Twenty-Six
I feel completely free.
Though my face is still swollen from crying and tears still linger in the depths of my eyes, as I skip down the steps of the coffee shop, a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Everything seems better. Everything is clear.
Instead of clouds looming over my plans to visit the graveyard and Cade’s resting place, the sun shines down warmly, but the breeze is still very cool. My hair flies around me crazy, criss-crossing and becoming tangled the closer I get to my destination.
With the photographs tucked safely in my pocket and along with the box I keep feeling to see if it’s still real, I left Cade’s mother with one of the biggest, most meaningful hugs I’ve ever given. We promised to keep in contact, and I know that I’ll be waiting expectantly for her call.
The graveyard seems familiar, but in the way where I’ve felt like I’ve seen it before in a movie, or through someone else’s eyes. As I walk up the path and through the black pointed gates, I know where I’m going despite only being here once before. Or at least, I think I’ve been here once before. That whole part of my life seems like it’s foreign to me now.
The trees that surround the headstones are pretty and I weave through them with watching eyes as the stone path takes me to my destination. A day I dreaded so much, one that I had never even considered doing, is here. And instead of being unhappy or worried or even depressed, I’m content. I smile as I pass all the graves and bushes. This is no longer an unhappy place.
When I reach him, my breath catches.
I expected some kind of emotion to stir within me when I saw it, a mix of sadness and longing. But when I see the headstone, it is just that – a headstone.
As I walk towards it, I imagine him standing there, waiting for me like he always had. But when I reach him, I’m alone, and I crouch down to feel the headstones. I run my fingers along the engravings as if I had carved them myself. His name is written in script, along with the dates, loving son, friend and soul. I know the soul part is for me. Cade’s mother had told me so when she had it done.
“I miss you,” I murmur, still touching his name. It makes me feel connected to him, as if I’m really touching a part of him because the real him isn’t here. He’s six feet under; an empty shell that used to hold him.
The sun moves from behind a cloud and I have to tilt my head away and blink the spots from my eyes until I get used to it. When I turn back, the necklace makes a noise as it moves in my pocket.
“I don’t know how you could have possibly known,” I continue with a smile. “But I’m glad you did.”
Only one tear falls down my right cheek and I wipe it away, knowing it’s a different kind than before. Today has been a different day than before.
“I love you, Cade.” I slump down until I’m sitting in the grass, staring at his headstone. I hope he doesn’t mind that I’m technically sitting on top of him, but something tells me he wouldn’t. “I always will.” For a moment, I chew on my lip, debating on whether or not to say more. Whether to tell him about my life now. But if there is a heaven, and he is an angel, I know he’d already be watching me, and he already would know. “You would have loved Evan,” I say with more tears. I stare up at the clouds in the sky. “You two would have gotten along great. He’s sweet, just like you. Honestly, if I hadn’t known better, I could have sworn you were separated at birth.”
A butterfly flaps through the breeze and lands on a nearby dandelion. It flaps it white wings once, as if it’s watching me.
“If this is some kind of sign to show me you’re listening, you’re going to have to do better than that,” I laugh.
The butterfly instantly rises from its perch and flies away, out of sight.
“You were always one to huff away,” I mutter.
I lie back into the grass, letting my hair tangle with the blades. For a while I just lie with one hand above my head and my leg up, staring at the clouds. Time seems to stop completely, and despite the sky eventually darkening, I stay for as long as I can with a smile on my face.
My parents and Hadley are out when I return home, just before dinner time. Evan greets me at the door, as if expecting me, and tells me they went out to get pizza for us. They didn’t expect me to be gone so long but knew better than to rush me.
“How are you?” he asks, taking my hand as I step out of my shoes. He looks down at me as I move closer to him, showing him a smile. “Are you okay?”
“Perfect,” I reply honestly.
He brushes his thumb along my red cheek and leaves his hand cradling my head. “You’ve been crying.”
I cover his free hand with my own and nod. “But a good type of crying. The happy kind.”
He doesn’t say anymore, and I know he’s wondering what happened, but too good of a guy to say anything. I wonder how I ended up with two of the most perfect people in the world in my life, both who enjoy my company. He’s too good for me, I tell myself. He doesn’t pressure me to tell him what happened or even ask another question. If I was in his position, I would be all over the place by now.
I drop my hand and pull him towards the living room. “Come. I want to tell you what happened.”
I don’t know if I’ll share the same things with my parents and Hadley as I do with Evan, but with him, I feel like telling him everything is the right thing to do. Despite everything, I don’t want to leave anything out. He’s a part of my life now, even if I have to leave in a few short weeks.
We sit on the couch and I tell Evan as much as I can remember. I tell him about Cade’s mother, the crying, the bonding, the grave, talking to Cade, everything. By the time I’m done, I’m crying again, happy tears that seem to swallow up any remainders of sad ones. I don’t show him the pictures just yet, but I want to. The living room doesn’t seem right.
So I lead him up the staircase and into my messy room with the piles of tape and corners of ripped photographs. If he thinks it’s strange, he doesn’t say anything. Instead of sitting down, I stand in the middle of the room and pull out the photographs. Evan walks up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist, resting his chin on my shoulder so he can see. I show him both of them, and despite seeing me with another guy, laughing and looking so in love, he doesn’t seem upset. Instead, he seems the exact opposite. He seems happy.
“You’re so pretty,” he murmurs into my ear. He kisses my temple and then continues looking as I flip it over. When I don’t say anything and he’s silent, I look up at him, wondering what he’s thinking inside those eyes.
“Kiss for your thoughts?” I whisper.
He smiles down at me, plants a quick peck on my lips and looks back at the photograph, even though I’m still looking behind me to see him.
“He knew you better than you thought you did,” he says with a smile that looks half sad and half truthful.
I poke the corner of his mouth. “What’s this?”
He shrugs and loosens his grip so he can pull back a little. “What’s what?”
“You look unhappy,” I deadpan.
He looks away from me and back to the picture before returning my gaze again. “I’m just sad that he’s gone.”
More tears spring to my eyes and I set the pictures on my bed so I can grab his Evan’s head between both of my hands and tangle my fingers in his hair. Without warning, I plant a passionate kiss on his lips and pull back. He looks a little stunned, as if asking what was that for?
I run my finger along his cheek. “You said the perfect thing.”
When my parents and Hadley arrive, my dad calls up and I stick my head out of the door to tell them we’ll be down in a minute. They head into the kitchen without a second thought, knowing that Bam – the one they had before Cade’s passing – is on her way back and being alone with a boy in her room signifies only one thing.
They’re having an important talk.
“He bought me something,” I say, pulling the box out of my pocket, “before his passing.”
I hold onto the box and lift the lid, resting it gently on my bed next to the pictures of us. I show it to Evan and hold it in front of him, feeling the blush creep its way into my cheeks.
“Can you put it on me?” I ask.
He looks hesitant. “Are you sure that’s okay? I mean, that Cade would be okay with it?”
Without saying a word, I let him gingerly pick up both ends of the necklace, letting it dangle between us. I spin around to face the full length mirror and lift my hair up off the back of my neck, letting it tangle as loose wisps fall from my grasp.
“I think if he had to choose someone other than him,” I murmur honestly, “he would choose you.” I close my eyes and smile. “Yes, he definitely would choose you.”
He gently lays the metal anchor on the skin of my collar bone, his fingers gently moving the clasp. Goose bumps raise where his skin brushes mine, and when I open my eyes, I’m blushing again. It feels like this moment is lasting hours, days even, and I never want it to end. But eventually the clasp makes a little sound and the necklace lies limply against my skin. Evan’s hands brush my neck as he reaches for my own, moving them away so my hair can fall around my shoulders.
I stare at us in the mirror and smile. The necklace looks perfect, and so do we.