*** Love & Marriage ***
"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." Sacha Guitry.
"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that." Steve Martin.
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife." Groucho Marx
"In married life three is company and two none." Oscar Wilde
"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't." Spike Milligan
"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." Socrates.
"The General was essentially a man of peace, except of course in his domestic affairs." Oscar Wilde
"Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage." Ambrose Bierce
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." Groucho Marx
"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe." Jimmy Durante.
"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse." Groucho Marx
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henry Youngman.
"If we take matrimony at it's lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognised by the police." Robert Louis Stevenson.
"If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?" Lilly Tomlin.
"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means." George Burns.
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde
"My computer dating bureau came up with a perfect gentleman. Still, I've got another three goes." Sally Poplin.
"Mom & Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three." Billie Holiday.
"Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them." Ogden Nash.
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close knit family in another city." George Burns.
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." Rodney Dangerfield.
"Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel." Leonardo Di Vinci.
"I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern." Mickey Rooney.
"A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing." Duane Dewel.
"The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much." Colin Chapman.
"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker." Woody Allen
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." Patrick Murray.
"I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife." Tony Curtis.
"A woman voting for divorce is like a turkey voting for Christmas." Alice Glynn.
"The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men." Aristotle.
*** About Women ***
"Women should be obscene and not heard." Groucho Marx
"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce." Mark Twain
"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult." Charlotte Whitton.
"I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again." Joan Rivers.
"Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself." Roseanne Barr.
"Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement." Mark Twain
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke." Groucho Marx
"Wild horses couldn't drag a secret out of a woman. However, women seldom have lunch with wild horses." Ivern Boyett.
"Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing." Sean Williamson.
"If a woman insists on being called Ms, ask her if it stands for miserable." Russell Bell.
"Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilt and I'll show you a man." Erica Jong.
"I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute." Rebecca West.
"As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied." Oscar Wilde
"When women kiss it always reminds me of prize fighter shaking hands." HL Mencken.
"One of the reasons I don't see eye to eye with Women's Lib is that women have it all on a plate if only they knew it. They don't have to be pretty either." Charlotte Rampling.
"When women go wrong, men go right after them." Mae West.
"She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven." Joan Rivers.
"She looked as if she'd been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say when." PG Wodehouse.
"Women are nothing but machines for producing children." Napolean Bonaparte.
"An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her." Agatha Christie.
*** About Men ***
"The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things." Jilly Cooper.
"You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths." Steven Wright
"Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable." Cher.
"A genius is a man who can rewrap a new shirt and not have any pins left over." Dino Levi.
"Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you." Mae West.
"The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest." Roseanne Barr.
"When I eventually met Mr Right I had no idea that his first name was Always." Rita Rudner.
"No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas." Ashleigh Brilliant.
"If you've got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow." John Wayne.
"Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.." Diana Jordan.
*** Sex, Sex, Sex ***
"Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love." Woody Allen
"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less." Brendan Francis.
"There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid." Denis Leary
"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself." Emo Philips
"It's better to be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother." Charles Pierce.
"A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'." Woody Allen
"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture." Robin Williams.
"Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent." RD Laing.
"Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions." Woody Allen
"An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex." Edgar Wallace.
"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." Woody Allen
"My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often." Emo Philips
"When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities." Matt Groening.
"Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them." Steve Martin.
"It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who." Joan Rivers.
"If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all." Rodney Dangerfield.
"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one." Woody Allen
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Emo Philips
"What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I'm home." Ken Hammond.
"Like most men, I am consumed with desire whenever a lesbian gets within twenty feet." Taki.
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy." Steve Martin.
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." Joan Rivers.
"I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats though." Elton John.
"My girlfiend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'." Emo Philips
"I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women." Bernard Manning.
"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own." Woody Allen
"It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on." Marylyn Munroe.
"I'm not a breast man, I'm a breast person." Jo.
"When I'm good I'm very, very good but when I'm bad I'm better." Mae West.
"Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer." Joan Rivers.
*** Children ***
"Insanity is hereditary: You can get it from your children." Sam Levinson.
"Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off." Ralph Bus.
"There are few things more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own." Doug Larson.
"I like children - fried." WC Fields.
"Everytime a child says, 'I don't believe in fairies', there's a a little fairy somewhere that falls down dead." JM Barrie.
"The trouble with children is that they're not returnable." Quentin Crisp.
"A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five." Groucho Marx
"I Love children, especially when they cry for then someone takes them away." Nancy Mitford.
"Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home." Bill Cosby.
"Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla." Jim Bishop.
"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years." Mark Twain
"The child was a keen bed-wetter." Noel Coward.
"I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me." Rodney Dangerfield.
"My parents used to beat the shit out of me. And, looking back on it, I'm glad they did. I'm looking forward to beating the shit out of my own kids, for no reason whatsoever." Denis Leary
"When you're eight years old nothing is your business." Lenny Bruce.
"In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television." Erma Bombeck.
"Never underestimate a child's ability to get into more trouble." Martin Mull.
"I never met a kid I liked." WC Fields.
"I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder." Craig Charles.
"Children nowadays are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food and tyrannise their teachers." Socrates.
"Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add." Fran Lebowitz.
"Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your head." Martin Mull.
"Childhood is that wonderful time of life when all you need to do to lose weight is take a bath." Richard Zera.
"The real menace about dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old." Jean Kerr.
"My eleven year old daughter mopes around the house all day waiting for her breasts to grow." Bill Cosby.
"No wonder people are so horrible when they start life as children." Kingsley Amis.
"There are only two things a child will share willingly; communicable diseases and its mother's age." Benjamin Spock.
"My unhealthy affection for my second daughter has waned. Now I despise all my seven children equally." Evelyn Waugh.
"Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'." Joan Rivers.
"The baby is fine, the only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson." Woody Allen
"I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks." Emo Philips
"Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat." Fran Lebowitz.
"I understand the importance of bondage between parent and child." Dan Quayle
"Until I was thirteen I thought my name was 'Shutup'." Joe Namath.
"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included." Bernard Manning.
"Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet." Bill Cosby.
"Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, 'What are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your life!'." Steven Wright
"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend." Emo Philips
"There are two things in life for which we are never truly prepared: Twins." Josh Billings.
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it." Groucho Marx
*** Old Age & Death ***
"At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual." Patrick Moore.
"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down." George Burns.
"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens." Woody Allen
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped." Groucho Marx
"To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness." Oscar Wilde
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying." Woody Allen
"So my choice is 'Or Death?'." Eddie Izzard
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels." Groucho Marx
"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off." Johnny Carson.
"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes." Emo Philips
"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch." Woody Allen
"The report of my death was an exaggeration." Mark Twain
"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples." George Burns.
"Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate." Ambrose Bierce
"It's funny how most people love the dead, once you're dead your made for life." Jimi Hendrix.
"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap." Bob Hope.
"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick." George Burns.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." Mariah Carey.
"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?" Woody Allen
"They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days." Garrison Kielor.
"When you've told someone that you've left them a legacy the only decent thing to do is to die at once." Samuel Butler.
"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there." George Burns.
"My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping." Rita Rudner.
"On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down ." Woody Allen
"People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." George Burns.
"I do wish I could tell you my age but it's impossible. It keeps changing all the time." Greer Garson.
"At my age flowers scare me." George Burns.
"I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere." George Burns.
"I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." Rita Rudner.
"My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?" Margaret Smith.