March 11, 2016.
Dear Sean,
Do you know how long I've loved you? Perhaps not. I hope not. And if you do, I hope you don't know just how much I love you because then I would surely die.
R.I.P
Vanessa Stewart
Sunrise December 25, 1999- Sunset today
Died of embarrassment
See, doesn't look so good on my tombstone now, does it?
I was so young at the time, but I knew what I felt for you that day wasn't anything as petty as a crush. You, my friend, are my first love, you'll always be and nothing can change that.
I was only six. Mom brought me to work with her, funny, just so happened your mom brought you too! Instant friends. We were like peanut butter and jam, though, you were allergic to peanut butter, so we changed it. We were like a pirates with treasure. And you told me I'm too pretty to be a pirate. You said I was treasure. Your treasure.
I remember how we played games every day! 'Angent Sean coming through,' you paused to look around, 'Angent Vanessa come on, they're gonna steel the DoppleStopper 2.0 if you move so slower, come on!' You used to tease me about my hair, and I used to tease you about your glasses and how short you were. Funny you should know, I may need to get glasses now myself.
I always found it hard to tell, did I live at your house? Or did you live at mine? We were always in either house and each time we were never alone. Always together, never apart. And there was always something about myself I noticed when I was by myself those few times. I smiled less. You were the light of my life and I was only eight.
You were always the first person to tell me good morning or happy birthday or anything. "Happy birthday Treasure! Finally 11! How does it feel?"
I would tell you to shut up. We were only 19 days apart Sean. But to answer your question, it felt great. Not only did I turn 11, but you offered to watch my favourite shows with me and we both fell asleep on the living room floor. You had your head on my lap, but I never complained about it. You seemed comfortable and, well, so was I.
What happened Sean? Can you tell me? I really would love to know. I knew you would never reciprocate my feelings for you, so I never expected you to at all. In fact, I was quite content with the friendly hugs everday and the kisses on my forehead whenever I felt extremely sad. So tell me Sean, what happened to us? The friendly us? You just started to drift away from me. Or more like you flew away. Because the kisses stopped. The hugs stopped. The visits, the phone calls, it was like you had died. Our parents still kept contact, but not even once you were brought up, but I did hear them refer to me one or two times. I was so angry with you, I hated you, I despised you and I swore to do it with every fibre of my being. And I did. My friends never dared mention your name while I was around. It would piss me off all day. I mean, who wouldn't be pissed off that their best friend just disappeared? You want to know the worse part? Why I hated you? You were just going to the school literally a stone's throw away from mine, and not even an hello.
I knew you went there, but I never saw you. Not even when mom took me to work. So can you imagine how surprised I was to find you spinning in my office? (Well the office Mr. Hall had given me cause I was always there and it wasn't being used anyway.) "Hey Angelle!" 'Hey Vanessa!?' That's all you can say to me after almost three years Sean?! And like butter on a hot Texas street, all the hate and despite, the malice I had for you melted away when I looked in your soft brown sugar eyes behind those thin framed glasses. You want to know why? Its because I still loved you. All those years I spent hating you and what was the damn purpose? When I knew that even if it were thirty years that had passed instead of three, if you had called me I would have dropped everything and dance to the beat of your drum.
I would do anything for you.
Things were not the same as they used to, after all we were both now almost fourteen, somethings just had to change. You and I had both grown up, but only a little for me, you got alot taller though, I stand proudly barely scraping 4"6 and you stood in your 5"5 glory. In all that handsome glory. I never loved you just because you were cute. I loved you because you were kind to me, you put me as your number one priority, you called me sweat names like Treasure, you always made time for me and you always made me feel better about myself. I really just loved you. What was funny though, was that over the few months that we took to repair or friendship, after we had made an even stronger bond than before, after (even though I thought it was oh, so impossible) I fell even more for you, you left again. Why Sean? Why? Are you really that selfish? Did you know about my feelings all along? Were you playing with me? Tell me Sean, please?
I promised myself that history wasn't going to repeat itself. I did. So I sat down and just thought about my present. My future. My... Past. It was hard to look back there because not only were you there, it was also where I finally realised how I've been subconsciously waiting for you to reciprocate my feelings. It's where I realised how many times I turned down good guys for your sake, how I always did my hair so it could be worn down because I knew how much you loved the loose strands to play with, how I always had cheerios and never sweets because they weren't good for you, how much of a god forsaken fool I am, since I'm not even good enough to be your friend. I loved you too much for my own good. So I decided to forget about you for real this time. Since hating doesn't work. I packed up everything in the house and put them in a box, I deleted your number and blocked you from all my social media. I wasn't going to get hurt again. Not if had a say in things. I took that box of yours into my room and sat it down in the middle before I let the first tear fall. 'Sean West, this is the last time that you're gonna break my heart.'
Of course it was it wasn't easy letting go, and moving on. But I had to if I ever wanted to live my life, it had to be done.
I was happy and I looked less pale, that beautiful complexion coming back to my skin, the sparkle returning in my brown eyes, I was smiling all the time like my usual self. Sean, I fixed me. I was glad. I was happy.
Then I saw you.
Why do you always come back when I had made progress?
I was just walking through the hotel lobby. What were you doing here? And why were we twinning? You leaned in for a quick hug, It felt a little too long but it's a good thing your girlfriend came and ripped you off of me. Girlfriend. Well it was obvious the way she clung to your arm and gave me the stink eye. If looks could kill, i would have already been decomposed. Sean, do you want to know what had happened to my resolve? My sense of accomplishment? My will to forget about you. Gone. You broke me again. But you didn't do it on your own. Your girlfriend had decided to make my life miserable the whole vacation. Throwing herself all over you. Um hello? We We're all fifteen, almost 16. You don't need to dry hump him at the pool. And Sean, your not innocent in this either. Do you remember by the pool? That night? The moon was spilling it's soft light on your face and you told me words that killed me, brought me life, and then slaughtered me. "Vanessa. I love you." I love you too Sean you've only been my best friend forever. "No, I love you, like love you alot. Ever since we were six, Treasure, my treasure." You sure had a way of showing it.
You told me how your mother had said we were like family so you shouldn't see me in that light. You told me everything Sean. Everything. And it broke me. But you know what twisted the knife? When you kissed the corners of my lips and said goodnight.
I fought with all my will not to kiss you back, because as much as I wanted to, you had a girlfriend. You also let someone else determine who you love. And that was not the Sean I fell in love with. So I kissed you on the corners of your lips, and barely pecked your lips and I told you goodbye. I walked away while I let the tears fall. But I felt relived when I went to bed that night. And I felt amazing when I woke up and got ready to leave the hotel. Somehow I knew in my heart that I would always love you. You are my first love afterall. But I knew that now it was a differnt kind of love.
You may never read this, and if you do, you'll never know and I'll never know. But I want you to know that I love you so much. Always have, always will. You broke me and fixed me, and now you've completely healed me even though you don't know you have. I can move on now, like you have. Thank you Sean West.
I will always be there when you need me.
Your best friend,
With love,
-Vanessa❤