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I wake up more tired than I went to bed last night, it seems. I didn't sleep well. I had troubles falling asleep, and when I did, I had a lot of nightmares waking me up and then had troubles falling back asleep again.
I look exactly how I feel – tired, vain and sad.
I don't eat much, I only drink a big cup of tea and drag my sorry ass to work. I don't want to go, but missing three weeks already is going to show on my bank account and I can't afford that.
I have to get as much money as I can now and save as much as possible. I want my child to live a carefree life and that she or he doesn't miss anything in their life.
A few hours of work, when I'm exiting the restroom, a big, muscular arm wraps around me from behind, pulling me into a big, solid body. I want to scream until I hear the words, ''Hello, baby,'' followed with a kiss on my cheek.
My body unwillingly relaxes in Braden's hold while my heart needs longer to calm down. ''Braden, what in the world are you doing?'' I ask when I get past the shock. I try to get away from him, but he doesn't let me.
He puts his head on my shoulder and spreads his palm over my stomach in a possessive way that makes my heart beat faster again, but this time for an entirely different reason. ''I'm saying hello to you,'' he says as if it's the most natural thing in the world.
I close my eyes as his breath hits my neck and makes all the hair on my body rise up.
''You said it. Now let go,'' I say, my voice breathy and shaky, giving myself up.
He turns his head to my neck and I feel his lips curving into a smile against my skin. I want to moan. Actually, I want to do a lot of things right now with Braden and none of them include clothes.
''But you didn't,'' he mouths against my neck.
I have to lean on his body, otherwise I'd probably fall on the floor. ''Hello,'' I say weakly. ''Let me go now,'' I add quickly. Please let me go or I won't be able to think anymore ...
Braden releases me and I stumble forward, already missing his steady form, his warmth and his closeness. Damn him!
I straighten down my uniform. I'm glad Braden changed our uniforms and are now much better and less revealing. They're black and blue now, with a simple blue shirt that has Redster written on it and black pants. Nothing too tight and nothing too revealing.
''Did you sleep well?'' Braden asks casually, stepping beside me. I see out of the corner of my eye his relaxed posture. He's easing off the rich and unapproachable demeanour again.
''Not really,'' I admit quietly, not looking at him. ''Did you?'' I can't help but ask. Because I truly want to know.
I know he's looking at me. ''Not at all. Not since I've last held you in my arms, no,'' he says, not missing a beat at all.
I sharply look at him. ''Don't,'' I warn him. I can't deal with this today again.
Braden stops me from walking by putting his hand on my arm and turning me to him. He has his brows wrinkled. ''Don't what, Rory? Admit that I missed you? Because I did. I do. I miss you every breathing second you're not with me. I ache for you every nanosecond that I realize I can't have you. My body and soul scream because you're not mine anymore.''
My breath hitches and tears well up in my eyes. ''I miss you, too,'' I admit, so quietly I barely hear myself.
But by the way he inhales suddenly, I know he heard me perfectly fine. He takes a step closer to me and puts his hand on my cheek, caressing it softly. His touch is so familiar that instead of getting away from it, I lean in closer, seeking it.
''You don't have to, baby,'' Braden says gently. ''You can have me again. If you want me.''
I puff the air out of my mouth, momentarily looking behind him, out of the window on the almost empty parking lot, and then back to him. ''But at what cost?'' I ask.
Braden shakes his head. ''There's no cost. You already own my soul and my heart, I'm giving you my body, too. You can have me whole.''
I stare into his eyes for long moments, letting his words sink in and look for any traces of him not talking the truth. I find none. But I still step away from him, putting a distance between us. ''I don't believe you,'' I say. Because I truly don't. I can't understand what changed in these weeks.
That night, he seemed like he can't get away from me fast enough and he was pretty adamant not to see me ever again. I simply made his wish come true, staying away from him. Not that I could go anywhere near him, anyway. I was too much of a wreck.
But now he's the one who's chasing me and saying sweet things that make my head spin and I want to cave in again. His charm is good, way too good. And I don't know his reasons or motives behind his actions, but I'm going to find them out.
Braden rubs his temples. ''You're not even going to think about it?'' he asks, his voice painfully quiet.
I scrunch my eyebrows. ''What's there to think about, Braden? I offered you my love and you ended things on the spot. How do you expect me to believe anything you have to say now?''
He sighs, tracing his eyebrow in desperation. ''You can't even imagine how sorry I am for the words I said to you. If I could take them back, I would. In a heartbeat. Please, don't doubt that,'' he pleads with sad eyes.
I squeeze my lips together and force myself to swallow the lump of tears down.
''You're carrying my child, Rory. Think about him or her, too,'' he adds.
That just sparks up my anger. ''Don't use my child as an excuse to get back together, Braden, because if that's what you want, I'm telling you right now it's not going to work. I'm more than capable of taking care of a baby. At least he or she has one parent who's going to love them more than their own life, other than two parents who one of them doesn't feel any love. For neither,'' I add the last part quickly.
Braden's eyes widen and his lips curl down. ''Don't say that, Rory. Don't say I don't love my child with every cell that I have in me!'' he demands. ''Because I do and I'm willing to do anything to be a part of their life. And I swear to God, Rory, don't even try to cut me out of their life, because I have a right to be a parent as much as you have,'' he informs me calm as ever.
I want to roll my eyes at him. ''Yes, but you don't love me,'' I say quietly. He tries to say something, but I cut him off. ''And loving a child you made is not the same as loving me. A child is not a good reason to be with someone. You have every right to be in his or her life, but that doesn't mean you have to be in mine,'' I say, trying to stay calm.
I see Braden's eyes cross over. ''So you're going to end us like that? You're not even going to give me a chance to prove you how wrong you are about me?'' he asks sheepishly.
I shrug, avoiding his eyes. ''You put an end to us, Braden. To be honest, I don't even think you did, because there wasn't anything there to end in the first place.'' Tears want to spring in my eyes, but I blink them away.
Braden is in my personal space in instant, putting his palms on my face, forcing me to look at his eyes. ''Don't ever say something like that, Rory. Ever. There was a lot of things between us and you know it damn well. But you won't give me a chance to explain myself and fix this.'' He says it like it's my fault things ended between us.
I narrow my eyes at him. ''Why would I give you a chance when you didn't want to?'' I reply, watching him exhale and close his eyes in defeat.
''Touché,'' he whispers. ''But I was an idiot, a stupid, stupid idiot that didn't know what he had until he lost it. I didn't appreciate you nearly enough as you deserved to be appreciated. I should worship you and kiss the floor you walk on.'' He gently brushes a lock of my hair back, following his movement with his eyes. ''Don't be an idiot like me,'' he pleads quietly, brokenly.
''I ...'' I stumble on my words. ''I need some time to think this trough, Braden ... I ... I can't ...'' I don't finish my sentence. I step away instead and have to hug myself in order to prevent the cold chills of him not being near me anymore running down my spine.
Braden shakes his head. ''I want you to hear me out first and then think things through,'' he says adamantly.
I press my lips together. ''Fine,'' I say, too tired to argue with him further. God, dealing with this is exhausting. ''I need to go back to work now,'' I say, trying to get away from him as fast as I can so I don't get a need to throw myself into his arms and stay there forever. A painful, quiet sigh leaves my lips.
''I'll take you home after work,'' Braden decides.
''Why?'' I ask him warily, already backing away.
''So we can talk. We can go on a dinner.''
I contemplate his offer, even though I don't have to do it for long. ''Okay,'' I finally decide.
I can't burn down that little of hope that flamed inside of me that maybe, just maybe, there still exists a small chance of us being together again.
***
The work went painfully slow, especially when I knew I was going to see Braden after work again, for sure, and we were going to a dinner. Again. My heart sped up every time I even thought of him and the dinner that is waiting for us.
It's so hard to resist him and his charms. I can already feel my wall, that I've built in all these weeks, crumbling down and I don't think how much I can take.
There's a little voice in the back of my mind, nagging me that maybe he's telling me the truth and he really wants another chance. Maybe he really believes in us and maybe he's willing to try.
When my shift finally ends and I go out of the bar, I spot Braden's car immediately. It's like there's a magnet that's pulling me towards it.
Braden spots me and comes out, opening the door for me. I blush as he stares at me adoringly. I'll never get over his gentleman ways with me. When I want to enter, he grabs my elbow and places a quick kiss on my cheek, then turns his head into my hair, inhaling deeply. ''You look exquisite,'' he murmurs.
I look at him with disbelief. ''I look the same as before.'' And that's disastrous, I don't have a nerve to add. I know my face looks like someone slapped me repeatedly, due to a sleepless night.
He leans back, still having my elbow in his grip. The corners of his mouth slightly lift. ''You always look beautiful,'' he corrects.
I try hard not to blush, but the harder I try, the harder I blush, it seems. ''Thank you,'' I say because I truly don't know what else I could say in return.
Braden grins, showing off his pearly white teeth and releases his hold on me, so I take this as a clue and climb into his Range Rover.
It's warm inside and it's a good change from the outside temperatures.
''I warmed up the car while waiting for you,'' Braden says as if he's reading my thoughts.
My mouth unwillingly forms a smile, because Braden knows me so damn well and that didn't change.
''How was work?'' he politely asks, trying to make a small conversation. The difference with Braden and other people is, when he's trying to make a small conversation, asking you everyday questions like that, he's always interested in my answer.
I lift my shoulder in a shrug. ''It was actually kind of boring,'' I admit.
Braden glances at me. I don't have to look at him to know that he's thinking of something to say to me. ''You know you don't have to work, right?'' he asks gently, carefully.
I laugh humorlessly. ''And what? You'd give me money?'' I ask sarcastically.
But when his mouth straightens in a straight line and I see the joke I made isn't really a joke to him, all the laughter dies from me. ''You can't be serious,'' I half whisper, not wanting to believe he's really thinking I'd let him do that.
''Well, why wouldn't I be?'' he asks with a slight irritation. ''You're carrying my child and I have money to last me a lifetime – probably even my kids won't be able to spend it all.''
I hang on how he says kids as in plural. And stupid me and my brain, that's what I press on. ''You want to have children? As in more than one?''
Braden looks at me briefly with his eyebrows drawn. ''Yes?'' he says simply, questioningly.
I shake my head at his admission. ''Oh. Okay,'' I say. But he clearly doesn't want them with me, judging from the reaction he had when I told him about my pregnancy. ''I'm not going to stay at home and live off your money, Braden,'' I go back to our previous conversation. ''I'd go out of my mind.''
Braden sighs in exasperation, but a small smile plays on his lips. ''You know, most women would kill for a chance to not have to work and be spoiled for the rest of their life.''
I grimace at just the thought of that being me. ''Maybe I'm not like them, then,'' I clarify.
Braden smiles fully now. ''Oh, baby, you're definitely not like them.'' He even sends me a flirty wink that makes me grip the seat so tight my nails dig into it.
Well, damn. This is indeed getting harder and harder. First he's acting nice, then he apologises, then he's always so happy around me and last, but not least, he's getting playful. My all favourite stages of him.
''So, where are we going?'' I choose on a safer subject.
''I told you I'm going to take you out on a dinner.'' He looks at me. ''Do you have any prefers as to where to go?'' he asks.
I draw my eyebrows together. ''Nothing fancy,'' I say. I'm not in the mood for everyone to watch all my moves because people's eyes follow everything I do. I want to go somewhere where we'll mix in the crowd and no one would bother us.
Braden frowns. ''Nothing fancy. Huh.'' He looks like he has to think really hard of something not fancy.
I roll my eyes and try not to laugh. ''You can just take me to McDonald's and I'll be a very happy woman,'' I admit to him with a cheesy smile.
I burst out laughing as a shock overtakes his face and it scrunches up. ''To McDonald's?'' he repeats absently, but his voice is full of distaste.
I roll my lips into my mouth. ''Yep,'' I say excitedly. ''It's been a long time since I've last eaten there,'' I tell him. ''We can go to drive thru.''
Braden glances at me from the side of his eyes. ''You're serious, aren't you?'' he mutters in disbelief.
I smile chastely and pout a bit. ''Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?''
He looks fully at me now and his whole face lights up by just watching me. ''I really missed that sincere smile of yours,'' he admits unexpectedly.
I laugh uncomfortably. ''You're full of compliments lately,'' I say, putting a lock of hair behind my ear, an act of nervousness.
Braden smiles, although his smile is almost sad. ''I realised I never want to miss a chance of telling you how much you mean to me.''
Oh, my.
And because I'm stupid like that, I ask, ''And how much do I mean to you?''
Braden looks puzzled for a moment and my heart picks up the speed, anticipating his answer.
He grabs my hand suddenly in a lock tight hold, bringing our joined hands up to his lips, and kisses the back of my hand. ''A lot. More than anyone and anything and more than I could explain. Let's leave it at that for now.''
I settle for his answer. I realize I like it. Braden never talked about his feelings with me. He was always such a closed book and I couldn't even read him what he was thinking half of the time, not that I could figure out his feelings.
But him admitting that he liked me more than anyone and anything ... and more than he could explain? Well, that made my stomach roll in excitement and my hairline tingle.
We really did go to McDonald's and I couldn't contain my big grin.
My wall is crashing down and there's not much of it left anymore, not where he is concerned. I can't help but be happy in his presence. He makes me happy, he makes me feel things I've never felt ... He makes me feel alive.
I can't fight what I feel for him. I don't want to fight it.
We go to the drive thru and Braden looks at me. ''You're going to have to order for me,'' he states.
My eyebrows lift up. ''Why?''
He purses his lips. ''I don't ...'' He goes with his hand through his hair, glancing at the building. ''I don't eat here much.''
I cock my head to the side, grinning. ''You mean never?'' I ask.
Braden stares at me for long moments. ''You're laughing at me,'' he says it as a statement.
I chuckle. ''I'm sorry!'' I say and laugh even harder as he glares at me. ''It's just ... what sane person doesn't eat at McDonald's every once in awhile?''
Braden shakes his head, but doesn't stop glaring at me. ''I don't. I dislike the food here.'' He grimaces. ''I don't even know why I brought us here.'' He briefly glances at my stomach and I get a feeling he's acting a bit protective over me and the baby.
Is he accepting it finally? Accepting the fact that he's going to be a father? And I'll be a mother of his child?
I get dizzy just by the thought of it.
We order the food when it's our turn. Well, basically I order the food for us, Braden is just patiently sitting with his face clearly showing his distaste, but even when grimacing, he's giving a woman behind the window a heart attack at being near his beauty.
Yep, I know how you feel, girl.
''We can go to my flat and eat there,'' I suggest, although my stomach is protesting and growling in hunger just by smelling the food.
Braden chuckles as he clearly hears it and I flush in embarrassment.
''It's not a long drive from here, baby,'' he says casually.
My heart flutters at the familiar word. Baby. He used to call me that a lot. He still does, after all that happened between us.
And I like him calling me that. Even though it's painful to hear it and to be remembered of all the good times when he called me that, I'm willing to take it. My stupid heart is still clinging to him and everything he does or says.
You know how they say listen to your brain before your heart? But I wonder what they say when the heart and the brain both want the same thing, even though the brain knows it's not a good thing?
I rub my temples in desperation. Jesus Christ, can my brain shut up for once and stop over-thinking everything? I swear I feel my head close to exploding sometimes.
I don't even notice when Braden parks the car and turns it off. When we just sit in silence, he turns to me. ''Are you okay?'' he asks worriedly.
I don't know how might my face look. Probably not that good, after a restless night and a full work shift. But, hell, Braden has seen me even worse, so why start worrying now?
Because you're trying to show him what he lost and what he could have if he wasn't an idiot, you dumb ass.
I'm seriously thinking of selling my brain on eBay or something. Stupid thing.
''Yes. Can we go up now? I'm starving,'' I complain and don't even wait for him to open the door for me, I just do it myself and rush out of the car.
Braden meets me in the front, frowning and looking at me with a clear disbelief on his face. I make a big deal of rolling my eyes at him and I hope he sees it, even though it's dark outside, apart from the street lights. And the moon, of course.
''No time for being a gentleman now. You'll get plenty of chances, don't worry,'' I tell him while walking fast in front of him.
Braden snorts with laughter. ''Oh, that gives me plenty ideas, then,'' he says lowly. ''So you're saying you'll keep me around to prove my gentleman ways to you?''
I groan quietly. ''I never said that,'' I mutter.
''You did,'' he presses further.
The comeback dies on my lips as I feel his hot, big palm on the low of my back. Whoever said being pregnant is fun, was lying. If my hormones weren't crazy for Braden before, they're literally exploding everytime he's near. He doesn't even have to touch me and I want to do some illegal things to him.
I sigh to myself.
I open the front door and lead us in. Brooke peeks her head instantly out of the kitchen. ''Oh, thank God, I've been getting worr— oh. Hey,'' she says, looking confused as her eyes take in Braden behind me.
I offer her an apologetic smile. ''Hey, sorry for not calling. We, uh, stopped at McDonald's.'' I flush for no reason at all, not being able to even look at Braden.
Brooke gets confused even more, looking at the bags in Braden's hands. ''You stopped at McDonald's?'' she asks in disbelief, looking at Braden for answers.
He just shrugs and looks at me, grinning, as if that answers everything.
Brooke's face breaks out in a big smile suddenly. ''I just remembered that I have to take something to Aaron that he forgot here.'' She jumps up and literally sprints to the front door, giving me a kiss on the cheek as she passes. ''Have fun!'' she calls out before she's out there, leaving me and Braden alone.
I look at Braden with raised eyebrows and a pointed look. ''You should know that your sister is a terrible actress,'' I comment, barely stifling a smile.
Braden grins. ''Yeah, I doubt she'd fool anyone. But she gets points for trying.''
I stare at him for long seconds, taking in his big eyes, which are currently shining from happiness, his perfectly full lips which are formed into a real smile and his features, which are usual hard and expressionless, but now are just soft and nice and he looks just ... happy.
It's such a good look on him, a bit unusual and rare, but it's a sight where you just have to stop and stare and memorise it. It's a sight to behold.
Braden cocks his head and his smile slips a bit, his gaze getting smouldering. ''What are you looking at?'' he murmurs.
I shake my head to get out of the trans I fell in. ''Nothing. I just ...'' I close my eyes. ''Nothing. Are we going to eat now?''
I don't wait for his answer, I just turn around and go into the kitchen. I feel like I have bricks instead of a brain when I'm around him. Not cool.
I take out the plates and feel his presence in the kitchen soon after. The air around us instantly electrifies and my every nerve stands at attention.
He stands exactly behind me, putting his hands on my arms. ''Let me,'' he says lowly in my ear so I nearly fall down on the floor as my knees buckles.
He rakes his right hand around to take the plate out of my hand and he brushes my breast, intentionally or unintentionally, I don't know. I freeze up in the spot, the kitchen starts lightly spinning around in front of my eyes.
I should remember to never get pregnant again, because if this is what I'll have to go through the whole nine months, I don't think I'll be able to survive. Or I'll probably get psychotic because of the tension constantly present in my body. Or I'll either lock Braden or myself in a cage and won't let myself or him come into a distance of 200 meters.
It seems like Braden didn't realise what he did and in what state he put me because he casually turns around and puts the plates on the table.
I have to grip the counter and breathe a few times to get myself under control. God, give me strength to survive him.
It was bad before I was pregnant because even then he could seduce me with only his look alone, no matter where we were or what were we doing. Imagine this feeling and multiply it by 5. That's how I feel now.
''Sit, Rory. You need to eat,'' he orders.
And he's still as bossy as before. But in all honesty, I do like his bossy side. In a healthy dose, of course.
I do take a seat, which he holds out for me, some gentleman he is. He only sits down when I'm seated and he gives me my bag. My stomach growls loudly, but I don't even care anymore in this moment.
I only look at Braden who stares at me with a deep concern and is deep in thought. ''Rory, are you eating well?''
He throws me off guard with his question and I look puzzled for a second there, before I clear my throat. ''Uh, yeah?'' it comes out as a confused question.
Braden sighs. ''Have you visited the doctor yet?'' he asks gently.
I lower my eyes guiltily. ''No, I didn't ... I didn't ...'' I don't finish my thought, because I don't have any excuse. What could I say? I wasn't mentally stable since you left me? I couldn't get out of bed because the cramps from crying were so bad sometimes? I couldn't move, because my muscles hurt from exhaustion of crying the whole night? Because I was mentally unstable from all the nightmares I woke up from in the middle of the night, crying out his name?
Yeah, I don't think he'd like to hear any of that. Truthfully, I don't even want to talk about it and reliving it. I want to bury this behind me and leave it in the past. I can't afford to ever fall so deep for any living human creature, except for my child.
My baby will be the only one who will receive my unconditional love and I won't have any regrets of it, ever. I will love him enough for a mother and a father together.
If Braden won't want to be in his or her life, that is. I would never take a child away from their father, but only if he's willing to accept him and love him unconditionally.
Braden nods seriously. ''Do you want me to take you?'' he surprises me by asking.
A big lump forms in my throat, making it impossible for me to speak. He wants to take me to the doctor? ''Uh, why?'' I ask, not hiding the confusion from my voice.
Braden's eyebrows draw together. ''Because I want to. Do I need to have a special reason to take my woman on a first check to the doctor about my child?''
Oh. Oh, well.
That shuts me up.
''Well, no, I, um ...'' I stumble on my words. ''Who said anything about me being yours?'' I ask when I gain the control to speak again.
Braden puts down the cheeseburger he was previously eating, wipes his mouth with a paper napkin, not taking his eyes off me. I gulp. Braden leans forward, intimidating me with his nearness, and levels me with his stare. ''You were mine from the first time I said hello to you. And you never stopped being mine, ever since. You won't ever stop being mine,'' he corrects, telling me this in an even tone, not dropping a beat.
''Oh, really?'' I murmur because I can't really think of anything else to say. My brain is too busy spinning around at his words.
''Yes, really,'' he says. ''Now stop with this nonsense. I can take you tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. I'm on a business trip in Norway from Thursday to Sunday evening, so these days are out.''
I shake my head at him. A cloud of disappointment appears above me that I won't see him for four days. I became really used to him being back in my life again. It's hard when someone you love so deeply leaves you, expecting it's over and you'll truly never see them again, but then, bam, they appear back in your life and you grasp all the chances you can to make them stay.
''You don't have to take me,'' I state. I don't want him to feel an obligation to take care of me just because I'm pregnant with his baby.
He lazily lifts his eyelids, looking at me. ''We won't discuss this any further, baby.''
Wow, okay.
He has me totally weak for him right now.
I take a huge bite of my burger so I don't have to reply anything back.
Braden looks lost in his thought for a moment before he speaks again. ''We'll go tomorrow after you finish your shift,'' he says and his tone if final.
I only nod my head. I'm not in the mood to fight with him, and I actually want him to go with me. As foolish as that makes me ...
We eat in silence and when we finish, Braden leans back in his seat casually. ''Are you ready to have the talk now?''
The talk.
The talk I've tried to avoid as long as possible, but I don't think I can avoid it forever. Or much longer, I guess.
I just sigh and give in. ''Yeah, I guess,'' I murmur, not convincingly at all.
Yay! Another update! Thank you all for birthday wishes, I love you all!
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