Tegan's P.O.V
March 2015
~~~
It's been about a week since the heartbreaking ultrasound. Everyone is still upset, but everything has been so busy. It feels terrible not to be able to slow down and grieve.
"I just, I don't know!" I hear yelling from the boys' room.
Romeo is at the recording studio for his own album, so it was just the five boys here with me. None have them had come to pester me yet, so that was unusual.
Last night I found Harry crying around the middle of the night, but he wouldn't tell me what was wrong. I let him paint my nails. After he kissed my forehead goodnight.
What the fluck are these boys arguing about now? I get up from the couch, and tiptoe to their door. I crack it open. Zayn is standing by the hotel door, Liam is standing in front of him, Louis is sitting on the sofa with his feet on the coffee table, Niall sits beside him, and Harry stands with his hands in his pockets.
"During the show last night I just realized. I had a breaking point. I can't keep it up anymore. None of this is me, like I'm not myself here." Zayn mumbles the last part.
"What are you trying to say, mate?" Louis asks.
"What I'm trying to say is," Zayn sighs. "I need a break."
"A break? A break from tour?" Niall asks.
"A break from this whole band thing. I want to leave. I called Harry last night." Zany admits.
The other three look at Harry. His hands cover his eyes.
"That's what happened Harry?" I speak up, tears brimming my eyes.
All their heads turn toward me.
"Tegan," Zayn whispers, covering his face with his hands.
The room is silent, I can hear the clock ticking. I can hear all our heartbeats. Every single one of our's.
"A break? Bullshit! We need you! Brothers for life, huh?" I scoff.
"Tegan, calm down." Liam walks toward me.
I shut my eyes and cover my mouth with my hand.
"Tegan look at me!" Zayn's arm gestured down his body. He pulls at his baggy jeans. "My health. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I've lost control over myself."
"So has everyone! Everyone has been put through hell, not just you." I remind, looking him straight in the eyes.
"This isn't me. It's not my style of music. Four albums and four tours in only four years. It's insane. When I don't even enjoy doing this." Zayn defends.
"But what about them?" I gestured to his band mates of almost five years.
"Tegan, his isn't the last of One Direction." Louis spoke up.
They were all being extremely calm about this.
"What have I done?" I ask, quietly, looking down.
It's me, huh? It's always my fault why people leave.
The room is filled with silence. No one is saying anything. Not even Louis. No one uttered a word of anger, sadness, not even an exhale of breath.
"What about your fans, Zayn?" I asked him, seriously.
"They're still my fans, and I'll always love them. My fans are everything to me!"
"How could you leave these boys? Don't you realize being in this band is the only thing that's gotten you through being an adult? You don't know how have a real job, or live a normal life!" I spat at him.
"I shouldn't have to do something that's not me! I shouldn't have to pretend to be someone I'm not! It's not fair to me, it's not fair to anybody. What do you not understand about that?" Zayn asked me, through clenched teeth.
"I just don't understand how you can leave something so big! This is a huge part of your life, how can you just leave it like its nothing?" I was angry with Zayn. Beyond angry. Zayn laughs.
"Oh, come on! We all know One Direction isn't going to be a band forever. You're being ridiculous!" Zayn laughed, even though nothing is funny. "I'm an adult, I can make my own decisions! This conversation is over. It's not your place, Tegan. Let us talk alone."
I stood frozen. The last words he said played over and over in my head, like a broken record. A tear streamed down my face, and my breathing came out shaky.
"Zayn!" Louis stood up.
"How could you say that?" Harry steps forward also.
I stood there, my breathing just getting heavier and heavier.
"Tegan, come here." Niall gestures his arms out.
"No, no." I shook my head, and backed up. "No! NO!" I turned around and ran out of the hotel room.
I ran down the flight of stairs, through the lobby, and completely out of the hotel. I ran as fast as my legs could take me, not looking back at all.
Liam and Pen just lost lost their baby, and now we're losing Zayn. What's going to happen to me? Zayn is my legal guardian. Where am I going to go? Do I have to leave, too? They'll still be mates, right? That's what they've always said!
I stop running, and put my hands on my knees. I look around me. I have no idea where I am. I walk over to a bench and sat down.
What have I done? What have I done that makes everyone leave? Why are people always leaving me?
I run my hands through my hair frantically. As I do so, tears prick my eyes, and I can't help it. The crying gradually becomes harder, and soon I'm sobbing. I can't help it. My palms cover my eyes, and my body is shaking.
If Zayn can leave One Direction, then he can leave me, can't he?
I've lost so many people. People that mean more than anything to me, and now I'm losing Zayn, or even worse Louis, Liam, Harry, Niall, Pen, Adelaide, and Eleanor.
"Tegan, this isn't the last of One Direction."
I laugh out loud, though none of this is funny.
Now, where have I heard that one before? Oh, I know! Zayn Malik said it himself, and now look at this disaster!
Am I the disaster, or am I the victim?
The melodic tone starts playing, interrupting me from my thoughts. I pull my phone out of my jeans pocket, and read the contact name. Zaniac. Below the stupid nickname was a picture of Harry, Zayn and I group hugging. I slide the bar to answer.
"Hello?" I answered, coldly.
"Tegan where are you?"
I hang up.
I know he didn't mean to hurt me. I'm just an emotional mess right now. I know Zayn is an adult, and he knows what's best for him, I'm just scared. I feel like everyone's backs are turning on me; one by one.
He calls again, but I don't answer.
~~~
I'll just leave that there
-Tyson