By the time the bell rings at the end of the day Louis is almost a little scared to drive home. He knows that Liam had last period free so he's been home cooking. Louis knows he is going to be walking in the door to a huge meal and he's got no way out of it. He's had nothing but water and milk free tea all day, and now he's feeling it. His head throbs and if he stands up too quickly lights pop behind his eyes. He's mostly used to the perpetual dizziness but its a little scary to drive when he's feeling so light headed.
Louis can stand the hunger pains, he actually kind of likes the way his stomach aches, but he hates the heart palpitations. He can't handle the way sometimes he'll be sitting still and it will just kind of hit him that he can feel his heart racing in his chest. It's strange because he feels like his heart beats so fast but it's not a pounding or a thumping, it feels more like it's fluttering in his chest. Sometimes he lays awake at night wondering why his heart is rabbiting when he's been laying still for hours then he begins to wonder if maybe its just going to stop. He doesn't necessarily think that would be a bad thing.
It isn't that he doesn't like his life, he knows how lucky he is to be in school for something he loves, to have a nice flat and enough money to get by, to have to friends who care about him so much and treat him so well. Louis likes his life. He just doesn't like himself. Sometimes he just hates himself so much that he doesn't think he deserves any of the things he has, sometimes he just hates himself so much that closing his eyes and thinking about his heart stuttering to a stop is oddly relaxing.
He makes it home even with the dizziness but he has to sit on the stairs because he feels like he's going to pass out and he knows he has to gather his energy for the lads. He walks through the door to the flat with a huge grin on his face and calls out a bright sounding hello. He finds Liam in the kitchen, turning chicken in a pan, and the smell hits Louis like a brick wall. He's so thankful that Liam is the one cooking because he's always liked being healthy, if it were Zayn they'd be eating something battered and greasy.
It smells so good but even though his stomach cries for it his throat is already itching, dreading the food. He's not sure when it happened but it doesn't take will power not to eat anymore, it takes will power to force food down his throat. His body has learned that it is just going to come back up later and his mind has learned to feel like shit about the calories and he literally just dreads it. He slides up behind Liam and rests his chin on the taller boys shoulder. Liam hums a bit and rubs his cheek against Louis', stirring some sort of sauce.
"Smells delicious, what are you making," Louis says.
"Curry chicken and veggies," Liam replies.
Louis silently thanks the stars there are no carbs, "great," he says, "what time is Zaynie home?"
"Should be in a few, he just wanted to stop by the skate shop on his way home or something," Liam replies, "how did your fitting go?"
Louis isn't sure why he blushes when his mind flashes to Harry but thankfully Liam is preoccupied with dinner, "it went really well. He looks great in everything. I don't have too many alterations," Louis says, folding himself up on one of the chairs at the table.
"And what is the guy like, what did you say his name was again?" Liam asks.
"Harry," Louis says, and he really hopes Liam doesn't notice the way his voice is a bit softer around the name, he clears his throat, "he's nice."
Liam turns to face Louis and leans back against the counter, "like nice, nice or I'll force myself to put up with him until the fashion show is over, nice?" he enquires.
Louis laughs a little, "like nice, nice."
Liam's eyebrows raise a little. Louis wonders when Liam started noticing how anti social Louis has become, because the surprise on his face is brought on by the fact that Louis hasn't shown anything more than indifference for anyone other than he and Zayn in a long time. Louis can tell Liam wants to ask more but then the front door is swinging open and letting Zayn into the flat.
"Hey bebz," he says, dropping his book bag by the door.
"Hey," Liam says.
"How was your day?" Louis asks, as Zayn shrugs out of his coat.
"Mundane," Zane replies, "how was your fitting?"
"It was nice," Liam says before Louis has opened his mouth, exchanging a meaningful look with Zayn.
Zayn's puts in an effort to keep his expression even, "that's good. What was your models name again?"
"Harry," Liam supplies.
The two of them often do this, so Louis is used to it. They talk above his head with glances and expressions like a set of parents would their son. He used to fight it, telling them to stop having silent conversations about him, but he knows they just care about him a lot. He figures he's probably a bit much for one person to handle so they have to kind of tag team it, they're always a 'we.'
Zayn plunks down in the chair beside Louis, "so everything went smoothly, that's good. Harry was erm- cooperative?" he asks.
"Why don't you two just ask what you really want to ask," Louis says, rolling his eyes.
They exchange another loaded look over his head, apparently Zayn passes off to Liam, "nothing Lou, we're just wondering if you've made a new friend," Liam shrugs.
"What, two friends aren't enough?" Louis asks, only half joking.
"Of course we're enough you twat, we just worry about you when we're busy with other shit and you're home alone," Zayn says.
"I don't mind being alone," Louis shrugs.
Another meaningful look before Liam takes over, "we know, but you used to be the one who always wanted to be out doing something with people or we'd come home to the flat full of your friends and-"
Louis forces a laugh, "I'm just older now guys, I've just mellowed out a bit," he says with a shrug.
"We know, and that's fine, we just wanted to know if maybe this Harry is a good guy or not," Zayn shrugs, offering a sheepish smile.
Louis resists the urge to roll his eyes, "from the two hours I spent with him he seems like a good guy," he says, mirroring Zayn's shrug.
"Two hours? We thought he was just going to meet you for your spare period?" Liam asks, eyebrows raised.
"He got to school early so we were going to do the fitting then but we ended up talking instead," Louis explains.
"What did you guys talk about?" Zayn asks, failing horribly at nonchalance.
"Dad can you please tell Mum to stop fussing," Louis says dryly.
Liam just laughs and gives Zayn another look, "go wash your hands you two, dinner is ready," he says.
"Why am I always the Mum," Zayn grumbles as he follows Louis to the bathroom.
Louis just laughs. After they've returned to the kitchen with the front of their clothes damp from fighting over the water tap they sit down as Liam brings the food to the table. Louis stomach clenches and his throat itches but he makes a big show of stating how amazing it looks. Louis has been dieting on and off for over a year now and he's learned a few things. They started getting worried before when he'd say he wasn't hungry, or he'd ask for smaller portions. When they got worried they started watching him, making sure he ate. That only made him have to purge all the time though, and Louis really, really hates purging. He knows how bad it is for his teeth and his throat.
He's learned that if he talks about eating and doesn't mention wanting to diet they just take his word for it that he's stuffed his face at school on his spare, or grabbed a burger on the way home. It's convenient because their schedules don't match up enough for them to know he's lying and then he only has to purge when he cant get around eating with them. Louis has also learned how to get away with eating a lot less when he is forced to eat in front of them. He keeps them talking, keeps them distracted, while he makes himself look busy cutting up his chicken or scooping up his vegetables. They don't even notice how he holds his fork by his mouth a lot, as if he's about to take a bite, but the fork never really makes it into his mouth.
Eventually though it always gets to a point where Liam and Zayn are almost done eating and they'll start looking to Louis' plate to see if he's almost done too. Louis knows if he doesn't get some of his food cleared by that point they'll start asking why he's eating so slow and if he's feeling okay and he doesn't want that. So he eats. He cuts tiny little pieces of his chicken and stabs the smallest vegetables on his plate and he puts them in his mouth and chews. He chews until each bite is completely pulverized so that the food will hurt less coming up.
His stomach is thankful for the food until about five bites in. He's so hungry and the food tastes so good but he's so used to having such small portions that by the time Louis has had six bites he feels like he is going to explode. He wants to stop, he needs to stop eating, but he cant, because the boys will be finishing up soon and wondering why the hell Louis has barely touched his food. He can practically feel the food sticking to the walls of his stomach and he feels repulsive and disgusting and he has to force himself to raise the fork to his mouth each time.
He acts animated and happy and takes the piss out of the boys and listens to them talk about their day and nobody would know that his skin is literally crawling as he chews each bite. This loud, funny guy used to be him, he used to love being surrounded by people, used to love being the centre of attention. As he forces himself to swallow he thinks about when that changed. When he started hating having peoples eyes on him, when he started wanting to be alone, when he started hating himself. He smiles and he laughs and he chews and he swallows but he's aching, he's itching to be on his knees on the bathroom floor.
Finally Zayn and Liam are finishing up and Louis plate is clear enough to pass. He starts raving about how amazing it was, complimenting Liam on the spices and saying how stuffed he is, all the while subtly gathering the plates before the boys bother taking a look at his. He busies himself with clearing the chicken bones off of their plates and the remaining food off of his while the other two finish their beers and discuss which movie they should all watch.
"Thanks so much for dinner Li, it was delicious," Louis says, "you guys pick a movie I'm going to take a shower and then I'll join you, yeah?"
They don't think anything of it because Louis always has his showers after dinner and he's able to slip away while they're still laughing in the kitchen. He goes to his room and he grabs a pair of his sleeping sweatpants and a over sized pullover hoodie before slipping into the bathroom and locking the door. It's practically ritual for him at this point. He turns the shower on hot to steam up the room, and then he clicks to the music on his iPhone and turns it all the way up, setting it on the counter. The boys don't question that either because Louis always has music playing while he showers.
When the mirror is steamed up enough that he doesn't risk catching sight of himself he slowly strips off his clothes. He washes his hands, since his fingers will be down his throat in a moment. When that is done he slowly lowers himself to the ground, into position, his knees on either side of the toilet, the seat and the lid raised up, one arm supporting himself against the porcelain. He's quiet now, he can do it without making loud gags or coughing and sputtering, but the running water and music make one hundred percent sure nobody will hear him.
He takes one last deep breath, reminds himself that it's worth it and opens his mouth. With practiced ease he reaches two fingers towards his throat and he strokes at the back of his mouth, almost lovingly, coaxing. He clenches his stomach and triggers his gag reflex and it only takes a few times before he can feel it coming up. It's like he's coaxing the food back up, easing it out of his throat and into the toilet. The acid burns his throat and no matter how well he chews there are always chunks, but as the vomit rushes up and pours out of his mouth he feels better even though it feels disgusting.
The ease with which he can make his stomach expel it's contents is almost that of a mother bird regurgitating food for her babies. He draws it up over and over, from his stomach, out his mouth. He hardly pauses to breathe and the only sound is the puke splashing into the toilet. Tears streak his cheeks and his throat burns but with each round of vomit he feels a little lighter. He retches and retches until the vomit stops coming and a long stream of saliva hangs from his lip as he tries to breathe. The saliva is tinged with blood but that is normal for him, it means he's almost done.
On shaky legs he stands and grabs the cup he keeps by the sink. He fills it up three times, chugging each cupfull, before he kneels by the toilet again. The first time he makes himself throw up the water there is still a little food mixed in. The third and fourth times nothing but clear liquid comes, until finally he is just making himself dry heave.
He sits for a while, just trying to regain his breath and calm the clenching and unclenching of his stomach muscles. His throat is on fire and his eyes are puffy from the tears but he feels empty, and after the torture of shovelling food into his mouth empty is the best feeling in the world. Eventually he flushes the toilet and then steps into the shower to wash off the stench of vomit and self loathing. He rinses his mouth out and spits a few times. He can't brush his teeth right away because after the acidity of his vomit the toothpaste will strip his enamel, if he waits a bit before he brushes his teeth aren't as sensitive the next day.
After his shower he pulls on his baggy clothes and brushes his teeth and heads out to the living room to hang out with the boys. He fits easily between Liam and Zayn on the couch, his cheek pressed to Zayn's shoulder and his legs pulled up to his chest. Zayn's arm wraps around his shoulders and Liam's wraps around Zayn so they form a sort of knot. It's familiar and comfortable and Louis feels safe and at home while they watch a movie they've all seen a million times. Louis feels okay until Liam and Zayn declare its time for bed and he crawls into his bed alone. He pulls his knees up to his chest and falls asleep fighting back the tears, but thats nothing new for Louis.