(A/N : Hello pretty readers. I've been long away. So to cover it up I have loads of updates for you. Just in case you forgot where the story was going, I have a little recap for you. So Stacey and Raymond had planned a little party for Ashley where they had invited Jason as a surprise for her. Then Raymond takes her to the poolside where they sit and talk and out of nowhere he asks her if she really loved him. And here we go! Happy Reading!)
Did he just ask me if I really loved him? What was wrong with him?
"Yes."
"I believe you, Snow." He let out a deep disturbed sigh and lookd away.
"What is it?" I asked him, stroking the back of his hand with my thumb.
"Don't get me wrong, Snow. This thought just crossed my mind last night." He looked at me and I urged him to go ahead.
"Snow, you always say that I have changed your life and I have done so much for you that you're thankful to me and that I make you so happy and all. I was just wondering if this is all your way of returning the favour."
I took a sharp breath as I heard him say that. My mouth fell open and I stared at him, shell-shocked.
"Baby, I must be over-thinking. I'm sorry, but with you, I speak out every thought I have."
I didn't know what to say.
"Snow? I'm wrong, ain't I?"
I got up and held his hand by the wrist, helping him up too and dragged him into the mansion. I avoided going through the backyard, not wanting to draw everybody's attention.
He didn't say a word. Nor did I.
~~~Raymond's P.O.V.~~~
She led me into her house and up the stairs. Bolting into her room, she pushed me hard so I landed on her bed. I stayed there, not knowing what to say or how to react. For the first time, I couldn't understand what was going on in Snow's head.
She opened a drawer and took a journal out of it.
Her diary.
Blush.
Till date, I had only heard from her that she wrote a diary. As much as I wanted to, I never asked her to let me read it.
She flipped through pages before handing it to me.
"Read." She ordered.
No wanting to infuriate her, I did as I was told.
3 Days Gone.
Blush.
I remember I was nine when G. gifted me this diary. I named you Blush then. But I have never had this need to badly talk to someone since then.
Now I do.
I have to get it all out of me.
It was my birthday before 3 days. Like every year, Stace and I partyed at midnight. I woke up late that day since it was a Saturday and there was no school.
Mom had organised a party that evening and I was told to invite all our friends and neighbours. So as soon as I was up and ready, Stace and I set off on our bikes to the neighbourhood. She took on our left and I took the right.
I started with Derek's place. He was Jason's best friend and we went along quite well. I rang the doorbell a couple of times but no one opened up. Assuming that nobody was home, I turned to leave when a voice called out from inside the house.
"Who is it?" A man said in a throaty voice.
"It's me, Ashley, from next door." I chimed.
The door swung open and Derek's father stood there with a wicked grin on his face.
"Are you one of Derek's friends from school?" He asked, looking at me up and down.
"Yeah. We are in the same class. Actually, it's my birthday today and we're having a little party at my place this evening. So I was here to invite him." I went on, "Would you mind conveying my message to him?"
He didn't seem to register a word I spoke because he said, "Come on in. I wouldn't want to let the birthday girl leave without offering some courtesy."
I entered the house hesitantly as I said, "It's fine, really."
All I had heard from Derek about his father was that he was a Research Assistant at a laboratory in the outskirts of town and that he often stayed at the laboratory quarters and was hardly home. I wondered why he was there that day.
I sat on the couch in the living room as he fiddled with something in the kitchen, which was an open one just across the living area. He came back with a glass of lemonade. Handing it to me, he sat down beside me.
As I took a sip from my drink, he moved from his place and came closer to me. I shifted in my place, gulping down the entire glass in one go.
I was about to get up when I sensed a hand on my lower back. I glared at him and stood up.
"What the hell?" I spat.
"Ah, you little rebel. You'll be fun." He gave me a sly smile, took hold of my wrist and pulled me to sit on his lap.
I struggled, trying to get up.
But he held both my hands behind my back so tight I couldn't move them.
He brought his face closer to mine and tried to kiss me.
I shook my head from side to side, in an attempt to move him away from me.
To my dismay, it only infuriated him.
He now adjusted his hold so that he gripped both my hands with his one hand and his free hand was clutching at my face so hard a scream escaped my mouth.
"Quiet down, you rebel."
I spitted on him.
Once. Twice. Thrice.
Till he finally let go off my hand to wipe his face.
I took it as my chance and ran to the door.
But he caught me.
And pulled me.
And threw me on the couch.
Then he came and sat on me, his legs on both my sides.
I screamed at the weight on my stomach.
I held his collar and tried to push him away.
He took my hands and pinned them above my head.
And bent down.
Kissing me. Sucking me.
While tears escaped my eyes uncontrollably.
I kicked his ass. And kept on kicking him till he finally rose up to glare at me.
I took the glass I kept on the center table earlier and smashed it on his head.
He let out a painful groan and fell from the couch.
I helped myself up, struggling to hurry out of the house.
But he blocked me. One hand on his bleeding head and the other advancing towards me.
I stepped back, looking around.
I spotted the kitchen. It had a U-shaped platform.
Something struck me and I ran to the kitchen. He chased me.
He was in the kitchen, a few steps away from me.
I climbed up the lower end of the kitchen platform and jumped off to its other side while he fell on his stomach in the middle of the platform attempting to get up.
I burst towards the door, glancing back, making sure he wasn't behind me to stop me again.
I saw him letting his hand out for something to hold on to when he accidently placed his hand on the electric switch board.
He screamed.
So loud and shrill I had to cover my ears.
He screamed. And screamed. And kept on screaming.
I rushed out of the place.
Ran straight home.
And locked myself in the room.
I sat on the bed, pressing my face in my knees as I cried.
Shivered.
Everything rolled in my mind over and over again.
I didn't know what to do.
I cried for hours and hours before sleep took me over.
I was woken up by Stace shaking me hard. She looked worried.
So did Joey, Jase, G. and Sam.
"Are you okay, Ashie?" Stace asked me.
"Leave me alone." Was all I said before putting the blanket over my head and curling up into a ball.
They left me alone. All but Stace.
I turned to look at her. She frowned at me. I could see the reflection of my tear stained face in her eyes.
"Go, Stace." I managed to say.
"But the party's about to start. You haven't even changed yet. C'mon! I'll help you get ready."
"No!" I shrieked as she tried to pull off the blanket.
"I DON'T WANT TO GET READY! AND I DON'T WANT ANY PARTY!"
She left the room without saying a word.
I lay there, staring at the ceiling.
Hours passed.
I heard the door unlock late after midnight. It was Stace.
She changed her clothes and lay by my side.
"Are you awake?" She asked me. I didn't answer but she could see my open eyes so she said, "Derek's father died with an electric shock."
I sprung up and left the room.
I went to Mom and Dad's room and knocked. Mom opened the door.
"Oh dear, where have you been?" She asked me.
"I need to talk to you." I said.
"Can't it wait a few hours Ashley? It's almost one a.m."
"Is sleep more important than your daughter Mom?"
"Don't you get there," she said in a stern voice. "Besides, we have to attend the neighbour's funeral tomorrow." And with that she shut the door on my face.
I swallowed hard and left.
I went to G.'s room and knocked repeatedly. He didn't open but I could hear his voice from inside so I banged the door harder.
"What the fuck?"
"I need to talk to you G."
"Can't you see what time it is?" He shut the door too.
Dad wasn't home.
Nor was Nicole.
I didn't feel like talking to Stace.
I didn't know what to do.
I went to the bathroom and took a hot shower.
Then I sat quietly in the dark of the living room. Waiting for the time to pass.
I couldn't think of anything but the man's face and his filthy hands on me.
His screams still echoed in my ears.
Sunlight crept inside the room announcing the beginning of the day. I rose up and saw Mom entering the kitchen.
"Mom?" I said.
"Later, Ashley." She said, busy making her coffee.
"But I need you." And I broke into tears.
"I SAID LATER! And don't you shed crocodile tears in front of me thinking I will melt." She was off to her room.
I sat there and cried my eyes out.
A few hours passed.
And I went to Mom's room which was now open. She sat at her dressing table doing her hair.
"Mom?"
She hummed in response.
"Derek's father," I gulped, searching for the right words to say. "He.. he tried to.." I sighed. "He tried to molest me."
"Is that the way you talk about a dead person?" She had no feeling in her voice.
No worry. No surprise. No compassion.
No affection. No sensitivity.
Nothing at all.
"He sexually abused me! Does it affect you?" I raised my voice.
"Is that all?" She looked at my reflection in the mirror.
"I AM YOUR DAUGHTER, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!" I yelled.
But I was pulled by my arm and swung around to meet G.
"Go bore someone else with your rubbish, little sister." And he pushed me out of the room. I fell on my knees.
Nicole, who had just entered home, threw her bag aside and helped me up.
"Are you okay, sweetie?"
I shook my head and started crying. She led me to her room, brought me a glass of water and rubbed my back.
"What's wrong, sweetie?"
And I told her everything.
Nicole patiently heard me as I let everything out.
"Karma served him," she said.
"I don't know what to do, Nicole. I feel so worthless."
"It's going to be okay, sweetie."
I told her about Mom and what she did and said and how she reacted. Nicole said nothing to that.
I still didn't feel good. Nothing comforted me.
Everybody went and attended the funeral. Nicole stayed home with me.
I lay in her lap when Stace came and said, "Ashie, please talk to me."
Nicole looked between me and her daughter.
"I'm okay, Stace." I lied.
That was my first lie to her.
And that was the moment.
That was the moment I realised what I wanted.
I didn't want sympathy. I didn't want compassion.
I wanted out.
I couldn't be myself anymore.
I got up and went to my room, locked it and sat cross-legged on the bed, staring out of the window.
Thinking.
Blush, I had been sitting there thinking for fourteen hours now.
And this is what I thought.
I am going away from here.
From all these heartless, insensitive people. I don't want to live between a bunch of people who don't care about me or understand me or believe me.
But then again, if I run away, I will be showing them that I am a coward.
No. I can't do that.
I have to stay here.
Transform.
Show them that I don't care either.
Show them who I can be.
Be the girl I am not.
Yes, that's what I will do.
Blush, I needed to write it down.
Make myself believe what I wanted.
I know I am not strong enough. I know I will need to remind myself that I have to fight harder.
And I will need you then.
To be there with me.
Because I don't expect anyone else to.
4 Days Gone.
Blush. I went to school today.
Pretending that everything was normal.
That I was normal.
I'm trying hard here.
I have to burry the old Ashley deep inside of me.
I met Derek today but I couldn't talk to him. I didn't even want to. I spent time with Jase instead.
10 Days Gone.
Derek said something that shook me completely today.
"I know you were there." He said, looking at me directly in the eye.
I looked away, "What are you talking about?"
"I know you were there when Dad got the electric shock."
I walked away withour giving him an answer.
Blush, what was that?
Why is it so hard for people to just leave me alone?
To just let me be!
18 Days Gone.
I'm in New York, Blush.
With Zach.
Because I needed him.
I needed a person to speak to.
1 Month Gone.
Blush, I am going to stop counting now.
If I really need to change, to become someone else and forget all that happened, then I need to stop thinking about it altogether.
I need to stop counting how many days passed and how many people remember my condition or how I feel.
It's killing me.
Dad came last night from work and asked me how everything was going.
I told him all was perfect.
I lied to him too, Blush.
And I have to continue lying to everybody.
This is how I will be.
Blush!
Its going good.
Better than I thought.
I try to keep myself busy all the time. Indulged in something or the other so that I have no time to think about anything.
Jase is a great help. He's always there with me. I spend most of my time with him.
And Stace is the sweetest.
I know I'm not doing justice to her friendship. But I try not to think about it. She doesn't mind either.
Every now and then she makes plans for us and does things that make me happy.
So yeah.
I feel good.
Love you,
Ashley S.
Blush.
It's my birthday today.
Its been a year.
I know I had told you I will stop counting but this is an easy count, yeah?
So my plan today is to run away. Yes, I'm going to New York.
Because I think it's better to spend my time with someone I matter to.
I can't be here, honestly.
It feels like this place and these people will eat me up any second.
And I need out.
Love you,
Ashley S.
I shut the diary close and looked at her.
And I could see it all.
I could see her trying to escape from that man's hold.
I could see her watching him die.
I could hear his screams too.
I could see her laying awake, staring into nothing, hours passing by.
I could see her heartless mother and her equally insensitive brother.
I could see her best friend trying to get her to talk.
I could see her withdrawal from feelings.
I could see her sitting in the corner of her room, writing.
I could see her turn herself off to the world.
I could see the world with her hurting heart and cold eyes.
And now, I could see myself in her eyes.
I went closer to her and hugged her.
Keeping her tight in my arms.
Closest to me and farthest from anyone else.
I would never let anyone hurt her ever again.
"Ray?" She said in a small voice. "I don't let anyone in my life so easily. But you're a part of it. So know that you're worth it."
I felt my shirt dampening where her face was.
"I'm sorry Snow. I'm sorry for everything." I breathed into her hair, pressing her to me.
She cried weakly and I didn't stop her.
She needed to get it out of her.
In person and not on paper.
We stayed like that for long and then I got her into bed. She lay on her side and gazed at me.
"Stay with me." She held my hand.
"I'm always with you, Snow." I lay on my side parallel to her.
I stroked her hair, caressed her beautiful face and she kept her hand on my face.
We stared at each other.
Not saying a word.
Because love didn't need words.
And I loved her.
More than anyone else ever has.
More than anyone else ever would.