"You have torn it all apart, I am watching it burn."- Burn // Hamilton the Musical
Is there any food in this stupid van? It's the only thought I can put in my head in place of Perry.
My sister's hand rests on the stick shift, no longer twitching with anxiety. Glancing to her face, I see her blank eyes flicker from the mirror to the road just like our Driver's Ed teacher taught us in Wyoming.
Both of the Californians seem to be asleep, Bob and Guad occupied by their own dark thoughts.
The bag of fruit the owner of this car left behind doesn't look particularly appetizing, so I open the glove box.
The second it's pulled open I remember all the times in recent weeks where I've had hope that my life could be normal again. And all those hopes slowly fall to the ground once again.
A thick and folded piece of paper falls out of the glove box onto my lap. "Gee I wonder who this could be from," I snide.
With nervous interest, Guad, Bob, and Janis suddenly begin to pay attention to what I have to say.
Unfolding the piece of paper, I quickly find it's a large map with a highlighted route from Bogota, Colombia to San Diego, California.
"Well I guess we're not asking for directions," I say, holding it out in front of me. From what I can tell in the next 15 minutes from signs out on the road and the map together, we are on the right highway.
In the bottom right hand corner of the map the insignia is stamped, just along the coast of Brazil.
And of course, along with it is a message.
"Stole this from an HQ before they caught onto me," I read. "Yes they know about Wallace. Don't listen to whatever they tell you. Just get to America. Hope this map will help you. See you at the ball game." Below it in fancy calligraphy is an embellished "A."
Before saying anything, we all glance to the Whites. We were right. We shouldn't have listened to Delgato's men.
Part of me wants to wake Perry up just to yell, "I told you so! Look where we'd be now if we'd listened to you!"
But another part of me wants to comfort because now we know that the largest chance lies in his parents being dead.
With these two parts of my mind dominating for control, another part of me, a small one, reminds me this is the only boy I've ever kissed. I can't let him go through my anger or his own grief. For now he needs to sleep.
No one wants to be woken up and told their parents are dead. I certainly didn't.
"Is Ashton okay?" Janis is the first to make any comment. Outside the window, the stars still shine, but I know that the sun has to rise in a few hours.
"Who knows at this point?" I sigh. folding the map and shoving it in my backpack.
"You should," Janis points out, answering my rhetorical question. "You and Perry heard him in that building. On your... date."
Bob snorts behind us at how uncomfortable my twin is. Is he serious? Oh wait, he's Bob of course he is.
I try to change the subject as best I can. "Well Ashton's certainly blown his cover at HEXA, he even admitted so himself. So did someone from that building he was in."
"Obviously," Guad's low voice speaks up, "he was well enough to know what car we we'd be stealing and got that map in here."
"Can we even trust Ashton though?" Janis asks the age old question, her eyes still focused on the road ahead. "I mean, he gave us a bugged car, and he's worked for HEXA for years. His tattoo is plastered on the back of his neck like a flag."
My fingers fumble with one another. "Of course we can trust him," I say uncertainly. "He worked with dad and that PHIE organization against HEXA for almost as long. Why wouldn't we be able to trust him?"
Janis takes her gaze from the road long enough to make eye contact with me. We're both thinking the same thing: Because we might not even be able to trust Dad.
"Is there anything else in that container thing?" Asks Guad. Does he mean the glove box? He clasps his hands on my seat. I don't have the guts to tell him that peering over me is annoying because I don't know how often he's even ridden in a car since his parents died anyways.
Reaching my hand back in, it doesn't take me long to snatch a bundle of papers. It's probably just the car manual, I think.
That theory is dropped the second I pull out the papers and see my face on them.
"What?" Is the only eloquent speech I can create.
Fumbling through them, I easily find they're carefully filled out immigration papers, fake passports included. Somehow I've forgotten we're going to cross the border to the United States at all. I never thought we'd get this far.
On top of the whole bundle is a sticky note with another message from Ashton.
"And," I read, "I got for you chaps. Thought they might be useful.- A"
Under it is yet another sticky note. The entire square is covered by a crude drawing of a circle kind of like the insignia, but different. This has stars lining the border and shooting out of the center. I'm sure I've never seen it before. I'm 100% positive. But I can't shake a familiar sense that I know it.
I chuck that note to the floor, making sure the rest of the squad doesn't see it.
"Paper," says Bob. He nods his head up and down, pretending to be impressed. "Cool."
Sometimes I forget Bob and Guad lived in a shack and that one of them can't read.
"To get us home. They wouldn't let us in without these," I explain briefly.
"Did Ashton get them from HEXA?" Asks Guad.
My eyes return to the horrible sketched symbol on the floor.
"Who else?" I lie.
. . .
The night consumes Guad and Bob too until Janis and I are the only left awake. Just like old times.
"Are you okay?" My sister asks.
The immigration papers poke out of my backpack as it rests against my foot. My converse are worn and have a huge open hole. 3 months ago that would have been the greatest of my problems.
"Am I okay? Are you talking about Perry?" I ask.
"Well I'm definitely not talking about Guad," she laughs.
It isn't all that funny. "I'm fine. I guess. You know. I'll keep on living. Probably. I think I should just let loose. I'll be-"
"Alice?"
"Yes?" I bite my lip.
"He was being a jerk," she states. "Especially since he probably just kissed you."
It all sounds so weird coming from my technically younger sister. "Hmmmpashgesh," I reply intelligently.
Another short lived chuckle before her face turns to sincerity once more. "I can't believe him."
"Janis it's fine-"
"No it's not!" She exclaims. I want to remind her to keep her voice down. The last thing I want is for one of the squad to wake up and hear us. "You're not happy right now and it's his fault!"
"But, Janis I had one of the best nights of my life. And that was his fault too."
She sighs, using her non-driving hand to fiddle with our mother's wedding ring. "So it's complicated."
"But what about you?" I ask. "You and Bob went out. Was he as weird as normal?"
Her eyes become squinty and her face threatens to show the slightest hint of red. "He's okay."
"Okay?"
"Yeah, you know."
"Well then that settles it."
"He used to come often here. Or there, I guess. To Guayabitos," she adds.
"He has been a lot of places," I agree, yawning. It has to be around 1:30 or 2.
Another sigh escapes from Janis. Her mouth opens to speak for a second. Then closes. Then opens.
"HEXA's done a lot to him," she says at last.
Glancing back to him, I watch the way his longish brown hair flops over his face. His torn blue sweater hangs over his lean frame. His physique suggests he would have been stronger without HEXA.
Because once I look closer, I can see the barcode on his left arm, small scars covering his skin, ones that aren't from running through the jungle.
Be besides that he could be anyone. His face doesn't give away much.
My eyes accidentally catch Perry, and I quickly look back to Janis.
"I just don't want him to get hurt," I whisper. Silence. "Perry," I add, in case she thought I was talking about Bob.
"He's the one who hurt your feelings," reminds Janis. She sounds confused though, as if him hurting my feelings would make me hate him forever.
"That wasn't his intent."
"You know as much as I do that it isn't the intent that matters," Janis mutters dangerously.
A deep breath escapes me, like one does every time we have this conversation. "I know."
"I'm sure she didn't want to- to leave Dad at first."
"Janis-"
"Of course, we'll never know."
"Now is really not the time-"
"I'm just saying to be careful!"
Although it's embarrassing, my mouth drops open. "Janis."
"I-"
We sit for a haunting second, the deep jungle passing by us, melting into a coarse desert, like in Chile. My sister's eyes hint at a bright blue, even in the abyss around us.
"I will always be on your side, Alice," she breathes at last.
"I know."
"Even if your side is 100,000 miles away I'll be on it."
I know. It's a thought this time. In going through all this hell, maybe I think I've lost everything, but I don't want to view this that way. I still have Janis. And as long as I have Janis we can work our way around it. We could climb any mountain, fight any battle... deal with anything from the past.
And despite how much I've lost since I left since we left Wyoming, there's a crucial person I've gained.
Perry.