A/N: Edit in the sidebar and the song for my inspiration for the chapter
...“I-I couldn’t do it. I wanted to... but I couldn’t.”
I didn’t respond, I had no idea what he was talking about.
“Louis told me it was okay, he said that I should. I danced with her. She tried to kiss me but I-I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it... I- She-She wasn’t you. I feel wrong even thinking about someone else, Cassie. So wrong.” There was a raw edge to his voice and I knew with heart shattering certainty that he was crying. I’d never thought that I’d see him cry and the fact that I was the one that pushed him to it nearly killed me.
“How could you do it?” His voice broke and I could feel the hot tears slipping into my hair. My own flooded my eyes and I held onto him tighter, afraid that if I let go even for a second he would disappear, “It hurts, Cassie. It hurts.”
“I-I’m so sorry, Harry,” I sobbed over and over again, my tears soaking his shirt as they streamed freely down my cheeks.
Tell him, Cassie, the voice in my head insisted, Tell him you selfish bitch.
“Harry,” I whispered, praying to god for my own narcissistic needs that he was too drunk to remember this in the morning, “I-I need to tell you something.”
Cassie’s POV:
I knew that we shouldn’t be having this conversation now. It was wrong and I was only doing it to make myself feel better. Christ, I was so f.ucking selfish. I should have told him in the very beginning. I shouldn’t have waited until he was drunk off of his ass and lying vulnerable in my bed. Hell, I shouldn’t even have to tell him. I shouldn’t have brought him into this. I had no right to force him to deal with Adrien’s sadistic bullshit. I told myself that I was strong, that I could deal with this on my own but I was f.ucking wrong. I couldn’t deal with this. How am I ever supposed to break free when every time there is even the slightest bit of danger I go sprinting back. It was like I’d sold my soul to the devil. Running obviously wasn’t working. He’d always be lurking in some dark corner.
“Shit,” I mumbled, burring my face deeper into his neck.
I’d been to see a psychiatrist a month or so after I was released from the hospital, he’d spouted out all of this bullshit about “facing my problems head on” and using my “sword of truth and justice to rectify my problems and deduce right from wrong”. The guy needed to see a f.ucking Shrink himself. Did I look like a damn comic book hero? Had I forgotten to leave my spandex and cape at home? Jesus Christ. Honestly, I probably needed more therapy after that first visit. My mother swore he came highly recommended.... bull-f.ucking-shit. I never thought that I’d ever, and I mean ever, even think of using one bit of that madman’s “advice”, but yet here I was, psyching myself up to “face my problems head on”, wielding my "sword of truth and justice". F.uck me.
Quit hiding, you whimp. Put on your big girl panties and just f.ucking deal with it.
Sucking in a deep breath, I pulled away from the inebriated boy, curling in on myself, tucking my knees up to my chest and resting my back against the wall. He grunted, eyes lazily fluttering open to glare at me.
“Cold,” he slurred, beckoning me back with the curl of one wobbling index finger.
I shook my head, throwing him one of his sweatshirts from the foot of my bed, “I want that back,” I muttered. My kleptomaniac tendencies had been emerging lately and I may or may not have been stashing away bits of his wardrobe. The kid had phenomenal taste. The faded Aerosmith hoodie fit him snugly which meant it was a a freaking circus tent on me. I loved it.
He pouted before pulling the worn fabric over his head. As soon as his glazed forest eyes emerged, peering back in my general direction, he gestured clumsily, yet again, for me to move back to him.
“No, I-I need to tell you something,” I whispered, ducking my head and watching him carefully through my lashes.
“Sleep first.” He sounded like a child, teetering on the edge of consciousness. My heart broke at the innocent expression in his confused and tired eyes. I’d already put him through so much, more than he’d ever deserve. Where were Harry Potter and his f.ucking Dementors when you needed them? I’d gladly give up my soul if it meant I wouldn’t be tainting his.
“Harry, please I-,” My voice cracked slightly at the end. His eyes snapped up to mine, clearing away a bit of the fog lurking in their depths, “Christ, I can’t do this.” I whimpered, wrapping my arms around my knees, hiding behind my dark curtain of hair.
“Angel,” he hummed. I tracked his shadow in the dim light filtering in through the curtains and flinched away as he reached out for me.
“No, please... I-You’ll hate me...”
“I could never hate you.” I snapped my tear filled green gaze back up to his. The sincerity there ripped me to the core.
“Oh my f.ucking god, you’re going to hate me.” I hadn’t even managed to tell him anything and the panic attacks were already beginning to set in. There was no goddamn way I was going to be able to do this. I could hear him trying to reassure me, promising me everything that I never have and never will deserve. I needed to tell him. I needed him to understand how f.ucked up and damaged I was. He deserved so much better than me.
You can do this, Cassie. Please, you have to do this. No more lies.
"I-... It-it was Him," I stuttered, choking on the weak gasping breaths filling my suffocating lungs. Black and red swam through my vision as I struggled to control the raging panic attack.
"Who was, Angel?" He cooed, reaching out to brush away the tears sliding down my cheeks. Once again, I flinched away and the hurt and betrayal already shining bright in his jade eyes magnified.
"I-I tried, Harry. I really tried, I promise! He just... He won't leave me alone! I moved across the f.ucking ocean..."
"Who, Cassie? Who?" He reached forward and cupped my face gently in his palms, forcing me to meet his gaze.
'Cassie, we all have demons in our past, you just have to fight through them.'
'Take up your sword of truth and justice. There's not a problem in the world that it can't overcome.'
'You have to confront your problems head on, Cassie, running from them will only make them worse.'
Even after all of those visits and the counseling I'd never been able to tell a soul about what happened to me. No one knew the true cause of the bruises and the scars. I'd thought that it would make it easier, that way I could pretend that nothing had happened. I was wrong.
Deep breaths, Cass, you can do this.
"Adrien." The word slipped out on a tiny breath of air but it was like a 5-ton weight had been lifted and the entire nightmare slipped free. Harry's went rigid beside me as I curled in on myself, the heavy sobs distorting the desperate words pouring from my mouth but somehow he managed to understand.
"I-... It was Adrien," I breathed a foreign sense of relief slowly began to flood my body. I'd did it. I finally told him.
"What?" He looked even more confused than before but now anger simmered in those malachite orbs, darkening them so that they almost were almost indiscernible from his dilated pupils.
"He-he followed me. I didn't know what to do." I could feel myself slipping of into that far away place, the past two years of my life blazing through my memory.
"I-... We met freshman year back in North Carolina. H-He was playing soccer, a junior transfer from a smaller school in California. He didn't have to say two words to me and I was already done." Realization slowly dawned on him, his features hardening through their alcohol-induced haze.
"Everything was perfect for a while. He... I was practically living with Him. He was my first kiss and... I-I loved Him. He was my world," I whispered, hot, anger filled tears flooded my eyes, my nails digging forcefully into my knees as I struggled to remain in control of the memories. I could practically feel the hurt sliding off of him in waves though it was tainted by barely contained fury.
"What happened?" He hissed, his own hands balling into tight fists at his sides.
A hysterical giggle burst from my lips as I wiped at my tear streaked cheeks, "Christ, I wish I knew. What a f.ucking question." Raking one trembling hand through my tangled hair, I struggled to find the words to say, the words that could express just how f.ucked up everything had left me.
"I never noticed a change, it was all so gradual. I...we'd been together five months when it started. He started to come home later and angrier. I was worried. He constantly reeked of alcohol and cigarettes. Whenever I tried to ask Him about it He-... He'd start yelling. One night... I guess I just pushed too much. He-...He was so drunk. I just wanted to know where he'd been and how He'd gotten home..." I trailed off the memories of that first night... I hated to access them. It was far from the worst of his physical blows but the emotional trauma had been extensive.
*Begin Flashback*
Jingling. Something was messing with the lock. Groggily, I pushed myself up from where I'd been asleep on the apartment's sofa. Adrien had called earlier saying that the team was going out to celebrate after the game and that He'd be home by midnight.
Scrubbing my palms across my tired eyes, I looked at the clock. 3:34 A.M.
Keys hit the floor and angry cursing came in muffled through the still locked door. Sighing, I made my way over to the door, turning the lock, opening it to reveal the frustrated boy.
"Took you f.ucking long enough," He growled, not even bothering to retrieve His keys before shoving past me into the apartment, swaying dramatically on His feet.
"I was asleep," I murmured, a silent plea shining through my eyes as I scooped up His keys and locked the door behind Him. It was immediately obvious that He was in one of His more volatile states. His mood swings were worsening, their frequency increasing. It was hard for me to keep up anymore, I felt like I was constantly dancing on the ledge of love and fury. It was such a precarious slope. I knew I'd never recover if I ever took the plunge.
"What the f.uck are you even doing up?" I shrank away from His angry tone.
"I was worried about you." Giving Him a wide berth, I maneuvered around the small apartment, filling Him a large glass of water.
"Drink this please," I knew that if He didn't He would have a splitting migraine in the morning and I really didn't want to deal with the attitude that would cause. He ignored me and the words tumbled out before I could even think to stop them, "Where were you? You promised you'd be home by 12:00."
"F.uck off, Mom," He growled, rolling His eyes before stalking back towards our bedroom. He'd finally convinced me to move in and He kept pushing sex. I tried to tell Him that I wasn't ready but He was getting impatient.
The annoying little voice in my head warned me away but I didn't listen. Throwing caution aside, I followed Him deeper into our shared space.
"I was worried about you," I continued, my own anger beginning to surface as I struggled to repress it. He would view my frustrated concern as a challenge and things would spiral out of control, "I had no idea where you were or if you were alright."
"I-I tried calling but every time it went straight to voicemail."
"Ever thought that just maybe there was a reason for that?" He sneered, golden eyes blazing back at me as I cautiously pulled back the bedding.
"Just one text, Adrien, one freaking text telling me that you're alive and would be home later. That's really not a lot to ask!" I was losing control and I could sense His own was rapidly deteriorating.
"What the f.uck is your problem, Cassie? You were never this goddamn needy before! We may be living together but were not f.ucking married! Quit treating me like I'm pussy whipped when I haven't even been allowed near it!" I flushed bright red in both embarrassment and anger at His harsh words. He'd agreed to wait with me and yet he was all but forcing Himself down my throat every chance He got.
"You came home four hours late! Excuse me for worrying that the guy I love could be dead in a ditch somewhere! All I'm asking for is a f.ucking text message!"
"We'll obviously I'm doing brilliantly so you can go ahead and calm the f.uck down!"
"Don't tell me to calm down, Adrien! I thought that something had happened to you!"
"Christ, just shut up and go to bed," He growled, yanking the dark gre t-shirt over His head.
I was almost fearful to ask but I knew I had to anyway, "How did you even get home?"
"Well I wasn't going to walk seven f.ucking miles if that's what you're asking," he ground out, venom lacing his tone. He knew what I was getting at and that I wouldn't like the answer.
"You drove? You f.ucking drove? Do you have a death wish?" I shrieked, impulsively catapulting one of the smaller throw pillows at Him. (I couldn't help it. A month before I left for college my mother’s best friend had died in a drunk driving accident. I knew that Adrien refused to ask for help and He was too stubborn to spend money on a cab. His tendency to drive home from the bar was the main cause of most of our more recent arguments.) Even in His inebriated state He managed to easily dodge it, rage consumed, golden eyes flaring. Terror surged through me as I saw the last restraint snap, a demon replacing the boy in front of me.
"I-I'm sorry," I whimpered, taking two fumbling steps backward for every one of His furious paces forward. I whimpered silently as my back hit the wall, bumping into His desk as I struggled to edge farther away. I jolted at the lightning fast strike of His hands against the wall on either side of my head. The resounding thwack echoing thought the otherwise silent apartment. He'd never hit me before but right now He was dangerously close. Horror washed through me as I realized how easy it would be for Him right now. He wasn't Himself.
"Don't. Ever. F.ucking. Do. That. Again." Each word was heavy and concise. The obvious threat behind them shook me to the core. I bit down violently on my lip, not caring if I drew blood. Something was warning me that voicing my fear would only egg him on.
"Who the f.uck do you think you are?" He snarled, his usually soothing baritone menacing and animalistic, "You," he snatched my chin roughly in one calloused hand, his grip pressing my cheeks into my teeth. I tasted iron and tears threatened to flood my eyes, "are just an insecure f.ucking child and you're wasting my goddamn time."
I knew that his iron grip would leave bruises on the delicate skin but they were nothing in comparison to the vicious wound he'd inflicted upon my heart.
"Get the f.uck out," he glowered at me, releasing my throbbing face.
"Where am I supposed to go?" I whispered, slipping into a tattered, exhausted heap on the floor.
"I don't care."
*End Flashback*
"He apologized the next morning with a single, red rose. It was always the same. There we're always so many. I could smell them on me no matter how much I showered," I whimpered, trailing off. To this day I couldn't stand the scent of roses. I instantly became sick, the sheer mention of the once precious flower twisted my stomach.
"I-I don't know why or...or how but every time, every goddamn time I took Him back. I was trapped. I loved Him and He knew it. He won't let me go, Harry. I... I never should have brought you into this," I whispered, telegraphing tidal waves of regret and shame towards the innocent curly haired boy with my eyes. I could see the hell bent rage burning deep inside his forest orbs but that was the only indication that he'd heard a word I'd said. He'd been silent the entire time.
"I-I'm so sorry," I cried, my voice breaking, "I know th-that I should have told you sooner, but He-... He threatened you. I couldn't let Him hurt you. I need you. I shouldn't and I don't want to but I do. You don't deserve to be brought into this..." I trailed off, curling further into myself, hiding my face behind my knees and the curtain of my hair.
"That day, in the cafe," his deep voice was stoic and emotionless. I fought down the shudder that was steadily creeping its way up my spine, "you tried to tell me."
It wasn't phrased as a question and yet I knew that he was waiting on my response. Slowly, I nodded my head, still refusing to meet his eyes.
"Was that the first time? The first time you saw Him... After I mean?"
"In person, yes," I mumbled pathetically. I hadn't told him of the almost religious phone calls and I doubted he remembered the interview.
"Explain."
I sighed; he wasn't going to let it go. Grudgingly, I regretted giving him the water earlier. I should have keep feeding his sorry ass shots. Harry was sobering up and now he was asking questions I wasn't sure I was ready to answer.
Quit acting like a little bitch and give the boy some answers. You owe him.
"I-I don't know how He got my new number but H-He's been trying to call me for over three months now. I've been ignoring Him, up until a month and a half ago I thought that He was still in North Carolina." I sucked in a ragged breath, darting my eyes up to look at him. His jaw was locked, the muscles ticking and I knew he was struggling with the urge to just get the f.uck out. A sharp pang echoed in my chest at the prospect of losing the only thing that had managed to put me back together.
"I-I didn't know He was here until the interview," this time his burning gaze swiveled back to meet mine from where it had been boring vicious holes into the brick of the outer walls to our flat.
"Which interview?"
"It was right after we met. Y-you told everyone we were in a relationship and He asked how we met," recognition flashed in his eyes and I observed the far away look as he sifted through the memory of that day. I'd missed the last hour of the interview while Gwen had tried to calm me down.
"And the cafe?"
"I'd like to believe that it was coincidence but that's never the case with him," I mumbled, pulling my long hair back around my left shoulder with trembling hands.
"I never should have let that bastard near you," he growled loudly, causing me to jump from his sudden outburst. It was several moments of tense silence before he spoke again, "Why the f.uck didn't you ever tell the police?"
"I-I didn't know how to. It was my fault. I mean, I pushed him to it. I knew what I was doing and yet I just kept pushing. It was my fault. I f.ucked everything up and I still am. I brought you into this. You could get hurt because of me,” I broke off, terror stricken sobs catching in my throat. Adrien would kill him if He found out I told him. Icy abhorrence clutched at my heart as I realized that I’d just made everything ten times worse.
“It’s all my fault,” I felt the world tilt but I didn’t care. I didn’t care as I slid further down the wall until my head was lateral on the duvet, crushing my lids shut. I didn’t care how broken I looked; I felt broken. I didn’t care if I ever opened my eyes again. I’d lost the one solid , positive aspect of my life and it was all my fault. I was the one who kept letting Adrien back into my life. I wasn’t strong. I was weak, so goddamn weak. I’d hurt Harry. I let Adrien back into my life. He hadn’t forced His way back in so much as I’d let Him. I’d been the one to go with Him up to His apartment. I’d been the one who had given in and consented to staying. I’d let Him into my home and I’d let Him drive a f.ucking eighteen-wheeler between Harry and I.
“It’s all my fault.” The words just kept slipping out over and over. I felt the bed shift underneath me as a significant weight disappeared and I choked on the strangled, heart-wrenching sob. I shouldn’t be allowed to feel alone and betrayed. I deserved this. I’d earned my own f.ucking mansion in hell. Now it was time for me to go and live there, my personal golden-eyed devil holding the only key.
I knew that this was right. He should leave. I had no right to wish for him to stay but that didn’t stop the hurt. I needed him. He was the only one that could make sense of the tattered shreds that my heart had been torn into. He kept me together. Without him I would slip away. If I knew all of these things, then why did it hurt so goddamn bad? Why was letting him go like giving up a part of my soul?
Gasping in short labored breaths, I clutched my arms tighter around my chest, doing anything and everything to sooth the agonizing emptiness radiating the black hole that now replaced my heart. Every muscle in my both was straining and quaking from the sheer effort of struggling to hold myself together physically. That’s why when the mattress dipped yet again, I didn’t notice. It wasn’t until the familiar melodic strains assaulted my pain-deafened ears that a familiar warmth began to radiate throughout my entire body.
Dear Lamb of mine, find sleep and peace in dreams,
I’m here, my dear, I swear I’ll never leave; ...
Strong arms wrapped securely around my waist, unwinding the rigid tension as I drifted into a blessedly dreamless sleep.
***
The next morning I woke with a sense of peace that I wasn’t sure I’d ever felt before. It was so surreal I fought against the nightmare that I knew lurked in consciousness with everything I had. I wasn’t ready to wake up and face the world. Not yet. I’d finally stolen a little piece of heaven and I wasn’t ready to give it up. I didn’t know how to describe it. I don’t think that anything ever really could it just... it just felt right.
Reality refused.
Brilliant light blinded me from behind my closed lids and I swore that I’d closed them the last night. Oh my god. Last night. Harry. Last night. Adrien. Last night.
Groaning out a mixture of regret and heartbreak I shifted in my warm bed, moving to pull the duvet back up over my head and hide from the world for even a little while longer. I gasped as a sudden pressure tightened around my waist. Fear trickled into my mind. The last time I’d woken up like this Adrien had been next to me. I kept waiting for the terror and the claustrophobia to kick in but they never came. Instead that same ethereal peace settled inside of me. I hated to question the first bit of tranquility I’d found in weeks but I couldn’t make sense of it and it was driving my prying mind to the point of insanity.
Doing my best to create as few disturbances as possible I shifted in the strange embrace, squirming so that I was laying on my opposite side. A startled squeak escaped me as I came face to face with what had to have been the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen in my life. Dark chocolate curls were splayed out across my pale lavender sheets, his eyes scrunched closed, lips pursed, the prominent dimple in his left cheek jumping out at me.
Smiling softly, I allowed myself to indulge in just a bit more of my stolen moments with the Angel I’d kidnapped, reaching out to trace the tip of my finger along the curve of his full lips. Immediately, he relaxed under my touch, his face falling into an almost cherubic innocence. The second I stopped though he tensed again, nuzzling closer to my until I had no choice but to resume my previous actions.
I don’t know how long I sat there, staring at his sleeping form. I was entranced. Small sparks danced across my skin everywhere we touched and I couldn’t deny my wandering hands the guilty pleasure of exploring down the panes of his naked, ink covered chest. For the briefest moment the image of me running my tongue along all of the expert lines and elegant script covering his tanned skin entered my mind, my entire body heating with the idea. My body cried out for his touch and I wanted nothing more than to give in but my conscious kept me at bay. Instead all I could do was trail the tips of my fingers along the living art before me, my mind wandering to darker memories.
How much would Harry remember of last night? How much did I want him to remember? I’d finally found the courage to face a few of my demons, but that small act of bravery had been fueled by the fleeting prayer that all of the alcohol the sleeping angel had ingested would aid in momentary amnesia. Was I ready to face the obvious disappointment that I could already envision shining deep within those malachite depths?
“If you keep doing that, you’ll have to deal with the consequences,” his gruff morning voice rasped. I jolted, ripped from the shadows of my subconscious.
“Wha-what?” I stammered, my heart racing as he’d yet to open his eyes. When he did they met mine for several long moments before traveling the length of my body, stopping where my hand had paused in the exploration of his anatomy. I’d been too distracted to realize how far into dangerous territory I’d strayed. In his sleep, Harry’s charcoal sweats had slipped even further down on his hips than usual, displaying far more of his prominent v-line than I was in any condition to see. He didn’t make a move to remove my hand and neither did I. Malachite eyes slowly slid up to meet my own and the conviction there ripped into me.
He remembered everything.
“I’m so-,” I began, tears already welling in my eyes. Before I could finish full lips descended upon my own in a furious kiss. Hurt, guilt, understanding, passion and love somehow all managed to flow between us through every facet of our linked bodies. I felt like I was drowning as the floodgates of emotion were suddenly thrown open between us. I’d never felt anything this intense before. I wanted more... No. I needed more. From somewhere far away I felt my body mold itself to Harry’s drinking all of him in. I was a live wire and electricity sparked between us, fueling the desire that I felt coursing through my own body and was blatantly obvious in the rather insistent pressure against my upper thigh.
After what could have been either an eternity or nothing more than the briefest of moments, Harry’s lips left mine to trail scorching fire down my neck and across my collarbones. His mouth latched onto the hyper-sensitized flesh in the hollow of my throat. I shuddered as his deep rasp vibrated against the tender flesh.
“Do you trust me?” I blinked, suddenly lost within the ever-expanding forests deep within his darkening gaze.
“Always.”
A/N: Well now, how was that? This chapter was so hard to write. I've literally been staring at my Mac all week with absolutely no idea how to explain everything between Cassie and Adrien to Harry. Nothing is perfect yet, though, so please be patient. They still have a lot of issues to work through.
The next several updates will most likely be harder to get to. I am moving into my Dorm in NC on Monday and I start volleyball practice almost immediately. We have 2 a days the first week and then classes start. Writing will get really hard but I will try to update as often as possible! Please just be patient with me! I love you all so much!
Please continue to comment/vote/ and share. Y'all's support means the world! I love y'all with all fo my heart!
Now if y'all will excuse me I am currently opperatng on less than four hours of sleep and I have to be up for a run in the morning. Yippee.....
NaNite!!!!!
♡Elle