HARRY'S POV:
Gwen had really been through a lot today. I could see the exhaustion in her eyes for the past few hours. But she never complained. She just kept up with Meem, and went about the motions like she was supposed to. I'm sure she was used to it, really....but she had been laid out for a while, so I'm sure she was extra tired now, with her entire body having used every ounce of energy to heal itself in the past month. And she must be tired from walking on that boot...doesn't that hurt her leg?
I'd almost kissed her earlier. I don't know what came over me. She looked at me with her big sad doe eyes, and her tears were so perfectly tear shaped as they rolled down her cheeks....and when I pushed them away, she got chills. She said it was because she liked my touch. And hearing that just made something snap inside of me. I knew she liked my hugs and all....but how did she like my touch? Just being touched in a NICE way from another human for once? Or because my touch...DID 'something' to her inside, like her touch did to me? I didn't know. But it intrigued me, and shocked me for a second, and I ended up staring at her lips, remembering how GOOD they'd felt in the past. And I wanted soooo badly to feel them against mine again. My breath was getting heavy, and I had to control myself.
I didn't want to kiss her. She didn't need any complications anyway. I couldn't be selfish here. Acting the wrong way could ruin everything for her. Make her adjusting to life slower......yes. Hands off, Haz. Don't be a selfish pig. Yes, she felt better than any other girl you've ever touched. But NO, she's your friend. And you're being one to her. And you can't mess it up for her. Dammit!! Sometimes I tell you, I hate being a man. We're all pigs. Even when we mean well.
I laid here on the floor while Gwen took a nap in her bed, for quite some time. Jodi had come up and asked what we were doing all this time. When I told her she needed some words of encouragement and then she fell asleep in my arms, she held her hand over her heart and made an "awww" face. She said since I was on the floor I could stay, until she woke up, but that they don't encourage boyfriends here because the girls need to get to know themselves to recover from whatever they'd gone through. But it's also not against the rules. They are all legal adults.
I dozed in and out, but most of the time, I watched Gwen sleep up on her bed. She was on her side, facing me, and her eyes looked so peaceful now. I'd never seen them like that. I'd always seen a crinkled line between her eyes, from the stress of living her life.
I loved when she'd take a deeper breath in, and her nose would give a little snort. She was so cute when she slept in peacefulness. I thought I liked Gwen before. The new Gwen was even more...enchanting to watch.
Enchanting? Did I just use that term to describe Gwen??
Sh.it.
It was really getting hard to push my feelings aside now. I had tried for a while now, to tell myself she's just pretty. She's just needy. She's just nice. There's nothing there. It's just a crush, even, is what I settled on the other day.
But it was feeling more and more like...I couldn't stop the feelings.
But I HAD to.
I had to keep them at bay and ignore them. It was getting harder now though.
Fvvvvvvvvck.
Keep your sh.it together Haz.
As I lay staring at the ceiling, using a small stack of new clothes from the dresser as a pillow, I heard Gwen waking up.
I looked over at her quietly until she noticed me. Her eyes widened and she lifted her head.
"You stayed here! What time is it? It's dark out! Are you allowed here this late?" she asked.
"It's not that late really...later than they'd want me to stay, but they're letting me stay for now. I'm sure I'll have to leave soon though. Do you think you'll be alright?"
"I think so. Anywhere is better than before, so...but I feel weird with the girls here. Like, I haven't yet, but I'm afraid living with them again is gonna make me...remember things...like bring it all back to me."
"Flashbacks, you mean? I can understand that. Make sure you tell Jodi or Meem or whoever's shift it is if you start feeling icky. They're here to help you get through this stuff, remember. There's a lot I can't help you with, or I would. But I'll always at least try, if you need me to."
"Yeah...I will. I want to heal. I want to be normal and feel fine. And I know I can't rely on you all the time."
"I'll come back tomorrow as soon as they let me...if you want me to, that is."
"Of course!! I didn't wanna ask if you were coming tomorrow, but I was hoping you were."
"Sweet. So how was your nap? Comfy bed?"
"Yes. VERY! This is the first REAL bed I've ever slept in, in my entire life! Besides the hospital bed, I mean...but that's different somehow."
My heart sunk right then and there for her. Her first time laying in a REAL bed. One with two mattresses and something keeping it off the ground. Wow. No wonder she's loving this room so much. To me it's just a small room with barely any stuff in it. It's nice, don't get me wrong. Very cute, and has what anyone would need. But it's nothing fancy. To her, though....it's the most beautiful room she's ever been in. Literally. This poor girl......
"So you must be loving it then! That's awesome Gwen", I told her with a forced smile on my face. I was so happy for her, but my sadness for her was overpowering the happiness.
I got up off the floor and put the "pillow" of clothes back on the dresser.
"Do you want me to help you set up your clothes in your dresser? Or help you with anything before I go tonight?" I asked, knowing I'd probably be kicked out soon. "Oh! Wait, first, you missed dinner! They came to get you, but they decided to let you sleep. Jodi said there'd be a plate for you in the fridge. Wanna go check it out?" I remembered. Surely she must be hungry by now.
"Sure....ok. I could eat." Gwen rubbed her belly in anticipation.
We walked downstairs and into the kitchen. The lights were dim, but there were three girls sitting with their knees tucked under their chins around the table. When they saw us, they smiled and the blonde girl got up. "Brown.....I mean, Gwen! Are you here for your dinner plate? I'll heat it for you. Sit down with us! Harry, you can sit too, of course! We consider you one of the girls now", she laughed and the others joined in the laughter too. Even Gwen, who seemed overwhelmed at the blonde's peppiness towards her. She didn't know these girls' personalities or practically even their voices yet. It had to be so strange for her. She knew them by their hair color, and their whispers. And.....by their bodies during s.ex. I shuddered at that last bothersome thought off and tried to keep the peppy, happy mood in the kitchen.
Gwen sat in one of the many chairs. And I sat next to her.
"So you like your room? Did you try the bed yet? It's wonderful, isn't it? It's so soft and bouncy!!" the Asian girl said to Gwen.
"Yes....it was the best nap I've ever taken!" Gwen managed to seem happy and peppy to match the girls. They were so far ahead of her in their recovery. They were like normal, regular girls by now. I started to feel scared for Gwen. I didn't know if she'd hide away or something, feeling like she's not like them. Or maybe she'd catch up with them in no time. I just didn't know. But I was nervous about it.
Jodi came into the kitchen for a drink and noticed me still here. "You! I'd forgotten you were still here! It's probably time you left for the night after she's done her dinner, ok? You can tuck her in if you like, but then zzzzzt! Outta here!" she used her thumb and silly sounds to signal me getting the hell outta there.
"Yes ma'am! Will do!" I answered her back, saluting her as a joke back.
She smiled and got her drink and disappeared again.
The blonde girl had put Gwen's warmed plate in front of her and gotten her utensils, and Gwen thanked her took her first bite. It looked and smelled pretty good, and judging by Gwen's reaction, it was. It reminded me that I hadn't eaten since the morning. I'd stop on the way home for something.
Sh.it! I need a ride back to my car!
"I'll be right back Gwen, ok?" I told her as I stood up and went to the office.
I walked in and both women were sitting at desks, filling out papers, one after another.
Meem looked up first. "You need a ride, don't you?" she read my mind.
"Yes. I just wanted to make sure you hadn't forgotten. After Gwen's done her meal, I'll be ready then, if you are", I told her.
"Yep...just let me know!" she responded, face in her papers.
"Alright, thank you." I walked out of the room and back to Gwen, whose eyes brightened when she saw me. I hope she was having a nice time, talking with the girls while I was gone. I heard talking and laughter on the way down the hall.
--------
Sitting on the edge of Gwen's bed, as she slid in, wearing her new pajama shorts and cami set the Black girl showed her while I waited in the hall for her to get changed, Gwen looked up at me as her head sunk to the pillow. "Thank you so much, Harry. Thank you for being here for me."
"Of course, Gwen. Thank you for letting me be here for you! I mean that. But you don't have to thank me so much!"
"I can't help it. I can't repay you in any way yet, but I have to do something to show how much I appreciate you."
I smiled a genuine smile, and leaned down to kiss her head and swipe her hairs out of her face, to join the rest of her hair that was splayed out on the pillow around her head, beautifully. She was quite a sight to take in, let me tell you. It's like I'd only ever seen her in black and white in that awful place. And now, I'm getting to see her in full, brilliant, HD color, and she's so fu.cking beautiful, I just cant' stop staring.
She smiled up at me, and turned over and pulled her fluffy covers up to her ears. She looked quite cozy, and that made my heart quite cozy.
"Tomorrow, right?" she asked, her small voice barely pushing out of the blankets.
"Definitely." I told her as I stood up and walked to her door.
She closed her eyes, and looked more content than I'd ever seen her. Except when she's in my arms. That's a whole other level of contentness I don't think anything can reach.
I switched off her light, and walked down stairs.
Jodi drove me instead of Meem, in her own car, cause her shift was ending. Meem was pulling a double tonight.
We barely talked, as I could tell she was tired, and so was I.
She mentioned how much the girls love me and are thankful for me. They call me their hero, apparently. My eyes watered hearing that. If I'd done ONE good thing in my life, this was it. I didn't have to worry if I never made another difference in anything ever again. I had been justified as a worthy human, just by saving all these girls. I'd have to tell Lou about it too. He didn't want to be too involved, but the girls and everyone did know I had a helper, so that's good. They had made a card for him a few weeks ago. He acted macho about it, but when I went for a quick pee, I came out and saw him looking at the card again, and his eyes seemed glossy. I couldn't have done it without him, and he deserved equal credit. He has been justified in this life, also. No matter what he does from here.
I worked on a few lyrics before falling asleep with my pen and paper next to me.
GWEN'S POV:
I had to concentrate to remember where the hell I was when I woke up today. I could see everything, but I just wasn't sure right away! I think I slept too long. I felt groggy for a while. Spanish had come to wake me up, and said to come help make breakfast.
I shuddered, thinking that I'd be cooking in a kitchen again with all the girls. It was giving me thoughts of......what did Harry call it? Flashbacks. Yes. It was giving me flashbacks. I wasn't sure if I could do this. When would Harry be here, I wondered as I got dressed in whatever clothes I saw on the dresser first.
I noticed all my toiletries on the vanity, and took what I needed in a little plastic bin, and walked upstairs to the bathrooms. One was locked, and the other was open, and Blondie was just leaving with her bin and towel and pajamas in her hand. "It's all yours!" she said cheerfully as she walked by me.
I looked around, not knowing quite what to do, then finally walked in.
I started the shower, then I realized I could close the door. I had gotten used to this in the hospital, but here with the girls...I feel like I have no privacy anymore. Like everything's like it used to be in that hell. I have to keep reminding myself that we're not there anymore. It's hard!
I locked the door, and got to my shower and teeth and all. I automatically put my hair into a ponytail, and then as I stared at myself in the mirror, I realized I didn't HAVE to wear it like that. Right? I didn't have to anymore. I made a messy bun at the top of my head just to get it all out of my way for now, and got dressed. When I opened the door, Red was waiting for the next available bathroom, and quickly ducked in before Asian could get there. A lady I'd never seen before was coming out of Blackie's room, carrying some new bottles of shampoos and soaps. When she saw me, she smiled and came over before I got to my room door.
"You must be Gwen!" she said cheerfully.
"Yes", I told her shyly.
"I'm Beth. I work here a few times a week. I've heard all about you, and I'm glad to finally meet you!" she held out her hand and I shook it, and told her it was nice to meet her. She seemed nice enough.
"I'm just giving the girls shampoo refills...I'm sure you don't need one yet", she laughed.
"No, heh...not yet. I love the way it smells, though" I added in, not knowing why.
"Yeah, I use this stuff at home too. It really makes your hair soft also", she continued with the small talk. "Well, I gotta make the rounds....I'll see you at breakfast, Gwen!"
I waved, and continued into my room and closed the door.
I stood there and breathed for a few minutes. Just breathing and looking around.
I hadn't had to talk to people in so long, that I felt really anxious when I did it now. Except with Harry. It just came naturally talking to him.
The other girls seemed to be doing so well, that I started to feel a little left out. A little jealous of them. They were all friends now, and joking and laughing and talking together....I know they tried to include me, but they were so ahead of me...how could I catch up?
I felt a tear running down my cheek, and I wiped it with the back of my hand. I didn't want to cry today. I wanted to be brave and have a good day. Stupid tear.
I got up from leaning on my door, and put my toiletries back on my vanity.
I guess I'm supposed to sit on the stool in front of the mirror and do my hair, put lotion on, and all that girly stuff here?
I sat and tried to do just that. But I couldn't stop staring at myself.
I didn't know why.
I'd never really gotten to just LOOK at myself, with no rush. This was strange to me.
I could actually SEE ME now. Take time and see what color my eyes were. They weren't beautiful like Harry's bright green ones. Mine were....brownish greenish I guess. I had long eyelashes though. I thought that might be nice. I didn't know. I didn't know what was beautiful or pretty or ugly now.
I didn't really know anything, actually. I knew how to shower and brush my teeth.
I noticed movement in the mirror, and looking up, I noticed Blondie standing in my doorway.
I turned my head and she greeted me. "Hey! You need any help? I know how lost I felt the first few days. I didn't know what to do with my hair, or what to wear..."
I smiled at her with relief. "Actually yes. I was just thinking how I don't know anything, except how to shower and brush my teeth and put a ponytail in!"
"Well, let's see...." she said as she came in and sat on the long stool next to me as we both looked at me in the mirror.
The girls that were already in the kitchen making breakfast all gasped when they saw me walk in behind Blondie. She had me change into denim shorts, which matched my tank top better. And she braided my hair tilted towards the side, so it hung over the front of my shoulder, with some "wispy hairs" as she called them, hanging down the sides of my face. Blondie showed me how to put on make up, too. It was in my vanity drawer, and I didn't even know it.
She put some brown pencil stuff, to outline my eyes. Then she put a little color on my cheeks with a soft brush thing. And some lip gloss that had a little pinkish color to it. She said I didn't need a lot of makeup, because I was already so pretty.
She showed me the perfume spray that was in the drawer too. There were a few scents. I chose which one I liked best, and put some on my neck and wrists, like she showed me.
I felt....pretty. I'd never worn makeup before.
I asked her how she learned all this, and she said Jodi taught them all. And they watch a lot of girly tv, so they know what to do now. She said I'd learn in no time. Especially with all of them around to help.
I gave her a huge hug when she was done making me pretty. When she saw my eyes watering, she told me to "Stoppp! You're gonna make me mess up my own makeup!" as she fanned her face and bit her lip. "Harry is gonna LOVE seeing you like this" she added in before she disappeared into the hall.
What did THAT mean?
"Gwen, you look SO good! Welcome to makeup! Not that you need it, though...you've always been so pretty, even when your face was bruised up!" Blackie told me from across the kitchen.
Spanish hit Blackie in the arm, "Don't remind her! She's just starting, remember!"
"Oh! Right....sorry! I was just trying to say she's pretty, no matter what!" Blackie said.
Beth came in and asked me to make pancake mix. She showed me where the box of mix was, and showed me the measuring cups, and bowls and spoons and told me to read the directions.
Asian came over and heated a pan, and took the mix I made and started making tons of pancakes with it. I mostly watched today, but they said I'd get more comfy tomorrow.
I was feeling overwhelmed again, but I was trying hard to keep calm and collected.
Breakfast was so delicious, it took most of my worries away, just tasting it. Eggs, bacon, sausage, pancakes, french toast....they said they usually don't have such a morning feast, but since it was my first morning, they all decided to go nuts. They all clanked their glasses of orange juice together, too, saying "To Gwen!" They signaled me to do it too, so I did.
Beth laughed when she walked in, and she must have seen the confusion in my face, so she told me it was called a toast, and tried to explain what it means.
I ended up laughing and talking with the girls. It was a nice breakfast. I loved seeing each girl's actual personality now, after knowing them for so long. I mean, I sort of knew their personalities, but this was totally different when they were outspoken. They were all so nice. Every single one. I had missed them. I didn't feel flashbacks or anything, I realized when breakfast was over. What a relief.
We all cleaned off the table and everyone helped load the dishwasher and clean the stove and counters and all that. I was starting to feel more comfortable now. The girls were so helpful in every way, so that helped me feel at ease.
After breakfast, we all went into the living room and someone put on the tv. All the girls got comfy. Some on the floor with huge pillows, some laying with their legs up over each other's laps. Some slouching, some with their knees tucked up into their chests.
I sat between Asian and Red, and Red put her leg across mine. A movie about a lady who forgot who her husband was, and who her kids were, came on. The whole things showed how they started dating, and the boy wouldn't leave her alone, and kept bothering her till she dated him, but then they were in love, but her parents didn't like him, so they made them break up, and she almost married someone else, but then she saw him in a newspaper, and went to see him and they got back together....and they died in bed together in the end, I guess. It was very sad, and we all had tears going down our cheeks.
The movie made me think of Harry. I didn't know why, though. It just did. I wished that he would love me. And never leave me alone, and we could die in our bed together when we're old.
Stupid, I know. But I would gladly love Harry if he'd love me.
Sometimes I wondered if I DID love Harry already. I didn't know what love felt like, though, so who knows? How would I know if I did? I just liked him a whole lot, and couldn't wait to see him every day, and hated when he'd walk out of the room. Even when he'd just go pee real quick, I'd miss him and my stomach would twist up in knots.....like now. I wondered when he'd be here today. Were there visiting hours here too?
I decided to start my new life, and actually do something for myself for once. I had to learn to take care of myself again. I'd realized I'd been floating around through life for the past month, with everyone taking care of me, and I'd forgotten that I was responsible for me, and I should start doing what I need to do to get all healed and educated and adjusted into society, as everyone had put it.
So I was starting with going up to Beth and asking if there were visitor hours, and if she knew when Harry would be allowed here.
There. That wasn't so hard!
Beth said she didn't know what time he'd be here, but he was allowed here from noon till 7pm.
That sounded like plenty of time. It was only 10 now, so the thought of two more hours to wait for him made my heart sink a little.
But the girls occupied my time. They broke off into little groups. Some played board games. Some went upstairs to hang out in each other's rooms. Some went outside to sit and hang out, or just walk around the yard. They did whatever they felt like doing, whenever they felt like doing it. It was crazy, to me!
Chores would be in an hour.
I felt like I'd lived an entire day already, and I'd only been awake from 6am till now.
My leg was sort of achy too. But not too bad.
It had rained overnight, so since I was gonna go outside with Blondie and Spanish, they waited for me to get my flip flop from my room, since I could rinse them when I came in.
I hobbled up quick, and heard a sound next to my room as I approached.
Getting closer to it, it sounded like a moan, like someone was hurt.
Concerned, I went up to the door, and listened. I heard it again.
I opened the door slowly, and peeked in to see who needed help.
There, on the bed, was Asian and Red, naked together, having s.ex.
I totally did NOT expect to see that.
I froze, and watched for a few seconds, not knowing what to think or do.
Asian looked up and noticed me standing there. Eek?
"Hey! Come on! You can join in, Gwen!" she said to me, causing Red to look over at who she was talking to.
"Um.....I.....I'm good.......thanks......I'm.......good", I stuttered, and backed out of the room and closed the door, and ran into my own room.
I thought girls only did that because clients wanted them to? Why were they doing it now?
I was so confused, and I was starting to get flashbacks, and anxiety.
I remembered why I came up here in the first place, suddenly, and I grabbed my flip flop, and ran downstairs, if you could call hobbling in my big awkward boot on my healing leg, quickly "running", still feeling flustered.
Blondie saw me and said "what took you so long? I thought maybe you had joined Tara and Ming!"
"You know what they were doing?" I asked, surprised.
"Yeah! Everyone knows! They like each other a little too much. But hey...we're all used to having s.ex a lot, so sometimes we can't help it. The counselors are trying to tell us to mast.urbate instead, but some of us just need a warm body, ya know? It's what we know, right?" Blondie explained to me as we walked outside in the wet grass.
"So the counselors know about it too? It's ok?" I asked, trying to learn all the rules here.
"Yeah, they know...and they allow it, cause they can't babysit us all the time, and we ARE grown ups, and we can make our own decisions. But they say it isn't healthy, and we should learn to live without s.ex for a while, because you can't just have s.ex with anyone, cause you feel like it, out here in the real world. That would be slutty, they said. I haven't done it....I've kept it to myself. But some of the girls, they just...need to do it", Blondie explained more.
"Wow. I never even thought of it since...." I told Blondie.
"You haven't been touched since that night? Or no...the night before, right? And you haven't thought of s.ex since you woke up from your coma?" Blondie asked me, seeming surprised.
"No. I haven't. Why would you all want to do that again? Haven't you done it enough after all this time? I mean....it was horrible!"
"You never liked it? Ever? Sure, it sucked most times, but sometimes....sometimes it felt good, didn't it? You didn't have a client that was your favorite? One who made it feel good?"
"Nope. Not any. I hated them all. I hated every s.ex I've ever had. Well, except with Haa....." I slipped and stopped talking.
"Except with who? Harry? I thought he wasn't really a client?" Blondie asked, confused now.
"He wasn't. Do you know the whole story?" I asked her.
"I thought I did, but you just said you had s.ex with him....I thought he saw you at the bathrooms, beaten up, and tried to come see you later, Mike gave him the special menu, and he picked you and you talked all the time, and planned how to get us all out?"
"Yes. That's exactly what happened. BUT, Gus started noticing......", I explained the whole story of Harry and I having to have sex twice to Blondie, both of us now sitting on a three person swing seat in the back, facing the forest.
"Wow. I'm sorry to hear that's what happened. But you said you hated s.ex with everyone, EXCEPT with Harry? So it wasn't bad then, at least?"
"No. It wasn't bad. It was......wonderful, actually. It was then that I first knew that s.ex could feel good at all for girls. I thought s.ex was just fun for guys. I really did".
"Hadn't any clients made you ever org.asm at all?", Blondie asked, surprised again.
"Well, yeah. Sometimes. But I didn't like the org.asms. I could tell they were supposed to feel good, but I felt so gross, and ashamed every time it happened, it just made me feel sick."
"Wow. You should have tried to at least enjoy what little you could, in that sh.it hole life we had! I tried to enjoy the s.ex, whenever I could. And plenty of the men made me feel really good. I mean, I'd rather not have been having s.ex with them, but since I had to, I figured I'd get the most out of it that I could, at least!", she giggled a little, "So what was so great about Harry then?"
"I don't know. I noticed he felt good...like, he made me feel sparkly all over, when he'd hug me. Or even if his hand touched mine or whatever. But then when we had s.ex, he was so gentle. He stopped when he pushed in, and let me get used to him. He didn't want to hurt me. He was kind. He asked me if I was ok. He looked at me with care in his eyes. I don't know. I just....felt great having him touching me. And when I org.asmed, it was like heaven. I could barely breathe. I could barely open my eyes. I almost didn't know what was happening, but yet, I did. I just never knew it could feel that good." I laughed a little, to ease the awkwardness of the conversation. I wasn't awkward about s.ex. It's what I knew. It's what we all knew. I was awkward about s.ex with Harry, though. I didn't know why. Maybe because I didn't know s.ex like THAT. Good s.ex. Nice s.ex.
"Wow. So you like him?" Blondie asked out of the blue.
"Of course I do! He's a wonderful friend. He's so nice, and giving and caring, and...." Blondie cut me off with her laughter. "What!?" I asked as she laughed at me.
"I mean, so you LIKE like him then? Like....want him as a boyfriend kind of like!"
"Ohhhhhhh.......I don't.....know. I mean, I like him so much.....and when he leaves, I feel empty inside. He's so handsome, and I love his curly hair. He's so nice, that it makes me feel...like I want to touch him, and I want him to touch me. I don't know! I get all these strange feelings all the time, but they're all so new, I don't know what they mean! It's confusing. And I know he'd never want me as his girlfriend, because I'm a who.re, and because we're just friends. But that makes me sad to think about, too! I'm just really confused, is all. I just don't want him to ever stop being my friend. If that's all I can have of Harry, then I'll just have to take that and be happy about it for as long as I can have him", I spewed all my confused thoughts to Blondie. It felt GREAT to get that all out to someone.
"Yep. You like him. LIKE LIKE him, I mean. It's definite!"
"I guess you're right."
"So he said he'd never date you because you're a who.re?"
"No! No, he didn't SAY that. But I just know that's what I am. And he knows that too. But he's trying to make me realize I'm NOT a who.re. And I never was. Because I didn't CHOOSE to have s.ex with all those men. I was F0RCED to do it. So that means I was RAP.ED by all those men. Which is a huge difference from being a who.re. He says, anyway."
"Can I ask you something?" I asked Blondie in all seriousness.
"Of course!" she said.
"Since Harry had s.ex with me in there, does that mean he rap.ed me too?" I asked her.
"No Gwen...HE was f0rced to do that. I wouldn't worry about it. He was rap.ed into rap.ing you, really, if you think about it!" she explained.
"Yeah, I guess you're right. That makes me feel better about it. I know it bothered him, and probably still does, and I just want to make him feel better about it. I never thought of it this way. Thank you so much!" I turned and gave her a big hug, and she hugged me tightly back. I felt a LOT better about what happened in that place with Harry, now. Not that it bothered me like that.....I knew I told him to do it, and he did what he had to do. But in HIS head, I could tell he wasn't taking it that way that night.
"I think it's chore time now. We do an hour of chores around the house, like cleaning, doing yard work and all, then we go in for lunch. We can eat outside, though if it's nice. So come on Gwen!" Blondie hopped up from the swing and started skipping through the grass and into the back of the house.
I couldn't skip, so I hobbled along in my boot and flip flop. When I caught up to her in the kitchen, I gave her a quick hug again and told her thanks for talking with me. She smiled and said of course, it's what we were all here together for.
Then I turned around, and Harry was standing in the doorway of the kitchen, looking at me with a different sort of smile on his face. It was almost as if he was out of it or something.
"Harry!!" I rushed over to him, and threw my arms around him, and he put his around me, for a long hug. "I don't think you're supposed to be here yet. Visiting is from noon to seven, you know", I told him.
"Yeah, I just found that out. Beth said I could stay this time, but now I know the times for next time", he said, giving Beth a pouty face across the room. I heard her laugh. "You're lucky you're cute, mister!' she joked to him.
"I have to do chores for an hour, so you can....go wait somewhere? I'm sorry...." I told Harry.
"Stop apologizing! I'm ok! I'll wait on the front porch or something", he said.
"Or you could do chores with us!" I heard a girl shout from across the room.
"Hey, if I'm allowed to help, I'll help. I don't mind at all", Harry responded.
"Can you get any more perfect? If you really really wanna help, you can, Harry", Beth said.
"Great! What is Gwen doing? I'll help her" Harry said happily.
"Well, since she'll have help, she can scrub the bathrooms today! I was gonna start her off easy, but hey..." Beth said.
I cringed. I hated scrubbing bathrooms. But even worse than that, it was another thing that might give me flashbacks. Harry must have caught my cringy face, because he laughed at me and said "Oh come on Gwen...it'll be fun!"
It made me feel better. He'd be there, so it wouldn't be that bad, I guess.
Beth handed me a mop, and a bucket with cleaning supplies in it. I guess I knew what to do. I started upstairs, and Harry followed. "Downstairs bathroom too?" I shouted down from almost at the top.
"Nope! Just the two upstairs. That's a separate job for someone", Beth answered up to me.
We continued up, and when we got to the attic, Harry pulled the mop and bucket out of my hand, and put them down, leaning the mop against the wall.
I looked up at him wondering what the hell...
He looked down at me and spread his arms out wide and got a big silly grin on his face.
It made me laugh, and I stepped in to his arms, and gave him the hug he silently asked for. I did it gladly. "Gwen, I have to say, you look absolutely BEAUTIFUL today. I love your hair, and I love the little bit of makeup.....just......WOW!" Harry whispered as he hugged me. This made me feel good. Like I could find myself. Find who I was, and what I should look like. And maybe there was hope that I could be pretty. I needed that. I needed him to tell me that. It made me feel great inside.
As I hugged him, all that talk about Harry with Blondie earlier had me missing him horribly. And remembering s.ex with him had me......wanting s.ex with him. But I knew that would never happen again.
"Oh...earlier, I was talking to Blondie, and I told her about Gus f0rcing us to.....you know", I started.
"Why'd you tell her about that? Please don't tell anyone about that if you don't have to, ok? I'm not mad or anything...I just.....I don't like that we were f0rced to do that, so I'd prefer people didn't know, if possible", he said softly.
"I'm sorry", I said, looking down, feeling shitty now that I let him down. I'm always fucking up. I can never do anything right...
"Gwen....no. Don't beat yourself up about it. I know you are right now, in your head. I told you, it's not a big deal...I just don't want anyone to know our private business. It was between me and you. And I'm not happy about how it happened. Remember, I didn't want to break my promises to you, and I ended up having to break BOTH of them in one night, so....I'm ashamed about it. I'm NOT ashamed of having been with you, though. Know that. I'm ashamed that we were f0rced, is all", Harry told me.
I guess I felt better...I wasn't sure.
"So you were saying...." Harry reminded me that I had a point to make.
"Oh, yeah....um....I told her about what happened, because I saw .....two of the girls having s.ex together this morning....." I told Harry the whole story, and the talk leading up to her asking me about s.ex with him. I told him the short conversation I'd had with Blondie about what happened between us. "I just....wanted to make sure you didn't feel like you rap.ed me. I've been bothered ever since, hoping that's not what you think of that night. Because I know you didn't...........Harry? Please say something.....", I pleaded, noticing his eyes closed now, his lips tightly together.
He finally opened his eyes, and looked at me. "You don't know how many times I've been over that night in my head, Gwen. Hundreds, probably, just trying to get it all to sit right in my mind, and accept what I had to do to you, FOR you. Believe me. For a while, I DID believe that I was no better than the clients. I did. And I was going through a really tough time about it. I even confided in my friend Louis, who helped me help you. He ended up saying the same sort of thing your friend told you. And I don't feel like I did anything bad to you, anymore.
So no, don't worry...I don't think that about myself anymore. And thank you so much Gwen, for being so concerned about what I felt. That really touches me inside. Thank you for thinking of me. And for feeling free to talk about it with me, too. You're such a wonderful person, Gwen....every day, I swear, you make me feel more and more........" Harry stopped talking right there, and sighed.
"More and more what?" I asked for him to continue.
"More and more....happy to be your friend", he said, without much emotion behind his words now.
My heart dipped in my chest, and the air got stuck in my throat for a second. I had picturing him saying something wonderful and romantic. I mean, I WISHED he'd say something like that. Stupid girly romantic movie this morning. I am not watching anything like THAT anymore. I felt like that Noah character in the movie when he loved her for a long time, all by himself, suffering and being sad all alone.....
"Gwen? Are you alright?" I came out of my thoughts to hear Harry asking me.
"Oh, yeah. Sorry. I was just...thinking. I'm ok", I lied and faked a smile. I don't think he bought the lie or the smile, because he gave me a strange look.
"Anyway, let's do this cleaning thing! Or we'll never get done!", Harry said.
"Ok. Let's", I told him, but before he could grab the bucket, I took his hand and pulled him to me. He looked at me shocked, but stepped into my waiting arms anyway, and wrapped his arms around me again. "I can't get enough of your hugs", I told him to lighten the mood.
"I can't get enough of giving them to you", he responded into the back of my neck, which gave me goosebumps and sparks everywhere. I could never let go of him, and I'd be perfectly happy, I swear.
I started pulling away, but he pulled me back in. I laughed a little, and he gave one nasally breath laugh, and hugged me more.
This time he finally pulled away, and I held him tight, but reluctantly let himself f0rce me off of him.
I looked up at him to laugh, but the look in his eyes startled me, as they were fixed on mine, looking from one to the other with a strange intensity.
He took a deep, long breath, and in a second, his lips were on mine.
I was only shocked for a second or two, before joining his movements. My entire body came alive in a split second. I could hear Blondie's words echoing in my mind "You LIKE like him......Definitely......"
His lips moved on mine differently than they had before, the few times we'd kissed that one crappy night. They felt panicked. Rushed. Hungry for mine. Like he was an animal, and he hadn't eaten in days, and my lips were food. But it felt sooo good. I had thought it was so good before, but this....the way he pressed the center of my back in towards him with his hands. The way his quick breaths rushed out of his nose. The occasional small groan that escaped his throat. I pictured him pushing me to the wall and lifting me on to him and fvcking me so hard, that I'd feel that good pain I'd felt with him before. I was dizzy, I was so out of breath and so lost in the feeling of his soft lips taking over mine.
He stopped suddenly and pulled away quickly, putting his hands on my shoulders, and holding me there at arm's length away from him, catching his breath.
He didn't look at me. He looked straight down at our feet, while he calmed his breathing, swallowing hard a few times. He looked....pained.
"I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry Gwen. I didn't mean to. I shouldn't have let myself...", he managed to get out between breaths.
Everything he'd just said, ruined how good I was feeling in that moment. My heart felt like it would fall out of my mouth, as I got nauseous.
It had been so wonderful just a second ago, and now, everything had crashed to the ground in flames, and the nausea started making me gag now.
I gagged, and ducked over, holding my stomach, and ran to the toilet.
"Gwen....are you alright? I'm sorry....I know. I shouldn't have done that. I'm so sorry. Are you ok?"
I gagged a few more times, trying desperately not to throw up. I hated throwing up. I hated throwing up from stomach bugs, and food poisoning and from clients who stuck their di.cks too far down my throat, relentlessly, and wouldn't remove them even after I gagged and gagged....I hated it.
I felt Harry's hands on my back now. He rubbed his hand in circles gently, as I started controlling my nausea more now.
When the wave was finally passed, I stood up and went to the sink for a drink of water, even though nothing had come up.
"What happened Gwen? Was that from me kissing you? I truly am sorry. I won't do that again. I promise", Harry said behind me.
Won't do that again????????? Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Doesn't he know that I LOVED it??
I turned around to face Harry. "I'm so sorry...I'm not being a very good friend when I kiss you and make you gag. It won't happen again, ok? I promise. Please tell me you forgive me, please?" he said to me before I could open my mouth to talk.
"Harry....I.....please. Don't say that", was all I could get out. I wanted to scream to him not say that. Not to say that he'd never kiss me again. Not to say he's sorry. Why couldn't he tell that I liked it? Why didn't he feel what I was pouring into his lips from my heart? How did he not know how badly his sorrys hurt me?
"I'm sorry I made you sick. I know you have a lot going on just trying to learn who you are, and I slipped. I just slipped and I'm sorry Gwen. Please don't be mad at me", he begged me more.
"Your words. You...they made me sick. Not the kiss, Harry. What you said after...hurt me", I finally managed a real sentence with an actual start, middle and ending and a point.
Harry stopped and his mouth dropped opened. "I don't understand."
"You kissed me and told me it was a mistake and you didn't mean to do it and you promised you'd never kiss me again! Why? Why did you kiss me in the first place if you hated it so bad?"
"I didn't....I never meant....I didn't hate it Gwen. I lo.....kissing you is....fvck.
I fvcking love kissing you Gwen. Once my lips touch yours, I can't get enough. I lose control almost. I can't stop.
I know I'm your friend, and I know you like me as a friend, and I'm crossing the friendship line and that's what I'm sorry about. I don't want to not be friends with you Gwen. I don't want to mess up what we have. But sometimes your lips just look...like mine should be on them", he said in an exasperated tone of voice, like he didn't want to say what he said, but he had to say it anyway.
I was so flustered, I didn't even know what to say. I looked at his lips when he said his should be on mine and I agreed totally with that. They should be. So without even thinking, I helped him out with that.
I went forward a little too fast and bumped into him, but my lips landed where they should be. One of us would probably have a fat lip after this.
He froze and I almost stopped in total embarrassment, but then he put his hands around my cheeks and pulled my face even closer with a low groan.