Song of the Chapter: "The World Is Ugly" by My Chemical Romance
*11:30 that same night*
Kellin's POV
It took me a few hours to get all the way across town. I didn't run the whole way, obviously. I eventually slowed to a walk, though my thoughts were still racing maddeningly. I then waited on Vic's front porch for a while longer, feeling the butterflies rush into my stomach every time a car passed by. I wasn't entirely sure what I was planning on saying to him, but I knew what the basis of it would be.
I love you.
When Vic's familiar car turned into the driveway, I stood up, my skinny jean-clad legs shaking violently. I half-feared that he was going to turn around and drive away as soon as he recognized me. It seemed to me that he parked his car in slow motion, pausing in between every motion, but it was probably just my nerves.
"What are you doing here?" Vic asked quietly, his voice slightly hoarse. I swallowed heavily, preparing myself for the very possible chance of rejection.
"I love you," I blurted out. Vic came over to me, and I could see tears shining in his eyes from the glow of the porch light.
"You know I love you, Kells," Vic told me, his fingertips caressing my cheek gently. My heart swelled at the words I'd been aching to hear.
"Can we be together again?" I pleaded softly. I'd never wanted to be the kind of guy who begged for someone to take him back, but Vic... Vic would be the exception to every rule I set for myself. He pulled his warm hand away from my face.
"I can't," he told me, his voice trembling with unshed tears.
"Please," I repeated breathily, reaching out and touching his forearm. Vic bit his lip, and I knew he was forcing himself to keep from crying.
"I can't, Kellin. I'm only going to hurt you more, and you deserve so much better than that," Vic choked out, his first tear falling.
"But we love each other, we can make it work," I insisted, squeezing his arm affectionately. He pushed my hand away reluctantly.
"I'm so sorry. I think you should go home," Vic whispered. I felt my heart cracking as he turned to the front door.
"I know about your HIV," I said, stopping Vic in his tracks. His back was to me, his front door wide open. The pause seemed to last an eternity.
"How?" Vic asked, his voice barely audible even in the quiet night.
"Jeremy told me. If that's the only reason you want to end this, then don't. I love you, Vic," I confessed boldly. Vic faced me again, tears streaming down his face. He wiped at his coffee-colored eyes in obvious embarrassment.
"Kellin, I'll never let you go. But... I'm disgusting. You'd be taking a huge risk every time we did anything sexual. I'm going to be sick all the time. I'm going to die, Kellin. I couldn't bear to abandon you that way," Vic explained, his voice heavy as he cried. I pulled him to me in a tight embrace, holding him as sobs wracked his body.
I realized that he was thinner than he had been when we started dating.
"If it doesn't work out, it doesn't. But I don't want something like this to ruin what could be the start of something beautiful," I told him softly, pressing a kiss to his damp cheek. Vic finally looked me straight in the eyes, his own full of sadness.
"Are you sure?" he confirmed quietly. I kissed his mouth then, and I could feel the puzzle pieces practically snap into place.
"Certain," I promised. Vic fearlessly kissed me back, and I knew that we would be okay eventually.
Vic's POV
I wondered if my father leaving turned out to do more good than harm. My mother's resentment had died out, and Kellin and Tony could actually be here. Kellin had stayed the night since he was here so late, and I was endlessly thankful that my mother hadn't turned into the new homophobic member of the family. Now that I had Kellin back, I never wanted to let him go.
"Wake up," I murmured in Kellin's ear, kissing his neck lightly. We were laying in my bed, me in pajamas and him in slightly too big clothes that he borrowed from me. He tried to twitch away from my kisses, and I wrapped my arms tighter around his midsection. I felt a headache already pulsating, but just seeing Kellin's bedhead made it lessen somehow.
"It's too early," he whined, burying his face in my chest. I kissed the top of his head gently. I clicked on my bedside lamp, wincing slightly as my migraine blossomed in the bright light.
"It's a school day," I reminded him in a soft voice, shutting my eyes to the harsh glare of the lamp. I laid back down, prepared to slip back into a painless sleep despite my own insistences. Mike slammed open my bedroom door obnoxiously, and I recoiled at the ear-splitting noise.
"Dude! We only have like twenty minutes until-" Mike exclaimed. I threw a pillow at him as hard as I could.
"Shut up!" I shouted, squeezing my temples and pressing my head into the remaining pillow. Mike hushes himself and backed out of the room, leaving me with a throbbing pain in my skull.
"Are you okay?" Kellin whispered, his soft hand gently touching my side. I breathed deeply, not opening my eyes. I felt the bed shift next to me, and a few minutes later Kellin was handing me an aspirin and a glass of tap water.
"You're the sweetest," I murmured, pecking his lips as the medicine began to do its job. I took my everyday pill in addition to the painkiller with the water. Kellin smiled shyly at me.
"I told you I'll always be here for you."
---
"-was screaming and breaking shit, and he scared his little sister really bad, so she called the police," Jesse was informing us once we'd gotten to school. Kellin had briefly filled me in earlier and the others just now on the escapade with Justin yesterday afternoon, and apparently Justin had completely lost it when Kellin left. His kid sister found him sobbing hysterically in the wreckage of their living room; his doctors found out that he hadn't been taking his pills.
"I feel kind of bad," Kellin said regretfully. Tony shook his head adamantly.
"You shouldn't. Even if he hadn't flipped out on you, he would've on someone else," Tony pointed out. Kellin still looked uncomfortable; I wrapped an arm around his waist tenderly, touching the skin below the hemline of his t-shirt with my fingertips. Kellin smiled sweetly at me, leaning into me slightly. Our friends were unfazed by the revelation that we had gotten back together; Jaime insisted that he knew we would all along.
"Ew, I wouldn't touch him if I were you!" Jeremy called out to Kellin loudly. I went to pull my arm away from my boyfriend, but Kellin placed a hand over it to hold me there.
"Disgusting," Beau proclaimed to Jeremy and their posse of athletic followers.
"Fuck you, Beau," Kellin said calmly. The group seemed stunned that shy, innocent Kellin challenged them. Suddenly, the entire hallway around us became quieter.
"What did you just say to me, fag?" Beau demanded, towering over Kellin's petite frame menacingly. Kellin squeezed my hand tightly.
"I said, fuck you. And don't stand to close to us; you might catch the gay plague and Jeremy'll have to give it to you up the ass," Kellin stated boldly, spitting in Beau's face just like Beau had done to him weeks ago. With that, Kellin turned on his heel and walked away. Our groups parted, Beau frantically wiping the "gay" saliva off his face.
"Jesus, Kellin, where did those balls come from?" Jesse asked in amazement once we were out of earshot of the football players. Kellin blushed, shrugging his shoulders.
"He pisses me off. Though I guess Jeremy and Beau did do us a favor in the long run," Kellin mused aloud. I considered this; maybe if Beau hadn't told everyone about my HIV, Kellin and I never would've gotten back together.
"Maybe so," I agreed. I felt a bit of a weird feeling deep in my stomach as we walked down the hallway, and not just the typical nausea. People were staring openly at Kellin and I now, flashing repulsed looks at my hand on his hip.
"Can I talk to you for a second?" I requested, tugging Kellin into the closest bathroom; ironically the same one we'd fooled around in not too long ago. Kellin locked the stall door behind us, glancing at me curiously.
"Sure, what is it?" he inquired, never letting go of my hand. Kellin was almost breaking my wrist, like he was afraid I would run away if he let go. I never wanted to do that again, but I couldn't help but feel like Kellin deserved more. I sighed with malcontent.
"Are you sure this is what you want?" I questioned, my voice barely above a whisper. Without warning, Kellin passionately pressed his lips to mine. We kissed beautifully, tender but without insinuation, for what felt like years but was probably just a few minutes.
"You will always be what I want," Kellin promised once we broke from our kiss.
"You say that, but... we'll never have the same relationship we had before," I pointed out. Kellin shrugged again.
"We could someday, as long as we're careful. Or if you don't want to, we don't have to. Sex isn't everything. It's just like what you told me when we were first together in that way: I want you for more than that," Kellin explained. I was still uncertain. I didn't want to drag him down my path of disease and death with me. It would be painful enough for me, and Kellin was too sweet and fragile for me to want to hurt him that way.
"Kells... all those kids in the hallway calling me disgusting are right. For the rest of my life I'm going to be nothing more than sick and disgusting. I love you more than anything, you know that, but do you really want to have to deal with this?" I asked, melancholy heavy in my voice. Kellin held my hand tighter, kissing my mouth softly.
"Spending time with you is never going to be 'dealing' with you, babe. I love you too, and I'll do whatever it takes to make you believe that forever. The kids in the hallway are wrong. Yes, you might be sick. But you will never, ever, be disgusting."
*Time Lapse: Three Years*
"Vic! Come up here for a minute!" Kellin yelled from our bedroom. I groaned, checking my watch in frustration.
"We have to be there in an hour, Kells! I'm the best man, I have to be there early!" I shouted back. Today was Mike and Tony's wedding, and I wanted to be there to make sure everything was running smoothly. Tony had been ridiculously nervous through all the planning, and it was my and Jaime's responsibility to make certain that everything was perfect.
"Just for a minute!" Kellin insisted. I reluctantly obeyed, running up the stairs in my sleek black dress shoes. Kellin and I hadn't even broken up once since our senior year of high school. We'd had small spats, but only about typical relationship things. Everything was almost perfect.
My HIV had become a part of our daily lives. Stop by the pharmacy on the third Monday of every month. Put aspirin on the grocery list. Weigh myself daily in case of fluctuations. Schedule regular check-ups with Dr. Mullins. Kellin had been amazingly supportive about the whole thing, putting up with my vomiting and ensuring that I was eating enough and reminding me about my doctor's appointments.
He was incredible, and the sight of him still took my breath away.
"Do I look okay?" Kellin asked worriedly when I entered the bedroom we shared. He was eyeing himself warily in the mirror, adjusting his suit pants anxiously. I came around behind him, wrapping my arms around his tiny waist, kissing his neck lightly.
"You look perfect," I assured him, my lips still brushing over his pale skin. Kellin turned around and accepted my kiss, our tongues playing gently.
"I love you," I whispered when we broke the kiss. Kellin's forehead rested against mine, his eyes closed as he returned the sentiment. We kissed again, deeply, and he said the words.
"I want to," he mumbled suddenly. I stepped back from him in alarm.
"Kells, you know how risky it is to-" I began to argue.
"Exactly. I know the risks, and I don't care. We'll be safe. I want to be with you in that way again so badly," Kellin pleaded, pressing kisses to my mouth as he spoke. I was somewhat reluctant still, but Dr. Mullins had told me almost two years ago that sex would be okay if we were safe. I'd always just been too worried about Kellin.
"Are you sure?" I confirmed quietly. Kellin nodded quickly, tugging at my arm with need. After years of restraining myself to protect him, I gave in to his desire. We stripped off our neat suits, leaving them in a wrinkled pile on the floor. I pushed Kellin back gently by the shoulders, and he sat down on our bed willingly.
"You're certain?" I check again as I pulled his boxers down, stroking his already rock hard erection.
"Yes, yes," Kellin begged, connecting our lips and stifling a soft moan as I pleasured him. He did the same for me, our wrists moving slowly in time with each other.
"Do we have stuff anywhere?" I asked after our few minutes of foreplay. Kellin sighed as I let go of him, and pointed to the nightstand.
"Should still be there," he informed me. I produced the supplies from the drawer and coated my fingers in lube. It had been years since Kellin and I had had actual sex, and he'd need the prep. I prepped him agonizingly slowly, brushing my fingers against his prostate so lightly he was almost bucking his hips up for more.
"Please, Vic, please," Kellin groaned, biting his lip as I finger-fucked him teasingly. I rolled a condom onto myself and applied the lube, positioning myself at Kellin's entrance.
"I love you," I whispered, kissing his lips as I moved my hips to slide into him slowly. We both sighed in the pleasure of the sensation so long denied. I kept a gently pace, punctuating my rhythmic thrusts with soft kisses.
"Faster, please, I need it so bad," Kellin pleaded, and I obeyed. The sounds of our thighs slapping together and our grunts and moans were the only noises in our peaceful bedroom. I reached down and grasped Kellin's member in my hand, pumping him as I felt my own orgasm building.
"Oh god, Kellin!" I cried out as I came, biting down on his neck lightly. Moments after, Kellin was groaning and releasing onto his stomach. I pulled out of him carefully, throwing the condom away. Kellin cleaned himself off with a handful of tissues.
"We really are going to be late now," I commented, moving to stand up and dress myself again. Kellin grabbed my hand and pulled me back onto the bed with him.
"In a minute," Kellin said, cuddling into my chest. I wrapped my arms around him tenderly, placing a sweet kiss on his forehead.
"You're so beautiful," I told him, holding Kellin closer to me still. He rested his head in the crook of my neck and within moments, his tired-out body was breathing steadily beside me. I knew I'd have to wake him soon so we could leave, but it didn't matter right now.
He is my world.
[a/n DO NOT DELETE THIS FROM YOUR LIBRARY THERE WILL BE AN OFFICIAL EPILOGUE UPLOADED TOMORROW OR THE DAY AFTER]