"No," I snap at Susanne. The words come out very shy but harsh.
Susanne was asking me if I was interested in getting a new psychiatrist. I said no, a plain no. I was not risking someone else life just because I needed to get over this traumatic experience that I have experienced a year ago. I was not going to tell anyone any other secrets buried in my brain in fear of them getting killed by the man. I look over to Susanne and she says okay. I hope she doesn't ask why. She doesn't. Thank God.
There was a long period of time from when I was 15- up to a year ago where I did not believe in God. I had always payed attention in Church but I never really much cared for it. I would always pray before I go to sleep and wish something to God, but it never came true. I just sort of lost faith and I never went back to Church. The day I actually started believing in God was the day of the intrusion. The day that I was not killed. God wanted something from me so that day wasn't my day destined to die. God had protected my sister and I from all evil. I still have my doubts and worries, but I believe there is someone watching over me that is protecting me at every corner of the world. From the baddest of days he is always here with me.
I have never told anyone that and I never plan on doing so.
Susanne slowly gets up and dials a number on her shiny silver iPhone.
"Hello? Yes, this is Susanne. Yes, she would not like to have one. No, thank you. Ba-bye."
Ba-bye? Hm, never heard that before.
Ellie is out again in the garden with Johnny so that means I can talk to Susanne.
"Susanne, can I tell you something?"
"Anything," she responds.
"I am happy Garred is dead."
"What? Why would you say that. I thought you told the police that you were so sad that they both died?" She asked, her face changing emotion really fast.
"He abused us, he made Ellie sad and our whole family sad."
"Claire, why didn't you tell anyone?" She asked.
"I did. I told the police but they didn't listen, so it was better just lying."
"Anyone else?"
"We told Patty, one of my mom's old friends and she gave us money to go to Florida and escape but...but my mom didn't make it. She was killed thirteen days before our flight."
"Oh, Claire, I am so sorry, come here."
I came over to her and she hugged me. A tear slid down my cheek just as if it were a raindrop on a car window.
I screwed up. My heart did. I just told Susanne secret things and I am terrified she is going to be next. I abruptly get out of my chair and go into my room. Nonononono! What did I do! I... I can't take back what I said and now Susanne might be in terrible danger.
Hey! My phone bleeps.
Ben, please help me.
What's the problem.
Ben.. I think Susanne is in terrible danger. Please, I don't know what to do.
Claire, are you in danger? No, but I think Susanne is.
Claire, you are safe in that house. Nothing is going to happen.
I realize that Ben thinks I am paranoid and he is just trying to help. I thank him for that but I am really scared right now. I need to relax so I throw myself on the bed.
"Claire! Help me!" screams Susanne from the kitchen.
A cold shiver goes down my body as I hear the sound of a knife stabbing against skin.
I race to open my door and I hit my head with the door hard. I fall onto the ground clutching my head.
"Claire, are you okay?" Susanne asks frantically.
"What just happened?" I ask a bit dazed.
"You ran into my door with your eyes closed. I think you were sleep walking."
"Oh," I replay the event and realize that I was just dreaming. I had fallen asleep when I threw myself on the bed. I don't even remember falling asleep.
"I'm so sorry," I say.
"It's fine, here let me help you up," she helps me get back up and smiles. Susanne is okay and I almost just had a heart attack thinking she was being murdered. I hate how dreams can feel so real. I hate it. It's not fair to have something like this, I feel so excluded from the world because sometimes I can't decipher what is real nor what is not real. What if all of this is not real? What if nothing of this is happening and it's all just one big illusion I am having. What would I do?