Dad lived in the same neighbourhood where we'd grown up.
The exact same house, if I'm to be specific.
Whenever we met up, we'd generally head out to a restaurant, a bar or a pub style joint. I always told him it was so he didn't have to cook, but the truth was, that I hated going back to that dank, dark, soulless house. Don't get me wrong, I'll never be ungrateful for all the sacrifices Pops made, but that house reminded me of everything I was aspiring to get away from. The place wasn't beneath me, I just hated to think he was still there. I offered to buy him an apartment, something within all the hustle and bustle, heck he could get take out for every meal and never get bored of the variety. That was something you just didn't get in the suburbs. But he stayed where he'd started out.
Sometimes I admired that about him, and sometimes it made me angry. I just felt like there was some potential he'd never reached and that he owed it to himself, but he seemed pretty happy. These days he worked as a fry cook in a diner. I paid off his mortgage years ago, he didn't have to work everyday of the week, but he kinda liked to. I got that. I wasn't much for mooching round the house, gardening and cleaning and cooking and shit. I needed to be out, the blood pumping through my veins. Today it kinda felt right, coming home. My brain was about as frayed as it'd ever been, and I felt this urge to smash my head into the steering wheel.
Again. Not an advisable reaction, but my blood pressure was still peaking, and the drive over had been hairy. I had road rage. Hell I just had rage building inside me, and I hate to admit that maybe some of that was directed my way. I'd been stupid enough not to use a rubber. I have fucking twenty in my wallet. Twenty fucking condoms, and now the thought of sex just made me think of Libby and Gavin screaming at one another from the back seat of Rusty's car. I imagined myself sitting on the train like the vacant father with his toddler, my kid running amok, my hair a not so fetching shade of grey.
And the woman. She tricked me. I'm sure that in some way she orchestrated the unfolding events, but I didn't know how or why, or whether I was being irrational in my current state of mind. This kid was my own social suicide. No woman wants to sleep with a guy who never sees his kids. Nobody wants to party with the man who fucked a girl in a cloak room and got her pregnant. I had a reputation, and not just the one I had regarding women. I was the king of client hospitality. People loved coming on vacation with me because I was as carefree as they came.
Well not any more.
In the space of an hour she had royally fucked up my head. And my life.
.................
My dad had the barbecue fired up and my grandmother sitting in a lawn chair. If I was unorthodox I got it from these guys. In her beige rain coat, Gran was busy with her puzzle book and my Dad waved me over, this little get together laid on for my benefit. I should have been more clear. I just wanted to talk to him but I should have known Gran would muscle in on the action. As soon as she saw me, she jumped from her chair with the agility of someone half her age, and crushed me in a hug. Seriously. The woman cannot be more than a hundred pounds but she hugs me like she can bench press my weight easily.
'I know you like your fancy pants restaurants.' Dad teased, 'and you've probably already eaten, but I got this meat from work, can ya believe they were gonna throw it all out?!
Gran tutted her dismay, and went back to her book. Dad was always finding ways to cut costs, as kids we'd spend hours in the queue at the grocery store while he whipped out a few hundred coupons.
'Huh.....look dad, I need to talk to you.....'
'So you said!' He whistled, going back to cooking, oblivious to the seriousness of what I was about to say.
'Dad it's important.'
He paused, and wiping his hands on the apron around his waist, he gestured towards the house. Once inside, I clicked the door closed, Granny none the wiser.
'You sound as if you're in trouble J, something about your tone.....'
'Thats because I am.' I couldn't hide shit from pops.
'I'm listening.' He leant against the back of the old brown suede couch, and searched my eyes with his. I didn't anticipate that actually vocalising what had happened, would be so damn hard. But saying it aloud, it somehow made it a whole lot worse. I'd put it out there, into the universe, and it would somehow be a whole lot more real. I really didn't have a choice in the matter, it was either tell him, or self destruct under the pressure. So I chose the former.
'I slept with a girl a few weeks ago and she's pregnant.' Simply put, I thought it wouldn't sound as scary. But it still scared the bejesus out of me. Even if I never met the kid, this would hang over me. A reminder that the fun I'd been having, had dire consequences, even though I pretty much overlooked that fact from the day I lost my virginity at fifteen years old.
Dad raised his eyebrows, and let out a low whistle. 'I'll be honest kid, I thought I'd have three hundred grand kids by now. This might feel like a kick in the nuts but it could be much worse. You're lucky you've had a run this long....'
'Lucky? Right now lucky is the last thing I feel. I feel like I've been singled out by the universe to carry some heavy burden for the rest of my days.'
'So this woman, she wants you involved?'
'No, no, she says she doesn't want anything from me. And the strange thing is, even though my mind is going crazy I do kinda believe her. I just don't know what to do with this....information.'
'You're okay with your kid never knowing you?'
I blinked at my dad.
'Okay okay, it's not like I don't know you. I know this isn't in the plan. I know you have a great life and kids are just annoying brats. I get that. I think it's good that you're so self assured. So driven.' He smiled, 'I think if you came here for advice, I'll agree with you. There's no way that you're ready to be a dad. Maybe you won't ever be ready, and that's fine. It's who you are.'
I looked at him warily. Now I didn't know if my own father was testing me. Did he think I was a douche for not manning up and taking some ownership over the situation?
'So you won't be disappointed in me? This is kinda huge, right? You're not gonna think I'm some prick who can't deal with what life throws at him?'
'J I was a kid when I had the responsibility of you and your sister. I took it all on because I couldn't bear the thought of my kids being out there somewhere, calling somebody else dad. Times were shitty, your Gran made sure I bore the brunt of the childcare when I was home. All my friends were out picking up girls and I was elbow deep in diapers.'
'Yeah, I guess I've thought about it before, but I've never really thought about it.....does that make sense? That you kinda sacrificed your whole life....'
'Nah, my life was different to yours, there wasn't any pressure on me, not in the way you have it. Round the clock phone calls and everyone relying on you to make the business run smoothly. I was just a small town guy with a small town job and lucky as hell to have my mother helping me out. I know you're older, but I don't want that for you.....this woman, she doesn't want your involvement, so maybe you just respect her wishes. Then again, maybe you don't.....'
'Kids aren't for me dad....you know that. I know that.'
Gran strode into the room at that moment, crossing her arms over her body. 'You wouldn't be a good dad, anyway.' She mused, raising her chin, 'Imagine, God forbid, you had a girl, and the poor kid growing up, knowing what kind of guy you are. You're probably right to steer clear of that situation.'
My dad nodded, and I was stunned. I had vaguely heard the rest, but her first sentence replayed over and over in my mind.
'Kids need strong, positive role models. Honey I love the bones of you but you're not father material.' She patted my arm affectionately. 'Your dad was right, you have a different life, and let's face it, you don't have the right skill set....'
'Hold up. You guys really think I'm that pathetic? That I couldn't look after a kid if I needed to? Is that what you think? I run a billion dollar business, I created the damn thing on my own, I'm the sole CEO.'
'Kids are a whole different ball game. If you think your job is difficult, if you think it's demanding, compared to a kid it's like a vacation!'
.................
I stayed for dinner, but I pushed my food around my plate, feeling decidedly worse off than when I arrived. This woman, I didn't even know her name, she'd suddenly become part of the furniture of my life. I was stupid to think she'd just disappear and not want a dime. Kids cost money, and if she didn't have family around her, what if it got too much and she left the kid on my doorstep? What then? I had responsibilities. Shit I actually cared about, things that meant something to me. All the hard years of toil I'd endured to get to where I was.
No more week long benders in Ibiza or Amsterdam.
I'd never been the kind to bury my head in the sand. But I did just that. For the next three weeks, I ignored calls from my Dad and Jen, Gran and Rusty. I slept at the office, becoming uber productive, but doing little else. Beret girl had left the number for a nearby coffee shop. I presumed she worked there, but having called the place numerous times, she was never there, and a guy with a thick Russian accent didn't seem to want to help me. I hired a private detective. So sue me! I wanted to know if this chick had ulterior motives. Whether she was some criminal kingpin trying to extort money out of me. He came back to me that morning with an address. And to reassure me she was just a twenty seven year old waitress.
So I did what I could to clear my mind. I hit the problem head on.
Parking my Porsche on the street and eyeing a homeless guy warily, I felt it best to give him all the change I had. That car was a little Christmas gift for myself, a little something to tempt the ladies and the clients in equal measures, in investing in me, in very different ways. I pressed the buzzer for apartment 24 but I got no answer. Luckily, a dishevelled looking middle aged woman was exiting at the same time, and I hurried past her, into the sorriest looking building I'd ever had the displeasure of entering. No doorman, no revolving door, no elevator, just grimy grey walls, the dirtiest floor I'd ever seen and graffiti all over the door leading to the stairs. I kinda wished I had wet wipes and I'm the least OCD guy you'll ever meet, because opening the door, I could only imagine what nasty germs lurked on the handle. The whole place reminded me of a documentary I'd seen about an ex USSR city, the apartment blocks were just like this. It really was the kind of place you see in movies, swarming with drug dealers and SWAT teams.
I climbed the staircase gingerly, sidestepping a dirty diaper and other random pieces of detritis. By the time I reached her door, I felt like I should have worn a mask, one of those types that Michael Jackson used to wear. After today I'd need a bath in bleach and a doctor. I could almost see the germs attacking me on a cellular level. By the weekend, I'd have a cold for sure. If not something far worse.
I heard shouting coming from inside the apartment, the low sound of a mans voice, and then beret girl butting in. The door was open a sliver so I pushed it a little more. No wonder she hadn't heard the buzzer, she was sparring with someone other than me, and she sounded pissed. Really pissed.
'Eddie I told you, I'll have the money by the end of the week. You know how it is right now! We're in a freakin recession, how was I to know that my boss would find any excuse to fire me?! Come on, I've lived here for four years. You know I'm good for it....'
'Kennedy I can't. I really can't. This isn't the first time....'
'I was paying for treatment for my sister! Eddie don't be such a heartless bastard!'
Eddie didn't reply, instead, he caught sight of me, eyeing me suspiciously, standing just inside the doorway.
'You owe this guy money too?' He pointed to me, narrowing his eyes at the girl
Her head snapped towards the door, and she gave me easily the most thunderous look I've ever seen. If she was pissed before, now I'd made things a whole lot worse.
'He's just a dirty scumbag.' She glared at me with venom, and turned back to Eddie. 'You win. Take back your apartment, happy?"
'You still owe me money Kennedy....'
'How much?' I spoke up, stepping towards the older guy wearing a faded baseball cap, jeans and a checked shirt. I figured I'd get this guy out of her hair, random acts of kindness and all that.
'Just go away.' Kennedy muttered, throwing articles of clothing into a cardboard box.
'How much?' I repeated, doling out my wallet and flicking through the notes. 'So she missed this months payment and what? Last months too?'
'Seven hundred.' Eddie held out his hand and I counted out the money.
'Dont you hand him a dime, Dean, this is my problem, I'll sort it out.'
Eddie snatched the money off me, starting for the door. He had his cash, and soon he'd have his apartment back.
Kennedy dropped the box and raised her voice.
'Didn't you hear me, ass hole? Or is your ego so huge you can't even hear past it?'