
Ako na lang ang nagtulak ng cart, maya-maya ay narinig ko siyang tinatawag ako.
"Aura!" He called. I looked back. Now he's holding boxes of chocolates and some wafers. "Ito, gusto mo? Bibilin ko ito."
"Ayoko niyan." Mahinang sabi ko. I tried hiding my smile. Posible pa lang maging cute si Adam kahit na magaspang na ang ugali niya ngayon. Napakamot pa siya ng ulo. Hindi ko na napigilan ang mapangiti.
"Eh anong gusto mo?" Tanong niya bigla.
"Sana maging mabait ka sa akin..." Bulong ko.
"What?" He asked. I cleared my throat again.
"Ice cream." Sabi ko na lang.
"Okay!" Dali-dali siyang tumakbo sa dessert section. Sumunod naman ako sa kanya. I saw him picking out ice cream. Tumayo ako sa tabi niya.
"Anong flavor?" Tanong niya sa akin.
"Double dutch." Sabi ko. Habang nakayuko siya at kinukuha ang ice cream ko, napansin kong pinagtitinginan si Adam ng mga babae sa paligid ko. I sighed. Nakadama ako ng pagkairita. Kung tingnan nila si Adam parang hinuhubaran na nila. Gusto ko sanang sumigaw nang: Hoy! Asawa ko iyan!" But I kept my mouth shut because I reminded myself that I haven't been a wife to him for the last six years.
"Bakit?" Hindi ko napansin na nakatingin na siya sa akin.
"Huh?" Nagtatakang tanong ko. "W-wala. Lika na. Sa may toiletries na tayo." Sabi ko sa kanya. Sumunod naman siya sa akin. I picked picked out soaps and shampoos, siya din naman. Hindi ako masyadong maka-concentrate kasi tinitingnan na naman siya ng mga kababaihan. Iniirapan ko silang lahat.
Inis na kumuha ako ng sanitary napkin. Nang bumaling ako sa kanya ay kunot na kunot ang noo niya.
"Para saan iyan?" Tanong niya.
"Sa period ko!" I hissed. Natawa siya.
"Mukha ngang may period ka ngayon. Ang sungit mo, Aura." Komento niya.
"Wala akong period at hindi ako masungit." Sabi ko sa kanya.
"Wala? So pwede tayo mamaya." Komento niya ulit. I looked at him. "What? I told you, you're mine. I can do anything with you, you once said that." Tapos noon ay tinalikuran niya ako. I felt myself blush. Napailing ako – a blushing stripper – nag-e-exist ba talaga ang ganoon? Si Adam naman kasi, kung ano-anong pinagsasabi.
Nagbayad na kami sa cashier, I was just standing near him. Nahuli kong kinindatan pa siya ng kahera, nang bumaling sa akin ang babae ay pinanlakihan ko naman siya ng mata that was when Adam laughed.
"Sorry, miss, nagseselos lang iyong asawa ko. Kinindatan mo kasi ako." Natatawang sabi niya. My mouth literally fell.
"Ay, may asawa ka na?" Halos sabay-sabay na sabi ng mga cashier doon. Maski iyong bagger nakisama.
Adam smiled at took my hand. Hinalikan niya pa ako sa pisngi. I felt my insides melt. That moment, I realized na bipolar pala si Adam. Kanina halos itapon niya ako sa basurahan pero ngayon ang sweet niya. What the fuck just happened?
Hinila niya ako palabas ng supermarket, nakatingin pa rin ako sa kamay nniyang nakahawak sa kamay ko.
"Kumain muna tayo bago umuwi." Sabi niya. Ganoon pa rin ang tono niya, friendly. I looked at him. May sakit ba siya? Sinapian ba siya o naiwan iyong totoong Adam sa loob.
"Wait lang." Sabi ko. Huminto siya. Binawi ko iyong kamay ko sa kanya. "Huwag, Adam, baka may makakita sa atin."
And I regretted what came out of my mouth immediately after I saw his expression darkened.
"Putang ina, basura talaga." He hissed at me. I bit my lower lip. Hindi na niya ako hinintay, naglakad na siya palayo sa akin. Again, I cried that moment. Galit na naman siya, iniisip ko lang naman siya, na baka may makakita sa aming dalawa, baka makilala ako, baka makilala siya at kung anong isipin. I don't want to drag his name on the mud that I am in. Tama na iyong ako na lang ang nadapa, ayoko na siyang isama, pero tulad lang noon, kahit anong gawin ko, mali pa rin para sa kanya...
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"Ayusin mo mag-isa iyan."
Malamig na naman ang trato niya sa akin nang makabalik kami sa bahay. Gusto kong sabunutan ang sarili ko dahil sinabi ko pa iyon sa kanya. Ano ba kung hawakan niya ako? Gusto ko rin naman kaya lang kasi baka makilala siya at kung anong masabi nila. I don't want people to identify Adam to be the guy holding some strippers hand. I don't want to risk his name. Masyado nang malaki ang nakataya ngayon sa pangalan niya. Binuhat ko ang grocery bags at nilagay iyon sa counter top.
Nang matapos ako ay tinawag ko na siya para kumain. Hindi siya sumunod sa akin so I ate alone again. I was already eating the ice cream he bought for me when he entered the kitchen – half naked, his glorious abs was in front of me. He glared at me. I bit my lower lip.
"G-gusto mo?" Alok ko sa kanya. Nilagpasan niya ako. Nakita kong kumuha siya ng tubig. Hindi na ako nagsalita, I continued eating my ice cream. Naramdaman kong lumapit siya sa akin.
"Subuan mo ako." Utos niya. I looked up at him. He was standing next to me. Mas matangkad siya sa akin, hanggang dibdib niya lang ako.
"O-okay..." I scooped a spoonful of ice cream and took the spoon on his mouth, he ate that. Binalik ko naman iyong kutsara sa bowl ko, ako naman iyong kumain ngayon. Suddenly I felt his warm palms on my waist, he made me face him, nang magkaharap na kami agad na bumaba ang labi niya sa labi ko, because I was eating my ice cream, my mouth was a bit parted and he took that as a chance to insert his tongue on me, the ice cream was still there and his tongue acted as if he was tasting the ice cream inside of me. I felt hot – so hot that I wanted to tak my clothes off and beg for him to kiss me all over. Siguro ay nabasa niya ang iniisip ko. He ripped my shirt apart and he used force to take my jeans off. PInagsawa ko naman ang mga palad ko sa paghaplos sa katawan niya –particularly to his abdominal part. Hindi pa rin niya nilulubayan ang mga labi ko. He even bit my lower lip and because of that, I groaned – it's kinda painful and yet it feels sot hot.
He kneaded my breasts with his two hands. I moaned again. I was still wearing that lacey bra. His kisses went down to my neck, to my collar bone until he reached for my sensitive mounds. He put one on his mouth, he was sucking and playing with it while unclasping my bra, he let that fall to the cold pavement. Slowly, he was bending down, the next thing I knew, he was kneeling in front of me. He took off my panties using his mouth and when it was finally off, he started kissing me from my tors, up to my knees, to my thighs and finally, he reached my core and all I could do was sigh with pleasure.
I never thought Adam could be this good – he was so much better than what I could remember – wala namang nangyari sa amin noon – but we have shared some firey moments – those were the times that I regretted the most – sana pinilit ko na lang siya noon na kunin ang para sa kanya – siguro hindi siya gaanong magagalit sa akin.
I was moaning loud and hard when I felt my release, he licked me clean and stood up after that. Hinawakan niya ako sa baywang at saka marahang inangat. Now, we're both standing in front of the refrigerator, he made me lean my back in there, he held my thighs on his hand and that was when I felt him inside me. Napahawak ako sa balikat niya. My feet were above the floor, I was biting my lip because I didn't want to scream so loud. I was afraid that someone might hear us.
"Do not fucking close your eyes, Aura." He said in a very dark tone. "I want you to look at me as I fuck you!" He hissed. I didn't know why but I only felt so much hotter as he said those words. I didn't close my eyes, I looked at him, his eyes were dark and sensual, I could see his desire. He was thrusting pretty hard, I could feel him deeper than before. He was hitting a spot – the spot that only gives me more pleasure than what he was already giving me.
"Oh god, I'm coming!" I screamed.
"Fuck! Come for me, Aura! Moan for me."
"Adam! Ahhhh! Adam! Oh god!"
I came twice, thrice, I have lost count. My knees were woobly but he was still thrusting in and out and finally after some minutes. He stop and held on my waist tightly. I felt him shooting his essence inside of me. Matapos iyon ay saka niya lang ako binitiwan. Napaupo ako sa sahig. I could still feel his release inside of me.
I looked up at him. He was just staring down at me, then he grinned.
"I will make sure that before you get out of my life, no man can ever satisfy you just like the way I do. Nice fuck, by the way."
He walked out and for the nth time, he left me alone feeling so bad about the choice I made six years ago.
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