That night I couldn’t sleep.
I tossed and turned relentlessly like it would make me forget the memories and questions burning through my mind like a seesaw, jumping back and forth from one thing to another and hitting the ground with such force it made my head spin. There was so much running through my mind that I couldn’t quiet down and push to the back of my head like usual, they were incredibly adamant, and I blame it all on Niall.
The only thing that kept dancing around in my head was Niall’s taunting message, ‘You never know who’s looking’ and I had no idea what he meant by it. Even the next day when I went to school it invaded my every thought, and when it got to the point where I was getting distracted and writing the phrase down on paper instead of the notes copied on the front board, I knew that I needed to know what Niall meant.
And I needed to know soon.
***
I drove cautiously to the coffee shop after school, feeling anxious and nervous and reluctant to be doing this. What if Niall’s just messing with me and it’s all a cruel joke? What if he won’t even be there and I’ll be stuck alone and more confused than before?
I almost turned around and went home because of the negative outcomes I was making up, but I kept reminding myself that I was in need of answers that only Niall possessed. And I kept telling myself this the whole ride over, up to when I was about to open the door.
It’ll be okay. It’ll be okay. It’ll be okay.
I stepped into the shop with eagerness and disinclination, my body rejecting and pulling at the same time as I looked around for an army-patterned jumper, jeans, and white high tops that Niall had been wearing at school earlier. The thought of how mad I sounded remembering what exactly Niall was wearing crossed my mind, but just for a moment before it was mixed with every emotion blanketing my thoughts.
My eyes flitted around the room continuously but there was no Niall to be found. I felt my heart sink to the pit of my stomach as I discovered that this truly was all just a joke. That I was right all along, and the painful truth set in. I could only see middle-aged couples and young hipsters on their laptops and girls my age and baristas behind the counter and-
Blonde hair styled to perfection. Rosy red lips that seemed as pure as an angel’s. Large hands splayed out on the table. Blue eyes staring fervently out the window at a cloudy sky. Tattoos and piercings that stood out like a black flower in a sea of white. Niall. He was here.
I could feel my heart leap back up and a reassuring smile make its way on my face, both from the fact that Niall wasn’t lying and also because he looked so incredibly content sitting there alone; I almost didn’t want to disturb him and all the beauty he carried.
I began to move my feet toward the table he was sitting at near the back, away from everybody, and I could feel the electricity run through my feet to my head the closer I got to him. My heart yearned to at least relive the day before when it was just the two of us, and my heart was pounding with every feeling possible.
And then I was standing in front of him, trying to hide the smiles and blushes barely being concealed.
“Hello.” I greeted timidly, beginning to smell a whiff of subtle cologne that overpowered the scent of coffee beans and vanilla surrounding us.
Niall’s head spun around quickly and I caught him off guard, but he quickly recomposed himself and gave me a half-smile. “Hey there. Glad you made it, Curly.” Niall smirked and my cheeks immediately reacted. Did he just give me a nickname?
I dropped my bag on the ground and took a seat.
“I ordered you something already,” he pushed a hot mug toward me, “thought you’d like mint hot cocoa.” Niall said, trying to hide the fact that he did something nice with a nod of his head.
I looked up with gratitude and nodded my head, amazement settling in. “That’s my favorite! How’d you know?”
Niall shrugged his shoulders, “Lucky guess.” And the way he said it made it seem like he meant more by it, but I ignored my quick assumptions. Although I didn’t ignore the nagging feeling that, how in the world did Niall know mint hot cocoa was my absolute favorite? It’s not exactly rare, but then again I don’t know many people who share the same liking to it.
“So…um, that history test was hard, huh?” I commented, trying to get a decent conversation going. And because the test really was a tough one, even if I studied for two hours straight.
Niall leaned back in his chair and shook his head knowingly, letting a chuckle slide past his smooth lips.
“I know that’s not what you’re really thinking, Hadley.” Niall deadpanned, looking me deep in the eyes with those cold navy marbles. It was clear he wasn’t in his happy, innocent mood. Not this time.
“Then what am I here for?” I asked, averting my gaze to the smooth liquid splashing against the sides of my mug. It was kind of like me right now, trying so hard to get further with my knowledge but stuck behind these walls that postponed my thoughts and threw me back to square one.
Niall smirked and leaned closer to my face, his gaze like a magnet that brought my eyes up to meet his. “You’re here so I can tell you the truth.” He spoke slowly, surely. I held back a gasp at how alluring he looked so up close to me. So beautifully molded and carved that he belonged in a museum, not in a coffee shop with a girl nowhere near his level. I gazed back at the flawless figure sitting in front of me, unable to speak until the words found their way onto my tongue and past my lips.
“What truth is there to tell?” I asked and blinked up at him with my deep brown eyes, question behind each shaky breath I took. I felt myself going under his spell for the hundredth time, no shield or sword to fight back. No armor to protect myself from falling in love with someone who never would love me back.
“You tell me.” He challenged, hot breath fanning my face as well as his eyes. Those eyes. The cold marbles that I begged to find the light in, somewhere behind the blue-black costume he wore. I knew he was just hiding the gold, too proud to let it show.
His head tilted to the side and tongue clicked against his teeth, amused by my lack of words.
My cheeks burned in a rage of confusion and anger, anger that I got choked up over a boy I had no past present or future with. Anger that Niall was interrogating me like this. Anger that I still hadn’t said anything back to prove I wasn’t frigid. Anger because that’s all I ever am; frigid, too afraid to speak my mind because of a ruined past.
I cleared my throat and sat up straight.
“You want the truth?” I barked.
Niall’s eyes glinted with the finality of my words.
“Alright, here;” I brought all the nagging thoughts away from the back of my mind to present themselves front and center, prepared to look like a fool in front of Niall as I spilled everything.
“I haven’t stopped thinking about you since the second you walked into my first period history class and looked me in the eyes. You’re incredible to me and the most intriguing person I’ve ever spoken to, the way you do whatever you want and have no fears or hopes or dreams that set you back and scare you away. I wish I knew more about you, Niall, you’re so bloody mysterious and I can’t figure you out no matter how hard I try. Nothing adds up when I put it together because you’re good at hiding your past, you don’t want to let people in and that’s all I wish to do. Get into your mind, your perfect head, and be something to you. Be the one person you can be completely real with and not have to put on these characters to act like your life has no cuts or wounds, because I can see them. I can see them in your eyes. And I know it’s hurting you because I was in the same position, we’ve both been through tough times that brought us down. I don’t know what you’ve been through but I want to know. I want to know you, Niall…I want you.” I said, feeling all the weight of the past few months being lifted off my shoulders and out into the open air.
I felt liberated to get every thought and conjured up logic off my chest and started to sink back into my chair with relief, but the reminder that I officially scared off Niall made me do the opposite and jump up, grab my bag in a flustered rush to leave and run to the door. Leaving behind my cooling hot cocoa and Niall without words, I burst out into the streets and ran to my car parked ten feet away, surprised to feel the wetness of tears starting to dampen my cheeks in a mixed up clump of emotions.
Before I even made it to the warmth and safety of my vehicle, I stopped at the curb and collapsed down on my bum, pressing my hands to my face to conceal the tears springing out. I wasn’t sure why I was crying or the reason of my outburst, but I knew that my decision corrupted my soft-spoken life and I would now be labeled as Niall Horan’s Stalker.
I would go from a nobody to a somebody; but for all the wrong reasons.
All these years of trying to hide my existence and make Cale proud by being alone and independent,-no fuss or rebellious phases- was now down the drain in less than two minutes because I made the fatal mistake of falling for a stupid boy. A boy I could never show my face to again.
It wasn’t long I had been sitting on the cold cement curb, crying for all the reasons and no reason at all, that I felt a hand press up against my shoulder. It startled me at first, causing a gasp to echo off my closed throat, and I knew that it was someone who had witnessed my upsurge at the coffee shop and was coming to see if I was okay.
I slowly turned around to face the person, doing my best to wipe the dampness from my eyes and cheeks but finding it hard to keep my composure. I prepared myself to explain that everything was okay and I was just upset, but when my eyes settled on familiar crystal blue everything seemed to silence themselves around me.
He was smiling down at me sheepishly, like he was the one who did something wrong instead of myself, and brushed a piece of loose curly hair from my face.
“Please,” I begged “Please don’t make me feel any more idiotic than I already am.” And I turned away and shut my eyes, preparing for the impact of his words that would rock me to my core and stick with me forever. I prepared for his disapproval and condemnation. I prepared for the worst.
But instead I felt Niall’s hands brush my cheek and cup my chin, forcing my doe eyes to meet his in a locked embrace. “Hadley, I don’t think you’re anywhere near idiotic, but I do think you’re beautiful. Ever since the day I saw you my feelings haven’t changed. Believe me when I say you’re the prettiest girl with the prettiest heart, and…and I like that.” He said with a voice soft and rhythmic like the lullabies my mother would sing to me before she died.
For a moment I just stared up at Niall with amazement and disbelief scattered across my face, tears no longer blinding my eyes and wetting my cheeks because he was here. Here with me, and his words were the only thing I needed to hear to convince myself that my work had paid off. I was no longer invisible to Niall Horan.
Because he was right here.