A hush falls over the group as I step out of the darkness into the ring of light cast by the bonfire.
I might have been walking up and down the beach for a few minutes. Or maybe a few hours. I don't know, and it doesn't matter.
I lost track of the time, as the thoughts tumbled around in my head like the raging ocean just a few feet away.
I thought about everything – the dreams, the silver ring I found in mom's jewelry box, Mia's grave, the accident, Evan, the worried looks my friends have been trying to hide from me all day – and I know what has to be done.
I sit down between Zee and Elliot in front of the fire, crossing my legs beneath me.
"Is everything alright Ash?" Elliot asks, his face glowing in the flamelight as he pokes the fire with a gnarled, blackened stick. "You were gone a long time."
All conversation around the fire has gone silent; everyone waits for my response.
"No, I'm not alright," I say finally.
No one speaks; perhaps they know what is coming next.
The silence is heavy, waiting to be filled.
"Zee and Kitty are the only ones who know my story," I say. "My whole story."
Alix sits up straighter, leaning closer. He's probably known all along, since the first day we met, that there was something dark and terrible in my past. Something I haven't been ready to share, until now.
Elliot nods, his face a mask of solemnity; Ben looks slightly confused.
Lyall looks like he wants to say something, but thinks better of it. Alastaire's brow is creased with worry.
And Felix is watching me with narrowed, wary eyes.
Don't, he seems to be saying.
But it's too late. There's no turning back.
"I'm sorry I kept you all in the dark for so long," I say.
And with that, I begin telling the sad, secret story of the bus at the bottom of the ocean.
*****
By the time I'm finished, the bonfire has burned down to ash and dying embers.
The dying light illuminates the grave faces gathered round; bound by my tale, hooked to the last word.
Zee and Kitty are both crying, the tears streaming down their faces in silence, even though they've both heard the story before.
The others wear a mix of expressions – shock, sadness, bewilderment.
I feel a light touch on my shoulder. I look up, and I realize Felix is behind me, pulling me to my feet.
His face is etched with pain, and there's a sadness in his eyes, and also a softness I never new he possessed.
"You should go there," he says. "Now. To the place it happened. Things like this... they don't go away unless you let them go. You need to say goodbye."
I'm quiet for a moment, and as I look into his eyes, I see not only my own pain reflected back at me, but the private torment he's kept hidden until this point.
He understands. I see that now. Like me, Felix has walked through Hell and back. There's something dark in his past he can't let go of, or perhaps it won't let go of him. Something like the bus, or maybe worse. A trauma. He's been fighting it all this time, just as I've been fighting.
We're drowning in the same sea. Maybe we can save each other.
I nod, lowering my gaze.
"We'll go together," he says, gently taking my hand.
"I'm coming too," Alastaire says, standing up.
"We all are," Kitty says.
"We're not all gonna fit in the car guys," Ben says.
"We don't need to," Alix says as he turns towards me. "Ash, it's about a mile or so that way, right?" He points left, towards the distant cliffs. "The spot on the road where there's that wooden cross people always leave flowers at?"
I think hard, trying to remember what my mom told me. I haven't been back to the exact spot since that day, but I remember mom saying that the families put up a cross.
I nod.
"There's a path through the trees that comes out right next to it," he says. "All the surfers around here know about it. It's an easy walk."
"Lead the way," Ben says, switching on his cell phone's torch.
The others do the same, and I wonder if it's really ok that I've completely taken over Lyall's birthday celebrations – but I catch a glimpse of his face, and I know I'm doing the right thing.
Lyall is smiling at me with a look of wonder, contentment and relief.
Like the others, he must have known all this time that I was hiding something, keeping my true self back. He steps towards me and puts one hand on my cheek, cupping my face.
His soft brown eyes are shining.
"Thank you for telling me," he says.
I nod, blinking back the tears.
We turn our backs on the tent and the fading coals, and follow Alix down the beach.
The wind picks up as we walk, and by the time we reach the tree line I can feel icy fingers of air cold on the back of my neck. We walk on a slight incline up through the dark coastal forest, the weak glow of the cell phones guiding our way over tree roots and fallen branches.
After some time we emerge from beneath the canopy, higher up the cliffs.
Lyall is far ahead, racing Ben up to the top it seems.
The path is easier to see now – a silvery snake of sand winding its way steeply towards the road. The wind batters me as I step out from the protection of the forest, and I stumble forward, straight into Elliot's broad back.
He turns around and steadies me.
"Ok?" he asks.
I nod, and we continue our ascent.
The others up ahead didn't notice, but Felix turns back, watching as Elliot and I draw nearer. Elliot passes Felix and continues up the path, but I stop walking, casting my eyes down beneath the penetrating stare. He reaches his hand out towards me.
Felix doesn't say anything. He doesn't need to.
I take his outstretched hand in my own, and we walk like that in silence.
As we move higher, further away from the ocean, the sea wind seems determined to pull us back. Freezing gusts of air send my hair flying in all directions, and Felix and I cling to each other like the faded dry golden sea grass clinging to the cliff beneath our feet.
We move carefully, step by step up the sandy path, until we emerge onto the tar road.
The others are waiting at the top for us.
Alix was right. The path really does come out right by the spot.
A few feet away, a lonely wooden cross stands on the cliff's edge alongside the road, overlooking the ocean.
A chill runs through me at the sight of it, and Felix squeezes his hand tighter around my own. I see Alastaire's eyes linger on our linked hands, and he steps towards us, his eyes sharp as knives, so I gently unclasp myself from Felix's grip.
This is no time for fighting.
Felix tries to take my hand again, but Alix has come up behind me, squishing me against his side in an awkward brotherly hug.
He releases me, smiling as he musses up my hair, like he sometimes does to Zee.
"I'm here for you, kiddo," he says.
"Don't get any ideas," Zee scolds him as she steps up beside me. "Keep your hands to yourself playa."
I smile, wishing that Jamie and Grace were here too. They've known since the beginning, and they kept my secret all this time – a burden so heavy, forced on them. For the past two years, they've carried my secret without complaint.
I kneel down before the wooden cross, and the others gather round in a semi-circle, not coming too close.
There's a single withered red rose at the base of the cross, and a message carved into the wood.
In Memory of the Victims of the Southwood Lakes Bus Tragedy
Tempus edax rerum
May it bring us peace
Several large stones are scattered around where I kneel, and I realize with a gut-wrenching clarity that these are left over from that day, fragments of the massive rock fall that slammed into the side of the bus and sent us over the edge.
I close my eyes, lean my forehead against the smooth wood of the cross.
"I'm sorry," I murmur, my voice breaking with tears. "I'm so, so sorry."
I imagine them far down below, looking up from twisted metal bones of the bus – and I know in that moment that they are not there.
They never have been.
They are here with me.
They've been with me with whole time.
Because I couldn't let them go.
I open my eyes, and reach out for a smooth, flat, black stone. It's cold as I take it in my hand.
I stand up, clutching the stone to my heart, holding it against the spot where the glass impaled me that day.
The icy wind howls all around me, but I stand straighter, fixed and unwavering.
I recall every face, every name, one by one – I pour my memories, my farewells into the dark granite. And more than that, the hurt and pain and loneliness, the loss I couldn't bear to lose – I imagine it all filling up the stone I clutch in my hand.
I think of Ms. Blythe, who died wearing the engagement ring her fiancée had given her just week before. I think of Kerry Peterson, who drew awesome manga comics and wanted to travel to Japan someday, and Glenn Peters, the class jock, and Jessie Bates, who got the top scores in every test. I think of them all.
I think of Mia, my darling Mia.
And lastly, I picture Evan.
His mop of curly dark blonde hair, the adorable dimples, the quiet love which I saw clearest in his final act.
Raising the stone to my lips, I kiss the cold black granite.
"Goodbye," I whisper onto the wind.
And with that, I hurl the stone with all my might over the cliff, releasing it onto the air, watching it fall and sink beneath the dark waves.
I hear murmuring behind me, reminding me that I'm not alone, but surrounded by Fable, Zee, Alix, Kitty.
"Look," Zee gasps, pointing up to the sky. "What the..."
Streaks of ghostly silver light fall through the glassy black vault of the heavens. A shower of falling stars, racing towards the horizon, lighting up the whole sky in every direction.
"Am I... am I dreamin'?" Lyall says. "Is that... is it a meteor shower? Someone get on the phone to NASA."
"Oh my god..." Ben mutters. "I can't... even..."
Thousands of falling stars drift down, like celestial waterfall, a private fireworks show just for us.
Someone steps up behind me, carefully wrapping his hand around mine.
I don't have to look up to know who it is.
Felix.
He holds me against him, and we watch the symphony of light in awe.
"What the hell's goin' on guys?" Lyall mutters.
"It's over," I say.
Felix pulls me closer, leaning down, his lips brushing my ear as he whispers.
"It's not over," he says. "It's only just beginning."