"I'm the girlfriend and you're the boyfriend." The girl with the cross necklace told the other girl, when the two were fourteen, and she first came up with the game. "You can kiss me, on the lips, and hold my hand." She whispered into the other's ear. "But only when we play, of course." She said, before adding the most important rule, "but we can't tell anyone about this game, it's just ours."
Lauren looked at the other fourteen-year-old with big, curious eyes. Camila always had the best ideas for games, and she had the most expensive toys, and even a computer. She'd loved to come play in her house ever since the two neighbors were much younger. But the new game sounded different. She didn't know if she wanted to play. But suddenly Camila's lips met her own for a short peck, and lauren found herself agreeing to every single one of the rules, playing the game.
More rules were added over the years, and the simple game Camila invented, turned complicated.
The two turned eighteen when it finally was the last year of high school. Lauren saw Camila in the crowded halls of the school every now and then. But Camila never looked her way. It wouldn't be true to say that they lost touch, or weren't talking anymore - because the two girls never quit playing the game. then again, it wouldn't be completely wrong to say that the two neighbors weren't talking anymore, because Camila only talked to Lauren when the two were alone, and playing that same game, that hasn't changed much since they were fourteen. Outside of the game they didn't say a word to each other.
Camila got herself a real boyfriend around the time she turned seventeen. A tall boy with brown curls and a charming smile. Lauren never got herself a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend.
Lauren used to watch Camila with the boy in school. She'd never learned his name. She didn't understand the way her stomach twisted and her heart ached in her chest, watching the couple. Lauren wanted to believe that Camila was happier with her, playing their little game, than she was kissing her boyfriend. But if that was true, then Camila must've taken some acting lessons, because she always seemed happy and carefree around the curly boy. She tried not to compare, but when Camila was with her, she seemed different - always quiet, and serious, excitement laced with fear in her chocolate eyes.
It was a sunny afternoon, and two girls were sat on Camila's bed. They were kissing, and Camila hadn't let a signle word leave her mouth, and Lauren knew Camila had a bad day. They'd kiss more when it's a bad day for Camila, sometimes when it's a really bad day they'd do more than kissing, and Lauren would end up admiring the parts of Camila's body that are usually covered with clothes. Quite ironically, Camila's bad days became Lauren's favorites.
Camila's gentle hands were placed on Lauren's shoulders as they kissed, soft lips moving against Lauren's lips in the most devine way. After what felt like forever, Lauren pulled away, meeting her neighbor's eyes. She could tell something was wrong. "What's wrong?"
Camila did everything she could not to look into the girl's eyes.
"What is it?" Lauren insisted. "Did your boyfriend do something?"
"Quiet." The girl quickly replied, playing with her cross necklace. "You're here to play with me, Lauren. Not ask me questions." The two chocolate pools met Lauren's gaze, at last. "I'm tired of reminding you of the rules. No talking about real things."
Of course, what they had wasn't real.
A sigh left Camila's rosey lips. And the sigh alone was enough for Lauren to know that they were done playing. She removed her hands from Lauren's shoulders and got up from the bed. "You need to leave. My parents are going to be home soon."
And Lauren left, making the short way back to her home with her head down, feeling a lump in her throat, her chest feeling heavy and her eyes watery. No different than any other time she left Camila's house. It was such a strange, terrible, yet familiar feeling. Feeling used, not good enough, feeling angry, with love in her heart, only weighing more on her chest.
Lauren had never had the best grades. She would never listen in class or do her homework. She wasn't as smart as most people in her class. She didn't know much about anything. But the only thing she did know was Camila. She knew what her favorite color is, she knew what she likes to eat, she knew what her voice sounds like when she's happy, sad, scared, or singing. She knew every spot in her bedroom. She knew what her hair smells like. She knew how soft she was to touch, or kiss. After years of knowing Camila and years of having nothing on her mind but the girl, she sometimes felt like she knew her better than herself. The only thing she truly knew about herself, was that she loved Camila.
But despite everything, Camila was still the hardest mystery to solve out there. And she didn't even know if she'd survive trying.
Ever since she left Camila's house that day, she hadn't heard from her. It had been two weeks, and Lauren felt like she was lost at sea. Her days, that used to sometimes (when she was lucky) be spent in Camila's bedroom, now turned into piles of useless activities, and meaningless ways to spend time.
It was a terrifying discovery, really, that everything but Camila meant nothing. But admittedly, it was nothing Lauren hadn't known before.
Lauren didn't know things could get worse. But when one day she decided to walk over to Camila in school, after two weeks of nothing, she realized they really could.
She definitely needed courage, to make her way to the girl with the cross neckless, who was eating lunch with her friends on the grass outside. But courage felt so unfitting, too noble. It wasn't courage that made her legs carry her towards Camila, it was desperation.
"I need to talk to you."
Camila scoffed, and her eyebrows furrowed, sharing a confused look with her friends, before returning her eyes to Lauren. "It's .. Lauren, right?" She turned back to her friends, "we're neighbors." She took a sip of her water bottle, before looking up at the girl stood in front of the group. "Well? What do you want?"
With Camila's unimpressed, distant, expression, with the quiet sound of her friend's giggles, and with everyone's eyes on her - Lauren almost felt like everything that happened with Camila ever since they were fourteen, was nothing but a pigment of her imagination. But it wasn't. And now it was time to bring it into reality.
"I bet it's tiring, pretending you don't know me, when you've been cheating on your boyfriend with me." She let out through gritted teeth.
Lauren could see a glimpse of panic in Camila's expression, but the girl quickly got herself together, another scoff leaving those divine lips. "What?" Her friend's eyes were now on Camila. "Go see a psychiatrist or something, fucking gay." She let out, now glaring at Lauren.
And Lauren ran. She ran away from school, away from Camila and her giggling friends on the grass, she ran all the way home, the watery trails that her tears left staining her cheeks.
Lauren locked herself in her room for days.
She wasn't gay. She didn't like girls. And she didn't like boys. Or anyone. She just loved Camila, that's all. It was clear to her since she was fourteen. But now with Camila's words still echoing endlessly in her mind, nothing was as simple and clear as it was before.
It was all just a game for the girl with the cross necklace, it must have been.
Lauren spent days locked in her room - but in one particular afternoon, it was time for her to leave the four walls. The familiar way to Camila's house took less than a minute, and she knew that Camila would let her in even though she did break one of the rules of the game earlier that week, because really, the game was never really a game. And the rules were always meant to be broken.
And Camila did let Lauren in. The chocolate eyed brought the girl up to her bedroom, and then pulled her by her hand to her bed.
One thing Camila didn't notice, was Lauren pressing record and placing her phone on the girl's nightstand, in a way that the camera lens could capture everything.
"I'm sorry." A whisper left Camila's lips. But Lauren just shook her her softly, looking into the girl's eyes. She could do nothing with an apology. But she could do a lot with a recorded kiss. She leaned in, to press her lips to the girl's, and Camila's arms wrapped around her neck, holding onto her, tighter than usually.
Kissing Camila was heaven. But the two of them were going to hell, for different reasons and beliefs, and they both knew it. Even though at that moment they could rack their brains and the only hell they would come up with is being apart.
Knowing that the camera was recording them, made everything feel more real than it ever felt - and really, that's all Lauren had ever wanted. To be a part of Camila's reality. Not a part of some twisted game.
When Lauren left Camila's house, she had a thirty minutes and four seconds long video in her phone. When she played it in her room, her heart was hammering in her chest. It was scary, watching them like that, and she couldn't even explain why.
Sometimes you have to do what is necessary, and this time it was clear to Lauren what she had to do. She didn't mind the consequences, but as she sent the thirty minutes and four seconds long video to everyone she could, her hands were shaking, and she swore she could hear nothing but her heart, that was thumping against her chest so hard, that it was almost painful.
The last person that got the video was the girl in it. The girl with the cross necklace, who was taught she could go to hell for love. Now that the game intruded the girl's reality, she might.
Lauren wished she could imagine the girl's reaction to the message with the attached file. But she didn't know what it could be, which maybe was a proof that Lauren didn't know Camila as well as she thought. Or maybe she just refused to think of what the girl might feel watching the video, realizing that the game was over after four years, because Lauren broke the most important rule.
Lauren wished she could disappear, let the world go on and deal with the consequences of her own actions without her. And really, in the darkness of her locked room, alone, it almost felt like she could.
Lauren's parents thought she was sick. she stayed in her room for days, looking outside of the window, looking down at the quiet street. She needed quiet. After a few days in her room, she slowly felt like she was disappearing, just like she wanted. She didn't have to face the consequences of her actions. All she had to do was sit there, pray for a text from the girl next door to never ever be sent to her. And for a few days she got everything she wanted - quiet, and no reply from the girl.
Then, on a sunny afternoon, as she was looking outside of the window, the family from the house next to her own stepped into the quiet street. the young girl was holding a laggage. The young girl's parents stayed stood on the pavement, hugging each other in silence, cold and distant. Their only daughter stepped onto the road, and got into the backseat of a car that was waiting there just for her. Lauren couldn't see who was driving the car, but in a blink of an eye, the car was taking the girl far and farther away from her, down the quiet street and over the horizon, where the car disappeared.
That was the day Camila got sent away.
Lauren still thinks of that day, which was also the day in which she finally got a reply from the girl she was probably never going to see again. A short text, that made regret and guilt settle in Lauren's heart for the rest of her days.
'You know it was never just a game.'
-
A/N: Hey guys, hope you enjoyed this little one shot. After a long while, as promised, here's a new story. I just felt like writing again and I'm happy with how this turned out. I'd love to hear your thoughts, really hope you liked it!