I stared at the white door in front of me, planning things through my head as the afternoon light shone down in front of me. Just one knock, that's all and whoever was behind it would open it. That's all it took and I couldn't do it. My heart beat was steady in my chest, but my hands were shaking and my breathing was becoming short. I didn't have to do this need. I could easily go on with my life knowing that I gave up on my brothers and sister...but I refused. Those thoughts baring down on me were one of the many reasons I stayed up all night. I dreamt of having a life without my annoying brothers and loud baby sister, but I loved that life...I needed it.
Sighing loudly, I knocked on the door and waited, running fingers through my hair. I didn't see dad's car parked in the driveway, but that didn't mean that mom wasn't here, and I really hoped she wasn't here right now. My questions were soon answered whenever I heard the lock on the door click and it opened. There stood Alex, a questioning and curious look on her face until she looked up, seeing me.
"Allycat! You're back!" She squealed loudly. I smiled and scooped her up in my arms, holding her close.
"How many times have I told you to not open up the door without looking first?" I playfully scolded her. She just giggled and wrapped her little arms tighter around my neck.
"What are you doing heres Ally? We hasn't seen you in weeks!" She said.
"I know," I said softly as I brushed some hair from her face. "Where's Andrew and Anthony?"
"They upstairs." She told me and I nodded, carrying her up the familiar stairs and heading down the hallway to the twins room. The door was wide open and I looked in, seeing them both sitting on the edges of their beds, playing a video game together. I grinned and knocked on the door, gaining their attention.
"What do you want Alex?" Andrew asked, repeatedly mashing a button.
"It's not Alex you idiots," I said. "How about you come and greet your big brother?" They both snapped their heads over to my direction. Anthony threw down his control and ran over, quickly wrapping his arms around my waist. I smiled and sat Alex on her feet so I could hug them both. Andrew stood from his bed and looked at me, almost skeptically. He ever so slowly walked over as if I weren't real and would disappear if he got close enough, but as soon as he got into arms length, I grabbed him and pulled him into our little hug.
It felt so good to hold them, to be near them again. I felt so relaxed suddenly and I couldn't help whenever my eyes began to water.
"What are you doing here?" Anthony asked, pulling away. The other two did also and I grinned sheepishly as I walked further into the room and sat down on one of the twins' bed.
"Where's dad and mom?" I asked.
"He's at work and mom's somewhere. She left sometime last night." Andrew said.
"Mommy and daddy has been fighting again." Alex said, crawling onto the bed. That wasn't much of a surprise, really. I had expected that.
"Are you coming back?" Anthony asked, all three of them looked at me with hopeful expressions, but I couldn't answer that question right away.
"I don't know, honestly." I said softly, Andrew scoffed and shook his head.
"How do you not know? You know what you promised us!" He snapped, crossing his arms.
"Yes, I know what I promised and I'm still sticking to it, but you all heard and saw what dad did and said," I told them, especially Andrew. "I'm still here, I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon."
Before anyone could speak us, there was a car door slamming shut and the front door opening. I held my breath and Alex climbed off the bed and ran out of the room. Andrew left out of the room, too, going downstairs. Anthony stood up from the bed and looked at me.
"If you aren't allowed to come back home...does that mean we stay here or we go with you?" He asked, his head cocked to the side. Between him and Andrew, he was the nicest, but that didn't make him any less of an annoying brother.
"It all depends," I told him quietly. He sighed and nodded before leaving out of the room, following behind the other two. I stayed sat on the bed for a few more minutes before gaining up enough courage and confidence and deciding that I should probably go downstairs. I took the stairs slowly, hearing that it was dad who had walked in through the door. I could hear him talking to the twins and Alex, asking what they wanted for dinner.
I reached the bottom of the stairs and walked over to the kitchen where all of them were. Dad glanced over at me and stopped what he was doing. Honestly, I expected him to be angry and look pissed that I was here, but instead, he looked surprised.
"What are you doing here?" He asked, setting a grocery bag on the counter.
"Um, Aunt Melissa wanted me to come and uh, talk to you," I said slowly, dad nodded slowly and told the twins and Alex to go into the living room so we could talk in private. I was not going to lie, but I was scared. He didn't hesitate to hit me once, so he could do it again.
"Okay, you're here, so talk." Dad said, removing things from the grocery bag.
"I don't want to come back, but I don't want to not see my brothers and sister," I said. He sighed and stopped, resting both hands on the counter and looking at me.
"I said that out of anger, Alan. Your brothers and sister need you more than anything and forcing their older brother away is obviously not the right thing to do," He said. "You not being here for them these past couple of weeks as affected them in more ways than one, but it's not all my fault, you're the one that doesn't want to come back."
"I don't want to come back because we'll just end up in the same situation! Mom might be changing for the better good now to you, but to me she can go back to her old ways at any given moment, and I'm not going to be here and be stuck going through it all again." I said, crossing my arms.
"Your mother is trying! It's not like it really matters if you're here or not! I don't care if you come back but obviously your brothers and sister do! You can stay at Melissa's house for all I care, and you can be there for the rest of your high school career and it wouldn't hurt me one bit, Alan." Dad snapped, slamming his hands down on the counter.
I stood there, feeling my chest aching, but I didn't say anything. My eyes burned but I refused to cry. Slowly anger boiled up in me and I stared at dad. He obviously didn't care anymore, and really, I didn't either. With a muttered "okay," I walked out of the kitchen and into the living room where my siblings were sat. All three of them turned to look at me, a hopeful look in their eyes.
"So, are you staying?" Andrew asked.
Slowly I shook my head, watching as all of them, even Alex who probably didn't understand what was going on, looked so hurt and broken.
"I'm sorry," I said quietly, feeling my throat tighten.
"But you- you- you promised us! You said you weren't leaving and you are! You said you'd never let us go!" Anthony screamed, jumping to his feet. He was crying now, throwing things around. "You promised!"
I hated this, I hated myself even more as I apologized profusely as I headed to the door. I probably overstayed my welcome here and decided it would be best to leave. Andrew was still sat on couch, crying for the first time in a very long time, Anthony was still screaming and crying while Alex looked around, watching as everything happened but turned to me as I opened the door.
"Ally, please don't go!" She begged, running over and wrapping her arms around my leg. I bit my lip and forced her off before bending down to her level and kissing her head.
"I love you, okay? I promise you with all my heart I'll try to come back, but you can't tell mom or dad, alright? You can only tell Anthony and Andrew. Do you promise?" I asked her and she gave a little nod before hugging me and letting me. I turned and left, closing the door behind me and heading down to the car.
I knew it was a stupid idea to come here, but at least that was out of the way and I possibly wouldn't have to do it again. I didn't want to, honestly. Quickly I started the car and left, going back to Aunt Melissa's. She was still at work, thankfully that meant I didn't have to talk about any of this.
As soon as I got back, I went upstairs to my room and tried to get myself to calm down, but failed miserably and ended up crying myself to sleep for a few hours.
。。。
After lots of crying and sleep, I woke up to my phone buzzing rapidly, signalling I had a phone call. After first I thought it would be Austin, considering he was the one that was mainly blowing up my phone, but then I read the caller ID and saw that it was Kellin.
"Hello?" I answered in a groggy voice. I still felt so tired.
"Al! I've been trying to get a hold of you for awhile now," he said. I grumbled some kind of response and rolled to my stomach. "Anyway, come to Vic's house, he's having a little get together with his high school friends."
"Why would I want to hang with old graduates?" I asked, rubbing my eyes. They felt puffy and my nose was stuffed. I felt so sick, but better.
"They're only a year old and it'll be fun. It's nothing like Aaron's parties, though, so that's the only draw back." Kellin said.
"I could crank some music up right now babe and it'll be just like Aaron's parties," I heard Vic say, Kellin giggled loudly.
"Whatever. Just come Alan, it's gonna he fun." He coaxed. I heaved a sigh and pulled the phone away from ear to see the time.
"It's nearly nine, Kells! I don't want to get out of bed and go somewhere." I told him, rolling my eyes.
"I will come over there and drag you out of that bed, Alan Ashby." He said and I groaned loudly.
"Fine, I'll be there in ten." I muttered, rolling my eyes again as he cheered happily. Once we hung up, I forced myself out of bed and pulled on another shirt and a pair of shoes. I trudged down the stairs quietly in hopes to not wake Aunt Melissa before exiting the house and getting it my borrowed car.
I drove to Vic's easily and arrived within ten minutes. There were some cars parked in the driveway and on the curb, but Kellin was right; this was nothing compared to Aaron's. There would seem like dozens of cars parked outside and you would be able to hear the music a block away, but this, it was absolutely nothing alike. Sure there was a little thump of music, but it wasn't anything big.
I walked right through the door and saw that there were a few people- possibly couples- dancing together to the beat of music, there were people gathered on the couch drinking from red cups and chatting loudly. Yeah, it was nothing like Aaron's parties.
Sighing, I looked around, seeing if Kellin was anywhere to be found down here, and when I noticed he wasn't, I went into the kitchen. I still felt so groggy and my face felt puffy. All in all, I felt gross and decided that one cup of alcohol would help me feel better. I poured a decent amount of vodka into one of the little cups and downed it in a couple of gulps, feeling the burn in the back of my throat but I ignored it. Before I could decide whether or not I wanted another cup, my phone buzzed. I sighed again and retrieved it from my pocket, scrolling past the text messages from Austin asking if I was coming tonight and saw the one from Kellin, telling me to come upstairs. I sat my cup somewhere and left from the kitchen, heading up the stairs.
On my way up, I took a look of the pictures that were hung up. Vic, who I assumed were his mother and father and another boy who was much taller than Vic, which I guess was maybe his brother. There were a lot of family portraits and pictures from whenever Vic and I guess his brother were younger. Vic looked adorable, as did his brother.
I looked away from the pictures and went to find Vic's room, wanting to know if they were in there. Kellin never said where they were, so I guess they were in his room, but I was quickly shoved again the wall, making my body tingle some and causing the breath to leave my lungs. I gasped softly as the one who pushed me against the wall slapped their hands on either side of my face, leaning in close.
"What did I do, huh? Was kissing me such a big deal to you that it forced you to ignore me for days on end?" Austin snapped. He smelt of alcohol, but he didn't appear drunk. "I mean, I've been texting you and asking you over and over again if I did something wrong, and what do you do? You ignore me. You don't text me back, even when I'm so concerned I ruined something."
He sounded so hurt and it bothered me, but I didn't know what to say. I wasn't exactly sorry for ignoring, I knew my reasons, but I didn't realize doing what I was doing was hurting him so much.
"I'm sorry," I said softly, not being able to look him in the eye. He scoffed and shook his head.
"You're sorry? How can you be just sorry?! You've fucking kicked me to the curb whenever we should have talked about this, but no, you decided that you were going to ignore me, make me fucking hate myself for what I did even though I don't regret it. Do you even know how I feel now?" Austin demanded to know, I bit my lip and shook my head.
"No, I don't okay? I didn't know that me doing this was hurting you so much or making you feel this way, but I did it because I'm scared, Austin." I said.
"I wouldn't ever do anything to hurt you because I care about you!" He argued, sounding genuinely angry. I stared at him for a moment, taking in his features. He had dark circles forming under his eyes and he looked so tired. Maybe ignoring him affected him way more than I thought.
I didn't think twice before leaning up and pressing my lips against his. For a second he didn't respond and I was afraid that maybe doing this was a wrong idea and went to pull away, but he grabbed my hips, pushing me harder against the wall and pulling me closer to him at the same time. I snaked my arms around his neck, my fingers tangling in the back parts of his hair. It felt so soft between my fingers.
"Fuck," Austin muttered and before I knew it, I was being hoisted up which caused me to let out a breath of surprise and pull away as I wrapped my legs around his waist. He smirked and kissed me again, pushing me against the wall once more. I moaned softly as his lower half began to grind against my own. Pleasure seeped throughout my body, making everything tingle inside me as he pulled away and began go kiss my neck. I moaned softly, tightening my fingers in his hair as he nipped and sucked anywhere on my skin he pleased, possibly leaving bruises in his wake. I never felt anything like this before, and I wasn't going to lie, it felt amazing.
Butterflies ran throughout my body as he kissed up my neck and connected his lips with mine again before pulling us away from the wall and finding a room within the house that didn't have anybody inside. Without a thought, I was tossed to the bed and Austin crawled on top of me, smiling before kissing me again. I grinned and wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him closer. He grinded against me again, hooking my thigh around his waist as he pressed harder against me.
I let out a loud moan, feeling my back arch slightly. Although this felt so good, thoughts rang through my head. We weren't even together, but here we were, making out and fooling around. I don't even think I was ready to go all the way. As ridiculous as it may sound, I actually want to wait until the right moment. I don't want it to be quick, done and over with, and sadly, I had a feeling that thays what Austin did.
"Wait," I gasped, pulling away from the kiss. Austin pulled back and looked at me confused and somewhat concerned. "I-I can't," I told him, shaking my head. "I cant do this, I-I'm not ready a-and-"
"It's okay," Austin said softly, leaning down and pecking my lips. "It's not a big deal."
"I'm sorry," I whispered, biting my lip. He grinned and laid down beside me, wrapping an arm around my waist.
"It's fine, Alan, we don't have to do anything you don't want to do," he told me, gently touching my cheek. The gesture was sweet, but I didn't expect him to be so okay with someone turning him down for sex.
"You're cute," I mumbled, kissing his chin. He laughed and kissed the top of my head, pulling me closer. Neither of us said anything, but I knew later he'd want a more explained excuse as to why I hadn't talked to him over the last few days.
I sighed softly and closed my eyes, enjoying how close we were together and trying to calm myself down enough to get the problem in my pants to go away.
。。。
A LOT just happened but I'm so excited because I've had this planned for the longest time and it feels sooo good to finally get it written down ((:
anyways, there's a lot more Cashby to come, so be prepared (;