I asked Charlotte about bathroom privileges during lunch. She told me every patient had ten minutes before the meal ends to use the bathroom. I felt bad for leaving Aurelia by herself, but I couldn't fight the urge anymore. So far, I had done well about not risking it in public. I told Aurelia I had to use the bathroom and that I'd be back in five minutes.
The bathrooms were down the hall, past the hallway of the patients' rooms. The minute I walk in, the smell of feces and vomit attacks my nostrils. I knew Amhearst was under staffed, but I didn't know it was this bad. What made it even worse is that each toilet was just side by side, nothing at all separating them.
I pulled my undergarments down and my gown up. It's much too sensitive to just touch, so I run a hand along my inner thigh. I close my eyes and tilt my head back. I could already feel that familiar warm sensation sitting in my pelvis. I removed my gown completely and readjusted myself. If I didn't touch it now, I would explode. I inserted a finger. It just slid in and came out just as easily. I repeated this until- damn it.
Another one of the patients rushes in. Charlotte comes in after that patient and catches me in the act. "Fuck," I whisper.
"You know I have to call Dr. Ridgeway," she says almost apologetically.
"Yes, I know. It's fine," I slip my gown back over my head. Henry and John come in to escort me to Dr. Ridgeway.
•
They push me into the door again. Dr. Ridgeway is sitting behind his desk again.
"Again, already?" He sighs as he waves the two men away, leaving just him and I.
"Nothing is wrong with me. I don't deserve to be here," I say.
"Why is it so hard for you to quit these behaviors then? If you could just stop, we could send you back home. Your release is always that easy," he smiles with condescension.
"I don't know why I keep doing it! I keep thinking that it has to be a normal function if it's so hard to stop. Maybe the body needs it," I'm desperate at this point. I will say anything to avoid punishment.
He says nothing, but walks up to me slowly. I stand in the open space of his office and I notice there are no windows. His faces is inches from mine.
"What shall we do as treatment today?" He walks in a circle around me.
I tense up just at his presence. And then he does it. He hits me across the face and I fall to the floor. I know it will be a while before I leave this office. He kneels next to me and hits me again. I try to push him back, but he grabs my arm. I kick and try to crawl away, but he grabs my leg and drags me across the hard wood floor and holds me down. "Maybe you need a punishment fitting for your crime," he whispers.
He calls John and Henry in. I'm relieved. They'll come in and take me somewhere away from Dr. Ridgeway. Instead, he has them hold me down while he retrieves a switch from the wall. I prepare myself for the pain. My parents use to punish my brothers and I with switches. It's never that bad until it's over. Except, Dr. Ridgeway pulls my undergarments off and inserts the switch. I scream in agony as he forces it in. This lasts for an hour.
I go to my room because that's the only place I want to be right now. I want to be alone. As soon as I close the door and sit on the bed, I start bawling. Charlotte comes in when she passes by and hears my sobs.
"Are you alright, Caroline?" She asks sweetly.
I try to speak, but I can't. I'm too overwhelmed, so I just shake my head.
"What happened?"
"D-Dr. Ridgeway is a horrible man," I try my best to whisper.
She rubs my back, "I know. I suggest just doing what he says and getting out of here."
"That's just it. I can't stop. I'm starting to think there's actually something really wrong with me," I sob and wipe a tear from my eye.
"I'm so sorry, Caroline. You seem like such a nice girl. You don't deserve to be here. Dr. Ridgeway has done these things for years," I can tell she wants to help disparately, but has no idea how. "You're not supposed to be here right now, but I'll let you stay. I'll be back in about two hours to get you for dinner."