GWEN'S POV:
I intended to go downstairs and hang out by the office and listen to hear what Jodi and Meem said or asked about my meltdown. I hoped Harry could make up enough other stuff so they wouldn't know what we did after Harry made me feel better by humming to me and rocking me in his arms as he always does.
I love that. I truly do. It's the best feeling. I was pretty gone. I really was. I would have snapped out of it much quicker for him because he was probably feeling really scared for me...but it finally worked when I let myself open up again and feel.
I feel so safe and secure and cared for when he holds me and rocks me. Like a mom would take care of her baby.....well, MOST moms, anyway.
MY mom didn't take care of me. She didn't want me. Didn't love me.
I wonder if I'll ever know what love feels like. I mean, I feel like I might love Harry. But...do I? How do you know if you love someone if you don't know what love is?
And even if it IS love I feel for him...he doesn't love me back, so I'll still never know what it feels like to be loved.
But I like to pretend, when Harry holds me like that, that THIS is what love feels like. And if it's anything like that....I hope I can feel it someday for real.
Problem is, I only want to feel it with Harry. I can't picture wanting to love anyone else. Ever.
Sigh.
Harry was right to warn me about my new life. It's definitely not easy.
I ended up dozing in and out on my bed, waiting for Harry to come back upstairs.
I didn't even know what time it was or what I was supposed to be doing right now or what the other girls were doing. I didn't care, either. Bunch of meanies.
The only one who was nice to me was Mirabella. But I was sure she'd join the rest of the meanies any second now.
I heard Harry come up the stairs. His footsteps sounded different than the girls'. His were heavier and slower and louder, even on the carpet.
It was taking him forever to get to my room. Where'd he go? I got up and felt sort of dizzy. I needed to eat, I think.
I looked into the hallway. No Harry.
I went out and walked to the stairs. I was about to go down, when I heard his voice coming from one of the rooms nearby.
I listened to try and figure out which one.
I went towards Jackie's room cause it sounded like from there. But her door was mostly closed.
I got to the door and I heard her talking.
"Thanks for opening it. It was stuck. Sometimes things just need a man's touch, ya know?" Jackie said.
"I suppose", Harry said.
"I bet sometimes you need a woman's touch, don't you?" Jackie asked him in an overly girly voice. What the....?
"Uh....no, I'm good", Harry said, sounding awkward.
"You don't need to be touched by a woman? I bet you do. If Gwen's not gonna do it, I'm sure you could easily find someone who would. Like....ME, for example! I'd touch you. I'd touch you allllll over...like here....and he..." I heard a thud and Jackie stopped talking.
The door burst open, and Harry almost bumped into me standing there.
He looked at me with complete fear in his widened eyes, reached out, took my hand, and pulled me quickly into my room across the hall. He shut the door and locked it, and pulled me to the bed.
He sat down on it, and pulled me towards him so I was standing in front of him.
He wrapped his arms around me and buried his face into my stomach.
"What just happened?? Were you going to have s.ex with her?" My voice broke at the end and Harry's head bolted up to look at me.
"No!!! Not at all! I ran away from her! She was totally trying to have s.ex with me! She lured me in there and the entire room smelled like perfume really badly, and I could barely breathe. I could taste it.
And she told me she couldn't open her new bottle of soap. And then she sat on top of me and started groping me......and I was trying to push her off and get up, but she was like....dead weight somehow. Hooked her feet under the bed or something....but I finally escaped and pushed her off of me and she fell off the bed and I was gonna run in here and lock myself in! What the HELL was that all about?!?" Harry sounded freaked out. It was kinda cute. I was glad he said he didn't want to have s.ex with her. I was glad he ran from her. I was so upset listening to her with him...it made me realize that one of these days Harry would get a girlfriend and I'd have to get used to seeing him with her if he still came to visit me ever.
These thoughts were not helping me to be happy.
I tossed them aside and hugged Harry back, leaning over his head.
"I'm glad you didn't have s.ex with her. I'd be...sad about it", I said.
"You would?" Harry asked, surprised.
"Yeah. Of course."
"Why?"
"Because...I don't know. Because...I like you. A lot."
How doesn't he know this?
"Oh. Well....I like YOU....A LOT too", he smiled then went back to hugging my stomach.
I sighed. I didn't mean to. It just came out. It was a sad sigh. And I wished I could take it back after I realized I'd done it.
"What's wrong Gwen?" Harry asked muffled in my stomach. "Remember, I need you to tell me everything that bothers you, or it will all build up and become a horrible problem."
"Nothing. I mean...I was just thinking that sometime, you'll find a girlfriend, and you won't want to come see me anymore. And if you do visit, I'll have to see her hold you hand and kiss you and hear you say nice things to her, instead of to me..."
"Don't worry....I don't want an.....a....girlfriend", he stuttered.
That didn't make me much happier.
Deep down inside, I wished and imagined that he'd say "don't worry, I want to make YOU my girlfriend". But no. He just crushed that dream. He doesn't even want a girlfriend. That means not even ME. I'd rather no one if not me, but....I'd just rather ME.
I almost sighed again, but I stopped myself, because if I did, he'd ask me what was wrong this time. I didn't want to tell him.
"Can you take me out of here today?" I asked Harry, out of the blue. I just didn't want to be here anymore right now.
"Ummm.....you live here. You have to stay until you're all......" he started saying till I stopped him.
"No, I mean...right now. Today. Then bring me home again tonight. I just need....to get out of here today. Please? I'll do anything. I'll do anything you want, to repay you. I just need to get out of here right now", I begged him.
"Well.......lemme ask Jodi or Meem. Hold on. Or come with me. You can protect me from the girls who wanna grope my body", he laughed and lifted his eyebrows twice at me. "Oh, and you don't have to do ANYTHING to repay me Gwen. Just having you with me is all the payment I need."
We went into the office to ask. Meem was sitting there, writing really fast.
"Meem...would it be ok if Harry took me out for the rest of the day? I really....need to get out right now. I'm just feeling crappy here today", I asked her before Harry could ask. I felt like doing something for myself for once.
Meem looked at Harry, then back at me, then took a deep breath in, and blew it out. "Hmmm......I.......guess you can. Be back in time for making dinner. Sound good?"
"Yes! Thank you Meem! Thank you so much", I jumped up and down a little bit, and clapped gently, then looked at Harry. He had a small smile, and was watching me.
We walked out of the office, and went to my room to get anything I needed. I grabbed my phone, but I didn't really need it. I'd be WITH Harry. I just liked having it with me. I hardly ever used it, but it was neat to have anyway. Plus it was a gift from Harry, so I liked having it with me. It could have been a candy bar wrapper, but since Harry gave it to me, I'd love it and carry it everywhere.
I grabbed a sweatshirt, tied it around my waist, and brushed my hair quickly and put it in a sloppy bun on the top of my head, put on my flip flop, and left the perfectly new one that I'd never worn yet, lonely on the carpet near the door. I wondered if I'd ever wear the other flip flop. It felt like I'd never get this stupid boot off. I mean, I took it off plenty of times. I took it off to put the overnight boot on, which was thinner ,and smaller and not so clunky, with not much of a sole on the bottom. I took it off to put my shower boot on, which was thinner, and plain plastic, with no cloth cover anywhere. (Though I didn't have it on this morning for the two hour shower.) So I took it off plenty of times. But I was just so done with it. My leg was hurting less I'd noticed the past day or so. That was good, I suppose.
Harry held my hand as I walked downstairs with him. It made me smile, and I looked over at him, and he caught me smiling at him. He did a double take, and gave me a funny look, like 'why you lookin' at me?' I looked away quickly, and so did he. Hopefully he'd forget that moment.
We got out to his car, and I opened the door, got in, closed the door, and put my seatbelt on, all by myself. I know. I sound like a baby. But people aren't BORN knowing how to get in and ride in a car. If you never did it before, it's a lot to remember, how to get ready to go.
"Where to?" Harry asked me, hands on the steering wheel, engine started.
"I have NO idea. Anywhere you like. Show me something beautiful. Take me somewhere special. I don't know. I just wanna gooooooo......." I told him.
He started down the driveway, and soon we were speeding down the main road.
I was playing with the things on the door, and discovered that I could put my window down with a button! THIS was some sh.it, let me tell you!!
I rolled it all the way down, and I stuck my face out the window to feel the wind. It felt great on my face. I stuck my arm out, too, feeling the wind pushing my arm backwards ever so slightly. So cool.
I started making my arm slide up and down, like it was going over waves or something, and Harry looked over and laughed. "Of course. Of course you did that. Every person in the world does that. Why would you be any different?" he said. I didn't know what the hell he meant, but I was having fun, playing with the wind, seeing how it pushed me differently in different spots.
The sun was bright, the trees looked beautiful, and I got to see the outside world again. I started feeling bad for the other girls. Did they ever get to go on rides? Had they seen all the cool stuff I'd seen? Did they get to go in someone's house at all yet? I did all these things, and I was really lucky, I realized. I smiled to myself. And of course, Harry saw it. He doesn't miss a thing! Sheesh!
"What're you so happy about?" he asked.
I'm really lucky to have you", I told him. He smiled, and his cheeks got a little bit pinker than they were before.
"Thank you Gwen. That makes me feel good to hear", he told me.
"You're welcome. You're more than welcome", I told him.
We were quiet again as we drove, and soon, Harry parked and turned the car off and turned to me.
"Come on! You'll love this. I hope."
I got out of the car, and looked around. There were beautiful trees everywhere. It was quiet here. Really quiet. And there was no one else around.
"I DO love it!" I told Harry.
He laughed at me.
"What?" I asked in an irritated tone.
"This isn't what I said you'll love. We gotta walk a little bit to it, silly", he told me.
"Oh. Well, this is pretty. I love this too", I told him.
Harry pulled a blanket out of the back of his car, then said "ready?"
I shook my head, and he held out his hand for me to take. I gladly took it right away, and we walked together for a few minutes. Over rocks and leaves and sticks and logs and twigs.....we walked for a a while, it seemed.
Then we came to a clearing. At the end of the clearing, it looked like there was a cliff, and it just dropped off. I walked towards the end of it.
"Be really careful, Gwen. One slip, and you'll be down there. And I'll have to jump in and save you. Harry warned me.
One slip??? From where? I got closer to the place I couldn't see past.
I got close enough, and looked down. There was a river down there.
"We're gonna hike down that trail there", he said, pointing, "then we'll be at the bottom, and we can spread the blanket out and lay there, and look at all the beauty. I come here sometimes, to just sit and think. It's my favorite spot, this cliff."
"This is a cliff? Wow!" I said, trying to get closer to the edge, but he immediately had his hands on me, pulling me back from the edge.
"Please be careful! If anything happened to you I'd......just be careful, ok?" he said.
He'd what?
He reached for my hand, and I took it. I loved when he did that. It made me feel like we were boyfriend and girlfriend. It always made me smile, and it was too hard to hide the smile, so I always just went with it and smiled as wide as I felt like it. Holding Harry's hand was everything to me. I had no idea why. It just felt.....right.
With a goofy smile on my face, I followed Harry to the side of the cliff, to a small path in the woods. It was all downhill, and zig zagged down to the bottom of the cliff. I was very excited that we were going to the bottom, because it looked beautiful down there from the top. I was excited to be ANYWHERE, actually. And I hadn't seen so many trees, or water flowing....just NATURE, in soooo long. This was awesome. I could hardly wipe the grin off my face the entire time. Even when Harry wasn't holding my hand. I didn't even bother to check, self consciously, to see if he noticed my stupid non stop smiling. I didn't care. I felt GREAT right now. I needed this, badly. I felt bad for the other girls, still sitting at the house. The house was great and all, but I think this was MUCH better. We need to get away sometimes. See the world.
I thought about going back there tonight, and shuddered. I started wondering what I'd do wrong this time, and who would be mean to me and about what.....
No.
I stopped my bad thoughts, and I concentrated on a huge bird that was soaring overhead as we walked. We were just coming down the last zig zag of the path, and we were officially at the bottom now. I was so excited.
Harry let go of my hand, and I wanted to run along the side of the rapidly flowing river. It was louder here than up at the top. The water was so loud, and moving so fast, I hadn't noticed from the top. What a difference! It sounded beautiful, though. Loud, but the loudness made you realize how powerful and strong the water was.
If it weren't for my stupid boot...I would've run next to the river.
I stood by the bank, and looked into the water. Immediately, I saw a fish! It was big, not like a gold fish, like we had at the orphanage. This fish was huge and dark colored. I cried out excitedly, and didn't even know why. My hands flew to my face. The fish was just sitting in the water, right there in front of me. I bent down like a little child would, to see it closer. This was so awesome. I loved it here.
Everything here was...huge. The bird that was hovering over us. This fish. Even the trees seemed bigger than normal. The sound of the water. The rapids up a ways, where there were huge rocks sticking up. The river itself.....everything was just giant here, it seemed.
I watched the fish, until I had the urge to stick my finger out to it. Just as my finger touched the water above it, it darted away. I jumped, which made me fall backwards onto my butt. Luckily I was already crouched down when I fell.
The sharp rock under my butt hurt, though.
As I sat there, laughing, leaning sideways to pull the one sharp rock out from underneath me, and rub my ouchy butt, I felt hands on my shoulder.
Harry!
I'd ALMOST forgotten about him! I had been so lost in the nature of this place....so amazed and mezmerized by every detail and every creature....I'd forgotten he was here! Oh my God! Ha ha!
Harry crouched down with his hands on my shoulders behind me. "You alright?" he asked me, trying not to laugh at me.
"I'm great! There was a sharp rock up my butt, though", I told him, "This place, Harry....it's BEAUTIFUL!"
"I knew you'd like it! I'd seen how you were looking around at the trees and rocks and all when we were in the backyard of your home, so I thought you might love this place. I thought you might love being surrounded by nature. I was right. I'm glad, too, because this is what I love, also", he told me.
"This is magnificent! Everything's so BIG!! The birds, the fish, the rocks, the water.....it's all so.....grand!"
"It is. I never thought of it that way, but you're right!" Harry agreed, "By the way, you'll never be able to touch a fish...unless you've caught it with a fishing rod...or a net, perhaps. But good try! Hahaha", Harry laughed at me.
"I don't know what I was thinking. My finger was drawn to it. I couldn't help it, but to get as close as I could." I laughed back, feeling stupid, but in a funny way.
"Thank you Harry. For bringing me here. I don't want to ever leave! It's beautiful here. And there's no one bad here. No one mean. No one evil. No one can hurt me, inside or out. There's just.....life here. And....you", I smiled, and felt a tear roll down my cheek now. Sh.it. This place was perfect. I didn't want to cry. But inside, I felt so warm. So in love with life right now. So lucky to be here in this exact spot at this exact moment. So exhilarated. To think this was all here, and all going on all those years...without me! I felt so amazed by the Earth. So small, compared to everything else.....and so....in love with this man behind me. This HAD to be what love felt like. What else could it be? The overwhelming feeling of happiness that this man existed, and was connected to me by his hands on my shoulders. The gratefulness that he was here with me right now. The urge to hug him and never let him go. The way my shoulders burned with a tingling warmth where his hands lay. The happiness I felt, just by faintly feeling his breaths on my neck as he crouched behind me. Just knowing he was breathing, and alive, made my chest ache with an overpowering feeling that I couldn't describe at all. It was a GOOD feeling, though.
"You're welcome Gwen. I'm so glad you like it. Of course, you might not like it when we have to walk back up, especially with your boot.....but for now...I'm glad you like it", he joked to me more. "And I'm really glad to share this spot with you. It's always been special to me. I come here a lot. But having you here.....it makes it.....complete."
My heart fluttered in my chest and my cheeks tingled and I felt the blood rushing through them now.
My hands came up beside my head and I laid my hands on his hands on my shoulders. He grabbed them both in his fingers and held them. I felt a quick warm tingle on the back of my neck, which ended up being his lips laying a kiss there. Just a peck. But it meant SO much to me. I wished so badly that it meant this much to him.
"I'm sorry you feel like bad people can get you everywhere else in the world. I didn't know you felt that way. It makes me sad, Gwen. But I know that soon you won't think that way anymore. You'll see. I'm gonna make sure you know that you can stick up for yourself. You can tell the bad people to go to Hell. Or.....I'll just have to make a house right here for you, so no one can ever hurt you!" Harry got serious, but then ended with a joke.
"I'd only feel safe here if you were here with me, so you better make two bedrooms in the house then", I said, trying to be funny a little bit, but also sort of hinting at sadness, that he'd make the house just for me. And if he stayed here, it'd be in another bedroom, because he didn't...love me, like I think I did him.
"Hahaha.....nahh, I'd make one bedroom, so I could cuddle up to you every night. Unless you wanted two, of course...."
"No! One bedroom would be perfect!" I said too quickly and too excitedly, and felt stupid now.
"Of course, that might be too messy, now that I think about it. You know me....always making messes when I'm around you."
A quick laugh burst out of me. "I still don't know how you do that!"
"Neither do I!"
We both laughed a little bit, then went back to silence. I scanned the trees across the river, and the rocks where the white water was splashing over them, as if the perfect flow of the water was interrupted, resulting in a small area of chaos until the water got past it and recovered, flowing smoothly again. I glanced up into the sky. There were now three huge birds hovering over us. How beautiful. I'd never known the world was this beautiful. I'd seen pictures, which were pretty, but the places always seemed to be in a world far far away from me, that I'd never see. It almost seemed like a dream as I looked around. Like there was no way I was actually here. I started thinking that maybe I HAD successfully gotten myself killed, and I was here. In heaven. Just waking up. Maybe the hands on my shoulders were God's hands, welcoming me.....but I was pretty sure I wasn't going to Heaven anyway. I had premarital s.ex. More than one partner. So many other sins the nuns taught us about...but I wasn't sure, since I hadn't done it by choice. I had always known that I'd go to Hell when I died, until I met Harry. He told me that every bad thing I'd done, wasn't my fault, because I was forced. I hadn't made the decision to do bad things myself. So now....I wasn't sure. It gave me hope, though, that maybe I'd get to go to Heaven someday. Then again...I'd made the choice to have Harry touch me, twice already. And I'd touched him just today. And he'd told me I didn't have to, so I definitely made that choice myself....why did it have to be so complicated? Why did God make someone feel SOOO good to me, but yet, tell people we weren't allowed to touch? Why did not touching someone have to be the way we showed God we were devoted to him? It made no sense, really.
Temptation.
That was God's mean trick. I guess to weed out the weak ones, so Heaven wouldn't be overcrowded, perhaps? That must be it.
I knew in my heart, I'd hopefully touch Harry again, though. And I hoped he'd touch me again. And it felt so right in my mind, and of course in my body, that I decided right there in that second, that I didn't CARE if I went to Heaven or Hell, anymore. Just as long as I could spend every possible second I could, with Harry. And touch him as often as I possibly could. And have him touch me whenever he wanted to. I didn't care. Officially. The rules of devotion to God were seeming more and more stupid to me lately. Why can't we just....believe in God? Try to do what's right? Not hurt anyone? Well, I HAD tried to kill myself, so I was probably kicked out of Heaven already anyway. You know what? Screw it! If God doesn't want me, like everyone else in my life, then fine. I don't care. And you know what? I don't want to go to Heaven anyway. Because Harry has had lots of premarital s.ex, anyway, so HE'S surely not going to Heaven either! And I want to be where HE goes, anyway.
Hmph.
I'd gotten myself sort of mad. Religion was pi.ssing me off. Just because I liked to touch someone who was very special to me, didn't make me a bad person. Harry wasn't a bad person. He'd saved the lives of 6 women. So just because he had s.ex while not married, then any good he did in life didn't matter?
No. It mattered. It made him a GOOD person. And I loved that good person.....
"You alright?.......Gwen?" I heard as I was interrupted out of my thoughts, noticing I was still glancing up at the sky. There were only two birds in my view now. I realized that my face was tightened up into a frown, and my eyes muscles were crinkled at the top of my nose, and I was rolling my thumbs together almost violently.
Oops?
"Yeah. Sorry. I got lost in my thoughts", I told Harry, and tried to unstrain my frowny face and relax again. How did I get myself so uptight in this Heavenly.....I mean.....this....wonderful EARTHLY place?
I don't know. But I wanted to relax and feel free, and happy again.
So I did something that was always sure to make me feel that way.
I turned around and kissed Harry.
Luckily, all I had to do was turn my head back some, and his lips were right there in reach. He looked shocked, but didn't back away from me. His eyes went from wide open to closed, two seconds after my lips rammed into his. Yeah, I landed kinda hard. I had to do it quick, so I wouldn't lose my nerve. And I was still revved up and pi.ssed off about God. Him and his stupid apple tree and two naked people. It was all a cruel trick, if you asked me. I'd eat every apple on that tree. I didn't care. The tree was beautiful in my imagination, anyway. The apples were shiny and glossy and bright red. The tree was bright green, with perfect leaves, and a perfect shaped trunk....and the naked guy, Adam? He was beautiful, too. And.......why the HE.LL was I just picturing him with curly brown hair and tattoos? Oh boy. Ha!
Yeah. I was done. Ruined. And I didn't care one bit. Hell seemed like way more fun these days.
I felt like a terrible person for thinking these things....but yet, I didn't care. I knew I was still a good person. And no nun could tell me I wasn't.
Harry had his hands on my face now, and I had squirmed around a little on my butt, to face him better, cause my neck was straining.
I put my hands on Harry's face, too. I loved to feel the stubbly, stiff hairs sticking into my palms.
And I loved the way Harry's lips were moving faster, more hungrily over my own now. I adjusted the speed of my lips with his.
Soon, we were both out of breath, but still didn't unlock our lips. Short gasps would come out of our mouths sometimes, and long breaths were sucked in through our noses. Even over the water, you could hear it.
Harry's hand went around my neck, and his other one reached to balance himself on the rocks. His knees fell to the rocks, luckily, landing on the blanket which he had put down in a ball between us earlier, I guess. His lips pressed on mine so hard, my head was being pushed backwards, leaning on his arm that was supporting my neck now. His arm cradled the back of my neck, as he lowered me down further and further. His breaths were jagged now, and his lips couldn't get enough of mine. His kisses moved down along my jaw, and on my neck near my ear. I felt a fire start in my groin.
Then, his lips left my face. He let out a quick, sharp sigh. I opened my eyes and he was looking at me. I could see the fire in his eyes. The fire that I had in my groin. I could see it in his eyes. I'd seen it before. I knew how he felt when he looked this way.....
"Sorry", he said, out of breath. His hand cradling my neck pulled me back up to sit straight again. I had almost been laying down on the rocks, and now...I was back. Why?
"I'm sorry", he said again.
"Why are you always sorry? I'm not sorry. It makes me feel bad when you're sorry. Like you don't like me", I told him sadly now. Why did he always fvcking apologize to me when he kissed me or had an org.asm near me? I tried to get my wits about me, and steady my breath, fixed my shirt, arranged my boot so it wasn't in the way of my other leg. My legs were outstretched on the rocks, but my knees were up half way.
I held myself in a sitting position now, with my arms down behind me on the rocks.
"I DO like you Gwen. You know that. How could you NOT know that? You know I do. I just....it's silly. I can't explain it", he told me, sounding frustrated.
"What's silly? You kissing me? Kissing a pros.ti.tute?" I said, feeling offended now.
"No!!! No, that's NOT what I mean at ALL. Stop saying that. That's not it. It's......I want to....spend time with YOU........NOT with your body. That's all, Gwen. I like getting to know YOU. I like YOU. But every time you make the slightest move, I start to get lost in your body, ok? And I don't want to do...s.ex....STUFF, every time I see you. I want to be with YOU. Your MIND. I want to talk. Hear your thoughts. Watch you listen to mine. I want to watch you enjoy places like this, like I was just a few minutes ago! You should have seen yourself. You were so beautiful. So happy. You looked.....FREE.
You looked like you were ENJOYING being alive, for once! Gwen, it was so stunning, watching you, I even loved it when you fell on your butt. Life was absolutely perfect while I watched you see things for the first time. It was like I could read your thoughts. Feel your amazement and awe at the world. I can't explain it, really, but it was wonderful for me, knowing how wonderful it was for you.
It's about YOU. Not your body. I love everything about you, Gwen. I love your eyes, and how I can always read into them to see what you're feeling at the moment. I love your little stress spot between your eyes, that crunches into a line. I love how you scrunch up your nose when you think something's just plain silly.
I love to watch you sleep. Well, just for a night. Not for a month. I love the way just the touch of your hand gives me shivers. I love the simple little things you get so excited about, that everyone else in life takes for granted. I love how sweet you are. How thoughtful you are. How appreciative you are. I love the way you're always apologizing, as if you're not worthy. Even though I hate that at the same time, because you DON'T have to apologize for everything. Because you ARE worthy. You're SO fvcking worthy, Gwen. You deserve EVERYTHING in life. Everything that you never had, but always wanted.
You deserve a perfect day like this one, in a perfect spot like right here, every single day, for the rest of your life. You deserve to be happy. And I love making you happy. I love how your eyes glimmer when you're happy. I love how you smile constantly, like you can't even help it, because you're so happy in that moment. That's right. I watched you. All the way down here, Gwen. As soon as I reached for your hand, I looked at you, because I know that every single time I hold your hand, you smile. I've seen you try to hide it. Try to stop it. But you can't. And today...you didn't try to hide it. You just let yourself smile. And it was the most beautiful thing, Gwen. I wish you could see it. I wish you could see yourself how I see you. You'd never feel bad about yourself again. I swear, you wouldn't.
I watched you smile the entire time we walked down here. And you didn't look over at me awkardly this time, to see if I saw you. Not even once. It was like you gave in, and let yourself just be happy and not care about anything. You just.....smiled. And you were beaming. More and more, as we got down here further and further.
When you made a sound after you noticed that big fish? I think I died and went to Heaven in that moment, Gwen. Feelings came over me that I've NEVER experienced before. And I watched you watching in awe of this great, wonderous fish at your feet. I could almost see what you might have looked like as a child, when you bent down to look closer. I could almost see "little Gwenie" discovering a big fishy! And your child like innocence came out, when you stuck your finger in the water, hoping to touch the fish, and Ahhhhh, Gwen......I sat behind you, holding my hand over my heart, because you were pulling it from me. You were taking it over. It was leaving my chest, and being wrapped up and surrounded by your very being. By your every breath. Your every smile. Your every first discovery. And today isn't the first time that's happened to me. I've held my heart so many other times, Gwen. I held it when you explored every damn inch of my flat the other day. I held it when you discovered how the wind could force your hand around as you waved it up and down out of my car window. I held it when I watched you see your room at the home for the first time. Seeing your real bed....my heart almost fell out of my chest when you saw that.
I held my heart when you were so excited when I gave you a gift. It didn't matter what the gift was. You were just so excited to get one. And then you were so perfectly excited about the gift being a phone, I had to hold my heart more. I held my heart tight when you took your first sniff at something as simple as fvcking FLOWERS, Gwen. To realize that you were deprived of such simple things in life for THAT fvcking long....it broke me. But watching you discover it, healed every broken piece of me in seconds.
I held my heart when I stood at your bedside, and you opened your eyes and looked at me for the first time in 16 days. I held my heart when I realized you weren't still mad at me for saying such a stupid thing, and almost getting you killed........I held my heart when I cried my eyes out like a fvcking baby, when I saw you the morning after you were saved, and you lay there still in that hospital bed. Your entire body broken and battered, barely clinging to life. Gwen, that nearly killed me, that night. Seeing you like that. Seeing you like that from the second I walked into that room in the basement, and you lay there barely alive, watching the life being sucked out of you little by little....not knowing if I could get you help in time....then thinking you were gone......." Harry's voice was cracking now. Badly. Two tears fell out of his left eye, and one tear fell out of his right, and my heart broke. And swelled at the same time. It had swollen from the amazing things he was telling me. How he had watched me and payed attention to every single detail that was a highlight in my life the past week. I couldn't believe the things he was saying to me. Could this all be real? Was this happening right now? The things he was saying to me....sounded like the things I said to myself, when I decided that what I felt about Harry had to be LOVE.
Harry rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands quickly, and went on talking after swallowing hard, and blinking back more tears, and taking a deep breath.
"And I held my heart Gwen, this morning. When I walked into that house, and someone said "there's something wrong with her". I held it tight as it broke more and more with every step I ran up. And the second I got into the bathroom and I could see you sitting up, which meant to me that you were still alive....." he stopped again. More tears fell. His lip trembled. His chest shook with his jagged breaths that held back the sobs that I could tell wanted to come out. He was killing me. He was falling apart in front of me now. He looked up at the sky, possibly to find the strength to keep talking. And he held his heart. His tee shirt was crumpled up in his fist in the spot over his heart, and his knuckles were white, and his fingers were red.
"Gwen, you scared me today. And I had to be strong all that time, so you could be strong. But it was bad, Gwen. I was scared. Scared as hell. I didn't want to lose you. I didn't want you to be back in some hospital, tied to a bed, with doctors shoving needles into you to stop you from screaming, or something. It's all I kept picturing as I hummed to you, rocking you, trying to transfer every ounce of strength I had in me, to you, so you would come back to me, and be fine. I was so fvcking scared..."
It was time for a lip trembling, tears falling again, take some deep breaths break....which also meant, time for my heart to break into even smaller pieces than it was already broken down to.
I reached up and held his wrist. His hand was resting on his thigh as he sat on his knees in front of me.
My own tears started falling now. I'd kept them in so far, but to see him this scared...over something that turned out fine in the end, even....it was killing me. Literally. I could feel the pain in my chest. The heaviness in my stomach.
He looked down at me, and I saw a flash of horror hit his face. Maybe because he saw I was crying now?
"But you came back, Gwen. You came back to me. And here you are. And I hope you never fvcking do that again, because next time, I don't know if I can be that desperately strong again", he said, then he took some more deep breaths and looked at me.
"I'm sorry I'm babbling. I guess I needed to get this all off of my chest. But I wanted to answer you. I wanted to tell you not to feel bad when I apologize for kissing you. Or for.....whatever else we do.
Because I'm confused, Gwen. I'm torn. I don't know what to do. I love being with you. I love being close to you. I love touching your body. I fvcking love it when you touch mine. I love tasting your lips. Your tongue.................................." he took a long break from his words, but his eyes never left mine. They shimmered with unfallen tears, locked directly onto mine, as my own tears fell fast, like an endless supply. One right after another. Straight down. My breath was heavy and fast. My chest rose and fell like crazy. And I bit my lower lip and clenched my stomach to keep myself from full on sobbing.
"I........I LOVE you, Gwen. I love you", he finally said, half in a sob, half in a loud whisper.
He loves me. He said I love you. He said that, right? He just did. Just now. Right? He said he loves me.
Now I really MUST be dreaming. Or in Heaven. Or maybe in Hell, and Satan is just teasing me?
I heard a sharp sucking in of breath, and realized it was mine.
My mouth had fallen wide open.
My eyes were wide with shock.
My heart thudded in my chest.
I couldn't move!
His hands came up, his wrist wriggling out of my hand, and rubbed his eyes again. He breathed deeply, and tilted his head back towards the sky, eyes wide open.
He looked down at me then.
"I've been hiding it from myself for so long, Gwen. I couldn't admit it to myself. I couldn't accept it. But I knew it. I knew inside, that I loved you. I think from the first time you fell asleep in my arms when I rocked you and hummed to you. That I could take a broken girl in my arms, and put her into peace, even for a little while. That I could hold her like she'd probably never been held before in her life. And that she would trust me to do that. That she would trust a stranger. A MAN, no less, so quickly, and so fully....I felt that there had to be something between us. Something that we didn't realize. Something we couldn't see. Some sort of a connection. Some weird pull of the Universe, or some bizarre sh.it. And the way I couldn't get you off my mind from the second I laid eyes on you......the way I hung on your every word when we'd talk all night long. The way I didn't get bored listening to you, as I had with other girls in the past. The way I could FEEL your emotions as you told me stories......
The way I can feel what you're thinking right now, Gwen.
You're shocked. Shocked that I just told you I love you. Because you love me too. I know you do. I've known it all along. You think I didnt know, but I did. And you're confused, because you didn't know that I loved you. Because I wouldn't accept it myself, so I tried to make sure you couldn't read it in my eyes. But it was hard, Gwen. It was so hard to hide it. Just today, for example....you said you'd be sad if I'd gone for Jackie. I tried to act like I was suprised by that. But I wasn't. I knew how you felt. I knew I had to get myself out of Jackie's room, FAST, so I could go hug you, because if you found out what she'd tried on me, it would hurt you. And you'd already been hurt today, so I didn't want you to hurt any more. But there you were. Right there, at the door. Hearing it all happen. And I was mortified.
But I still continued with my original plan, to get us alone, and hug you before you could hurt.
And when I told you I didn't want a girlfriend.....I was trying to cover up that I had almost blurted out that I didn't want "anyone else but you". I almost let it slip. And I could feel the hurt in your stomach as my head layed against it. I felt you start to sigh again. But you stopped it. Because you didn't want me ask you why, right? You didn't want to let me know you were hurt.
I know, Gwen. You didn't exactly hide your feelings for me. And I loved you more, just knowing you loved me.
But I didn't want to confuse you. I didn't want to complicate your recovery. Your healing. Your adjusting. Because you still need to find yourSELF, Gwen. You need to discover who YOU are. Not "you WITH Harry." People lose themselves when they're with someone. It's not bad, usually. It's natural. But you've never even found yourself yet, so I wanted to keep us as friends, and give you the chance to find YOU.
And then, I hoped that you'd still love me later, and we'd be together. That was my every daydream. That someday, we'd be together.......am I right? Am I right in everything I just told you about what you're thinking right now?" Harry finally stopped talking, so I could pick up my chin from the ground, and wet my lips which were bone dry now, along with my tongue, actually.
I started to talk, but my voice was a crackly mess.
I cleared my throat quickly, and tried again.
"Yes", well, that was a good start. I didn't know what else to say. I mean, I knew what I WANTED to say. But I was still in shock. Trying to take everything in. He knew I loved him this whole time?
Why would he let me think he didn't.......oh, right. Because he was trying to hide it from me. That he loved me. Because I need to be myself first, before I can love him. But I already......
"Harry, I have loved you the entire time. You're right. I didn't know it was love, though. I just decided it was.....today. Just a little while ago. When your hands were on my shoulders. I thought back to how you make me feel. And how I feel about you. And how grateful and happy I am that you exist in this world, and that you were right here with me in this moment, and in this spot on Earth......I had wondered all along if what I felt for you was what they call love. But no one ever loved me before. My own mother didn't love me. She didn't want me. And you...I really thought you didn't love me. I really thought you just wanted to be my friend. Because I'm a pr....an EX pros.ti.tute. And how could anyone love that? Be a friend to? Sure. But love that? Love ME? No way. Although, you did have me pretty confused, because you were always kissing me, and.....coming, around me. Hehhehe.....sorry", I laughed a little, and he snorted out a laugh at himself, too, through some new tears that had made new trails down his face as I was talking.
"I wasn't sure what to think about your feelings towards me. But everything that I felt....I decided down here today, that it HAS to be what love feels like. It HAS TO. This has to be love, that I feel for you. And I told myself, that I officially LOVED YOU. Because what else would this be called? The feelings I had when you're near me. The twisting knot that becomes my stomach every time you aren't with me. The sparks that ignite my skin wherever you touch me, even just a finger tip on my hand. How wonderful of a person you are, and how appreciative I am about every thing you do for me. How I was able to trust you so quickly and so fully after knowing you for two seconds. How you are the only thing that can put me at ease when my mind is going crazy. How you hold me like I imagine a mother would hold a child, and I imagine you do that for me, so I can feel what that would be like. To be held and cared for. To be LOVED, for once in my life.
I pretended you loved me lots of times, Harry. It wasn't hard to pretend, because the things you did felt like you loved me. My every day dream was about you too. I'd imagine you were my boyfriend.
And Jackie told me, which was one of the long string of horrible things that happened to me yesterday, that since I wasn't your girlfriend, that she was going to try to be yours. And that broke my heart, because I thought you didn't love me, and that you might love Jackie, and I thought I'd die without you. Die from seeing you with another girl. And that was jealousy. I'd never been jealous before, until I met you. So I had to figure out what this awful, mean, nasty, greedy feeling was, and I decided it was jealousy. Which would come from feeling LOVE, right? More reason to believe what I felt for you was actually love..." I stopped, swallowed, took some deep breaths and looked into Harry's eyes.
"Are you serious, Harry? Do you really LOVE me? I'm awake and all that, right?" I stopped babbling, even though Harry seemed interested in every word I was saying. I watched the different emotions flare through his eyes, some staying for a few moments, some flashing through so quickly, I wasn't sure what they were, let alone if they even happened.
"I love you Gwen. I absolutely do. And you're awake. And you just made me the happiest man in the world, telling me I was right about you loving me. You know what? I don't even have to hold my heart anymore now! I can let it go where it's been trying to go all this time. Straight to yours. Straight into you. It wants to be with you, Gwen" he said as he let go of his balled up section of tee shirt, and put his hand down on his other thigh, like his right hand was.
"Harry?"
"Yea?"
"Can I kiss you? Or do you not want to....use my body....."
Harry laughed out at me.
"It won't be me using your body, if we kiss. It's just that it turns into more, and I can never control it when I'm with you."
You can kiss me. I want to kiss you. I've been struggling not to kiss you this entire time, since I ripped my lips from yours. I just knew I had to get that all out. I always tell you to tell me everything you're thinking, and not to keep things in.....but I was doing just the opposite, so I needed to get it out. I needed to tell you I love you. Ahhh. I feel better now", Harry laughed, and put out his arms for me.
I got up on my knees, but the rocks were too painful, so Harry stood up, which confused me, and reached for my hands. He pulled me up so I was standing, and he reached down and picked up the blanket, and took my hand and looked at my face, probably waiting for my smile, which didn't disappoint, if that's what he was looking for. It came right on cue, the second he grabbed my hand.
I looked up at him this time, without feeling awkward about my silly smile, because now it didn't have hidden meaning. Well, I had thought the meaning was hidden, but it turns out he knew all along. How embarrassing, actually. I laughed in my head.
Harry tossed the blanket next to a big flat rock that was flush with the ground. He swiped off the other small rocks and twigs and tree seeds and flicked off a small ant, and spread the blanket on the nice flat area he'd just cleared. He took both of my hands, and helped me sit, with my awkward, clunky boot, then he sat next to me, his hip touching mine. This made me happy. That he could be close to me now, and I wasn't confused. And I didn't have to hide how happy it made me anymore.
He turned right away to face me. "I'll take that kiss, if the offer still stands."
Hell RIGHT it still stands. Are you kidding? I fvcking LOVE kissing him.
"That offer ALWAYS stands. ALWAYS", I told him, and I turned to face him.
We looked at each other for a few seconds, and our lips slowly formed into slow growing smiles, until they were big enough for us to feel silly, so we both cracked up.
Then he put his lips on mine.
I let his lips lay on mine, and didn't move. Neither did he.
His eyes closed, so I let mine close so I could concentrate on feeling the texture of his soft lips.
I loved this....this THING we did, with our lips together, but not moving.
Apparently he loved it TOO much, though.
"Gwen...I love this. I do. It's my favorite thing in the entire world when we do this. It's like....fvcking magic and sh.it. BUT.....you know what's gonna happen if we continue doing this, right? And right now....I don't want it to happen. I'm having too much of an amazing time just being with you. Do you understand what I mean at all? Be honest."
I opened my eyes as he spoke, and even though the magic spell between us was broken by his pulling away, the words he used....the fact that he just named it magic, made up for the loss of his lips on mine.
"Yes. I think I do understand. I can't explain it really, but I'm pretty sure I do get it. So we'll stop our lip...hugging. Or whatever it would be called", I told him.
"Lip hugging. I like that. That's kind of what it is, isn't it? Like....I've never done that before, and it really is magical feeling", he told me.
"It definitely is magical. Just when you broke the...lip hug, and started talking, I was thinking in my mind that you broke the magic spell between us. And then a second later, you called it magical. Isn't that weird?" I asked Harry.
"Really!?" he laughed, but looked shocked or something. "You really ARE my soul mate. From the way you reacted to this place, my favorite place, to us both calling it magical.....You have GOT to be my soul mate. I just hope I'm yours!" Harry stated.
"Well, how can one person be someone's soul mate, but the other person's isn't....the other person? Or...you know what I mean." I laughed now, at my inability to say whatever that meant.
"I don't know. But it does happen. Seems impossible, right? But it happens. I've heard of it a few times, Harry explained.
"I just know I love you" I told Harry. "And I love everything that you are. And everything you do. And every way you think. Well, except for when you think it'd be fun to string me along and not act like you love me, when I'm over here absolutely dying, wishing you'd love me back as much as I loved you. Except for THAT brilliant thought you had.....I feel like you fit me perfectly", I said, with that little bit of sarcasm joking about him hiding his feelings for me.
"Ouch. You really let me have it right there, didn't you? Ok! Ok. I deserved that. I did. I know. But it was BECAUSE I loved you so much, that I had to hide my love for you, FOR YOU. So, it WAS a brilliant idea....at first. But after a little while, not so much anymore. I'll admit. You win", he laughed, and leaned in and kissed me once. "You know, you said you wanted to kiss me, but lip HUGGING doesn't count as KISSING."
"Oops? So I guess I have to try again. Is that what you're saying?"
"Hell yeah, that's what I'm saying. I'm still waiting here."
"Hmmm....well, what if I want to hide my kissy feelings for you? What if it's for your own good? Because you have to find your hand before you can find...my va.gina, which is what could happen if we kiss. So if I hide my urges to kiss you, you'll heal better..." I couldn't keep a straight face. I started cracking up mid bogus explanation. I was having fun playing with him now. Torturing him a little, like he'd tortured me all this time. I wasn't mad about it. It was just frustrating that I felt so unloved so many times, when I was actually loved and didn't know it. I had wished so hard, so many times, that he felt the way I did about him, but......ahhh, who cares. He DID love me. He DOES love me. Fvck it.
"You think you're funny, don't you? You think you have jokes, eh? Well, two can play at that game, ya know. He looked down, and unwrapped his fingers from both of my hands, where I loved them to be, and put his hands behind his back, with a smug grin on his face.
Oooh, that fvcker. He went there. Yes he did. He knows how to hurt a woman! Who knew?
"NOW you're not playing fair. That's just downright MEAN, Harry. You KNOW I live for holding your hands." I scolded him.
"What? I know not of what you speak of", he tried looking all innocent, but looked dumb instead. Heh.
"If you REALLY wanna go there.........I could go there. I could win right this second", I told him, with pure confidence. I knew I could. I could end the whole game right now.
"Oh REALLY???? Now I'm intrigued. Give it your best, m'lady!" he joked around with his fancy, silly talk more.
"You sure? You're gonna lose", I warned him one more time. I didn't even know what we'd started this fight/contest/teasing thing from in the first place. I didn't even know who was trying to tease who anymore. It was just all.....a lot of fun. I was loving this.
"As I said.....try your best. You're stalling. That shows weakness. That shows low confidence in your plan, just saying", he teased me.
Ok. I'll show him confidence. And I'll show him who will be the WEAK one! Taunt me, will you?
I slowly moved my left hand over towards his stomach. We were sort of sitting side by side, but facing each other, mostly with our heads. So my left hand was close to him, being on my left side.
As he looked at me, waiting for my next response, I grabbed his shirt lightly with just my finger tips, while staring into his eyes, with a "I'll fvcking crush you" look, trying to keep his attention at my face.
It was working.
I lifted his shirt ever so slowly, until I knew his stomach skin was exposed just enough. I cleared my throat, so I could look down real quick to make sure where everything was, without him noticing.
I had gone too long without saying anything back, by now, so I thought of something quick. "You will lose, you know. Right now. I'm warning you." I said, not being able to think of anything else to stall and distract him with.
My fingers got into a flat, opened palmed position, facing down. Right above the rim of his shorts.
That's right. I was going THERE. I'd show him who was boss.
I leaned in to Harry's face, and put my lips as close as I could get them, without touching his. It immediately had an effect on me, but I couldn't let it distract me.
He didn't move. He kept his ground. But I heard the gasp in his chest as he kept staring at me, determined to see me fail.
With my left hand cocked and ready....for co.ck....I thrust my hand straight down into his shorts, which were just loose enough for me to get in there a good amount, fast enough, before he felt it too much. I didn't bother going into his boxers waistband. That was too tight to his skin. He'd grab me and stop me before I got anywhere. But this small loose spot in his shorts....I could get somewhere.
And I did just that.
I managed to push my hand down far enough to grab his pen.is over his boxers. I didn't do anything with it. I simply held it, as I held my lips juuuuuuuust out of reach of his lips.
At the sudden invasion, Harry jumped and realized what was going on. He looked down, and gasped loud and sharp now. He looked back up at me with his mouth open. "You think you can..." I moved ONE single muscle. I moved my middle finger, which was resting on his d.ick, which was hard, even when I'd first gone in, so it was sticking upwards against his groin, so my middle finger was actually on the bottom of his di.ck. I slid that one finger up and back down. One time, while still looking at him confidently as he started to talk.
"Awwhhhhh.....OK! Ok. Alright. Yeah. You win. Fuck! You win. Ok......." he kept repeating over and over, as his entire body jumped and he frantically stumbled to his feet, leaving my hand to fall out of his shorts.
"Fvck!" Harry yelled, as he palmed his own member over his shorts. "Fvck! Really Gwen? Really?" he said to me with the ultimate frustration in his tone.
I was getting nervous that I'd crossed the line. That he was mad. I couldn't tell, actually. Was this going to be another thing I'd fvcked up? God, I hoped not. Our day was so perfect so far.....
He was still palming his dick. I could see the rock hard shape underneath his hand. He had taken about five steps away from me already, and kept turning around to not face me. He started laughing, suddenly. Good??
"Dammit!! You got me! I should've known what you had planned! God, I'm so stupid! Damn you!! Talk about 'going there'? Wow! You sure did go there!!! I'll get you for this, you know. I'll get you back. Fvck!!!" he was stepping around, turning to face away and then back to face me....he was flustered.
I warned him!
I watched him palm himself some, then walk away to the riverbank, and stand there for a while with his head back towards the sky. His hands were both at his side, though, so he wasn't....you know....
I could see his shoulders move up, then come down, right before he turned around and started to walk back to me.
I still didn't know if he was mad at me or not. I was nervous. I couldn't even look at him as he walked over. I was.....scared, I just noticed. It was an automatic response, me being scared of being hit, when I made someone mad. I didn't think Harry would hit me. I KNOW he wouldn't.....but I still couldn't help feeling like I'd be hit. Beaten.
When he got to the blanket, he stood there for a second. When he went to plop down next to me, he did it with a suddenness...and out of the corner of my eye, and in my fvcked up, abused mind, it looked like he was getting into a position to hit me. My mind freaked. And my entire body flinched away from him. My arms flew up to block myself and I lunged sideways, as you would do, to hope your legs got the brunt of the swings, and not your upper body or face.
I sort of realized what was happening half way through my huge flinch, and I sort of stopped it, and leaned back up straight, and put my hands down, hoping Harry didn't notice what just happened.
But he noticed.
"Gwen!! Hey!!! It's me! What's.......what......?" he stuttered, sounding totally surprised and confused.
When I went to talk, I realized I was out of breath. I was panting like I'd run a marathon, even though the rest of my body was calm now.
I stared at the ground, realizing just how freaked out I was, and tried to catch my breath, mouth wide open, eyes darting around from blanket to rocks to trees across the river, back to the blanket....
I felt temporarily insane or something. But yet...I knew I wasn't in danger.
Harry's arms came around me really slowly and gently, so as not to scare me, I suppose.
I lifted my arms and held his. "I'm so sorry Harry. I didn't think....I knew you wouldn't....but my mind...." I tried to tell him, but I was still trying to catch my breath and just calm myself down.
"It's ok Gwen. I'm here. I know. I know. You know I wouldn't hurt you, but your mind reacted anyway, right? It's alright. I get it. It's allllllllright, Gwen. I love you. I don't want you to be scared anymore. Shhhhh........shhhhh......It's all fine, Gwen....shhh..." he tried calming me down. It was working. I just had to go with it, and let it play out.
"I thought you might be mad at me for my trick. I'm sorry. I'm a freak."
"Gwen! I WILL be mad at you if you call yourself names like that. You're NOT a freak. You're so fvcking strong, you don't even realize it. You just have to adjust to people not hurting you. And no, Gwen, I wasn't mad at you at all. I loved your trick. You won, for fuck's sakes! That was funny! I was laughing! I was shocked, and it took a lot of staring at trees and birds, and picturing birds pooping and eating dead squirrels, with strings of meat in their beaks as they devoured the poor, dead furry body's innards, to calm my hormones. All I could picture was your lips just about touching mine, and I couldn't make the hard on stop throbbing! I was never mad at you. Not at all. I promise. You knew how to win the game, or whatever that was we were playing, and you did it! It was genius, actually. You definitely don't fight fair, that's for sure. But it's ok.....I'm still going to get you back, though. This isn't over! Not after that stunt you pulled, woman!" Harry laughed, and I was starting to feel better.
"You promise you weren't mad?"
"I absolutely promise I was NOT mad. Not at all."
"Ok. Good. I thought I'd crossed the line, maybe."
"No...there is no line, Gwen. I love you. You love me. As long as it's not something hurtful, there's no line for evil games like that. You're NOT gonna like what I do to you though, when I get you back. Just sayin'."
"Oh boy. You aren't gonna like...not come visit me for a day or something, are you?"
"No no nooooo! Nothing like that. THAT would be hurtful! To us both! No, it'll be....annoying. Very annoying. Let's just put it that way, shall we? Now...are you feeling better?"
"I am. Thank you for not being mad. And thank you for understanding my reaction. I feel so stupid when I do something like that." I pulled my face away from his chest now. On my way to look up at him, my eyes caught something, and I did a double take. Down at the top of his shorts, on one spot, near where my hand had gone, there was a dark spot, about the size of a quarter.
"I thought you said you didn't come?" I blurted out, without thinking. Oops?
"Huh?" he said, and he looked down at his shorts. "Oh.....that's not come. That's pre co.me."
"Ohhhh. Right. Sorry."
"Yeah yeah. I blame you."
"Well, yeah. You should! Cause I WON, bitch!" I tried to pep back up and continue our fun again.
He looked at me funny, but realized he should just go with it.
"You'll see. It's not gonna be so fun when I get my revenge", he warned me again.
I gave a concerned look. I couldn't possibly think of what he had planned to get me back, but I couldn't stop worrying that it was gonna be something bad.
"Stop worrying! It's nothing bad! I promise! It's just gonna annoy the living fvck out of you, is all!" he answered me as if he'd read my mind. Well, apparently he's been reading my mind all this time.
"Do you want that kiss now?" I asked him shyly.
"I don't know. Are you gonna trick me somehow?" he looked at me suspiciously.
"No. I promise. Just a kiss."
"You do know that a promise is a big deal, right? It's like....just as important and binding as a legal, signed contrac...." I stopped him now.
"I know what a promise is. I might be...."new" to the world, but I know some stuff." I told him.
"Ok. Well, then if you promise no tricks....cause if you trick me again in the next hour.....things WILL get messy. Literally." Harry said, looking down at his wet spot, then looking up at me with a half smile that he was trying to hold in.
I laughed at him, and then leaned in close to him. He leaned in the rest of the way, with eyes that were still suspicious, his lips pursed as if he was waiting for my trick.
Our foreheads rested on one another, and I closed my eyes, and went for the kiss, but then stopped and my eyes flew open.
"Wait....is the revenge gonna be right now?" I started worrying.
Harry laughed for what seemed like forever.
"No, Gwen. Not right now. I also promise no tricks right now. In fact, the revenge most likely won't happen today. I think. You never know with me, though....once I kiss you.....anyway....no. And it has nothing to do with kissing, just so you're not confused. Now...are we EVER gonna kiss, or what? It's been like an HOUR now, through almost comings, and total panic attacks n' sh.it......and we STILL haven't kissed!"
I laughed now. "Oh my God! You're right! I love you Harry. I just wanted to say that."
"I love you, Gwen. So much." he got serious now, and his finger came up to my chin, and pushed my face up towards his, and without letting another second mess us up, his lips crashed down onto mine.
Ahhhhhhhh. Finally.
We kissed and kissed. Starting off softly and passionately, eventually turning into hungry, desperate kisses, like we couldn't get enough of each other's mouths. His lips left mine to wander off down the trail to my neck, and down the front of my neck to my collarbone as I whimpered, then back up, finding their way back home to my lips. Our breathing was now loud enough to be heard past the roar of the fast moving water in front of us.
I tried to move my lips away to other places, but his hands came up from both sides of my neck and forced my lips back to his.
We kissed and kissed, and his lips slid down my neck and over my ear and down to my collarbone, and across to the other side, to cover all those areas....and back to my lips, and we were breathing fast, and every time his mouth would leave mine, I'd whimper from the loss of the taste of him, and his lips burning my skin made me sigh repeatedly......and then as he kissed around the back side of my neck and A loud, long moan escaped my lips and he stopped moving, and his breath hitched.