No longer requiring a walk, I return home. However, instead of stopping by the kitchen to pour Kelly and I two tall glasses of vitamin C, I head straight to that door we leave closed at all times. There is something behind this door I don't want to see, but now more than ever I feel as though I must. Mia might be right. I'm burying something from the past because I'm afraid of how it will impact the future. Hand raised, the tips of my fingers stroke along the cool doorknob. It isn't locked. All I would have to do is grip it and twist. Nearly choking on fear I drop my hand. Can't do it. It's too hard and filled with too much uncertainty.
"You can do it," an encouraging voice says. I look toward the left where my wife stands in her pajamas. Our gazes locked Kelly softly smiles. "I'm here for you. I'm right here, Jordan."
"I don't want to," I whisper while my palms turn clammy. Walking up to me, Kelly takes my right hand, places it on the doorknob and leaves hers pressed to the back of it. Once she mentions we'll open the door together I shake my head. "I kissed Mia. We just kissed outside her house." Part of the reason I confessed is because I want to be honest. The main reason I confessed is because I thought it might distract her current objective to assist me in opening the mysterious door. However, I figure out I was wrong when Kelly doesn't appear sad, angry or shocked by the news.
"That's okay." Kelly's smile confuses me more than all algebra problems combined from my high school days. "It makes sense."
Makes sense? What does? What could possibly make sense about me, a happily married woman out of the blue sharing a kiss with the new neighbor? "Huh? I cheated on you, Kelly."
Since her hand is still atop mine she brushes her fingers from side to side. "No, love. If anyone is having an affair it's you and I because I'm not your wife and it's time for you to face the truth. Reality hurts but you need to face it." Concerned eyes shift toward the door. "Start by turning that knob."
"Kelly..."
"Time for you to wake up, Jordan." Just that quickly her outfit changes from pajamas to a pair of slacks, a blouse and a white lab coat. A badge clipped above her breast pocket shows a headshot of her smiling, the words Dr. Kelly O'Connor, Psychiatrist printed next to it.
"No." I shake my head as the desperation to continue residing within a clueless bubble persists. "This, no. Put your pajamas back on and let's go to bed." I try to remove my hand from the doorknob, but she won't let me. I try pleading through watery eyes. "Don't make me go in there."
"I'm not." Although the smile is faint it's filled with such an incredible amount of tenderness. "You want this. It's the only reason we're standing here instead of in bed drinking juice. You're ready to open the door even if you don't believe you are. This world you created for us, what we could have been if we hadn't broken up is nice, but it's false. I knew you were about to have a breakthrough when Mia moved in next door. And your latest book, which is based on your own childhood? You wrote out your life story." Kelly smiles again. "That's good. You're making progress.
"Open the door, Jordan."
"I want to go to bed," I say, sounding closer to four than thirty-four. "Let's go to bed, okay, baby?"
"You have control of this world. If you really wanted to go to bed we would be there. That's not what you want. This," Kelly raises her arms while looking along the hallway, "is make believe." She knocks on the door. "Reality is beyond there. The only way you stand a chance of healing is to deal with it."
A burst of courage causes me to grab the doorknob, twist it and push the door open. Greeted by darkness, I step forward and feel along the wall for the light switch, gasping when the room is illuminated. Pink. Pink is everywhere including the bedspread, curtains, a large toy chest...even the carpet is a soft, pale pink. A small table is positioned near the window with a miniature pink plastic chair on either side of it. Atop the table is an open coloring book along with a box near overflowing with crayons. So many stuffed animals surround the room, a duck, teddy bear and a penguin resting on the gorgeous four-poster bed.
"Whose bedroom does this belong, love?"
I blink away tears and stubbornly shake my head. "I don't know."
"Jordan," she patiently starts, causing me to jump when her hand lands on my lower back, "whose bedroom are we standing in?"
"Kelly, I want to go." I turn my back on the room, a longing gaze focused on the hallway. "Let's get out of here." She blocks me and I plead for her to move. However, she refuses, her face a combination of concern and serenity as she looks at me repeating that question I'd rather not provide an answer to. "Told you I don't know."
"Jordan, why don't you like children?"
"They're annoying and time consuming."
"Try again."
A growl doesn't frighten her. She still appears so calm. It radiates from her. Since she won't allow me to exit I walk further into the bedroom and within seconds lean against the wall to the left of the window. It's pitch black outside, but that doesn't prevent me from seeing something. The past.
Sitting up in bed with the notebook computer on my lap I should've been working on a story, but I was much too busy laughing as my wife shared a bit of juicy gossip from work. Though I hadn't met most of the people she referenced I felt like I knew them through hearing about their antics on a regular basis. Also laughing, she shut off the bathroom light and walked toward our bed while securing dark hair into a bun. Although she wore a cute pair of red panties it was her tank top that grabbed all my attention. More specifically it was the message printed in a bold font on that tank top. My mouth fell open and after studying my expression she winked.
"Do you like my shirt?" As though on a runway she posed for me. "Had it made this morning."
"I...it," I point toward the tank top, "it says 'baby on board'."
"That it does." Climbing onto the bed she knelt in front of me. "I figured since we're having one I'd advertise."
Eyes shining with tears I shut the notebook computer and placed it on the nightstand without looking away from her. "You're pregnant? It took?" Choosing an anonymous donor we had been trying for so long to get pregnant that lately we discussed adoption.
Her tears fell before mine. "Yeah, Jojo. We're having a baby. You're gonna be a mommy."
"Oh, wow." Covers thrown to the side I crawled toward her, my hands on a flat belly as I kissed her. Beginning to cry my forehead touched hers. "I love you, Mia." So elated I had to kiss her again. Her lips, her cheeks, her forehead and her nose until she playfully pushed me while laughing.
"They die," I whisper, staring out the window. "You create them, give birth to them and then they prematurely die because some evil son of a bitch decides to kidnap them and do--" Hands balled into fists I bite down on my lower lip with such vigor I'm surprised the skin doesn't break. "No child should die before their parents. That's wrong. So wrong."
"Jordan," Kelly brushes my side, wrapping an arm around my lower back, "whose room is this?"
It takes me thirty seconds to push the name from my mouth. "Kaitlyn's. This bedroom belongs--belonged to Kaitlyn."
"And who is Kaitlyn?"
Vision blurred, the memories I've been denying begin to flood my brain and because of that intense pain floods my heart. When I open my mouth to reply I taste the salt from trickling tears. "My daughter. Mia's daughter. She looked so much like her. A mini Mia." My voice sounds hoarse as though I've spent significant time screaming.
Kelly gently turns me so that we're facing each other. Warm palms on my cheeks, I notice her eyes are watery as she looks at me. "What happened to Kaitlyn, love?"
I want to pull away. I want to push the past away from me, but I don't although every part of me seems to ache. "She died. She was killed." Legs feeling like jelly I collapse to my knees, Kelly quick to join me. Folding my arms against my stomach, I rock back and forth while sobbing. I don't think I've cried this hard since the day I identified her tiny body on that slab. "We were at the park. I wasn't paying enough attention because I came up with this idea for my story and I took out my phone to type a couple notes. When I looked up Kait was gone. I searched, other parents helped me search, but it was like she just vanished and no one saw anything.
"Eight days. Eight days went by and then the police showed up at our house. I knew the moment I saw their grim expressions that she was gone." Voice cracking, I have to pause in order to collect myself. "Mia would have identified her, but I convinced her to let me do it. She was...bruises all over her and her neck...he...I wanted to kill him. More than anything I wanted to choke him."
"Was he caught?"
I nod. "But it was too late. Kaitlyn was the fifth child he had kidnapped and murdered, but it wasn't until her case the police caught a lead from a tiny bit of DNA left on her the bastard forgot to clean. With her already buried they closed in on him and he ate a bullet before they could arrest him. Too easy. He deserved to suffer more than that."
"What happened next?"
"Mia and I tried to go on, but our relationship was rocky, which I blame myself for. Closed myself off from her. Either I ignored her and said nothing or I took out my frustration on her by yelling." Although my face has to be a streaky mess I don't bother using the handkerchief tucked into my hand to wipe it. "Eventually I succeeded in pushing her away and into the comforting arms of a mutual friend."
"How did you find out?"
"You know those restaurants that offer outside dining?" Kelly nods. "I happened to be driving by one and breaking at a red light I looked over shocked to see Mia and our friend Chloe holding hands. That didn't bother me so much, but when Chloe leaned in to kiss her square on the mouth I knew something was going on between them."
"What did you do?"
"The light turned green and I continued driving. When Mia arrived home we had an explosive argument. She slapped me and though she had been unfaithful I deserved it. At that time I didn't think that though. I was pissed. I wanted something to be pissed off about because I couldn't take out my aggression on that child killing SOB, because he killed himself. So I ended up at Chloe's house and my fist ended up in Chloe's face until her roommate thankfully pulled me away."
"Thankfully?"
"I'm fairly certain I would have killed her," I reluctantly admit.
"And that is how you winded up at a psychiatric hospital."
Although that sounds like a statement I nod. "Could have been sent to prison for assault, but Chloe pled with the judge to be lenient. Figured she either felt guilty for sleeping with my wife or sympathy because I had recently lost a child. Maybe both."
"You weren't in your right mind. That was obvious. A hospital is where you need to be so you may obtain help." Kelly pauses a moment. "Jordan?"
"Yes?"
"Open your eyes, love."
I begin to frown while staring at her. "They are open."
Fingers running across my cheek Kelly soon cups my chin. "Really open your eyes. Join me where we truly are."
One final look around Kaitlyn's bedroom and I close my eyes while terminating this fantasy world I've comfortably been residing in. Upon reopening my eyes we're in the mental hospital inside my private room. Dressed in sweatpants and a T-shirt I'm in bed with a sheet and thin blanket around me. My wrists and ankles are free, which I'm grateful for since I detest those restraints. I feel tired though I've probably been out of it for quite a while. I'm not certain how much time has passed since I selected to withdraw from real life.
"Dr. O'Connor?"
The woman standing next to my bed raises an eyebrow. "You've seen every inch of my body on numerous occasions. Please call me Kelly."
I try to smile, but I don't think I succeed. "Okay. Kelly?"
"What is it, love?"
"How long have I...much time has gone by? During my dream or whatever that was the better part of a year happened." Please tell me I haven't truly missed that much time.
"Nine weeks. We've been feeding you through this," she indicates the small tube inserted in my nose, "and there's a catheter within your bladder."
"Any other tubes I should know about?"
Kelly almost smiles. "No, those two cover it. When you're able to keep down solids and go to the bathroom on your own we'll remove them."
"Kelly?"
"Hm?"
I briefly shut my eyes as she caresses my cheek. "Has Mia been here?" Despite terrible coping skills and what I did to Chloe my wife came to visit several times a week before I mentally checked out. I didn't have much to say to her, but that didn't stop her from coming even if we just sat staring at the television or outside in the garden.
Something flashes in Kelly's eyes, but it passes too quickly for me decipher what it could have been. "Yes. She's here often. In fact, she stopped by just yesterday."
"Would you please call her? Tell her I'm lucid?"
Hand dropping to her side my ex-girlfriend nods. "Sure, lov--Jordan." She offers a two-second smile. "Mia will be very happy to have you back."