26. A Mother’s Lie, A Photo’s Truth
It was so dark in the attic that I had to trip on everything at least once and break what must have been an old lamp just to find the light chain. When I finally found it, I turned it on, and a yellow murky light lit up the room. There were a bunch of cardboard boxes everywhere, along with an old-looking leather chair and about three floor lamps; one of which I had knocked over and broken in my search for the light. Everything was covered in a thick layer of dust. I walked over to the closest box to me and opened it. Nothing useful was in there, just some old sports jerseys that I assumed use to belong to Ben. Closing it back up, I wandered around the attic, opening box after box in search of pictures. I found a few. They were of Ben and some unfamiliar faces of friends. None of them looked like they could be related to me. However, I did find of picture of Ben when he was a child. He was at a beach, standing next to two boys and a smiling woman behind them, her arms wrapped around all three boys.
Ben was in the middle, looking around ten years old, his hair a lighter reddish orange than it was now. To his left looked a boy to be around fourteen, his hair the same color as mine, but his eyes brown like Ben’s. The little boy to the right of Ben, however, who only looked to be about six years old, had both brown hair and brown eyes, only a slight tint of orange in his hair. The woman behind them, though, had emerald green eyes like me. Even though her hair was brown, she looked so much like Ben and the other two boys. Maybe this could have been my grandmother? Maybe that’s where I had gotten my eyes! She had to be my grandmother! The other two boys must have been my uncles. I couldn’t help but wonder where they could be.
As I scattered through more photos, I kept an eye out for anyone with copper orange hair or emerald eyes. I found a photo of what must have been my grandfather. The six-year-old boy and Ben were at a baseball stadium, standing at the sides of a man with brown eyes and copper orange hair that was about two shades darker than my hair. I would ask Ben the names of my uncles and grandparents later.
I rummaged through three more boxes and had found about ten photos of my family. It turned out that green eyes skipped a generation. So since Ben nor any of my uncles had green eyes, I would end up with them. What made me feel a little sad was the fact that not a single one of them seemed familiar. Hadn’t I ever met any of them? Come to think of it, I haven’t ever met any of my cousins, or aunts, or uncles. Ben was the only family I’ve ever met. I wanted to be able to meet the rest of my family. Pushing the thoughts aside, I opened up another box. Inside, there were many pictures of my parents. Actually, they were all photos of Ben and my mom.
The first photo I had picked up was my mom on her wedding day, standing by herself under an arch of flowers in a beautiful white dress. Her hair was pinned up in a fancy flower bun, her eyes dancing with joy. Everyone had always said that I looked exactly like her, but I had always thought that she was much prettier. But just out of curiosity, I looked at the picture and imagined her eyes green and her hair copper orange. Could that possibly be me one day? I set the photo gently down to the side. I wasn’t going to use it for my project, though. I wanted to keep it for myself. The next few pictures were my mom standing next to people who looked like her, the same brown hair and brown eyes. Maybe this could be my mother’s side of the family. I decided to use a few for my project. However, after a few pictures, I had found a photo that made me stare at it wide eyed.
My mother and father were hugging each other close their noses touching, their lips just an inch away. They seemed so . . . happy. If they were this happy, why did they ever split up? However, it wasn’t their happy, loving moment that made me stare in shock, it was the background behind them. There were snow capped mountains, and the northern lights were frozen in dance against the starry sky. They were in Alaska. They had gotten married in Alaska. My mom had always said that they were married in New York, and they had stayed in New York. Maybe the picture was just photo-shopped. But I had found it hard to believe.
The next few pictures were of their wedding, and the rest were of them on their honeymoon and the times before they had me. My forehead creased in confusion. I had found a picture where they were standing in front of a house, this house! However, back then, the house was nicer. There was a fresh coat of mint-colored paint, the picket fence was new, and the grass was green, lush, and trimmed. The next photo was my mother reading a book on the swinging bench outside. Her hair was tucked behind her ears and she was wearing her reading glasses, not even noticing the camera. Ben must have taken the picture because there was a thumb covering a corner of the lens. But these photos had only begun to raise my suspicion.
I walked towards the corner of the attic. I had found a white hanging plastic bag covered in dust. Out of curiosity, I opened it. There was a white dress inside. I pulled it out, a slight gasp escaping my lips. It was my mother’s wedding dress, still in perfect condition! I brushed my fingers gently across the silky fabric, staring in awe. Putting it back inside the bag, I looked at the rest of the corner. There was a crib, a rocking chair, and a single, small, cardboard box sitting on top of the rocking chair. Why was there only one? And why was it so small? What was a crib doing here? My mom had always said . . . Could she have been lying to me?
I carefully picked up the small cardboard box and opened it up. Inside, there were baby toys, and at the way bottom, a brown leather photo album. I picked up a small pink rattle, shaking it. The rattle of beads echoed off the walls. I put it aside and grabbed an old looking stuffed duck. These must have been mine when I was little. My mom had said that as soon as I had turned three, I didn’t need them anymore. Maybe Ben had kept my stuff? It seemed likely, because I had never really ever seen any of my toys from when I was a baby.
Come to think of it, I hadn’t ever really seen any picture from when I was a baby. Just a few from when my mom was still in the hospital. There hadn’t been a single photo that had Ben in it. It wasn’t until I came here to Alaska that I had first seen what Ben looked like. “It’s better if you don’t know him, Clair.” My mom would say. I gave a sigh as I looked at toy after toy, bib after bib, and bottle after bottle one by one.
I had finally reached the bottom. The leather-bound photo album wasn’t dusty. Actually, nothing from the box, or even the box itself, was dusty. It was as though someone had already gone through this box. Maybe Ben had been . . . ? Nah, I doubt it. I reached inside and picked it up. The album was thin and light. What I couldn’t understand was: one, how come the photos were in an album when all of the other photos were just piled on top of one another? And two, why did it feel so light? Even when I was holding a stack of photos, they seemed heavier than the album. Maybe there weren’t many photos. Ben had only been in my life for three years, so any photos of him with me were very few, right?
I flipped open the cover. The first two photos on the page were of my mom when she was pregnant. In one, she was lying on the sofa downstairs, gently caressing her stomach. Her hair was longer, just past her shoulders, and she was smiling a radiant smile, but her eyes were on her big stomach, nothing but love in them. The corners of my mouth twitched up into a slight smile. In the second picture, she was standing with Ben behind her, his hands on her pregnant belly, and her hands on top of his. Ben was giving my mother a kiss on her cheek while she laughed. They looked like they really loved each other.
As I flipped to the next page, I saw two pages worth of photos of me when I was barely born. Wrapped in a pink blanket with a tag on my right wrist, sitting in a box-like crib from the hospital. I had a full head of bright copper orange hair. Then there was one of Ben holding me, adoration in his eyes. My eyes were closed but I was gripping his finger tightly in my small hand. Then there was one of my mother holding me, still lying on the hospital bed, and Ben by her side. My eyes were open, a bright emerald green. They looked lighter than they were now.
As for the rest of the pictures, they varied anywhere from the first day I got home from the hospital, my first and second birthdays, the first time I stood up, my first steps, and the first time I cut my hair to me drawing pictures, riding a tricycle, Ben reading me a story book, me sitting on my mother’s lap on the swinging bench outside, and Ben spinning me on the tire swing outside. The last picture in the album, and I think the last picture we took as a family, was one of all three of us. We were at the beach. It was night.
I looked about three years old, being held in my mothers arms, pointing up to the northern lights that painted the sky with an enormous smile on my face. Mom was looking straight at the camera with a small smile, what looked like worry in her eyes. It was barely noticeable. As for Ben, he had an arm awkwardly around my mothers waist, looking down at both of us with a proud smile on his face but his eyes mirrored my mother’s. Ben had that adoring look in his eyes, but my mother didn’t. What had happened? Could this had been around the time that they split up? But more importantly, why were we in Alaska? The lights weren’t visible in New York, and all of this pictures had been taken right here in this house. Mom had said that we had always lived in New York, that Ben had chosen to leave us and go to Alaska. But all three of us were right here, in Butte. I couldn’t understand. Why would she lie to me? I didn’t want to believe it, but these photos didn’t lie.
The door below slammed shut, and I heard Jack barking gleefully downstairs. “Clair?” Ben called out. “Coming!” I replied. I got up and dusted myself off, putting the box back on top of the rocking chair. My fingers lingered on the box for a moment, my eyes staring at the leather album. I had to get my answers. I quickly grabbed the photos I picked out for my project, walked towards the door, and went down the ladder. Ben was waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs, a smile on his face. “Did you find anything?” He asked. I nodded. “Yeah, I found lots.” I said, showing him the stack of photos. “I have a lot of questions to ask you about some of these people.”
“Sure.” He said, walking to the table and gesturing me to follow. I followed him and took a seat beside him. The important questions, the questions about our family, gnawed inside me, begging to be answered. I would set them aside until later. “What do you want to ask?” I grabbed the first photo I found, the one of Ben with his brothers and his mother. “Who are they?” I asked, pointing to the boys. “Well, the one in the middle is your old man.” He chuckled. “This is Daniel.” He said, pointing to the fifteen-year-old. “And this is Andrew.” He pointed to the six-year-old.
“The woman behind you guys; she’s my grandmother, right?” Ben nodded. “That’s your Grandmother Lillian.” He said. “Where is she?” I asked. “She’s in a retirement home with your Grandpa Joe somewhere in California. Alaska got too cold for them. As for your uncles, Andrew lives in New Orleans with his wife. He never did have any kids. But your Uncle Daniel is living somewhere in Arizona. They never did like the cold, or Alaska. They left as soon as they had the chance.” So I had never had the chance to meet them. “I want to be able to see them one day.” I said.
“Maybe one day, kiddo. Just not right now. After all, Andrew’s a drunk. The ass got me into beer, too. Got me into so many problems because of it . . .” Ben drifted off, sadness creeping into his eyes. “Are you okay, Dad?” I asked. He nodded stiffly. “Yeah, course I am.” For the next half hour, we went through pictures. He told me the names of all of my family members, every single one that could be found within the photos. He became uneasy as soon as some of the wedding pictures. I couldn’t blame him, I did too. Sadness filled both of us as we looked at my mom. I couldn’t believe she was gone. Tears threatened to spill but I held them back. We were on the last picture when I couldn’t hold back the question any longer. “Dad, I saw pictures of us when I was a baby. We were in Alaska, but Mom had always said that we had always been in New York until you decided to leave us and come here. I want to know the truth. What happened, why did you spilt up, why did she lie, and why did you leave me?” My voice trembled as I spoke. Ben grew quiet.
“She told you I left you and came here, did she?” He asked. I nodded. He sounded surprised and hurt, but not angry. Sadness was his only expression. “I never left you.” He said. “It was such a long time ago. Me and your mother were having problems with our marriage. It was my fault. Me and my drinking. She said if I kept it up I would end up putting both of you in danger, mainly you. And when the day came, she would leave me. I didn’t think I could actually hurt you two, or that your mother would actually leave with you. But I was proved wrong.” His voice began to tremble at the last sentence. I was confused.
“One day, I had been in charge of taking care of you while your mother went to visit a friend’s house for the day. She didn’t come back until late at night. However, I had went out to the bar for a drink, and I had brought you with me. You stayed in the car the entire night until I came back. And when I did, I was drunk. I remember you were crying so much. I couldn’t take it anymore so I hit you.” He winced at the memory. I couldn’t move, couldn’t speak. “So I drove home. You were in the back seat, so I thought it would be fine. But I ended up crashing. The cops had arrested me and called up your mother. She was frantic. I knew that she was going to leave, but I didn’t think that she was going to move to the other side of the country! I didn’t think that she was going to keep me away from you!”
Tears lined his eyes, ready to spill at any moment. “She didn’t let me hold you or talk to you. She didn’t even let me see you.” A tear ran slowly down his cheek. “You don’t know how much it’s haunted me, Clair. The thought that I was never going to be able to see you again and that the last thing I did to you was hit you.” More tears fell as he sobbed his words. Tears pricked in my eyes. “I tried calling, emails, sending letters, I even went to New York to try and visit you twice. Erica wouldn’t have it. She wanted me away from you, and I couldn’t do anything about it. It tore me up, Clair. I thought I had lost my baby girl.” He sobbed, reaching out a hand to lightly stroke my hair. My own tears finally began to fall. “I thought you left me . . . I thought that you didn’t want me . . .” I whispered. “My entire life, I had been thinking that you wanted nothing to do with me, that I meant nothing to you. I felt abandoned.”
“Who would ever want to abandon such a beautiful little girl like you?” He asked. “You and Erica meant everything to me. I felt broken up, and I had stopped drinking almost completely except for a beer once in a while. But you two, you were always on my mind. And when I heard that Erica had died, I cried for days . . .” He let out a shaky breath. “I know that it’s 13 years too late, and I know that it won’t ever make up for everything that I’ve done to you two, but I am so deeply sorry.” He murmured. “It’s okay, Daddy.” I said, wiping away his tears. It had never been him, he had never abandoned me. My mom had just been trying to keep my safe. That was the reason why she had never talked about my dad, why she had always said it was best if I didn’t know him. This had all explained it. She wanted to protect me. Now that I knew, I felt a little closer to Ben. He never wanted to leave me. He had always wanted to keep me, to stay with me.
“If I could turn back time and do it all over again, I would do it.” He said, placing a hand against my tear-stricken cheek. “Just promise me that your not ever going to leave, okay?” I begged, throwing myself at him into a hug. “Never.” Was his reply, wrapping his arms tightly around me. I stayed there, letting everything sink in. I wasn’t happy with what he had done or with what my mom had kept from me, but I felt so much better knowing that he had never left. Ben had just promised me he wasn’t ever leaving, and that made me feel so much better.
Inside of me, I could feel someone else sharing my feelings and my thoughts. I felt like if someone else knew what was going on inside of me. Maybe it was my guardian. Maybe he could feel what I felt. I remember that Amorak said that a guardian and their human could feel each other’s pain. Maybe it went for all of our emotions, too. I tucked away the photos in a folder upstairs in my room and slept for a few hours. As soon as Ben was asleep, I would sneak out to find Kenai. I would be sure to ask him if he felt anything unusual this afternoon. Besides, I needed someone to talk to.
He was sleeping when I found him, as he always is whenever I go out to find him in the middle of the night. “Is this going to be a regular thing with you, girly?” He asked irritably when I woke him up. “Well I understand if you want me to leave and never come back . . .” I said with a playful glint in my eyes. “I don’t mean that.” He grumbled. I gave a quiet laugh. “Sorry. It’s just that I really need someone to talk to right now . . .” His head perked up a bit. “Oh, yeah. I was meaning to ask you, is everything okay? I had this really weird feeling earlier. It felt really sad and hurt . . .”
I nodded. “What’s wrong?” He asked. “How much did I tell you about my father?” I asked. Kenai gave a bearish shrug. “Not much, really. All I remember is his name and something about him leaving . . . Wait, is that what this is about? Him leaving you?” Again, I nodded. “I was in the attic this afternoon, and I found some pictures from when I was a baby. You know, before my parents had spilt up.” I explained. “My mom had told me that we had always lived in New York, and that my dad abandoned us and came here when I was only three years old. But, in the pictures, all three of us were here in Alaska. I asked Ben about it and he said that he had never left me. He made a mistake, and because of it, my mom took me and left. But all of these years, I had felt unwanted, you know? I didn’t think he cared about me. I thought he just wanted to get rid of me.” I let out a shaky sigh.
“Hey, it’s okay. He made a mistake, we’ve all made one. But at least you know he never wanted to be away from you. That’s what’s important, right?” Kenai said, giving me a comforting nudge. I gave him a small smile and fondled his head. Hearing someone else say those words made me feel better inside. It meant that someone else understood.
“Are you going to be okay now?” He asked, feeling the comfort that I felt wash within me. I nodded. “Do you mind if I just stay here for a while?” I asked. Kenai shook his giant head. I leaned against his furry body and rested my head on his shoulders. As I stroked his fur absentmindedly, I let my thoughts wonder off. They were mostly of our family and the hunt. To tell the truth, I was scared. I was scared for Kenai, and I was worried that the plan wouldn’t work. But I knew that everything was going to work out in the end, everything always does. Even all those years ago when my mother left Ben, taking me with her, it worked out in the end sort of. He got to see me again, and I got to meet my father. He had never left me, and that was something that gave me peace of mind. It settled something inside me, something that had been hurting all of these years. It had almost completely gone. He had still made the mistake. If he hadn’t, then maybe Mom could have still been alive, and maybe we still could have been a family. But then something else entered my mind.
“Kenai?” I asked. He turned his head to look at me. “During the equinox, how did you find me?” I asked. “I remember you saying it took days to get there, but you never told me how you got there or why you were there.” Kenai released a sigh. “Well, as you know, I blame myself for when you got hurt, so I thought it would be best if I left. I just started wandering around for a while. But after about two weeks, I started getting this weird feeling. It was tingly and . . . and it felt really hot.” I started to remember the feeling he was talking about. “I felt it, too.” I murmured. “We had to stop because of it.” He nodded.
“I started to smell something. It was familiar. I thought it might have been you. It was mixed with other scents, so I couldn’t be too sure. I tried to follow it. But by the time I got to where the scent was coming from, you were all gone. I didn’t want to give up that easily so I followed. And then the night that I saw the tents. I caught the scent again so I sniffed around the tents. I could swear it was you, but since I hadn’t been around you for a while, I couldn’t know. So I waited until someone came out of the tent. And when I saw you, I got excited, so I decided to follow you until I got the chance to get you to see me.” He explained. “So that’s why you showed up out of no where.” I said. Kenai nodded. “The two weeks I spent just wandering around, they landed me near you.” He said. “Kind of a strange coincidence, don’t you think?” I asked. “Yeah. Man, the places life can take you.”
With all of these thoughts, my eyes drooped, and I drifted off to sleep beside Kenai. I didn’t even know how long I had been asleep, but Kenai woke me up. “Clair, wake up. It’s almost sunrise.” His voice whispered in my head as he nudged me gently with his muzzle. “Ten more minutes.” I mumbled. “No, now. Before your dad finds out your gone.” He said. Kenai nudged me a little harder, but I made no move to wake up. When he saw I was still asleep, he moved out from under me and let me fall to the floor, making me hit my head against the ground. “Hey!” I scolded. He only gave me and amused look. “I told you, wake up.” I sighed irritably and picked myself up. “How long have I been asleep?” I asked. “For about five hours.” He replied. “Crap. I’ll see you after school today, okay?” I told him. He nodded. “How about we go to the river?” He asked. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea . . .”
“Oh come on, Clair. I promise I wont let anything happen.” With a sigh, I agreed. With that, I went running back to the house in hopes that Ben hadn’t noticed my absence. For some reason, I had a really bad feeling about today. I didn’t know why, but I felt like if something was going to happen. Pushing the uncomfortable thoughts aside, I went up to my room and slept until it was time to get ready for school.