A/N- So this is a oneshot based off of the poem the man reads on the side. Please go watch it before you read this(: Niall has OCD in this oneshot and i am so sorry if i get any information wrong, i do not nor has anyone ive ever known had OCD, i am simply going off what the man describes. I really hope you like it, thank you wouldntlast_1day for the beautiful cover! x And this will be dedicated to _BoyDirectioner for helping me sort out some ideas for this. Love you all, enjoy!
~Anti Spoon Girl! <3
16 times. 16 times. 16 times. 16 times.
Niall flipped the lock to his front door 16 times exactly, always 16 times, before padding his way towards his bedroom where he flipped the light on and off, on and off, on and off. He clenched his eyes shut in frustration and clenches hair as he kept flipping the light on and off because one time wasn’t enough and neither was 5 nor 7 times.
No, 16 times was enough.
When Niall was finally able to pad his way over to his bed where the corner of his covers were neatly folded down at the corner, he bent down to squirt hand sanitizer in his palm, rubbing his hands together even after they were dry, before slipping underneath the covers.
It was warm, the room dark and silent with only the soft tip tapping of the rain hitting the windows, yet he could not sleep. His mind racing with ‘did I lock the door yet, lock the door yet, lock the door yet’ or a constant babble of a coursing mantras of worries.
And Niall’s not quite sure when exhaustion becomes too much, pulling him into sleep and away from the mantra.
But when his mind flickers on and his eyelids flutter open as the shrill ‘beep’ ‘beep’ of his alarm clock goes off at exactly 8:24 he almost wishes he could go back to sleep and fall back into the place where the nagging becomes a dull pull. But he doesn’t dwell on the fact to long because his hands are itching, twitching with the need to shower, scrubbing his body clear of the germs that are crawling along his skin.
Niall spends 30 minutes in the shower, using exactly 10 minutes for each task before getting out and putting on his clothes, making sure to put his left leg in his pants first and to put his left sock on before his right, same with his shoes.
Its 9:30 before Niall leaves for school, spending the last 30 minutes having to turn off each of the lights until he felt that it was enough.
The streets were crowded on the short walk to the small coffee shop, people weaving around Niall as he had to stop at every crack in the sidewalk. But eventually he got to the coffee shop, the door chiming as he pushed open the glass door. Chatter filled his ears, a few people littered around the small tables around him.
Niall’s eyes caught with the soft brown eyes behind the counter and it was as if his brain went silent. All the ticks, all the constantly refreshing images just disappeared. Floated away from the loud nagging, to a dull pull to just nothing.
And as he walked up to the counter, the boy who Niall had seen every morning that he came in here just smiled at him, and all Niall could think about was the slight curve of his lips and the eye lash on his cheek, the eye lash on his cheek, the eye lash on his cheek.
“Here’s your coffee,” the boy’s voice was smooth with just the little bit rasp that made Niall’s heart jerk and tug. Niall never had to order because Zayn, as he had learned by the name tag on his shirt, knew that Niall always got his coffee black with 2 shots of espresso at the same time every morning.
Niall handed Zayn a few pounds as the boy gave him his coffee. “Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.” Niall kept muttering, hating himself for it oh so much but the smile that Zayn gave him let him know that the boy didn’t mind. The boy never minded.
Every morning when Niall kept muttering ‘thank you’s like a mantra, Zayn just let him, his smile growing wider.
“No problem, Niall. Anything for my favorite customer,” his voice was shy and flirty, running a tanned hand through his brown hair that was down, unlike most days.
A soft blush ran over Niall’s pale cheeks, as he fiddled with his coffee and worried his bottom lip between his teeth.
And like most times, Niall couldn’t control the things that he said, and as the words were tumbling from his mouth, he cursed himself internally. “Will you go out with me sometime?” And Zayn looked up at him with wide eyes, the corner of his lips pulling upward, but still Niall had to continue. “Will you go out with me, will you go out with me, will you go out with me, will you go out with me?”
And even if Zayn said yes the third time, Niall had to continue because it had to be perfect because Zayn was perfect and everything had to be perfect for him.
Zayn chuckled but it wasn’t disdainful or mocking it was just sweet and so smooth and happy. “I'm free tomorrow night, why don’t we meet somewhere then, yeah?”
Niall’s heart fluttered, stuttering to keep beating as he managed to nod. “Yeah, that sounds nice.”
They were both blushing a soft pink as Zayn grabbed a napkin and wrote his number on it with the sharpie from his pocket, just as the door behind them chimed. “Call me, yeah?”
“Yeah,” he said breathlessly, grabbing the napkin and his drink just as someone was walking up behind him to order before turning to walk out the door with only a small glance back at Zayn.
For once, as Niall was walking to school, his mind wasn’t racing with thoughts and images of germs crawling into his skin or an endless succession of cars. All thoughts were racing around one beautiful tanned boy, how his brown eyes seemed to glow golden when he was happy, how his smile was radiant, how he only ever seemed to talk a lot when he had something worth saying.
He was beautiful and Niall was sinking. Sinking deeper and deeper within his mind, locked in amongst the refreshing images of the wide smile, not the one that was small and shy but the one that Niall had only ever seen a handful of times, the one that showed his teeth and squinted his eyes, the one where his tongue pressed against his teeth.
Niall was sinking and it felt as though he would drown but for once he didn’t mind. He didn’t mind that his thoughts were controlling him like he normally would, no, because he liked the feeling that came with being around Zayn and seeing him. He liked the feeling that came with making Zayn smile or laugh, and Niall felt himself begin to get hooked on Zayn, and it should worry him, but it didn’t.
It didn’t worry him for the rest of the day, not when he was in class and should be listening to the teacher, and not when Liam was talking to him about this girl he met and was trying so hard to keep his thoughts on his best friend.
And when he went home that night after locking the door 16 times and turning the lights on and off, on and off, on and off, and was finally crawling into bed his mind wasn’t filled with ‘did I lock the door yet? Yes.
Did I wash my hands yet? Yes.
Did I lock the door yet? Yes.
Did I wash my hands yet? Yes.’
No, it was filled with swirling images of tanned and to pale mixing and blue and brown golden blending. For once Niall didn’t mind not being able to sleep because of his thoughts as long as he could stay up thinking of Zayn and his smooth voice.
-
The next morning Niall didn’t have class but he still went to the coffee shop like he normally does every morning and instead of leaving, Niall talked to Zayn all morning between customers. They talked about everything, between what they were doing tonight to where they grew up and what their favorite movies were.
Niall managed to occupy his hands by playing with a napkin as to not touch too many things and annoy Zayn. And though Niall cringed internally every time he began to ramble or repeat himself, Zayn never commented on it.
Eventually that morning Niall mustered up the little confidence he had in himself and told Zayn about his OCD with nervous hands working faster at the napkin until it tore.
“Oh, yeah, I knew someone growing up that had OCD. Real pain in the ass, huh?” And that was that. Nothing else was needed to be said and Niall was thankful because he hated when people asked about it, asked about what it was like or just saying that ‘what are you just a clean freak?’. He wasn’t ashamed, just embarrassed when he was singled out.
And their morning continued, Niall telling Zayn about Liam and Zayn telling Niall about his roommates Louis and Harry who he had went to high school with. Zayn told Niall about how he grew up with Louis, their mums being really close and sisters being best friends and when they were in the 10th grade they met a dorky 9th grader who followed Louis around like a lost puppy.
“But it was cute, ya know, cause Louis did the same to him. And sometime between when we met Harry and the end of our 10th grade year, they had gotten together. Now they’re engaged.” Zayn summarized, fixing a guys coffee.
“Really? When are they getting married?”
“Couple months from now,” Zayn shrugged, walking over to the man and handing him his coffee before coming back over to Niall with a small smile.
They spent all morning there laughing and joking, just getting to know each other before Niall had to go to work at the small bookstore around 12:30 and Zayn shyly bent over the counter and kissed Niall’s rosy cheek. They both agreed to meet in front of a small place called ‘Adam’s Bistro’ that Zayn heard was a nice place that night at 7 and Niall was barely managing to keep himself from squealing from excitement.
And at the bookstore, it didn’t help how his coworker Ryan was constantly buzzing around Niall asking what that smile was for and why his cheeks were so red, seeming not to settle for Niall’s, ‘what I can’t be happy?’ response.
And that night if Niall changed clothes 6 times only to put back on the outfit he had on first and left the house 30 minutes early because he just knew that he would have to stop at every crack on his street, well he didn’t think too much about it.
When Niall got to the Bistro, Zayn was already their dressed in sinfully tight jeans and a dark red button up and he just looked beautiful. And Niall would feel self conscious but Zayn was biting his lip and his eyes were flickering around and he looked just as nervous as Niall felt.
“Hi. Hi. Hi.” Niall said closing his eyes and biting the inside of his cheek because he’s doing that again, he’s repeating himself and he hates it.
“Hey.” Zayn just says back with a shy smile, smile growing when he notices the red tint crawling along Niall’s pale cheeks. “Let’s go eat yeah, I'm starved.”
Niall just nods, not trusting his voice at this point because yeah, he’s hooked on Zayn and Zayn is beautiful and nice and Niall can smell his cologne and cigarettes and mint and it’s all so nice and it’s all so Zayn.
When they are ushered over to their table with the light chatter around them it’s nice and calm and Zayn and Niall are just kind of looking at each other, mapping out the blemishes and ridges in the others face, carving it into memory until the waiter comes over asking what they want to drink.
“So, Ni, you said you work at a bookstore?” Zayn asked, eyes looking from Niall back to the menu in his hands.
Niall’s stomach did flips at just the smooth tone of Zayn’s voice and the way his lips curved around each word. “Yeah, yeah, I’ve been working there since I moved here after high school.”
“Oh yeah you’re studying music production yeah?”
Niall hummed his response before the waiter walked over to them and they ordered their food. “You’re studying teaching, English, and art, right?”
“Yeah, it’s a lot and people think I'm weird for having so many majors but I’d rather do what I enjoy and be able to have my options open after college. I'm never quite sure if I want to teach English or Art, so why should I decide now?”
Niall couldn’t help but stare at Zayn for a moment, just see him for who he was, for how smart and talented he was and it was all so much and yeah, Niall’s sure that Zayn is the most beautiful and complex thing he’s ever gotten stuck on. And when Zayn looks up and sees Niall looking at him with so much fondness in his eyes and a soft smile, he just looks back at him the same way.
Niall’s blushing now but neither of the boys break their gaze until they are interrupted by the waiter bringing over their food.
And if Niall hates himself for spending more time organizing his food by color instead of eating or fucking talking to him, well he would rather not think about it because Zayn just smiles bigger, not mean or mocking, just fond. Zayn loved it because it was Niall and he wouldn’t change him.
Zayn walks Niall home after they have eaten, both boys continuing to joke and laugh with each other, not minding how long it’s taking to get to Niall’s house because there are lots of cracks on the sidewalk.
But when they get to Niall’s small apartment complex and are standing in front of his door, keys in hand, Niall looks up at Zayn and says a small, “I had a really good time tonight.”
Zayn smiles back at him, and it’s the smile with his tongue pressing against his teeth and Niall knows that’s the smile he gets when he’s so happy, can tell by how his nose and eyes crinkle adorably. “I had a really good time too; we should really go out again some time.”
They’re closer now; Niall can feel the small puffs of breath against his lips. And when Niall stands on his toes to kiss him it’s not quick or chaste or anything else than what it was, just a soft press of their lips, warm and sweet. But it’s not good enough so Niall keeps kissing him, each like the last, only finally pulling away when Niall has reached 16 times.
Zayn presses their foreheads together and sounds slightly out of breath, his thumb running over Niall’s hipbone. “I’ll see you at the coffee shop in the morning?”
Niall nods, not trusting his voice because he’s too hot and his skin burns all over and he hopes Zayn feels the same.
And yeah, maybe after Niall slips inside he has to lean against the door and feels like a teenage girl after her first kiss. And it’s not until Niall has gone through his routine of locking his door and turning his lights on and off until he’s satisfied and has crawled into bed, unable to sleep because he’s still slightly buzzing from their date and their goodnight kiss, that he realizes he forgot to wash his hands.
It’s then that he realizes that he doesn’t really care, for once and it’s both comforting and scary but it still makes him smile as he falls asleep to the thought of Zayn’s lips against his, even if he does sound like a teenage girl.
-
The next morning, Niall’s not as annoyed by the constant beeping of his alarm clock that wakes him up because his body is still tingling all over with the thought of going to the coffee shop that day.
His steps are a little quicker running through his morning routine and getting to the coffee shop but Niall figures, no one has to know. And as the little bell chimes and he steps in, with warm air engulfing him, he sees Zayn look up at him with large, happy eyes.
Zayn tries not to stare; Niall can tell by the way that even while he fixes a woman’s coffee, he peaks up through his lashes with his lip between his teeth, trying to hide a smile.
Once the woman has paid and is on her way out of the coffee shop, Niall walks up and bites his lips.
“Hi.”
Zayn smiles that really big smile and leans over the counter, their breath mingling together as he whispers a, ‘hey you’ before give him a soft kiss. Niall’s hands reach up almost like a reflex, holding Zayn there as Niall continues to kiss him, counting down until he reaches 16.
“I like how you kiss me 16 times,” Zayn whispers, their lips still ghosting against each others.
Niall blushes, a soft pink crawling along his cheeks. “I like kissing you 16 times.” And then Zayn is leaning back away with one more, soft kiss to Niall’s warm cheek.
“So, do you have class today?” Zayn asks as he busies himself making Niall’s coffee.
Niall hums and nods, “Yeah, can’t stay and talk today as much as I would love to so I could get out of music history.”
Zayn laughs and it’s bright and happy and Niall wants to make him laugh more, just wants to make him happy. “Well what time do you go to work?”
“Um, I go in after class about 2 and get off at 6, why?”
“Would you mind if I came and hung out with you after I get off?” Zayn hands him his coffee after Niall pays and Niall can see the blush rising on his tanned cheeks.
“Course not, I’ll see you then, yeah?” And as Niall leans up to kiss Zayn 16 times more, feeling the boy smile around ten almost making Niall loose count, all Niall can’t think about is the way Zayn smells of coffee, smells of coffee, smells of coffee. It’s becoming addicting.
-
It quickly becomes a thing. Niall will go to the coffee shop the same as always and on days where Niall doesn’t have school they will sit and talk until Niall has to go to work where Zayn will pick him up and they will go out, sometimes staying in and watching a movie.
Other days where Niall has school, Zayn will come and hang out with Niall at work until it’s time for his classes. And on those nights Niall will go meet with Zayn when he gets out of class and they will spend the rest of the night until late back at Zayn’s because it’s closer than his place.
The weekends however are Niall’s favorite because those days are when Niall will go to Zayn’s early in the morning when Zayn will still be sleeping and lay down with him, cuddled up in the smell of cigarettes and mint and coffee. Sometimes Niall will clean, even when Zayn tells him he doesn’t have to, but Niall insists because Niall’s skin burns when he sees it’s a mess.
That’s why he refuses to go near Louis and Harry’s room.
And the first time when Niall came over he nearly had a panic attack because their apartment is dirty and Niall was already freaking out about meeting Zayn’s friends for the first time. Why Zayn invited him back after that, he will never know.
Zayn becomes accustomed to a lot of the things that Niall does, the way that when he’s nervous or his skin burns with the need for something he will twiddle something in his fingers, or how Niall will stop at all the cracks in a sidewalk and the way Niall will do certain things a certain number of times, and if Zayn doesn’t do them that way, he gets anxious.
Zayn says that he likes those things about Niall though. Says that he wouldn’t change them because they are what make up who Niall is. And he likes how Niall will kiss him 16 times or 24 times if it’s a Wednesday.
“Why 24 this time?” Zayn had laughed the Wednesday after they met when they were standing in front of Niall’s door.
“Because it’s Wednesday,” Niall had shrugged and Zayn smiled before kissing Niall on the cheek one last time.
He liked how on the first night Zayn had slept over Niall had gone through and turned the lights on and off, on and off, on and off. He had closed his eyes as he lay in bed, waiting for Niall to join, and just imagined that the days and nights were passing by him.
And he liked how Niall watched his mouth when he talked.
It made Niall, for the first time in his life; feel like he belonged, like he wasn’t being singled out amongst everyone just because he had OCD.
It was when they were sitting in Niall’s kitchen one night for dinner when Niall knew that this was where he belonged, truly knew deep down. Because Zayn had looked up at him with their fingers laced together, kissed them each twice because he knew that Niall liked it that way and said in the most sincere and fond voice Niall had ever heard with the corners of his lips turning up, “I love you, Niall.”
They had been together for a few months then and Niall whispered back with as much sincerity, without hesitation, “I love you too, Zayn.”
And if that night their hands were more feverish and needy then no one said anything.
-
It was the day of Louis and Harry’s wedding, however, when Niall felt like he had found his forever. Because Niall watched from his front row seats beside Liam and his girlfriend, outside under the bright sun, as Louis walked down the aisle with glassy eyes and a wide smile that made his eyes crinkle with Zayn beside Harry in a fitted tux.
All of it was beautiful and as Harry and Louis their ‘I do’s or in Louis’ case ‘yes yes, yes endlessly yes’ and kissed the first time as husbands, Zayn’s eyes met Niall’s with a silent maybe, and yeah, Niall wants this to be his forever.
During the reception, Zayn comes over to Niall and pulls him to the dance floor, and with the song ‘Endlessly’ by the Cab playing around him, bodies melting together, Zayn whispers a quiet ‘move in with me?’ in Niall’s ear. It’s the happiest he thinks he’s ever been.
And Zayn ended up moving in with Niall after Louis and Harry got back from their honey moon, well it was more of Louis kicking Zayn out, but they thought it was best to give them their own place so no one argued.
Nothing changed really, they still went over to Louis and Harry’s quite often as did Liam, and other than the fact that Zayn and Niall got to see each other more everything was the same and, well, Niall saw that as a positive.
He loved waking up in the mornings with warm arms around him, holding him close, going to sleep the same, and seeming to have a now permanent smell of coffee and cigarettes and mint on his pillows and in his sheets.
Sleeping became easier because Zayn’s voice and his soft touches lulled him to sleep, Niall saw no down side.
“You know, I don’t think we will ever have to worry about someone breaking in because you definitely locked the door 16 times.” Zayn chuckled as Niall finished locking the door one night, coming up to wrap his arms around Niall. It was that light hearted laugh that Niall had fell in love with, right in his ear, pulling and tugging on his heart.
And it was nice and perfect and Niall was just so happy. It was like he could feel himself reaching his forever.
Between that night and 3 months later, Niall’s not quite sure what’s changed. He’s still happy, he still craves the smell of coffee and cigarettes and mint but something’s different.
Niall’s not quite sure if the signs had been there or not, all he knows is that he notices when he leans up to kiss Zayn goodbye because he has to leave for work before Niall does, and Zayn turns his head so his lips press against his cheek.
“Sorry, babe, you’re making me late, I’ll lose my job if I'm late again.”
And then the door is opening and Niall hasn’t even finished his, “I love you” when the door is closing and he’s left there standing in their living room feeling cold and shut off.
The days following aren’t better, the weeks only worse. Because Zayn has stopped stopping at a crack in the sidewalk, preferring to walk ahead and when he says ‘I love you’ his mouth is in a straight line.
Niall feels his forever slipping and its one night close to a year when they get into a fight. Niall’s not quite sure what it’s about or how it started but he knows they’re shouting at each other and he’s crying and his heart is heavy.
He’s sure that the fight is over something petty, but it doesn’t seem like it when Zayn looks at him and says, “You take up to much of my time.”
They are back to screaming at each other and Niall can hardly breathe through the sobs and his yells and everything just hurts.
Zayn stays with Louis and Harry that night. And the night after and the next 10 after that.
Niall’s not even sure how long he’s been gone but he knows he hasn’t slept at all and when he tries it’s on the couch because he can’t sleep in his room because it smells of Zayn and buying a new spread would just make all it to final.
One day Louis and Harry come over to pick up Zayn’s stuff and Niall cries in the bathroom, tries to be quiet, and when they leave they say that they’ll keep in touch, but they both know they won’t.
It feels too surreal, Niall can no longer see his forever, it has fallen to the ground and shattered and he feels like he has to.
When they do talk one day it’s at the coffee shop because Niall can’t- physically can’t- go to another, and Niall wishes he had never gotten up that morning.
Zayn looks at him with a straight mouth as he says, “I'm sorry.” And Niall knows that he can tell he’s been crying all morning and hasn’t slept or barely eaten as he continues, “I shouldn’t have let you get so attached. I'm no good, Niall. I don’t do this, and I'm sorry that I let It get this far. This was a mistake.”
Niall can’t speak or breathe but he manages a pitiful nod like its fine without sobbing and for that he’s proud of himself.
Liam is there to comfort him but he doesn’t smell of coffee and cigarettes and mint so Niall just gets mad and tells him he wants to be alone.
That same day Niall lays in his bed and let the fading smell of Zayn surround him as he cries until he feels like he may throw up and all he can think is how can love be a mistake? How can this be a mistake when I don’t have to wash my hands after I touch you?
Niall would rather wake up the next morning, after he finally falls asleep after throwing up twice, thinking about how Zayn’s face lights up when he gets Niall to laugh.
How his brow furrows when he’s drawing.
How smoke tumbles from his oh so red lips-
His red lips…
His red lips…
His red lips…
His red li-
Niall clenches his fists in his hair until it hurts and shuts his eyes tight because now when he wakes up he thinks about whose kissing him. And Niall can’t breathe if he only kisses him once because he doesn’t care if it’s perfect.
He can’t see how this is a mistake because he no longer obsesses over germs crawling along his skin, he no longer feels like he’s drowning because of his OCD suffocating him.
And Love is not a mistake, and it’s killing him because he can run away from this and Niall just can’t.
Niall just wants him back so bad.
He leaves the door unlocked.
He leaves the lights on.
-----------------------------------------------------------
A/N- Ahhh, this is kinda really freaking sad! :D haha, but im happy with it. Please tell me what you thought, comment and vote and fan if you want! It all means a lot! Love you all! x