The next morning at what I just knew was the crack of dawn, the phone rang. I opened my eyes slowly and realized that my roommate had already left for her first class.
"Kenney," I snapped into the phone, "you're going to make me sorry that I ever gave you my number if you keep calling me every time I go to sleep."
"This isn't Kenney."
"Oh!" My heart jumped and then dropped. "Oh..."
"This is Collin."
"I know...now. Sorry about that."
"Not a thing. So...this Kenney harassing you or what?"
"What?"
"I mean, you sounded like he's stalking you or something."
"Oh...nah..." then I smiled. "You're the one who's stalking me."
Collin laughed. "Aw! That's messed up!"
"But true."
"No it ain't. Why would I stalk you when I know I don't have to?" What was I supposed to say to that? I opted for silence until he continued. "Well, anyway..." he went on quickly. Luckily the call waiting beeped in and interrupted him.
"Hold on Collin."
"No."
"Yes." Why was I smiling at this jerk anyway? I clicked over. "Hello?"
"Well, well. Nice to hear you smiling for a change."
"Kenney?" This time I wanted to make sure who I was talking to before I started running my mouth.
"Yeah," he said, like I should have known. "Who else would it be?"
"Oh...nobody. Look, hold on ok?"
"Aight."
I clicked back over. "Collin? I have to go."
"No."
"No? Who the hell do you think you are? I didn't even have to click back over to you and say anything at all. I should have just left your butt sitting right there until you got tired and hung up."
No?! The nerve of this fool!
Collin suddenly busted out laughing and couldn't stop. He laughed for a good minute, with Kenney still waiting on the other line, and then suddenly became serious.
"What?" I asked, more disturbed by the silence than the laughter.
"You haven't changed a bit." He said, chuckling. Then more seriously he added, "I just missed you, that's all."
For some reason, the way he said it made me click back over to Kenney. "Hey... Bud..."
"What?" I could tell he was ticked at me for making him wait so long.
"Um...hold on."
"Naw, you talkin' to ya boy?"
"Who?"
"You know who."
"Yeah. Can I call you back?"
"Don't worry about it."
"Kenney..."
"Naw, that's aight." Kenney was starting to get on my nerves with this jealousy crap.
"Kenney, I'll call you back."
"Ok. Whatever."
I sighed loudly as I clicked back over to Collin. "Hello?"
"That your boy?"
Hmm...sounded familiar. "I don't know which boy you're talking about, Collin. What do you want?"
"Oh you know who I'm talking about." When I didn't answer, he changed the subject. "Did you get the bracelet?"
"Yeah, I got it. You can have it back, too. And the flowers, and the teddy bear...where you getting' all this money from anyway?"
"Don't worry 'bout all that."
I knew Collin well enough to know that with that answer, I probably didn't want to know any more about his income than I wanted to know about his Shaunta. Collin had always been the "whatever's clever" type. If you were willing to pay the right price, he'd pretty much do whatever you needed him to do. I guessed he hadn't changed all that much since high school.
"So, your girl don't mind you signing all your felony checks over to me?"
"Ok. First of all," Collin began seriously, "never say the 'f' word to me over the phone again."
"F word?" Don't start that 'talking like a ho' crap again, I thought, until I realized that he was talking about "felony." I should have known. He was caught up in some illegal mess...as usual.
"Second of all, that ain't my girl and I dropped her as soon as she started thinking she was."
"That's messed up, Collin. Some things never change."
"Naw, baby. You got it all wrong. Nobody told her she was my girl. She just started trippin' out the clear blue. I didn't even really like her that much anyway."
"Then why were you hanging around her?"
Collin let the question linger in the air before answering. "You know why." I had to laugh. I could just see him grinning wickedly over the phone. "So anyway, she's out of the picture now so..."
"So what?"
"So now I don't have anybody else to spend my money on."
"I'm sure you could find somebody."
"Damn straight I could find somebody. But I want you."
There was nothing left for me to say after that.
"Collin, I have to go."
"Alright. So are you down for lunch or what?"
"No...I don't think I can make it."
"That's cool. What about dinner?"
"No..."
"Aight then. I'll see you around."
"Ok."
I knew Collin wasn't going to give up that easy. He probably just needed time to regroup and come up with Plan C. That was cool, though, because I needed some time to remember why I kept shooting him down in the first place. I took a deep breath before calling Kenney back. I knew he'd still be mad at me.
To my surprise, he wasn't. "Waddup ked! Na'mean son?"
I laughed. "Kenney stop."
"Stop what son? Why you always talkin' crazy son?" When I got quiet on his ass, he quit. "Hello?"
"Yes?"
"Whachu mean yes? You called me, gul!"
"Right. What's up?"
"Whachu mean wassup? 'Sup witchu?"
"Kenney..."
"I'm serious."
"Me too."
"What?"
"What?" Now he had me thoroughly confused.
Kenney busted out laughing. "I'm just messin' wit' you, girl. What're you doing right now?"
"I'm in the bed."
"Tashi! It's twelve o'clock! Haven't you missed like five classes by now?"
"Yeah."
"What's goin' on kid?"
"Guess I slept late."
"Guess you drink too doggone much. That's the problem. You got a stash in your room or somethin'?"
"So what did you want Kenney?"
"Yeah, Shayna's going to Shipwreck tonight to see Drama. You comin' with her?"
"I could. Are you asking me to?"
"Nope. But if you do, I'll do somethin' special for you."
The offer sounded like he was up to no good. It made me want to go just to see what the "something special" was.
"Hey, meet me at the waterfront in a little while, ok?"
"Alright." Kenney was always so amiable.
"Thanks, Kenney. When?"
"Whenever you want. I don't have any more classes for the rest of the day."
"Ok. Let me get dressed." I stretched. "I'll call you when I'm ready."
About an hour later, I watched as Kenney strolled easily across the grass towards the bench where I was sitting. I loved the way he walked. He acted like he was never in a hurry to get anywhere or do anything, but he was never late and he always got the job done. I decided that I was going to have to be more like Kenney if I wanted to get my butt out of Hampton University on time.
"What's up girl?" he sat down beside me.
"Hey."
"I brought you some Big Chew," he said, handing me a packet of gum that looked just like purple chewing tobacco. It used to be my favorite when I was little, but I was surprised that he remembered me telling him that.
I laughed. "Kenney, you're wild. How did you even find this?"
"I have my ways," he said mysteriously and watched me put a small wad of it into my mouth. After flicking his eyes across the crease of my lips, he spoke. "So I know you want to tell me something. What's up?"
"Why do you think that? Why can't I just want to sit out here with my Bud?"
"You can, but today you want something. You know I hate talking in circles Natasha. What's on your mind?"
"I...Kenney, have you ever been in love?"
"Oh here you go!" Kenney threw up his hands in exasperation.
"No Kenney, I'm serious. Have you?"
"Why?"
"Well, I thought about what you asked me, before..." he nodded, "...and I need to know what it feels like."
"Because...?"
"Because I think...I think I might still be in love with Collin."
"Huh." Kenney bit his lip. I had never seen him do that before. After a while, he asked, "Well, were you in love with him before?"
"I'm not sure. How would I know?"
"Well, it's kind of like...like you can't think of anything but that person. Like you always want to be around them, even if it's just to sit with them and talk..." he looked out over the water and his voice faded away.
"You sound like you really know what you're talking about."
He looked over at me. "Yeah, I do." He looked away again, then looked back at me and grinned. "I fall in love like ten times a day. On a slow day."
"I bet."
"Naw, but for real, it's like you would do anything for that person." His gaze lingered on my face. I wondered why he was looking at me like that. "Anything. And...it's almost like they can do no wrong. No matter what they do, you always forgive them. You just can't help it. So..." he concluded loudly, "if you're in love with this fool Collin, I suggest you be careful."
"Kenney," I shook my head. "You don't have to keep telling me that. Don't worry. I remember what you said about not bringing you drama. If anything even did pop off, which it won't, I would never bring it to you." I laughed. "You have enough to worry about...being Supa Dupafly and all."
He didn't smile. "No. That's not what I meant..."
"I wrote something," I interrupted before he could say anything else.
"Oh yeah? What?"
"Something about...well, after we were talking the other night about your sister, I was just thinking about how it would be to lose someone close to me like that. Like if I had a brother or something." His face kind of clouded over and I thought twice about reading it to him.
"So let's hear it."
"You sure?"
"Of course." He smiled.
"Ok. It's called Sometimes." I pulled the crumpled sheets of paper out of my pocket. "Sometimes I know you still love me, even though you are dead\ Sometimes I wonder why you put a bullet through your head\ Sometimes I know you still love me, even though you took your life from me\ Sometimes I wish I could see you there, standing right in front of me\ Sometimes I do still see you, and I reach out for your hand\ Sometimes I wish I were there with you in that magical far off land\ Why did you do it?\ How did it feel?\ To look at your only sister's heart\ And steal\ It away?\ Remember when he hurt me and you broke his collar bone?\ Sometimes when the pain is too much, I can reach out for you and feel like I'm not alone\ Sometimes I can still tell you my problems, and I know you understand\ When I feel your cool, strong fingers brush against my hand\ Sometimes you still hold me and tell me it's alright\ When I think that I should give up because I'm too weak to fight\ Sometimes I still go to your room, expecting you to be there\ Sometimes I think you're with me, but all I see is air\ Sometimes I remember you telling me that nature is the only true art\ Sometimes I watch you point out a sunset, even though we are apart."
"Wow."
"What?" I looked over at him, startled. So into my own words, I had forgotten that he was even there.
"Nothing. Nothing. My sister just used to say that...about nature and stuff. And I do think about her...all the time...especially when I see the sun taking a really long time to set. It's like she's up there telling God to make sure I see it."
"Yeah..." We looked at each other curiously for a moment before I went on. "Do you want me to keep going?"
"Yes. Of course."
"Ok. Sometimes I wish you were still here, always by my side\ The night of your funeral, dear brother, was the first time I ever cried\ Sometimes I wish you'd yell at me for something stupid that I've done\ Sometimes I wish I could follow you around like the little sister that thinks you're the perfect one\ Sometimes I think I hear you in the distance, calling out my name\ But I know that you're not here anymore and things will never be the same\ I remember you were the only one that listened, the only one that cared\ The only one I'd run to on dark and stormy nights when I was scared\ Sometimes I see your friends, and they try to take your place\ But you're the only one who can wipe the tears from my face\ Sometimes I still talk to you, but I know you won't talk back...\ Even though I wish you could\ Sometimes I can still feel you listening\ Especially when no one else would."
Kenney was so quiet when I finished that I was afraid to look over at him. Finally, I started rambling just to break the silence. "So I was thinking about you...and your sisters...and what kind of brother you must be to them. And then...I was thinking about if you were my brother..."
"Your brother?" Clearly, the realization of my possibly thinking of him as a brother was an unexpected slap to the face.
"Well, you know what I mean. I was thinking about what kind of big brother you would be to...someone, and how I would feel if I lost a brother like you..."
"So, that brother was supposed to be me?"
"Not entirely..."
"And you had me off myself?"
I tried to explain. "No. I was just..." I had to look away from him. "I was just worried about you the other night because you seemed so sad, and you tried so hard to hide it... And, I mean, that's what they say about people before they...you know."
"Tashi. Are you kiddin' me?" He held my hand.
"No, I'm serious." I got this sudden, unexpected urge to cry. I think he could tell.
"You never have to worry 'bout me, gul," he laughed. "I'd do everybody up in this piece before I killed myself."
I looked over at him and saw that he was serious. "You're crazy."
"I'm crazy because I wouldn't kill myself?" He laughed. "Naw, naw. I'll tell you who's crazy. Your boy...Collin." He said it like that was allegedly his name.
"Damn Kenney!" I jumped up. "Why the hell do you always have to bring Collin into every conversation we have? This didn't have jack to do with him and you just had to bring him up! Are you jealous or what? Tell me now if that's going to be a problem because I don't have time for this crap."
I don't know why I got so pissed at him all of a sudden. I think maybe I was still mad about the way he'd acted on the phone earlier that morning. I started to walk away from him. Kenney jumped up after me and grabbed my hand.
"Kenney, let me go."
"No Natasha, wait a minute. Why you trippin'?"
"I don't want to hear anything you have to say right now." I turned to him. "Let me go."
"I think you need to do what she asked potna."
Oh shit.
I didn't even want to look back and see who had just rolled up on us like that. I already knew, anyway. I had totally forgotten that Collin said he would be out there around lunchtime. I wondered how long he'd been watching us. This, I could already tell was about to get ugly. To my surprise, Kenney let go.
"Collin," I turned to him. "Don't start. This is my friend Kenney.... remember?" Collin didn't say anything and didn't move his eyes from Kenney's, so I turned to Kenney, who looked agitated. "Kenney, you remember Collin right?"
"Yeah," he looked at me for a minute, then at Collin and stuck out his hand. "We met at registration."
"We did?" Collin was such a butthole, but shook Kenney's hand anyway.
Anger flashed across Kenney's face, but he easily filed it away. Then he turned to look at me again. Collin, I could see out of the corner of my eye, was still trying to punk Kenney. Kenney, in turn, looked like he thought Collin was a joke and, well, what the hell was he doing in our conversation anyway?
"Um...Collin..." I turned to him. "Everything's fine. I'll talk to you later, ok?"
Collin didn't say anything, but continued to stare at Kenney. Another flash went across Kenney's face and he stepped away from me and to Collin.
I quickly put my hand on Collin's arm and walked him a few steps in the other direction. "Collin, what do you think you're doing?"
"Looks like saving your ungrateful ass."
"You don't even know what you're talking about."
"Look..."
"No you look, Collin. This isn't a 'pick up where we left off'' situation, because if that's the case, then I should still be mad at your crazy, two faced, back stabbing, lying ass."
Immediately, I wanted to take back my words. Collin didn't even look mad. He just looked hurt.
"Aight then." And he walked off.
I looked back at Kenney, who was back on the bench, smiling to himself and reading over my poem once again.
"What's so funny?" I sat down next to him.
"I told you. That dude's craze a' hell. And he showed up just in time to prove it."
"Kenney, you don't even know him."
"And I don't plan to."
"Good."
"Good," he countered.
"Fine."
"Fine then."
We looked at each other and laughed. "He's not so bad, Kenney. Really. Not only that, but he's a lot better than he used to be."
"Whatever."
"Whatever my ass. I can take care of myself."
"I know that. You're grown."
"That's right. And don't you forget it."
"Oh, I won't." He put an unnecessarily huge plug of purple Big Chew in his mouth. "So, you comin' tonight or what?" It amazed me how Kenney could just let things roll off his back like that. I really loved that about him. After smacking on the gum for a minute, he held up the paper. "I think you should do this one...oh wait a minute," he started digging through his book bag. "I bought you this." He held out a pink journal with a big sunflower on it. "For your rhymes. I know the other one's full."
"My rhymes?" I laughed.
"Yeah. You like?"
"Yes."
"Good 'cause I was feelin' like the gayest dude ever buyin' that shit." He shook his head. "Only for you, boo."
"Thanks." I kissed him on the cheek.
"Aw shucks." He looked around grinning widely. "Better stop 'for one a your other men run up on me, tryna get dealt wit'."
"He wasn't going to fight you."
"I know that. If he knows what's good for him."
"Anyway! You couldn't take him." I shook my head like I was playing, but really, I was so serious. Kenney and Collin were about the same height, but Collin had at least a good twenty-five pounds of muscle on him. "He's even stronger than he looks."
My smile faded when Kenney looked me dead in the eye and asked, "How do you know that?"
I looked away and folded my poem, slipping it into the brand new journal. "So I'll see you tonight then?"
He smiled faintly. "Not if I see you first."