A/N-Wow...just wow. You guys have really been eating up this story! I'm so happy right now you guys cannot fathom how I feel. Sadly however, there's still more angst to be written. Sorry not sorry ;) But remember to keep commenting and favoring the story, and if you have any fan art of your favorite scenes or questions for me, just hit up my Tumblr! I love you all and thanks so much for over 14k reads and over 1k of votes! So without further waiting, here's chapter 24, Happy Reading!-Zenovia
Chapter 24
Armin's POV
Darkness is something to be expected out of the world. Everything good can easily be overshadowed by our fears, anxieties, and actions. Darkness swallows up any hope that we have left inside of our bodies, until we're just a shell of nothingness.
Darkness was the first thing I saw.
Soon after Eren's screams of finding me on the brink of death went away, I drifted off into what I thought could've possibly been death. I opened my arms out for it to take me as its guest, but things didn't go exactly how I expected them to.
My world collapsed on me, and I felt nothing. It was almost peaceful in a sense, all of the pain from my wrist soon went away, and better yet, the pain in my heart was washed away by the everlasting darkness as well. Even though people say that this overwhelming amount of darkness is horrible, I think that it's somewhat comforting. I'm ready to die. I've already come to terms that there's nothing for me if I keep on living. Nobody really will care in a year or two. They all forget eventually, and at least I'll be able to be with my mom and dad, but as I start to look around, there's no sight of a dead family member anywhere.
This has to be death, right? I didn't go through all of that effort for nothing.
I can't go back.
I can't look people in the eyes and tell them what I did was wrong because I don't think it was wrong. It was the only option left that I had. There was no other way of getting rid of the thoughts in my head, or the images that will be imbedded into my memories for the rest of my time. The pills no longer worked, small cuts weren't going to help. I needed to end all of this torture inside my mind.
It's still black. Nobody has come for me yet, and now I'm getting worried. I need to die, there has to be something or somewhere I can go to be at peace.
Then, there is light.
A large white blinding light that makes me squint my eyes shut in fear of going blind; if that's even possible, but the feeling is different this time. I feel almost like a part of me is being taken away, as if my soul is leaving my body to make me feel empty, and for a moment, I hear weeps and cries before I open my eyes, and when I do, my breath catches in my throat as I see long dark hair and bright blue eyes like mine, and they're staring right back at me.
She's standing right in front of me as if she's alive. She looks exactly like she did on the day she left me. Tears soon start to water in my eyes, and I can't help but run at full speed to go and hug her. My mother, is standing right in front of me.
Her arms curl around my small frame and pull me into the warmest and most comforting hug I've ever had. I've missed hugs like these for so long. The tears cascade down onto my cheeks, and a surprisingly warm hand reaches up and wipes them gently away. There's sadness and yet happiness in her blue eyes.
"My strong boy. Oh, how I've missed you so." She says softly. I quickly bite my lip at the sound of her voice, its sweet and loving, but has a strong tone to it. I'd almost forgotten what it sounded like, but hearing it now, well it's almost like she never went away.
She chuckles softly and cups my face gently in her hands and smiles, "You've grown so much. You're taller than me now. Oh Armin, you've grown in every way possible. Inside and out."
As she smiles, I shake my head, "Mom, I'm a horrible person. I can't do anything right and-" She quickly shushes me with a look from her eyes. I close my mouth and look at her for guidance.
"I'm not here to talk about your past, Armin. What is done has been done, and nothing can change that, do you understand?" She holds my hand and I stare at her in confusion.
"S-So I did it then, I actually killed myself, so this is the afterlife or heaven?" I bite my lip as I try to look for answers that seem to be slipping out of my hands like grains of sand. Nothing is adding up. I don't feel alive, but yet I don't feel dead either. My mother smiles sympathetically and shakes her head.
"That is up for you to decide. This place is a sort of middle ground for trapped souls, it is not a place for the living, but yet it isn't where the dead reside either. It is a place of nothingness, that only holds light. A choosing state of mind to be more precise. Only souls that are regretting their decision come here because something must've been holding them back. Then that's where people that you've lost come in, and that's why I'm here, to guide you to the place where you want to go."
I shake my head and think of what could be holding me back. Nothing comes to mind, I don't have anything or anybody to live for anymore. I know that it's selfish, but I couldn't take it anymore. When somebody tells you what you've been thinking for so damn long, it's kinda hard not to act on the decision, but I don't regret anything that I've done. My mothers words are simply just not adding up.
"Are you sure that's why I'm here? I-I don't want to live mom, I just want to be with you and dad...and be free from all of my pain." I sniff and feel the tears start to swell in my eyes again. I'm absolutely pathetic. Even after life, I'm still crying over my petty little problems.
My mother quickly wraps me up in a quick hug and rubs my back comfortingly. "I know sweetheart, but you've still got a ways to go, but like I said before, I'm not hear to talk about your past. I'm only here to help you decide what you think is the right path to choose."
I quickly wipe my tears away and compose myself together. This is not the time to be blubbering about my own troubles, if there's a choice to be made, then I need to make the right one because I can't go back, and if the trouble is not being able to die because I'm still holding onto something, then I need to break the bond that I have to it immediately so I can move on.
My mother smiles and starts to walk with me, "Now, there're a few paths that you'll be able to take, but understand this, once you've made your settlement, there's no turning back. Life is life and death is death. It's as simple as that. Now, your first option is to come with your father and me, that is the choice of death, and if you so choose death, we will welcome you with open and loving arms. The second choice is life, whatever seems to be holding you back from death will become your saving grace when you return back from the brink of death, but we will not be able to help you once you go back to the land of the living. You'll become fully conscious and have to deal out your problems on your own. And finally the last option is to stay in this land. The land of the stuck. Souls can be trapped up here for year and years. I think down on Earth, people call it a coma. They are neither living nor are they dead, they're just there. It's a peacefully sad life, but it can be done. Those are your options."
She looks back at me with a serious glance in her eyes. This wasn't a choice I could make on the top of my head. The longer I stood in the land of the stuck, the more I wanted to stay. However, the small piece that felt like it was taken went I entered this strange land, tugged at the bottom of my stomach, almost telling me to leave this place for once and for all, and go back to the living. Although, when I look up at the woman standing in front of me, I can't help the feeling in my heart to hug her tightly and travel with her to my father and the land of the dead. Everything seems to have a justified reason for me to choose that certain path, but it all seemed so sudden and rushed. I need more time.
But the longer I stay silent and try to concentrate on my own thoughts, I noticed that there were darkening edges coming around the pure white room. My mother looked around and then back at me in confusion.
"It's alright darling, your body is just simply trying to fight with you. Back with the mortals, you're probably going into cardiac arrest and are flat lining. I won't be able to be with you much longer, but do not fret, somebody else will meet with you when the light comes back to you. Just look at me one last time."
This is all happening way too soon. I had to leave my mother even though I only just got to talk with her. Nothing was fair, all I wanted to die peacefully, and now, I'm second guessing myself. Nothing is working out the way that I expected it to, but nonetheless, I gaze at my mother with a saddened look in my eyes, but she simply cupped my face in her warm hands and kissed my forehead.
"We'll see each other again, Armin, but hopefully not until your blonde hair has turned grey."
Before I could reply with an "I love you." or a simple "Goodbye." she was gone. I'd lost her again and still didn't have my chance at saying my final words to her, but as I felt the darkness surround me again, I still felt her loving touch on my skin, as if it were to say, "I love you too." I smiled softly and finally opened my eyes to the blank white scenery again.
My gut ached more than it had during the first initial blackout. I felt as if parts of me where being taken by force, as if my humanity was being drained from my body.
I felt like my body was being contorted into a huge question mark that was making my body and mind exhausted from the endless possibilities that were laid out in front of me. I needed more help. My mind was constantly thinking of the pros and cons of going with the choice in mind, but couldn't come up with a final decision. It also didn't help that every time I came back to this bright landscape, it felt like I was losing touch with who I was. The pain now resided in my chest rather than my stomach, but luckily the pain soon went away when mom's words came true when my eyes met a light hazel color, and blonde hair.
I couldn't help it when my legs started to shake, and my knees gave out. I toppled onto the floor and sobbed into my hands. All of this felt like a cruel dream, but yet a gift as well. Seeing my parents here was a blessing and a curse. Do I stay, or do I go?
After a few seconds of just sitting on the ground, I thought that maybe I just imagined my father standing there, until I felt a warm body hug my fragile one in a reassuring embrace. "My son, I'm so proud that I get to call you my son." He said calmly. The longer he held me like he'd always do when I was little, the more I felt myself stop shaking, and regaining my sanity back for a moment.
"I'm guessing you're here to help me decide what I should do." I looked up with my cyan eyes.
He chuckled and rubbed my back, "I guess you could say that. Now I'm not sure if I can do as well of a job like you're mother, but I'll try my best. However, sometimes the best way to get the answer to a problem you can't solve is t-"
"To talk it out." I finish his sentence for him. He'd always tell me that whenever I got upset in elementary school. He chuckled and hugged me even tighter.
"Oh Armin, I'm sorry we left, I should've been there for you more." He sighed and his hazel eyes glazed over as if they were trapped in a long memory once forgotten. I could only imagine what my father was thinking, but nonetheless, he was here, and he was going to try the best he could to help me with my confliction.
He shook his head and looked back at me with his brown hazel eyes that swirled with different earthly tones. "Alright son, so just answer a few simple questions for me and maybe we can get down to your predicament."
I nodded and sat across from him. I retold my story of what I could remember before I blacked out. I could feel my cheeks warm up in anger and embarrassment as I thought of standing in the rain and yelling. Hell, I couldn't even think of the brunette's name without having my hands get clammy and my heart start to pound erratically from the pain and rage. Luckily, my father took my hand in his and squeezed it comfortingly. The soothing touch reassured my body that it could relax when talking about this. I continued and skipped over the part for the thought that came with each cut. I couldn't tell my father that he and mom were one of the last things I thought about before I 'died.'
Through all the time, he kept nodding in understanding and let me speak most of my mind. He finally spoke up when I was finally out of words to recall all of the events that took place before coming to this white wasteland.
"Armin, who's the boy with the emerald eyes?" He finally asked.
There it was again, the tug in my stomach and heart that made my blood boil. I quickly averted my gaze from him and resided to look at the floor below me. "I-I don't wanna talk about him." I stuttered out.
"Armin, listen to me." I sighed and lifted my gaze back up into concerned eyes. "You're obviously holding onto something back on Earth. Now I know that I don't know exactly what it is, but I have a suspicion of what it could be. Or to be more clear, who it could be. There's nothing to be ashamed of, but to ensure that you make the choice you desire, you need to tell me who he is, and what his importance is."
I shake my head and gulp. This isn't happening. He can't be the reason why I'm still stuck here. If anything, he caused this, I had no choice to get away from the pain that he caused inside of my heart. I soon feel the tears come back and I groan. I want to stop crying, but my body won't let me, "I-I can't say his name. He's the reason why I'm here, and I don't know what I feel in my body when I think of him anymore, dad. I feel angry and sad and just mixed emotions and I-I just don't know what the fuck to do anymore."
He holds me again and I cry into his shoulder. As I look around, I can see the black start to loom in onto the white walls and I cry more. "I miss you so much."
I can faintly hear a small sniff from his side, and I know that he's crying too. "I've missed you too, Armin. But it looks like we're running out of time here. You aren't ready to decide yet. One more try Armin, and then you must choose, otherwise you could get trapped here forever. Just do what you did with me Armin. Think back, way back to times you knew to be peaceful. For all of us have choices to make, and sometimes if we take a step back and look at the memories that surround the choice, we get to follow our heart and mind."
And with that, the darkness took me back with its sweet spell.
My fathers words rang in my ears until I was transported back into the bright white. The pain now resided inside my mind. I feel like I just stood in front of an explosion my ears ring so bad, and my head pound to the point of cutting it off seems like a solution. Luckily, after a few minutes, the pain transcends to an annoying buzzing inside my mind. I open my eyes, looking to see another person.
And nothing.
No sign of a single dead person in the entire room. I think for a minute that I'm just trapped now, but I feel as if the pain wouldn't have been there if I was simply trapped, and my father told me that I had one more chance to choose. So rather than just sitting around and doing nothing, I embark on a mission for something. Something to give me hope and a sense of urgency.
I walk for I don't know how long. It could've been minutes or it could've been days, and still, nothing. I sigh and plop down onto the ground once again, ultimately feeling defeated. Nothing adds up. If I can't find what I'm looking for, then how am I suppose to make this huge decision?
My mother and fathers words still float around in my mind as I sit there. What do I do? I look around and bite my lip until I stand back up and look at the never ending ceiling. "I want to decide! J-Just give me a hint as to what I should be looking for!"
I wait a few seconds, and nothing happens. I groan in frustration and droop my head. Of course that stupid plan wasn't going to work
But something just barely catches my eyes. It could've gone unnoticed with the color it was, but I cautiously pick it up.
It's a blank piece of paper.
Nothing's written on it, it's just blank, but as I look out onto the floor, there are an abundance of them that seem to be a small path leading me somewhere. I smile for the first time in a while and hug the paper to my chest. I look back up at the ceiling and nod, "Thank you mom. Thanks dad. I'm gonna figure this out."
And with that I set out on my small journey. I pick up all the papers that are on strange path that seems to be leading to nowhere. My back aches more and more as I keep picking up all the paper. It's like it's never going to end, until it finally does, and what is show isn't a person, its a book.
It stands on a white podium and lays open for anybody to see. I walk tentatively towards it, and with shock realize that it's my journal. They're no pages in it, so they must be the ones in my hands. I calculate all my options as I delicately put one of the first pages I picked up into the journal. There's a small flash of yellow as the paper connects with the binding of the notebook. I smile as I start to put all of the papers that I've collected into the journal until I'm down to the last one. I stare at it for a few seconds, until I decide to just let it fall in order with all of the others. With the familiar flash of yellow, it connects itself, and now in black ink, there's a small amount of writing upon the paper.
"To open a world of possibilities, is to start by being closed."
I look at in confusion. Is it some kind of riddle that I need to write underneath the words to make my final choice? All of this for a stupid question. I groan and slam the journal shut. Nothing ever works out, I can get so close and see my own goal right in front of me, until it slaps me back in the face.
I start to walk away from the podium, until I hear the notebook open by itself. I stop in my tracks and listen to the sounds of paper being flipped back and forth. I think of the small little writing that was at the end of the journal and smile softly.
You have to close your past, to start a new beginning.
I rush back to my journal and look at the pages, and as I do so, my heart jumps out of it's chest.
It's me and him. All of it. It's all happy and sad at the same time. I lightly touch the picture taken from my own eyes, and jump back slightly when the scene projects itself onto the white wall in front of me. He's teaching me how to play the piano, or I'm showing him how to skateboard, or we're decorating the fake Christmas tree in my dorm room, or we're kissing in the snow, but we don't even feel the cold around us.
I don't know when I started to cry, but all I know is that I can feel the wetness on my cheeks, and there's no point in wiping them away. I know why this was put here.
And then the memory that started it all. Our red bags are sitting in front of us and he's looking at me. He's actually looking at me. I can almost feel the warmth on my hand from so long ago. It's like a slow motion picture show. He starts to smile and the green in his eyes is the most beautiful thing that I've ever seen. As I watch the pictures around me, I feel the pain in my head go away. The burn in my chest disperses, and the tug in my gut fades away and transforms into the butterflies I know all to well.
I bite my lip and finally take my eyes off of him for just a few moments. I look down at my arms and see the scars that will most likely stay with me for the rest of my days. I can choose this life here. I can look at the notebook of loving memories, or I can go back, and deal with the pain. I sigh and glance back at that day. The day that yes, did lead me to be in the position to where I am know, but then I look around me and realize, there's so much more worth living for if I get to share my memories with him.
I nod to myself and smile up at the ceiling, "Sorry mom and dad, you're gonna have to wait a little longer for me to join you."
I look back at the journal and place my hands on it and take a deep breath, "I want to live."
I couldn't possibly tell you what happened after that. The white room disappeared and I hear the soft sounds of heart monitors in the background. I smell hospital food and can feel the uncomfortable bed underneath me. I stay with my eyes closed for a few more seconds until I hear sound of somebody tinkering with something on a bedside table. I hear an audible gasp and recognize the voice easily. I open my eyes and sit up a little.
And he's there, looking at something on my phone, but he's still here. I don't know what to feel right now. It's a lot of mixed emotions, but I plan to deal with those later. I take a deep breath and croak out softly, "What the hell do you think you're doing in here?"
He almost freezes, and for a second, I think that I'm still looking at pictures from my journal in that white forsaken room, but after a few seconds, he turns around and looks at me with those same eyes. He looks scared, which I guess in a way, he should be. We have a lot to talk about, but for now, I just look at his eyes.
And I finally remember why I wanted to live.
A/N- Heyyo! I'm so sorry for the long delay on this chapter. A lot has happened in two months. I recently went on a school trip and got very very ill, so sick that I had to go to the ER many times and miss 5 weeks of school. So in the time that I haven't been updating, I've been trying to catch up on all of my schoolwork and trying to working to earn money, but there is good news, I'm almost done with school! I only have about 20ish days left, so I'll be able to update more once summer comes. But anyways, thank you all for such the long wait, and I hope that you enjoyed this chapter! I love you all! -Zenoiva (Also P.S. sorry if there's any grammatical errors in this chapter, it's like 12am as I finish this, and I don't have the energy to check >.<)