Lauren Jauregui was in love with Camila Cabello. This was a fact no one questioned, an undeniable truth to anyone who knew them. Anyone with eyes could see the way Lauren's eyes sparkled at the sight of Camila; the way she smiled so sweetly at the smallest idiosyncrasy; the way her hands handled her body as if it were a priceless jewel.
She wasn't anyone special, just an eighteen-year-old bookworm with family problems. Her parents were working for the bare minimum, trying to provide for three children. Lauren went to the most prestigious school in Miami on a scholarship, which was where she met Camila.
Lauren always had an eye for beauty. In a valley filled with death and despair, she could find hope buried underneath. Maybe that's why she fell so easily for Camila: she was a diamond in the rough.
They met when Camila was fifteen, a freshman in high school. Lauren remembered the way she tittered through the hallways, enchanting everyone who saw her. Lauren was trapped under her gaze too, but never had the balls to approach her. She never did, actually. It was Camila who came to her.
Lauren remembered the moment as clear as day. Camila had been tripped by one of the popular girls and Lauren had the girl pinned up against the locker in seconds. The girl was near tears when Lauren felt a hand on shoulder. Looking back, green eyes met brown for the first time. She remembered Camila telling her it was OK, that she was alright. She remembered not knowing what to say, but Camila talked enough for the both of them. As Camila limped down the hallway to the nurse's office with her, Lauren knew she was a keeper.
It came to no one's surprise when they announced they were dating in Lauren's sophomore year. How could Camila turn down someone who loved her so dearly? How could she deny her best friend all the love she could give her? It was a match made in heaven: Lauren, the shy, nerdy girl and Camila, America's sweetheart. Sure, there were fools who mocked them, but the love and support seemed to drown out the negativity.
But even the greatest people have their flaws. Lauren always felt like the deadweight in the relationship. While Camila had been signed to a major record label by the time she was seventeen, Lauren was struggling with school and keeping her family afloat during tough times.
It wasn't a good feeling; thinking the one you love would be better off without you. But as Camila's popularity sky-rocketed and celebrities began praising her and sending her gifts, Lauren was almost drowning in self-loathing.
But she tried. Oh God, did she try. She worked extra hours to be able to buy Camila little gifts – something to remind the girl that she was still there. She supported everything Camila did in her music career, no matter if she disagreed with it or not. She did whatever she could to keep the relationship together.
But you know what they say about holding on to something too tightly: in the end, you'll be left bruised and bleeding and it will still slip out of your grasp.
Lauren found this out on Christmas Day, months after her eighteenth birthday. Camila had been officially signed over to Lynx Records, and to celebrate, she was hosting a Christmas party for their friends and family. Lauren had bought her a black acoustic guitar, signed by said family and friends, to show her support in her career. If only she had known what was to come that evening.
The night had started off well enough. Everyone was laughing and dancing, singing Christmas carols like fools at times. Camila had nearly cried at Lauren's gift, hugging and kissing her profusely. While everyone was mingling, the two lovebirds snuck upstairs for some much needed loving.
Only a few minutes into their fun, Camila's phone went off. She hummed against Lauren's mouth, slowly pulling away and turning her attention to her phone. Lauren groaned softly, feeling more irritated than she had in weeks.
"Shut up, Lauren," Camila said, sounding so annoyed that it sent a spike of fear through Lauren. It seemed that every time she said the slightest bit of negativity, no matter how much she supported Camila's music career, the girl would snap at her.
But the fear was quickly replaced with anger when she heard Camila giggle at her phone. She pushed Camila off of her, furiously slipping her flats on. When she recovered, Camila spat, "What the fuck, Lauren?"
Pivoting around, Lauren spat back, "I was just going to leave you to your phone. You know, seeing as it seems to be way more important to you than your girlfriend."
"Oh my God, Lauren," Camila groaned, eyes rolling dramatically, "I looked at it for a second. Why are you so touchy these days?"
Lauren scoffed, "Maybe because every time I'm trying to spend quality time with my girlfriend, she would rather text random people on her phone!"
"They aren't random people, Lauren!" Camila said, glaring daggers, "They're celebrities that can help my career go forward. I thought you said you supported me?"
Lauren, red-faced and eyes blazing, said, "I do, Camila! But not when it changes who you are. You've been skipping school for interviews and meet-and-greet's. You've been avoiding spending time with our friends because you have a 'thing with some friends'. For fuck's sake, you ignored your sister this morning because you were texting some boy-band member."
"Are you sure that's all you're worried about?" Camila said this so quietly that Lauren almost didn't hear it. She wished she hadn't. She wished she hadn't seen that dark look pass over her face. She wished her heart didn't leap into her fucking throat.
"The fuck is that supposed to mean?" Lauren said, mentally berating herself for her voice cracking in fear.
Camila looked up again, an almost murderous look in her eyes, and said, "It means I'm tired of trying to please you all the time. It feels like every time something goes right for me, you have to drag me down!"
Lauren was breathing hard now, shouting, "Why on Earth would I drag you down, Camila?"
Camila doesn't hold back, yelling, "Because you know I'm better than you!"
Lauren literally felt her heart stop. It was like time had slowed down, making her hyper-aware of her body. Her heart froze, her lungs stilled, her blood ran cold and worse yet, her eyes watered. The tears that slipped down were hot and thick and she couldn't even wipe them off because her body just wouldn't move.
But that wasn't the worst of all. The worst was hearing those awful words spill from Camila's smirking lips.
"That's right. I know all about the angst fest that you've been having. I know you told Normani that you hate the people I work with. I know you think I've changed into something horrible, but maybe I've just out-grown you. Maybe you've realised that you're just not good enough."
It was Lauren's worst nightmare come true: the love of her life telling her she wasn't good enough. She had imagined this moment for a months now, but the reality was worse than the expectation.
Instead of hyperventilating, Lauren seemed to go into shock. Her body was numb and her mind was far away. Her mind was replaying every horrible memory of their relationship, every moment of weakness and insecurity that Lauren had bottled up.
Instead of denying Camila's words and professing her undying loyalty, she silently agreed with her. She knew what Camila was saying was true, even if it was just a heat-of-the-moment thing. In fact, that added more validity to it: she was just saying what she'd been wanting to say.
As her mind was yanked back to the present, Lauren looked up to see Camila standing in front of her, frozen in disbelief. God, she was as beautiful as ever. Even now, Lauren's near frozen heart skipped a beat at the sight of her.
In one shaky breath, Lauren whispered in a raw voice, "You're right. I'm not good enough for you anymore. It's over."
Lauren didn't wait for Camila to answer her. To save herself from further heart-break, she ran out of her room, passed their friends and family, and into the street. After that her memory got hazy. She remembered throwing her phone into a lake because it kept ringing. She remembered crying on the curb, biting her lip and clenching her fists so hard she drew blood. She remembered walking all the way to local bar, stealing some drinks and starting fights.
At one point, someone must have called the cops on her because the next thing she remembered was being bailed out of jail by her screaming mother. After that she completely blacked out.
The rest of the week was a blur. It was the holidays so she didn't have anywhere to be. Despite her family's best efforts, they couldn't get her to speak more than a few words, or eat more than a handful of food. They even threatened to call Camila over, but that only made things worse.
Yet, despite having no motivation and still in partial-shock, she found herself frequenting the local bar. Well, the ones she wasn't banned from. Not to mention, places where Camila couldn't get to her.
There was one place called the Cat's Meow, a burlesque club downtown. She didn't know what drew her in. Maybe it was the allure of danger and violence, considering the gang members and pimps who frequented the club. Maybe it was the fact that no one judged who was getting shit-faced or who danced on stage. Maybe it was just nice to have a place to get drunk and wallow in self-loathing. Either way, Lauren loved that club.
Which was why when Antonio Morello, the Italian businessman who happened to own the club, offered her a job there, she accepted immediately. Despite the fact that she didn't know if that meant as a bartender, a dancer or both. Despite the fact that Lauren was vaguely sure he was part of the Mafia.
Nights at the Cat's Meow was always busy. Lauren had to help out when some of the customers were a bit too rowdy. Uncle Tony (everyone called him that) made her take boxing classes with his cousin, making sure she could handle the rowdy gentlemen. She found it was a great form of stress relief and anger management.
The other bartenders (Lauren had quickly learned that almost everyone working at this club was somehow related to Uncle Tony) had taught her how to mix drinks like a pro. Soon, she was making cocktails, mojitos and more like she was born to do it. The sharp stink of alcohol had become like a second skin to her.
So that's where she'd spend her days and nights. She'd help clean, mix drinks, act as a bodyguard and make a name for herself at the Cat's Meow. Her family didn't approve of her occupation but considering it seemed to kick Lauren out of her funk, they didn't object. As far as Lauren was concerned, it was putting money in the bank and kept her away from Camila. That's what mattered to her.
For months, she had spent her time at the Cat's Meow. Thoughts of Camila had been buried at the back of her mind. Still, it was hard to forget about someone when they were everyone's favourite topic of discussion.
On one hand, Lauren was happy that her career had sky-rocketed. She had always believed in her. On the other, this only proved that Lauren had held her back. It only proved that, in the end, she really wasn't good enough.
Uncle Tony had figured it out before Lauren could tell him. He could tell a broken heart from a mile away. He talked to her about it, the first one to do so in months. The reason she let him in was because he didn't treat her like she was broken. To him, she was someone who needed help to get back on her feet – Nothing more, nothing less. She was family, after all.
He sat her down after a long night, while the band played smooth jazz in the background. The room was stifling but they didn't seem to notice.
"You did the right thing, figlia." He said to her, letting out a puff of smoke. He sat stiffly in a three-piece suit across from her, holding a cigar between his fingers and a glass of whiskey in the other. A cloud of smoke had covered his face, giving him that air of menace.
He looked like trouble. He still had a full head of black hair, along with a thick beard that covered a strong jaw. He was still very much in shape, considering the way his muscles bulged in his suit. His eyes were dark and always narrowed in frustration. Lauren had yet to see him smile, even among family.
"What do you mean?" Lauren asked, toying with her own glass that was filled with apple martini. Her green eyes seemed to pierce through the smoke and straight into his soul.
"By leaving her."
Lauren sighed, saying, "Then why do I feel like shit?"
He blew out another puff of smoke, saying, "Because it hurts to let our loved ones go. We want to keep them forever, even if it hurts us. The only time we let go is when we absolutely need to. And even then, we always wonder if it would've been better to hold on. But do you want to know something, my child?"
Lauren perked up, her eyes shining with anticipation, asking, "What?"
In a voice as deep as the southern sea, he said, "Holding onto a relationship when the other person isn't interested in doing the same, destroys the soul."
Lauren sighed and sipped at her martini. Uncle Tony always knew exactly what to say, even when everyone else didn't. No one, not her family or her friends, knew what to do with or say to her. But Uncle Tony did.
"How do you know all this, Uncle Tony?" She asked, squinting her eyes.
For the first time in months, a large grin grew on his face, almost obscured by his bushy beard. Lauren thought his smile was beautiful in all its' rarity.
He said, "Because I let go once. And as the good Lord would have it, she returned to me and gave me my wonderful family."
Lauren's heart clenched painfully. Once upon a time, this was the life she wanted for her and Camila. The big family, the white-picket fence, all of it. But even that future had slipped from her finger. With a waver in her voice, she asked, "...Do you think she'll ever come back to me?"
"Not if you keep this up." The smile was gone from his face, replaced with a hard, stern look.
Lauren knew exactly what she was doing. The self-loathing, the wallowing, drowning herself in work and alcohol. It was pathetic but she couldn't find it in her to doing anything about it. And she had no one to blame but herself.
How could she expect Camila to love and respect her if she couldn't even do that?
He sighed deeply, saying, "Look, figlia, you've got talent. Much more than I've ever seen in one person. That night when the music fucked up and you sang raw for the entire club? It sent shivers down my spine."
She remembered that night. She had sung jazz music live to the entire club for the whole night. The band had backed her up, but with jazz music, the focus was on the vocals. And by God, did she steal the show. She had sung until her throat burned, her lungs couldn't handle the stress and her body shook with exhaustion. But despite all of that, it was the first time in her life when she felt truly alive. It was like someone had lit her soul on fire, burning her to the core.
"But that talent's gonna wither away if you spend the rest of your life swallowing cocktails and chasing after fantasies." Uncle Tony finished, leaning forward on his thick forearm.
Lauren only nodded, silently agreeing.
Downing his drink, he said, "You need to become the woman you know you can be. Prove that you are good enough. If not to her then to yourself."
That struck a cord within her. This whole time she had been hating herself for not being enough for Camila. But when did she ever consider if she was good enough for herself? When was she going to learn to love herself before she could love anyone else?
Making her decision, she asked firmly, "Uncle Tony."
"Yes, my child?" He asked, a humorous twinkle in his dark eyes.
"Is your cousin's company still holding up on that offer?" She asked, remembering their talk from a few nights ago. Uncle Tony's cousin, Joshua Morello, owned an independent record label in Miami. He had been there when she sang and had been blown away. He left his card with her, but it had been collecting dust in her wallet since then.
"They are." There was a hint of a smile on his face.
"Sign me up."
Now, actually smiling from ear-to-ear, he boomed, "That's my girl."