If I told you I’m awkward and shy the people here at this school would laugh at such a claim… they treat me like center stage, open for use. “Hey Janie baby, can you come for a ride later?” The boy passing me in the hallway winks while his friends chorus with laughter. My face flushes two shades to purple, pulling my books closer, as I push my glasses back up the bridge of my nose. It’s only year ten, and people I don’t even know think of me as Bridgmont High’s class whore.
I drop off my books into my locker. I can hear the snorts and giggles of the girls around my locker. One of them bumps into me, literally pushing my shoulder against the locker beside mine.
“Oh sorry, whore.” Everyone bursts into laughter. I feel my face flush again.
‘Don’t let it get to you Janie, they don’t know a thing about you.’ Mom would always say. Thinking of mom makes my heart hurt and my head ache. I miss her. Dad hasn’t been the same since she died.
I throw my backpack across my shoulder, my shaking hands pushing my glasses up once again. I stare down at my feet watching them as I walk out the school doors. I could describe myself in plenty of ways, creative, patient, mature, introverted, and ever shy or maybe even slightly awkward and nerdy. I even do well in all my classes. Yet because of him, I’m defined as… this! My vision blurs, my nose begins to sting. This is not who I am, but no body gets it.
Four months ago, it was a regular humid evening in summer. Just like any sixteen year old girl; I had a crush. His name is Tanner, tall, football’s star quarterback, with one heck of a smile. I surely never expected my crush to grow to be more than just a regular crush. He’d been texting me recently, and tonight, he asked me to meet him at the park close by my house. Why not?
I remember the way he hugged me, the way he talked so joyfully. I remember the way he whispered in my ear when he told me he liked me. I remember the feeling of my heart beating erratically, the speed of humming birds wings. I remember the way I could feel the adrenaline racing through my body when his face moved to meet mine. Just the slightest of butterfly touch against my lips. He called me beautiful, even tried to make me stay later. Nevertheless I really didn’t want to be caught on the best night of my life.
“Janie, don’t go.” Tanner said “Stay a bit longer?” He brushed his hand through the length of my blonde hair, making my breath catch in my throat.
“Oh Jane…” His lips pressed against mine again. I pressed the palm of my hand against his chest, feelin the fast paced heart through his shirt. Pushing him away. I wanted this night to last forever, but I fled. I was scared of myself, how I was beginning to feel.
For weeks Tanner would text me, sometimes I’d reply, and others I just couldn’t bring myself to send anything back to him. I was worried, scared, anxious, I was nervous. I didn’t know the proper way to respond. It’s not exactly like I could talk to dad about all of this. That’s asking for a bird and the bee’s conversation right there. Awkward.
It was August seventeenth I had been outside playing with my dogs, when Tanner had called.
“Jane, wait. Please don’t hang up.” He stammered through the phone.
“Tanner… I’m just scared, or… or… nervous or something.”
“Janie, where do you live?”
“Why do you ask?” I let acid seep into my voice. I should be defending myself shouldn’t I? Who knows what his intentions are? although my heart yearns to be held. I want to just let myself fold in half, I don't want to think, I don’t want to be cautious.
“Please Jane. Let me take you out tonight. Yeah? What do you think?” Even his voice sounded desperate. My mind was popping up and flashing warning signs at me. Warning signs or nervousness, I couldn’t say. I rattled out my house address, dashing through the house to get ready. Putting on my regular mascara, some cover-up, combing my hair, I stop. Staring at my reflection, I’m taken aback; my blue eyes looking wide and sad, my cheeks looking more defined, my hair shining, straight and long. I look much older.
Tanner picked me up in his new used car. He had slick navy blue jeans on, with a black tee-shirt. A smile spreads across my face along with a deep scarlet flush. He smiles at me as I open the door.
I slide into the passenger seat, buckling the seatbelt when he says, “Hey beautiful.” His hands pull my face towards his for a kiss.
“Tanner, no…” my mouth mumbles against his.
“Just let me take you out tonight, please.” His eyes search mine, and I find myself nodding in agreement. He pulls out of my driveway, his meaty boy hands grasping the gear shift, and shaking it. I stop myself. I’m making my emotions swell erratically by watching him. Why me, Why does he like me out of all people? Why am I feeling eerie? This can’t be right, my mind wants to stop and rationalize it all out. He is not a superhero here to save me. This isn’t a romance movie. Yet I want to feel wanted; even if it’s false.
He takes us down to the park by the beach, His hand grasping mine as soon as I’m out of the door, dragging me to the concession stand. I desperately tug the hem of my thin floral dress down. The lengths of my exposed legs, making me feel self-conscious.
Fixing the belt at my waist, Tanner tugs on a piece of my hair to get my attention. “What would you like?” he asks.
Not to be in public where people are obviously starring at us? “Uhm, a Slush Puppy?”
“What flavor?” The either rather nice or extremely oblivious girl behind the counter asks me.
“The blue?” Not like I’d really know. She directs her attention on Tanner, batting her eyelashes like every other girl normally does. Just looking like a deer caught in the headlights to me personally.
Hours passed. We spent the time walking along the beach, others would walk by and talk to us and Tanner would introduce me. It was wonderful; walking along the beach talking about nothing in particular. Then he starts talking about a party, how he wants to go, and to take me with him. At the time, I didn’t really think much of it. Okay? A party, Sure. As we arrive though, that’s a whole different story. He grabbed the first alcoholic beverage offered, and I knew this was a bad situation. Although I mistook it for sheer nervousness, it makes sense now. He reaches for a shot glass on the counter and completely downs it. I didn’t even stop to wonder; and how am I getting home now?
My mind was completely dazzled to be near Tanner. I was intoxicated by the near sight of him. So when he offered me some form of an alcoholic beverage which was too sweet, I did accept it, More than once. I was enjoying his attention, his forms of affection. I was thrilled with the way people acknowledged me, included me, like I was a part of their crowd. The music was blasting so loud, people pushing and shoving onto what seemed to be the living room floor, dancing bodies bumping against others. Rhythmically I join in in time to the beat.
“Janie?” Tanner has to raise his voice to be heard over the music. He hands me another drink and I move my dancing body closer towards his and I can feel the rumble of his laughter and I smile, the disorientated room shifts more than expected and I stumble. His hand stretches out steadying me and I giggle.
“Mmmhm?” I mumble, still dancing against his body.
“Come with me?” Tanner shouts, his hand helping me walk. I could feel the rush, the adrenaline and the pure lack of nervousness. I knew I was slightly intoxicated, even though I never had been before. My glasses were sliding down my face and I was astonished they hadn’t fallen off, unconsciously I reached up to push them back in their familiar place, just to realize Tanner had led me into a bedroom, closing the door he smiles at my already obnoxious grin.
He stumbles forward, pressing his lips against mine; Rather sloppy too might I add. I mumble in protest. I can feel his clammy hands pushing against me through the fabric of my dress. I shiver internally, my whole body protesting.
“Oh Janie.” He grabs my hands leading me towards the bed; the guest room, my mind registering the lack of furniture, the plushy carpet on my bare feet. Suddenly I’m worried where my boots are, of all things. My whole body becomes aware of the way the bed sinks beneath our weight, his sweaty body pushed against mine. Every memory from that night burned, seared, into my mind; How he kissed my neck leaving a trail of saliva where his lips pressed. I remember the feel of his clammy hands dragging over top of my dress.
Tanner picks up my hand and pushes them against his swelling groin; he pressed his lips against mine. He mumbles something that sounds like “Better be worth it.” I start to shake, I don’t know why we’re doing this…
“Tanner! Wait!” I yelp pushing my hands against his chest; pushing and pushing until he sits on the edge of the bed. We sit in silence for a long period of time; I haven’t an idea what to say to him.
“Jane,” he says, fidgeting with his hands. “You’re wonderful,” he looks up at me with those sad eyes, and I can feel my heart skip. “Please…?” he begged.
Tanner took that from me, took it and left. Complaining about a mess, mumbling something as he leaves right before I passed out. The tears spilling out of my eyes, the pain. He told everyone at the party, because his friends said it’d be fun. Not an ounce of affection, just false pretensions.
My nose begins to burn from the presence of tears I try to ward off. I cannot have father see me like this, he doesn’t deserve to see me cry. He’s grown more over-protective, and more defensive without Mom.
“How was school Jane?” He asks as he rises from his spot on the couch his eyes completely rimmed red and puffy. I sneak a glance at the T.V. it’s paused on Mother’s face when we went to Disney Land before we moved here.
“It was fine dad.” I mumble. If by fine I include being called a whore because mister big shot, star freaking quarterback took everything of me, then yes, perfectly fine. I feel my mood completely dampen, acid running through me, boiling. I storm up the stairs. I know I really shouldn’t be upset about this; I’ve had time to be upset. I’m supposed to be mad, furious even aren’t I? Mad with Tanner, mad with everyone else who encouraged this, who thought it was perfectly okay. My rage begins to bubble over like cooking pasta that hasn’t been stirred, bubbling over the edge and sizzling on the stove top. Over the line, I grab one of my pillows and throw a scream into it. Just to throw it across the room. I can hear dad climbing up the stairs and I just want to scream more.
“Janie honey, I need to talk to you about something.” He knocks on my door. “Hun?” I grab another pillow and chuck it at the door every girls snickering voice replaying in my mind, every mock of laughter. Dad opens the door.
“Dad, I really don’t think I can take anything else on my shoulders right now.” I wipe the stray tears from my face with my sleeve. Reminiscing the way Tanner would talk to me, the way his hands pressed against my skin, the way they gripped my thighs. I shiver internally, in a bad way.
“Jane, I know this is huge, but we’re moving.” Dad says as he sits down on the edge of my bed. I gape completely stunned as my hand reaches up to move the length of my hair out of my face.
“I’m being transferred to the business in Lethbridge, you have nothing to worry about, all your school papers are already transferred over-”
“I need contact lenses.” I blurt. My mind completely whirling, this could work. “Why didn’t you tell me before?”
“We’re leaving in a week.” He reaches out to pat my arm and I flinch “I was just worried you’d be upset to leave here, because well, you know.” He begins fidgeting with his pants. I’m suddenly overwhelmed by my empathy.
“No, this is great Dad! Can I borrow some money to go shopping tomorrow?” I jump a little in my sitting position on the bed. Dad looks at me in confusion, but nods anyway, confirming it’ll be downstairs on the table for me before I go to school tomorrow. Everything’s going to change.
After school I prance to my locker, excited to be going shopping. People stare at me in bewilderment. The regular girls are near my locker and they gape at me. I’m wearing one of my most revealing outfits; my low cut shirt with skin tight jeans and high heels. I turn around a blow a kiss to my onlookers. Grabbing my backpack, I quickly stalk out of the schools grounds to catch the city bus. I plan on buying the complete opposite of my usual, only Abercrombie, or anything revealing skin. Everything will change.
This last week went by faster than expected. I watch out the window as the moving truck backs into our driveway. Everyone was completely astonished by my conversion. My glasses were dropped in place of contact lenses with some heavy makeup. The ones who still mocked me and called me a whore, I laughed with them and waved at them. Tanner had tried talking to me.
“Janie?” He pushes my locker closed and I look up at the familiar voice.
“Oh, have your friends been incapable of finding any open business?” My voice ebbing with pure rage, “Have to come back to the used and abused now? That’s just sad.” My hand flies and connects with the side of his face. “Think before you act big boy. High school won’t matter when you’re thirty. I really hope it was worth it Tanner.” My voice drips with acid on his name. I flipped my middle finger up as I left the school, thinking how wonderfully made that exit was.
My face cracks into a grin as dad throws the last box into the moving truck. I pull down the tight spandex fabric of my skirt, walking out the door I stop to look back at the house; the last present memory of mom. Yet the rage beats true, acid filling my veins, poisonous infecting every part of my being. This will change; I won’t be this girl anymore. I turn my back on the house and keep walking. I won’t be pushed; I will be the one who pushes people over the edge.